The Green Smoothy Project

Day Two: Asking for help daily

2012-02-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Today I have enjoyed each smoothly that has passed my lips. Each has been bright, beautiful and energizing. The only thing I am suffering from now, is light headedness. My body is so use to getting sugar every day, and often that it's probably going through some trauma. It's trying to tell me to just put a little bit in your mouth, it's no big deal. But it is. I had another triumph at the store today. I didn't go down the seasonal isle, avoiding, once again, the valentine candy. I didn't even glance over at the bulk candy, which in the past has also been favorite territory. As I make these small confessions, I realize that I really do have an addiction to sugar, candy mostly. It's nice to be on the path to being in control of sugar, not sugar in control of me.

Probably the one thing that surprises me the most, is that I'm not hungry. I thought I would be starving before each smoothy. But I'm not. Kinda crazy. It's also a good feeling.

I read a wonderful article in the Ensign over the weekend. The article talked about asking for help on a daily basis, not a weekly, monthly or yearly.

"This is a way for us to focus on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day - or even just part of one day - at a time. "    It further states " Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or over-coming bad habits or addictions often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until we achieve victory. But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day."

I thought that statement was so appropriate for what I am going through right now. I am trying to kick several bad habits and addictions. I have to tackle each day, each trip to the store and sometimes each moment and ask for the strength that I need to say no, to just keep walking, or to clear my mind.   I learned in church this past Sunday that it takes about 2 years to recover from an addiction. That is certainly a long time. But it gives me hope that I can change my brain, my cravings and most importantly, my behavior. I can allow myself time to heal and change into a new person. What a blessing and a relief.

I am grateful that I've learned so much about prayer over the past few years. I am grateful to allow myself to be guided by the spirit to ask the right questions. For so long I was asking the wrong questions and getting angry for not getting an answer. Instead of asking to lose weight, I now ask for the help I need to love vegetables. I ask for help to continue to understand the importance of our bodies and how to treat them. I ask to understand more the Word of Wisdom. Even though answers aren't flooding into my brain, answers are coming. And they come when I need them the most. I understand that I have to seek out the answers as well. Study and ponder. It's a beautiful journey, and I'm grateful to be on it.

Day One Done

2012-01-31T18:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I survived my first day of my green smoothy fast. And to be completely honest, it wasn't hard. Despite the not so pleasant texture of some of the smoothies I ate, I wasn't hungry at all. I did have 2 kernals of popcorn, and a bite of pasta just to make sure it was done, and then another one to make sure the sauce was good. And BOY WAS IT GOOD!!! But I had no problem watching everyone else eat theirs. I made whole fruit juice for everyone and I did enjoy some of that. Usually 3pm is so hard for me. My sweet tooth begins to roar like a lion and I eat 1,2 and sometimes 3 cookies(like I did yesterday, no wonder I'm over weight). Instead of opening the pantry, I opened the front door and went on a 45 minute walk and it was great. I came home to madness and had to dive right back into being a mother and fixing dinner. When I sat down to the dinner table my husband asked me "what the heck is that?" The kids informed him I was on a green smoothy fast.

I had to run into K-mart today to grab a few things. I didn't look twice at the valentine's candy. It was a little bit harder to stand in the check aisle when the one side is lined with all sorts of candy. My favorite, and the one I usually grabbed for most often, York Peppermint paddy, was on sale. On a normal day, I would have grabbed one, maybe two. Ate one on the ride home, and saved the other one for the next day. As I looked at that candy I was a little angry at those packages. I really do think they have addictive attributes. Because I had a little anger in my heart I turned and patiently waited for my turn to check out. Even though some of that candy was calling my name, I ignored their pleas to pick them up, open them and snarf them on the way home. Another reason why I am over weight. That experience was a clear sign to me, that I am ready to change. It almost makes me a little emotional.

I realized that today is just one good day. But I have to just focus on one day at a time. And that one day will add up with the next and so on and so forth until I have a good 20 days behind me.

I am grateful for this opportunity I have to cleanse my palate, de-tox my body and really start living the life I was meant to live. I feel good. I'm not hungry, a little thirsty. I think I still need to wash down the kale and spinach smoothy I had for dinner. Today was a very good day. I hope tomorrow is more of the same.

Day One: Don't judge a smoothy by it's looks!

2012-01-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

This morning I made a smoothy for my friend who over the weekend battle a kidney stone. It started out looking beautiful. It had a banana, grapefruit, orange, lime, ginger, strawberries and raspberries in it. Then I added the spinach. After doing that the drink looked just like brown runny diarrhea. I changed far too many diapers that looked like that drink. I felt awful handing her the cup. It wasn't appetizing at all, but at least it tasted good. A little tart, but good.

I wanted to stay away from that. So instead, I made myself a smoothy out of the ingredients you see below; Oranges, carrots ad ginger.

This is what everything looked like before I added it to the blender.

So pretty, and cheery and bright looking!!

I cut off the rind of the oranges.

I washed, and didn't peel the carrots.

Peeled and chopped the ginger.

I also added flax see oil for essential fatty oils.

And voila, this is what it looked like all blended up.

So pretty, right? Not brown like poo! But bright, like the sun!!

After tasting it the first time, I decided that I needed to add the sweetner.

That helped a little bit.

The taste wasn't bad, it was the TEXTURE that killed me.

I would have rather chugged the poo brown smoothy then this one.

I think next time I'm going to have to add a frozen banana to help with the consistency.

I think it took me a good 30 minutes to get through it.

My daughter insisted on taking a photo of me drinking my first "green" smoothy.

YIKES, hurry turn your eyes, I look terrible.

The only reason I posted this photo is to remind myself why I am doing this project to begin with.

I can handle a not so pleasant "green" smoothy to help kick all the bad habits and foods that got me looking like I do, right now. The great thing about this smoothy is that it's only 265 calories. All fruits and veggie baby, that's awesome!!

I made sure that lunch was a better smoothy. No veggies, just fruits. I have to admit, that it was much more pleasant to drink. I didn't get a photo of it. Right now, I'm not super hungry. I'm sipping away at my lunch time smoothy and typing and telling myself I can do this for 4 days. I just keep thinking, if this is how carrots are going to taste in a smoothy, how is kale, and cabbage, and cucumbers going to fair? I'll let you know. But it's only for 4 days. I told myself I was ready to do anything to get my health back. I have all that fresh produce to get through too! Some of it might be easy, and some of it I might just have to use a lot of mind over matter.

A Rainbow of Fruit and Vegetable Flavors

2012-01-30T14:07:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I went a little over board. I just couldn't help myself!! I'm just so super excited about starting this green smoothie project that I bought so many fruits and vegetables. But they sure look pretty, right? Besides, I have six kids, I'm sure there's something on that table that is appealing to them. Just now, as I glanced down at all those colors in my photo, I realized how beautiful that food is compared to a plate filled with greasy, artery clogging sauces and fried foods. Not that I ate a lot of those. But just thinking about all those things makes my stomach turn. Boy, when did that happen?

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I begin the journey of green smoothies, whole grains, fruits and vegetables. I am finally in a place where changing my lifestyle seems like the right and good thing to do. And when that feeling comes, it's an easy decision. Not only am I doing this for me, but for my children. I want to leave a legacy of good health for my children. I want them to see how important it is to take care of our bodies. To eat right and to exercise are so important for a happy healthy life.

It's been 2 weeks since I've had any sort of candy. And it's been 5 weeks since my last soda. My friend asked me if I'd lost any weight since making those changes in my life. I told her no. I haven't stepped on the scale, but my clothes feel just the same. But you know, I FEEL better. I have more energy and my body naturally gets up in the morning now at 5:30am. Sheesh. I guess I better do something productive with that. Even though I haven't seen a difference in my body size, I know I am making some serious changes on the inside. Beginning this green smoothy gig is only going to perpetuate that.

Life is good.

Life is exciting!

The Plan

2012-01-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Why Green Smoothies?

Well, it's the quickest and most delicious way to get in more then the recommended servings of fruits and veggies. Plus fruits and vegetables are phytonutrient foods. They bring to your body the energy from the sun, plus vitamins and minerals and help to keep your cells clean and healthy. Something I think I've been missing for a really really long time. Once your body gets the proper nutrition it's craving, your bodies cravings begin to change. Or so I've read. Your desire for artificial junk seems to diminish. Your desire and cravings for more nutritious foods goes up, and your desire to exercise goes up prolly cuz you have more energy. Who doesn't want more energy?

The Plan:

For the first 4 days of every month I am going to drink nothing but green smoothies. If I get hungry between breakfast and lunch, I am going to eat a piece of fruit. If I get hungry between lunch and dinner then I am going to snack on some kind of vegetable like carrots or sugar snap peas or celery. After 4 days I am going to down to just 2 smoothies a day and have a big green salad for dinner, plus some kind of whole grain salad on the side. After another 4 days I will go down to just one smoothie in the morning. For lunch have some kind of whole grain with a lean protien, and for dinner another big salad with a whole grain salad on the side.

My thinking behind all of this:

In every logical, healthy weight loss program they say you need to eat whole grains, fruits and vegetables. You need to do this to maintain the weight loss as well. In addition to that I feel like this is following the Lord's Law of Health (Word of Wisdom). I am also hoping and praying that this plan will heal my body from the inside - out. That I will once and for all be able to kick that cursed Edward's sweet tooth. I am also hoping that this will help me to lose weight allowing me to feel lighter and make it easier for me to run and hike and get all my chores done during the day and still have energy at night to be with my kids and husband.

I also want this to be a catalyst for a permanent change in my lifestyle. I can no longer be stuck where I am at. Change takes hard work, self discipline and most important a positive attitude. I know what hard work feels and looks like. Self - discipline, I haven't had much of that or really know how to practice it. But I am ready to learn how. Positive Attitude, it depends on the situation. In the past few years my attitude has been lacking. I am ready to change that as well. You are what you think.

Most of all, I just want to find the path that will help me be a happier person. Physically, spiritually and mentally. I believe strongly that the plan I have set before myself will help me reach these goals as well.

The goals are:

2012-01-26T13:21:00.000-08:00

Since I'm not going to focus on the numbers, my goal is to focus on other milestones. At first I was going to have my goal be a smaller size pair of jeans. Even though that is a good goal, I needed to make one that is even closer to attaining. I have a picture of 4 pants representing 4 different goals, and each a size smaller then the last, that I would love to reach and that I am going to reach.

The pants in front are pants that I could comfortably wear just 8 months ago but are now too snug for comfort. They are my first goal. The second pair of pants are not really pants put walking shorts. I love them and a few years ago could comfortably wear them as well. They are my second goal. The third pair of pants are pants that I've never fit into before, but would love to. I was using them as a gauge of my weight loss about 2 years ago. I almost fit into them and then what I was doing got to difficult and my life kind of fell apart. They are my third goal. The last pair of pant, the khaki ones, are actually a pair of capris that I could fit into right before I got preggers with the twins. This pair of pants is my ultimate and most desirable goal. I remember what it was like to buy them, to fit into them, and how I felt when I could wear them. And I'm not talking about an external way that I felt, I'm talking about how I felt physically. It was awesome and I know I will get there. My ultimate goal I hope happens before the end of this year.

When my ultimate goal is met I have a few rewards waiting for me. First, I have always wanted a pixy hair cut. Love them! I have always felt like I've been to heavy to have said hair style. My second reward and probably the most important to me, is to be able to wear my wedding ring again. In addition to my wedding ring I will be purchasing a second ring to go between my first and second knuckle just above my wedding ring. I don't know why I've always wanted to do this, but I have. I want a ring as a reminder of all the hard work that I know will take me to get to that point.

When I've started "diets" before I was always dreading them. Hating Monday to start because I knew it was going to be a struggle. But not this time people. I have never been so excited to do something for myself EVER!! Before I was focused on me still being fat and not being able to reach my goals. Because I was so worried and focused on those thoughts I always stayed fat, or gained my weight back. Not this time people. Now I see a person who is thin, has thin arms, thin legs, thin fingers and a thin face. I see a person that loves to run and is good at it. I see someone who loves to hike and does it often with her children. I see someone who loves fruits and vegetables and prefers them to anything else. I see someone who is a choice Daughter of God and is loved by Him and who finally realizes and understands what it means to take care of a sacred blessing, the body.

Change is coming. I can feel it coming from the depth of my soul, from my core, and it's exciting.

An Awakening

2012-01-26T12:48:00.001-08:00

As I thought of all the wonderful things that happened this past year I realized that I was able to experience them all because of my good health. Or healthy enough. Towards the end of last year, as I posted here, I suffered from gallbladder problems and found myself in the hospital. Aside from the 3 "normal" and 2 c-section births of my children, I had never once stepped foot in a hospital. I considered myself a fairly healthy person. Sure I have my vices and things that I struggle with on a daily basis. I never thought that those things would ever threaten my health. My eyes were opened wide to truth about how I was treating myself. A few Sundays ago I began to suffer from some severe pain in my lower, right back just above my hip bone. I found myself writhing on the bed. I didn't want to go to the hospital again but we had no choice. Due to my accelerated heart rate, the morphine they gave me quickly traveled my bloodstream soothing the agonizing pain. The pain was so severe that before they could give me my i.v. I threw up. I've NEVER thrown up cuz of pain. To make a long story short, they diagnosed me with kidney stones. But they found no stones when they gave me an ultrasound or a cat scan. After about 3 hours I was discharged and sent home. The morphine made me whoozie. I slurred my words and maybe said some things that were inappropriate. Like telling the ultra-sound tech that my pain hurt like a MO-FO. He laughed so hard he had to gain composure before continuing. The tech also informed me that I have an IUD. NO? Really? I'm so glad you told me! So that's what's been keeping me preggers free. Phew!

I wish I could tell you that I haven't been to the hospital since. Even though it's only been a week. But the very next day, Monday I was back in the hospital for the same pain. But test came back normal. No kidney stones. The doctor told me my situation was "perplexing" . He told me I probably just pulled a muscle and sent me home with a prescription for a muscle relaxer.

So now what? Well, I guess my bad habits are causing my health to fail me. I know my case isn't as severe as others. But it was a huge wake up call to me to really start taking better care of myself. I was cursed with the Edward's sweet tooth. I love me some candy. But I must bid ado to the wretched stuff since it's only causing me pain and anguish. I will miss it, don't get me wrong. And I know it will be a struggle, I'm not blind to that fact either. I'm not even sure it's the cause of my suffering. But I want to live a long healthy life filled with hiking, running, keeping up with my kids, playing and serving my grandkids, taking trips with my Husband and being able to keep up with him. Life is to short to live it in a sluggish, numbed blur.

I am going to do something a little weird, maybe even crazy. But I want my life back. I am ready to do anything. So, after watching this documentary on netflix called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead I am going to "reboot" my body by drinking only green drinks for 10 days. Yup, you heard me right. 10 days of only drinking fruits and veggies. By doing this I will be de-toxifying my body of all the crap that I have taken into it. I will begin to help replenish my cells and change the palate of my tongue. I am tired of being fat and sick. I don't think I'm nearly dead, and I would like to avoid that. And don't try to tell me I'm not fat. I don't say that wicked word around my children. But a fact is a fact. And being fat is effecting my health and how I want to live my life.

I know it's going to be a hard challenge. But I am ready to challenge myself to make some serious changes.

And in all honesty, getting old sucks. I know I'm not that old. But old enough to feel the effects of aging. Gray hairs which I hide now by dying my hair. Wrinkles, is there really a cure for those? Crazy hormones that make me go crazy and want to eat my offspring. Aching muscles & bones, I hear them crack when I get out of bed in the morning, when I shift on the couch, and they scream at me if I've sat down too long on the floor. Like I said, getting old sucks.

I am excited to document my journey. I have high hopes and high expectations.

It's Different

2012-01-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

Things feel different this time. I have a shift in paradigm, the way I think about weight loss. This time it's about my health, not conforming to a certain number to fit in the world. Because it's about my health I look at food differently. It's still a slow process, but slow and steady win the race. I look at how the food I'm going to put in my mouth is going to effect my body. I've started asking the question, "How will this (what ever it is) make my body feel when I'm done eating it?" Will it help me run efficiently, make me feel lighter, give me energy and strength. To be completely honest, I have NEVER looked at food like this before. I want so badly to be a healthy, light, fit person that my relationship with food is beginning to change. Thank the Heaven's for this little miracle. The pull from candy, cookies and crap is still strong. But not as strong as it use to be. I am prolly eating a 1/3 of what I use to eat. There is still a lot of room for improvement. But I can feel the change is coming deep within the core of my soul.
I've experienced a few other tender mercies over the past few weeks. Heavenly Father is helping me to be more aware of the changes that are going on. I mentioned one of them in my last post about turning to food for comfort. Another one was the feeling of energy and not sluggishness. I have been waiting to feel that surge. When I've been working out hard I've been getting sick afterwards. Melissa tells me it's because I was so toxic. So toxic in fact that my body couldn't get rid of it so I became sick. That is the feeling that I was trying to get away from. And I finally did. I missed that feeling of a good work out and the tingling that accompanies the blood coursing through my veins. It's an awesome feeling.
I am grateful for the hunger that I feel throughout the day. That means that I am not numbing myself to the world around me. I am allowing myself to feel my emotions. Sometimes they are difficult emotions to work through. But it's the only way to become emotionally stable. It's so great not to be numb all the time, to feel heavy and burdened.
Yesterday I was about to have a Diet Coke. But my brother-in-law stopped me. He dumped it out and got me some Lemonade instead. What a great guy to want to support me in my goal. So I have been "clean" for 3 weeks now! And it feels GREAT!!!!

Hitting Rock Bottom

2012-01-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am SO, let me repeat SO grateful for the year that I had. I learned so much about my Savior, His Atonement, about the sanctity of the body and what a beautiful gift it is, and most of all how important my health really is to me. In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I felt myself hit a low again. I think we call that Rock Bottom. I didn't think I could get any lower then that until Thanksgiving actually came. My sister in law has lost a lot of weight which is fantastic for her. Especially since she's battled her weight pretty much her whole life. But as they would make comments to her about her success I could feel side glances my way and they would quickly stop talking. I know they were wondering what in the hell happened to her? I had gained all my weight back when I lost it just a year ago. The situation was very uncomfortable and I just felt like boulders were being dropped on top of me. It was not a fun experience to have to go through. I was angry with myself for allowing me to gain my weight back. I as ashamed and disgusted. But you know what, I wouldn't have learned what I learned if I didn't allow myself that process.
While working out with Melissa one day I just unloaded to her. The tears flowed and realized that I am tired of being sick all the time. I am tired of being tired all the time. It wasn't that long ago when I was a strong fit person. I allowed that to be taken away from me of my own free will and choice. Again, it was for a good cause. I wouldn't be as close to my Savior or my Heavenly Father if it wasn't for the past year. But I am not happy with state of my health right now. I had to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to want to lose weight. But I'm not losing weight this time to reach a certain number, on the scale or in my jeans. I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy. I am tired of being heavy, and held back by my weight. There are some things that are going to have to change for me to be a permanent success. And that means facing my demons, i.e. candy.

Yesterday my husband said something to me after I approached him with a question. His response hurt. I left the room and began helping one of my daughters with her room. I had this sudden urge to go downstairs and put some leftover candy in my mouth. I realized right then and there that I wanted to be comforted. I knew I couldn't turn to my husband. But I immediately recognized the destructive behavior that has been sabotaging me for the past 20+ years. Instead of find comfort in food, I knelt down and begged for help. I prayed and read my scriptures until the urge was gone. And the thing is, Brent had no idea that what he did hurt me. I have a tendency to take things personally. I let it go, and moved on. This is the key to my success. Not turning to food for comfort but to my Savior and Heavenly Father. Satan is the one that wants me to continue to dull my feelings and emotions. I need to allow myself to really feel them, face them and figure out what to do with them.

Not only do I want to be healthy physically, and spiritually, but emotionally as well. I have to find balance in all three of those areas and I know I will become the person that I just waiting to jump out.

In the Friend there was a great little article about setting goals. This quote from Elder M Russell Ballard was so powerful to me:

When you set a goal and commit yourself to the necessary self-discipline to reach that goal, you will eliminate most of the problems in your life. Spend your energies doing those things that will make a difference. We have to have FAITH. We have to hae faith in God. We have to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. (this is the part that i loved the most) And oh, how desperately we have to have faith in ourselves.

Faith in myself is what I've lacked over the years. I know I am strong enough to reach my goals of becoming physically healthy, spiritually strong, and emotionally stable. All things are possible through Jesus Christ.

oh and p.s.
I've been diet coke free for 2weeks and 4days!!!

You can do this, or you can do that

2011-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm choosing to sit down and write while the pangs of hunger rumble in my tummy. And really, they aren't the pangs of hunger, it's muscle, nerve, habit, memory that I am trying to change right now. Instead of being in the kitchen, I am choosing to be here writing about how hard it is to change years and years and years of bad habiting. Am I hungry? Maybe a little. I think it's good to feel a little hunger. That means you are becoming aware of your body. My senses are heightened and not dulled.

I started counting calories again this past Monday. 1500 calories is 1500 calories no matter how you count them or where you get them from. I was having success doing this in the beginning of the summer so I thought I'd give it another go. I still struggle with my sweet tooth. I really wish I had a veggie tooth instead. I really want to eat the vegetables, they just take so darn long to prepare. No wonder people are fat. It's easier to grab for a bag of chips then it is a bag of broccoli. I was going to say carrots but that wouldn't have been a good comparison cuz grabbing a bag of those is just as easy as a bag of chips. Just as long as the bag is baby carrots and not like the ones I have which needs to be peeled and cut. But what ev.

And why is it that it's so much easier to gain weight then it is to lose weight? That just seems so unfair. And what's even more unfair is when people notice when you gain weight and your like the big white elephant in the room that no one can talk about. Ya, that really sucks. And even more then it sucks, it hurts.

This was a huge motivation for me to start losing weight. Even though I don't like to focus on the weight. I realized at some point I have to face it. I have to do something about it. I have to look at the elephant in the eye and tell him to get the hell out. I have to hard things. I need to understand that I CAN do hard things. My "hard thing" is to overcome my stupid dysfunctional relationship with food. I finally need to take what I've learned this past year and actually start using that knowledge. Have the faith to know that it will help me to heal, to move forward, and change forever.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!

Just a few thoughts, wish they were better

2011-10-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

The sorry horrible truth is that I am jealous of all these people who are accomplishing what I have been trying to do for years and years and years. Lose weight, be a smaller size, and be a good runner. I think I'm just having a pity party right now and just need to vent. What am I going to do with all these feelings of jealousy and envy? Nothing but get my own butt in gear. I have no one else to blame for the state that I am in except myself. Yes, I have made improvements, but none of them physically. I sure hope the physical part comes soon. I just don't think it's fair. I have a hard time reading about others success when I sit here in all my chubby glory. I guess I have to find solace in the fact that I am just doing it a little slower and when I finally make it to that coveted place it will be permanent. And not fleeting. Nothing that I have to keep fighting for. That thought gives me hope.

I have to remember that my situation is different then everyone else. I have my own challenges to face and my own mountains to climb. I am okay with my own struggles. They are mine and I can deal with them.

I feel better already. I am not going to let these disappointing feelings keep me down. Besides, I have done tons better with my eating. And that's saying a lot. Okay, it's only been two days. But it's starting to come naturally. Thanks heaven's for that. I've been eating a lot more salads, veggies, and green smoothies. Today I added a huge handful of spinach, 1/2 roasted beet(cuz of it's natural sweetness), handful of frozen berries, few spoonfuls of greek yogurt, some agave and ice. Blended it with a little bit of milk and it was delicious. No, I'm serious, it really was good. And the amazing part, it kicked my 3 pm craving and I'm still full from it. That is another miracle in and of it's self.

Things are getting better. I was just feeling sorry for my chubby butt. Is it possible to have a firm chubby butt?

Listening

2011-10-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

I was introduced to a book over the weekend that I am super excited about. I hate the title, but I love the philosophy. The title of the book is "I can make you thin." Blah. But don't judge a book by it's cover, or it's title for that matter. He talks about 4 golden rules. He goes into the depth about each of them but to sum it up the golden rules are: 1. Eat when you are hungry, 2. Eat what you want(what your body wants), 3. Enjoy what you are eating(savor it without distraction), and 4. Stop eating when you are full, or when you think your full. Sounds too simple to be true, right? Everything about these 4 golden rules sounds right. When we were babies we were masters at this. We screamed when we were hungry, we ate exactly what we wanted and if you've ever watched a baby begin to nurse, their eyes roll to the back of their heads. I think they know how to savor what they eat and they STOP eating when they are full. This continues on well into their toddler years. At what point this stops, I'm not sure. Babies are nurtured, and they listen to what their bodies are telling me. We, as adults need to remember to do the same. LISTEN, I mean really listen to what your body is telling you it wants. I've done this for just a few short days, and I have noticed a shift in how I already think about food. I am thrilled to be following something that doesn't tell me what I can and can not eat.
There is a lot more to the book. I will let you know how things progress. I am really excited about the prospects and outcome from just listening to my body cues. It's so simple, it might just work.

Through Different Eyes

2011-10-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

I had been debating on whether or not to watch the Biggest Loser. I love that show. But I always have mixed feelings. I love being inspired by it especially when I have 1/10th of the weight to lose. At the same time I also feel disappointed in myself when I can't achieve the same result. Which I understand is a silly thought.

Yesterday I felt like being inspired. And inspired I was. It came in one moment with a big tall black retired football player and Bob. In that moment this big burly black man was crumbled in the grass crying. Bob told him that he was an athlete. This man disagreed. Bob then said something very profound. He said something to this effect: You need to start looking at yourself the way I see you, as an athlete and strong. I just started to cry. I look at myself so much differently then those that love me do. Especially my Heavenly Father. I need to start seeing myself as my loving Heavenly Father sees me. But that is easier said then done. But to be successful in becoming a runner and a hiker, this is so vital.

Those that love us see us through different eyes. Yes, they may see our weaknesses, but we focus on those well enough. Most of the time those that love us see the good in us and our great potential. Along with nurturing myself, I need to start seeing the good in myself and the great potential that I have. I think you could probably spend a lifetime trying to overcome your weakness and seeing the good in ourselves. But life is a journey a process. Every little step toward progress is a success and should be celebrated. Life is about finding joy in those small moments and holding onto them and never forgetting that we are all good. Heavenly Father doesn't demand perfection. He just wants us to do our best. In doing our best we find progress.

Harder then I thought

2011-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Not eating any sugar is harder then I thought. Or maybe I'm just afraid of missing out. I love candy so much, it's ridiculous. I bought junior mints yesterday and ate the whole box while watching trash t.v. Instead of moving forward, I am slipping into some really poor poor habits. I think it's the whole, "i'm never going to have that again" feeling when I try and attempt to improve my life. But I am not going to deny myself anything so I need to come up with a better strategy. That strategy is to prepare myself some really good and really healthy alternatives. Like home made cliff bars which I'm going to learn how to make today.

I still made good food yesterday. For dinner I made butternut squash soup and it was divine and nothing to it. I am going to use the same technique to make a beet soup.

I"m conflicted. I hate having personal conflict. I want to improve my life but not at the risk of hating myself. I've done that too much and too often. I think I'm just being too hard on myself and looking still for perfection. I keep needing to remind myself that this is about progress. My desire is there. And I am doing so much better then I was last week or the week before.

Progress. What am I going to do better today? Focus more on organizing myself. Organizing meals and snacks and just being prepared. Stop being so hard on myself. That is the opposite of nurture. I want to nurture myself and work with my body and spirit to get to where I so badly want to be. I'm eating those things because I am fighting with myself. Do I truly believe that I deserve to treat myself with love, kindness, and respect? More so today then a year ago. I still need to work on that. But I deserve every good thing for my body. It is a beautiful gift that gives and gives all day long. I keep telling myself that. And it's the truth. I want this gift to keep on giving. I need to do what I need to do today to make that happen. Balance, Organization and Moderation. A few junior mints would have been okay, just not the whole box.

Progress not Perfection

2011-10-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was a much better day. My desire to eat healthy was strong, and it has been for several months. It's just this bad habit of turning to super easy things to eat and I love the way sugar tastes in my mouth. I'm beginning to hate what it does to my body. It's too bad that good things take a minute to cook. But in the long run I can see some benefit in that as well. I can take the time to think about what it is that I am making, preparing, and cooking and how good it is for me. I can also think about how grateful I am that I have good food to eat to help my body become what God intended it to be. This may sound silly. But I think there is great power behind doing this. I am going to give it a go.

What did I eat yesterday. Toast and a peach for breakfast. Lunch I had left over broccoli soup, beet salad with balsamic vinaigrette, and roasted butternut squash. I also had a slice of whole wheat bread with pb and j on it for my sweet fix.

I snacked on a relish tray. In my desire to eat more grains I attempted to make some super healthy muffins. I think it was a success. In 24 muffins there was just 4 TBL of oil, and 1/2 cup brown sugar. I substituted bananas for the sweet and applesauce for the fat. I also added bran and whole wheat. They were hearty and delicious. If you'd like the recipe you can get it here at A Happy Healthy Heritage. My good friend Melissa sucked me into doing another blog. But this one is awesome and I'm super excited to start sharing all my yummy recipes.

Although my day wasn't perfect. I am not looking for perfection, I'm looking for progress. It was a good day. I got in a jog, was conscious of what I ate and loved everything I made. I think that is a good day.

I still have pain from Monday. But I guess that is good too. I hope to work on my upper body today to balance out the hurt.

No Pain, No Gain

2011-10-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

So, the burning question is how did I do yesterday? Well, no sacrifice was given. I did end up throwing away the ice cream in my freezer, but not until after I saved the mint chocolate chip. I couldn't let my fav. flavor go to waste. When I left the house yesterday I left super hungry and without eating anything. Not smart, for anyone to do. So I ended up eating a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell, and purchasing a York Peppermint Patty from Shopko. Again, no good. At dinner I was going to indulge in my roasted butternut squash and beets. But decided against it since I didn't have a "perfect" day. Again I just ate what I fixed for dinner which was cheddar broccoli soup, heavy on the broccoli light on the cheddar. Then it was time for dessert after FHE. I thought I didn't want it, but I ended up taking a chocolate chip cookie and dolloping a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of it. I guess not ALL the ice cream got thrown away. I felt no pains of sacrifice yesterday. As I look at what I ate, no wonder I feel heavy, slow, and zapped of energy. Things must change if I want to be a runner and a hiker!

I do have some pain today though. I did follow through with my desire to work out every day rotating between weights and cardio. Yesterday I did the Biggest Loser work out and I am sore sore sore today. Painful really. But it's a good pain. Can pain be good? Yes, it can be. The soreness in my muscles is a testament of my hard work yesterday. Even though I felt no emotional or spiritual pain yesterday, at least I gained something.

With sacrifice comes pain. Pain from growth and sacrifice is something I do desire. I know I am on the right path to becoming the person I so much desire to be. I am grateful to be writing my journey here. It helps me keep track of all things good and bad. Monitoring wither or not sacrifice was made and pain felt.

I know no one desires to feel pain. But there is some pain which is good and helps us to grow. I know I will feel pain as I get my sore muscles moving during my planned "run" today. I hope to build upon that pain by sacrificing crappy foods which make me feel heavy and slow. No more of that I say. Bring on the light and energized!!

Sacrifice

2011-10-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, on a Monday ready to change my life. Although the last year has been a journey to change my life in a completely different way. I feel as though this is just a continuation of that journey. Now that I am truly grateful for my body and the things that I can do, and experiences that I have, the next step in the journey is going to just build upon that. But this next step is going to be hard. Sacrifices will have to be made. If a sacrifice doesn't hurt, it's not a good one. I heard that somewhere, sometime ago. The sacrifice that I will have to make has to do with food, sugar mostly. I love to eat my red vines, candy corn, and ice cream. But in my quest to become a good runner, a faster hiker, these types of food zap all my energy, and keep me feeling heavy. Feeling heavy is not going to help with my running and my hiking. I also feel as though sugar has a lot to do with me feeling tired and slow.

And so it goes, the sacrifice that I knew was inevitable, starts today. I know it's going to be difficult. The only thing that I wont give up, not yet at least, it my Coke Zero. I just can't give that up just quite yet. I know I will need to. Slow and steady, not all at once.

What am I going to do today to help be on my way to being light, fit and healthy? I'm going to throw away all the ice cream cartons in my freezer, and all the left over candy that is in my pantry. I'm doing this because I want to. Not because I have to. I want a better life. I want to feel better. Not only am I doing this for myself, but for my kids. I want a legacy of good eating, and an active lifestyle passed down to my children. I am going to have a relish tray ready for my kids to devour when they get home from school. And that will in turn help me to snack on the good things too. It's a win/win situation.

I'll let you know how things go.

Gentleman of Inspiration

2011-08-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted anything. This summer has gone by way too fast. Why is it that each year seems to go by faster then the last? It's just not fair.

This summer I decided to get back into jogging. I don't run, I'm far to slow for that. But jogging, I can do. I didn't go for about 3 weeks due to Girls Camp and recovery from that. Yesterday was the first time back on the trail and back to running. I wanted to push myself but no too much. As I came around the loop on the trail I run on I was going to stop. As I was about to pass a few older gentlemen one of them noticed me and remarked, " You look like you go about my pace, may I join you?" A little surprised I said yes. Even though I was going to stop and start walking. I ended up jogging with this older gentlemen almost to the beginning of the trail. I was stunned that I could have gone that far. This gentlemen started running when he was 42 years old. Currently he is 69. He's run 13 or 15 marathons, including St. George and Boston, and over 200 10 and 5k's. What an inspiration! Little did he know that he was encouraging me on that day. I realized that I can push myself harder then I ever though possible.

Before my run that day, I was doubting that I would be able run in a 5k in September. A goal I set for myself at the beginning of the summer. Watching myself yesterday, it was confirmed to me again that I am stronger then I think I am. I'm like my kids sometimes. I would rather do what is easier, rather then stretch and make myself grow and do hard things. Life is about doing hard things. Running when your 40lbs overweight is a hard thing to do. At the same time, very rewarding.

I am ready to finish off my summer strong, doing hard things that make me grow.

Going through Life with Gratitude

2011-06-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

Going through this process of being more fit and more healthy with a sense of Gratitude has made all the difference in my Attitude towards Life. Before, everything I did was done with begrudgingly. Always in the back of my mind was the fear of failure and resentment towards that failure. I hated my body and what it meant to me.
Now that I understand that my body is a tremendous gift that I have stewardship over, all my activities seem do be done because I want to. Not because I have to. My body gives and gives and gives and gives to me all day long. How do I give back to it? How do I nurture my own body. I tend to nurture EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else around me. The idea of nurturing myself is a foreign idea to me. But it feels right. Making these changes in my life are being done so that I can live a better life, not to be skinny.
I have never before done activities like running, hiking, or even gardening with a sense of gratitude in my heart. My heart literally fills like it's going to burst with gratitude. My body is amazing. I can do so many wonderful things. Now I just want to eat right so that I can do even more wonderful things, so that I can run faster, hike higher, longer and steeper hills. Eating candy is not going to give me the effect that I desire.
I'm sure this is all a review of what I've said the past few weeks. But it is so powerful to me right now.
If I could ask anyone who reads this blog to change one thing, that one thing would be to have gratitude for you body. No matter what shape or size it is. Your body is amazing, a gift given to you with great love. Recognize that love, be grateful for it, and nurture your gift.

3 Meals vs. Every 3 Hours

2011-06-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

The debate is on. Which is a better way to eat during the day? Just 3 square meals? Or every 3 hours? My trainer friend, with pleading hands, begged me to eat every 3 hours. She is convinced that if I do eat every 3 hours I will start to drop weight. I've tried that in the past and all I end up doing during the day is thinking about what I'm going to eat next. When eating 3 meals a day I find that I get famished and tend to make not so good choices. What does it really matter when I'm counting calories too? Just as long as I stay with in my allotted amount of calories I should be fine right?

Today I seemed to be SUPER hungry. I had gotten back from the water park with my kids and I was just hungry. Something about being in the sun and water that makes one's hunger roar like a lion. I didn't make very good choices. But those choices didn't completely derail me either. I would say that is success? What's a fat girl to do? Brush off that twix and move on to better choices.

I think tomorrow, to prevent my hunger from roaring like a ravenous lion, I'm going to try and eat every 3 hours. I think another of my problems is that I'm not getting enough protein in my diet. I know protein keeps me fuller longer and helps me to build muscle.

Off to make something yummy for dinner.

In addition to...

2011-06-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

This is my third week of getting up at 7am to exercise. It's been so wonderful to get up and get my body moving. Exercise does so many great things for me mentally, physically and spiritually. After not exercising for such a long time and feeling like crap I wonder why it is that I ever stopped in the first place. I now know why. I was doing the exercise for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to be skinny. Now all I want is to have a strong body, inside and out, allowing me to have the energy to keep up with 6 children, my husband and the demands of a busy house hold. There's a lot to get done in a single day when there are 8 people to take care of. If I'm sick and run down those task become a strain and almost unmanageable. Becoming light, fit and healthy is a process, a journey that is going to take probably a lifetime to achieve.

Today we increased our running time from 1 minute to 2 minutes. So instead of walking 2 minutes and running 1 minute, we swapped and are now running for 2 minutes and walking for just 1. I have to say it was a challenge. But I can do hard things. If I can hike the Y, I can do this. Towards the end of the run I wondered what I could eat today to help me improve my performance. I have never thought that way before. Eating the right foods will help me to run faster, my muscle to perform better and my heart to beat little easier. I struggle to make goals due to the destructive behavior that I found myself living to reach those goals. But this goal seem healthy, and one that will help me to progress in my running. Eating the right foods will also help me become light, fit and healthy.

Starting today I am going to try and eat between 1500- 1600 calories a day. I am not going to limit any foods, except for junk food i.e., red vines(my favorite), salt water taffy(another favorite), candy bars and the like. These foods are my downfall. I need to replace them, like I mentioned before, with oranges and watermelon. Candy and junk food make me feel heavy, sluggish and burdened. Burdened with the knowledge that I just ate something that I know is not going to help me feel better or run faster.

This goal is going to be a challenging one. But I can do hard things. I can and I will. As much as I HATE to count calories, I know I need to to help me get back on track and to once again bring to light my eating habits. It's all good.

I have been feeling out different website to help out with calorie counting. I decided to go with myfitnesspal.com. It is easy to navigate and another of my good friends asked me to join with her. I successfully logged all my calories today and stayed within my 1500 limit. Yes, success for one day. And it felt GOOD. I still need to add more vegetables to my daily intake. I am aware of this and I will try my darn dist to do so tomorrow. I have a ton of lettuce staring at me. I think I just need to make a great salad out of it and eat it with my lunch and dinner. I have a lot of great viniagrettes that I need to whip up. Maybe I'll even share a recipe or two.

Hiking the Y

2011-06-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

This past week my good friend Rachel asked if I would join her on some hikes. One of my unattainable goals has been to encorporate hikes into my exercise routine. Hiking has always been so daunting to me. And difficult, and a tad scary and truth be told it gives me a bit of anxiety. I know how difficult it is to hike and in the past I've hated every step of the way. Until I get to the top and realize what an amazing journey I just took myself on. In the process not really grateful for my body and the ability it had to take me up the mountain. I was always focused on what was wrong with my body, never being thin enough or good enough.

This time was different. I am in a new place. I want to go on hikes cuz I know how wonderful they are for me mentally, physically and spiritually. Both hikes that I went on the whole time I had a sense of gratitude for everything about my body. My beating heart, sometimes it was racing so fast I needed to take a break to bring it back down again. My lungs, that they could provide me the oxigen I needed. A lot of the time it felt like I was sucking wind, but at least I could still breath. My legs that they were strong enough to carry my overweight body up both mountains. And especially my eyes. Taking in the breathtaking views of this magnificent world given to us by a loving Heavenly Father.

I have a long way to go before I can once again "attack" the mountain. I realized that I have to eat the food of life, i.e. vegetables, for my body to truly function the way I desire it to, and the way Heavenly Father meant it to. And that desire is to be light, fit and healthy. I can no longer indulge in sweets. I have to just remove them from my home and replace them with fruits. Oranges, watermelon, apples and dried fruit. A much better option. I can do it. I can feel it deep within my soul, the desire to change for the betterment of ME.

I have lived in the UC almost all of my life and have NEVER hiked the Y. It was a huge accomplishment for me. I felt like I overcame a lot of fear reaching the top of that mountain. If I can do that hike, I can pretty much do anything else that is challenging. What an amazing blessing. What an exciting time it is to be alive.

Living Life Deliberately

2011-05-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I have felt myself slipping. I had a great thing going studying my scriptures and gospel doctrine in the mornings before my kids got up. Then I would get my kids up and read a few verses in the Book of Mormon with them. Throughout the day I would listen to Conference talks. I found that the t.v. wasn't on as much. I was also doing a really great job at being aware of my body and when it was truly hungry and full. It all seems to be slipping away. I wake up in the mornings feeling sick from the over processed food that I find myself gravitating toward. All those things are disappearing.

Then I realized that I was doing all those things deliberately. I was desiring a certain outcome to my life so I was deliberately doing those things to aquire said outcome. And you know, it was working. If I want my life to change completely I have to live every life deliberately and with diligence.

When did it all start slipping? When I wanted to start making goals in my life. I had written some down. They were all awesome goals. None of them had to do with losing weight and getting to a certain size or number. But it felt all wrong. I got scared and my bad habits crept back into my life.

I also realize that if I am going to change that I am going to have to set some goals to help me change. And I do want to lose weight. I am not happy, as I mentioned in my last post, with my body and the way it is functioning. I also realize that my insecurities are effecting my relationship with the husband. Which makes me completely sad.

Nothing in my life is beyond change . That brings me great hope. I can deliberately change my diet to feel better on the inside, thus making me feel better on the outside. I can deliberately go to bed early so I can arise early and read my scriptures. Which will strengthen my spirit and bring me closer to God. I can deliberately go on a walk every single day which will strengthen my body and give my self-confidence a boost.

In short, I am going to once again start living my life deliberately. I am grateful that I recognized what was going on before it was far too late. It's never too late, but sometimes if you wait too long it's harder to get started again.

My first step moving forward is to come to terms with goal setting. I need to realize that good goal setting is healthy and a way to progress.

Double Serving of Softball with a Dash of "Reality Sucks"!!

2011-05-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I joined a softball team. I've been asked to join the team for the last few years and every year I passed on the opportunity. I had no desire to be humiliated with my running skills, hitting and catching skills. This year I thought I'd push through the embarrassment to push myself to do something new. I have NEVER played organized softball in my life. I went to my first practice and thought this is no big deal. I watched the other ladies around me struggle to pick up the ball, and run after the ball. At first I was like, what's their problem? And then it was my turn and I found myself tipping over when reaching for that blasted ball. I quickly discovered that I am completely out of shape. My gut gets in the way of my ability to bend over and pick up the ball, my big old rear end prevents me from running as fast as I imagine myself running.

At first I was embarrassed. But wait a minute, I'm not the only one who was struggling out there (double fist pump to the chest to all my peeps in the same boat, I truly feel you!). My embarrassment quickly turned to anger. Anger at letting myself get this way. I have discovered some amazing things about myself and my relationship with God. But in the process I lost my body. I am angry. I am angry that my body can't do the things that I want it to do. I'm so angry it brings me to tears. Am I angry enough to do something about it?

YOU BET!!

Good, Better, Best

2011-04-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

During a meeting with some friends I disclosed some bad habits that I would like to stop. But my fear in stopping is that taking those things completely out of my life will feel like a diet and then the battle will begin. How do I change bad habits without having an internal battle with myself? One friend suggested that instead of completely taking out, that I just replace it with something better. Then I thought of that talk Good, Better, Best. I can start slowly by replacing my bad habit like Diet Coke and Chocolate with something that is Good in comparison. So instead of Diet Coke, Crystal light(at least the Walmart brand), and I replaced the Chocolate with this awesome fruit and nut mix from Costco. Are these choices the BEST choices? No, but I feel like I have to make changes slowly and with love and gentleness. We forget to treat ourselves with love and gentleness, but that is a post for another day. My idea is that eventually I will replace the good things, with better things and eventually those better things with the things that are BEST for me. Doesn't that sound like such a GREAT idea? I thought so. Instead of doing it like all the other diets in the world tell you to... You know what I"m talking about, they want you take EVERYTHING away from yourself and expect you to stick to it for months. I'm sorry, but I've tried that and it's just not possible. For me, anyway.

Good, Better, Best just feels right. I believe that permanent change, for me, has to come slowly. I have to wean myself from these bad habits. I felt this idea was inspired and so, I'm going to try it out. Have I been perfect? No, not by any stretch of the imagination. But am I making progress? You betcha. And it feels good. I have had just a 20oz diet coke this whole week. I still have a long way to go with the chocolate. I have this TERRRIBLE habit of rewarding myself when I'm at the grocery store with a chocolate treat. I say to myself, "Gosh darn it, I'm a hard working woman, a mother of 6 and I totally DESERVE this." But am I really rewarding myself, my body? No. Sugar just makes me feel sluggish and slow. It's a habit I formed a good 8 years ago and it's not going to change over night. But I can apply the good, better, best strategy to that too? Absolutely! Instead of a candy, buy a protien bar instead. Eventually not purchasing anything at all and saving the money I would have spent to buy a new shirt. Now that sounds like an amazing reward!

Like I've mentioned before, I am no longer a dieter. My goal is to permanently change my life. But that change has to come slowly and with love. Change doesn't just happen either. We have to stretch and work at it too. It's a hard balance to find. But I hope to find it.

There is no Secret Ingredient

2011-04-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Every week I learn something new about myself, or a principle that is re-enforced. Several weeks ago my daughter was watching one of my most favorite movies: Kung Fu Panda. I loved this movie the first time, and love it even more each time I watch it. The beautiful thing about the end of this movie is that Po realizes that there is no secret ingredient to greatness, which everyone was seeking on the dragon scroll. When they found that it was empty, and only reflected their image, they were disappointed. As I thought about that I realized that for such a long time I had been searching for a secret ingredient to a "perfect" body, according to the world. But just like Po, I realized that there is no secret ingredient. We just have to look at our own images in the mirror. All of us were created in the image of God. Which gives us Godlike attributes and the ability to become like Him. Our true greatness comes from within, not from anything in the world.

I guess if there is a secret ingredient, it would be that we all have to believe in our divine potential. If we all understood that, we would treat our bodies differently. Which is exactly what I am striving to do. Focus on all the amazing things that my body can do, rather then all the things it can't do or all the imperfections. It's a hard thing to do. Our natural tendency when we look in the mirror is focus on all that is wrong. What if you started focusing on all that was good? Just that slight change in attitude will make a world of difference. I know, because it has for me. I'm still working on focusing on the good, and my divine potential. But you have to start somewhere. And if all you can see about yourself is that you have a pretty eye color, that's a start. Then you can be grateful that you have eye sight, and see the color of butterfly wings, or tulips and daffodils as they push their way through snowy ground, or the shape of your children's cheeks as they sleep, smile or laugh. Your eye sight allows you to read recipes, blogs, and books. Your eyes are a gift from God, who loves you and wants you to experience all of these things, and more. Focus on your eyes, first, and go from there. You will feel a change come over you.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that life is so much more enjoyable when we aren't obsessed about a number, a size or shape. I am trying to move away from that way of thinking. It's difficult, I wont lie. Especially when it's been engrained in you for what seems like your whole life. But I can HONESTLY say that now that I have moved past the scale, numbers and sizes that I am happier. Now I want to treat my body with kindness so that I can continue to experience this world as God intended me to, with Joy.

Love/ Hate relationships

2011-03-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

Generally speaking I love it when Spring arrives. I love watching the tulips and daffodils push through the frozen ground making hope jump in my heart. Hope that winter will soon be over with. Hope that the sun will not only be warming my face, but the soil and truly bringing forth those happy happy flowers! Spring also brings a renewal to garden and prepare the soil and sort out my seeds and start planning how marvelous my garden is going to be. I always start out with such high hopes and high expectations.

This year the ushering in of spring is bringing a new feeling with it. A feeling of dread. Dread of what you ask? I'm dreading the day when the weather is too warm to wear my beloved sweatshirts. I will no longer be able to hide the weight that I have gained over the fall and winter months. I will no longer be able to hide the jiggling at my sides, front and rear. I always had dreams of coming forth from the winter months a beautiful butterfly. Instead, I'm just a fattened up caterpillar wondering wear her wings are. Unlike a caterpillar, eating doesn't produce wings, it just produces roll upon roll.

I wouldn't take back the spiritual growth that I have made over the fall and winter months. I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I'm still struggling with the fact that my body had to fatten up in the process. I always believed that by putting the Lord first everything else would fall into place. I thought that meant weight would come off, not be packed on. I guess there is more to it then what I first believed. I still have to put principles into action. I can sit idly by doing nothing about my health. I don't believe that's what the Lord intended.

My other love/hate relationship right now are photos of me. Mostly ones taken just a few short years ago. I wasn't at what the world says is my ideal weight. But I looked good, and I think I was happy. It's so hard not to dwell on past self, especially when past self looked good and I didn't acknowledge how happy I truly was in that state. I still thought I wasn't good enough, thin enough, happy enough. How sad. I hope to never take for granted my body. I want to look at those photos, but I can't. It hurts too much. But I can't look of photos of my current self either. That is just too painful too. Looking at me in all my chub glory.

Listen to me, I'm labeling myself. I'm calling myself chubby, a caterpillar, all nice ways of saying fat. But is that the truth? It's true according to the world. But it's not the TRUTH! I have to remember to tell myself the truth. And the truth is that I am a daughter of God who loves me. He created me in his image. I have the potential to become like him. My relationship with God, with my Savior is the only thing that should matter.

I need to keep putting the Lord first. By thinking of Him I will continue to feel of his love and receive the promised blessing of His spirit. His spirit will testify of truth. And one day, I will believe the truth about my body so strongly that I will want to finally treat it the way it was intended to be treated. With love.

Great Grain Debate

2011-03-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

As I've been thinking a lot about grains and how they need to play a larger roll in my life. I can't help but think of those that have medical conditions that have to stear clear of said items. Like Sally, for instance. In her recent comment asked how, as a pre-diabetic whose Dr. has asked her to stay away from such food, follow the Word of Wisdom? I have a mother-in-law and a few friends who are gluten intolerant. Of course gluten is the stuff found in wheat. There has to be grains out there that don't have the same effect as wheat.

Which gets my brain thinking about all grains. Are there other grains that are superior to others? I keep thinking about the grain Quinoa. Before when I was freaked out about calories I would stay away from Quinoa. But Quinoa is jammed packed with protien and other vitamins. And what about brown rice? There is no gluten in that and it's filling and takes the body a long time to digest.

I was hoping that applying the word of wisdom to my daily life would be easy. But like most things, we have to become educated in them. If the Lord thinks it's important to make grains the staff of life, then there has to be grains that all mankind can eat to stay healthy.

Here comes one of my major weakness, I am a crappy researcher! I don't know where to start. I don't know what questions to ask, or what resource to go to. I wish I could solely rely on revelation. But I can't do that. I have to be actively engaged in my good cause.

That was a great question Sally. Maybe you and I should start with the fruits and veggies and then go on to the grains. Yum, vegetables the food of LIFE!!!

Reasons for my Absence; New Focus

2011-02-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

Flat Honest Truth:
What I've been going through is hard, and very personal. My focus has changed, maybe not drastically, but it has changed. I think I've been eluding to it for some time. I think I was afraid of admitting it. Not to me, but to the world. When, what do I care what the world thinks of me. Only that's what I've been worried about for such a long time, what others and the world thinks of me. When the real honest truth is, the only thing that really matters is my relationship to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
The focus of this blog is going to change. Not that anyone reads it. I just thought that if anyone does read this that they will know that it's changing. I'm changing this blog from a weight-loss blog, to a Christ centered blog. The only way to really change is through Christ. I shouldn't be so afraid of rejoicing in Christ. I hope to share with you the changes that have already started to happen with me.
The change that has happened hasn't been physical in nature, either. Which at first was extremely frustrating for me. In fact I am the heaviest I've been since starting this blog. If I allow myself to dwell on it too long, it can be quite discouraging. But what is happening is that I am discovering a new relationship with food in conjunction with my new attitude toward my body.
It's hard to change your attitude toward food when you've believed what the world has been preaching for the last decade. No Carbs. Eat every 2-3 hrs. Eat 6 small meals a day. You are nothing if you don't look like this...(fill in the blank). I'm sure the list could go on. So, I've stopped ALL worldly thinking about food.
Recently I was re-introduced to the Word of Wisdom. It's more then just abstaining from drugs and alcohol and strong drink. It talks about grains being the staff of life. Eating fruits, vegetable and herbs in season. And eating meat only in time of winter or famine. I'm still trying to figure out how often I should eat. I think I need to just listen to what my body is telling me.
This isn't going to be easy, by any means. I'm still battling a dysfunctional relationship with food. Which of course is the reason I turned to my Savior in the first place. I'm still fighting to change my cravings for junior mints, red vines, ice cream at night and chips with my lunch. I know none of those things will keep my body strong and healthy.
That's what it all boils down to. Being healthy. What ever size my body decides it wants to be after I've found the balance between a good healthy way to eat and exercise that is fun and comfortable, so be it. And if that means that I'm a size 16 for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do and that's all that matters.

Our Temples

2011-01-27T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my body as a Temple. I've been doing a lot of cleansing of the inside of my Temple, the spiritual part of me. That has been very rewarding. It wasn't until I read this article about sugar that something started to connect for me. It talked about how sugar causes depression, weight gain, severe pms, and pre-mature wrinkles. To quote Mr. Gru(you know from Despicable Me?), LIGHT-BULB! My body, my temple houses my spirit. By abusing myself with sugar I am making it more difficult for the spirit to dwell with me. I have been experiencing all of the above!! And it hasn't been fun. I have slightly increased my sugar intake(I should be honest, maybe a lot) over the past year and I believe these symptoms are a result. This is so much more then just about weight. It's about my life. My body and spirit are so intertwined, more then I understand.

After reading this article I really want to take control. And not for my weight, for my health and my spirit. But where to start? This is dangerous territory. How do I start this process without my body(and mind) believing that I'm starting a diet? I wont every be starting a diet, EVER AGAIN. I know that there are some permanent lifestyle changes that need to take place. Removing unneeded sugar is a good place.

Several, several months ago I vowed not to purchase any treats for myself when I go to the store. This will be a goal of mine for the month of February. I also don't want to have sweet in my house during the week. I need to start training myself to reach for fruits for a sweet fix. Finding fruits that are in season is going to be a fun adventure. I've always wanted to make amazing desserts for Sunday night. Bringing my daughters into the kitchen with me to help me. That makes 3 goals, right?

1. No more buying treats in the store.
2. No more sweets in the house during the week
3. Make an amazing dessert for Sunday Dinner.
4. Reach for fruits that are in season.

That makes 4 goals. I've written them down. I will keep you up to date on my progress.

How does sugar affect you?

What do you do to overcome sugar urges?

Change is slow

2011-01-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Usually in January I hit the gym, hard. I usually start a new diet and do pretty good. I am determined to shed pounds and change my life, permanently. This year is so different. Exercise is not that important. Although I really really really really want to start running again. Will this snow ever melt? I know, it's still January, but come on. Eating healthy is still important to me and I am striving to find that perfect way to eat which is best for me.

The biggest difference for me this year, is that I'm on a different journey. I have very different goals which I hope will result in a physical change as well. I've talked a little bit about this in my past posts. As much as I don't want this journey to be about the weight, it still feels like it is. My journey is more of a spiritual one.

I have placed more value on scripture study, pondering them, and praying about them and what it is that I should study. My prayers are becoming more meaningful and fasting has new meaning and real purpose. I am trying so hard to foster a beautiful relationship with Christ. We've been promised that if we put the Lord first that all other aspects of our lives will fall into place.

With all this wonderful spiritual growth happening, I still feel a bit lonely. The only change I see in my body is the change I wasn't hoping for. A good friend came over to help me. I loved all her wonderful advice and counsel. What it all boils down to is that change takes time. Even spiritual change. Which I am not good with. I want instant results!! INSTANT!!! I work so hard for a few weeks wanting my life to change instantaneously. In all reality, that's not how it's suppose to work.

I thought I was doing something wrong. There must be Something MORE I needed to be doing. My friend told me I was in the same place she was 2 months ago. She told me I was being to hard on myself and I was doing everything I needed to. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. Even through weight gain.

6am study time, here I come. And it's been wonderful to start my day the right way!

Reflections of 2010

2011-01-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

As I think back on my 2010 year, it started out insane. Waking up at 4:45am, heading to the gym, working my brains out until 7am, coming home, and barely making it through the rest of my day. I was tired, cranky, and let's face it, not capable of that schedule. So I quit. I quit a lot of things this year. I gained 12lbs back, stopped running, stopped caring about what I ate, and hated that my pants began getting too small.
Through all that I learned that there is more to life then losing weight. I have been swallowed up in what the world thinks is acceptable, a washboard stomach, hips like a teenage boy, and boobs the size of Mount Olympus. I have been asking for help in all the wrong areas of my life. Losing weight is not what is most important in our earthly journey here. I do believe that being healthy and treating our bodies with love and respect is important.
The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that I need to gain a relationship with my Savior. He is the one who will help me get through this maddening and chaotic life. No amount of weight lost will bring me true happiness and joy. Finding and trusting in the love that comes from the Savior will bring happiness and joy.
This past month my focus has completely changed. Yes, I still want to lose weight, but that is not my focus. My focus is what I'm going to call, Connecting to the Vine. And in connecting to the vine I will realize my true potential and value.

2010 didn't go as I quite planned it. Does anything really?

I am really looking forward to 2011.

Taking the First Step

2010-12-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

Last night my friends and I successfully gathered for our first support group. I've been trying to pull one together for months now. It was a relief to talk with other women who struggle with the same things that I do. Who have the same emotions, feelings, and challenges that I do. Although we are in different places our goal is the same, over come our dysfunctional relationship with food. We took turns going around talking about our struggles. We then read the first step in the Church's addiction recovery program. It was comforting to know that even if we have the smallest desire to change, we can begin the process.

My goal for this week is to complete the study and understanding section of Step 1. I am also going to incorporate 12 power foods into my daily life. I'm pretty excited. I am ready to cleanse myself and allow the Atonement to help me overcome and move forward. I know it's not going to be easy. Change sometimes isn't easy and takes a lot of work, study and more work. I just need to remember to not give up. I CAN'T give up.

Step 1-- Honesty.

There were several quotes that were profound:

A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.

I didn't think I lost anything when I indulged. As I thought more about is last night I realized that I lose out on my relationship with my kids, I withdrawal from my husband, and I feel abandoned by God. I also lose hope that I have the strength to overcome.

President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelves taught: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."

All I can think about is how fat I am and how I don't want to be fat anymore. In that thought process I become fat. This quote has given me a new way to combat my problem. Stop obsessing about my fat, and start studying doctrine. It is through the study of Christ that I will begin to finally change. Because that change will come from the INSIDE, not the outside.

I've never been good at studying or research. This will be a tremendous challenge for me. But it's a challenge I'm willing to take on.

Getting Older Sucks

2010-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Of course I haven't been writing because the quest has been stalled. I feel badly for not writing through my pain and disappointments. Life isn't all about ups, it has it's downs too. It just feels like I haven't had much visible success. I know I've grown a lot spiritually, but that's not reflecting my physical body. I was hoping that it would. But it hasn't. I know that I need to put the Lord first. I believe I've known this for a long time and have yet to act upon it. I need to get up early and read my scriptures instead of worrying about a work-out. I need to exercise my spirit as well as my physical body.

When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed. I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better. The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something. And something needs to change quickly. I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips. Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight. In fact I have actually GAINED more weight. What the heck? So discouraging. I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine. I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties. Eegads, man. The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more. Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse. So begins the cycle of dying my hair. Gag a mag. What is a girl to do?

For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING about it. I've seen lots of older people lose weight. I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost. If it were only that simple. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat. I want to lose weight badly. If it were that easy with will power. But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.

I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin. I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first. No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy. And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past. It always comes back. I've kept a portion of the weight off. But not completely.

I need for my lifestyle to change. For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food. I know I've said this before. I continue in my own personal cycle. I want for this cycle to end.

I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church. I am going to start on step 1. I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside. **Sigh**

Getting older still sucks, right now. I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self. I do have to make some major changes for that to happen.

I am going to be more diligent in writing as well. I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down.

I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try. I am going to start it on Monday. I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday. Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday.

I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there. It will happen, I'm confident of that.

Day 4: Getting better prepared

2010-11-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I called Melissa in tears. Trying to please Diet Power has comletely psyched me out. I had to call her to get my mind smoothed out. She gave me some great advice and a guide to follow. She gave me 12 groups to choose from. Advising me to mix 3 or 4 of these to make a meal. She still encouraged me to count my calories. But if I choose from these groups things should balance out.
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil

This is just a quick run through. I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it. I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week. The only thing that is going to differ is dinner. And even then, just the protein is going to differ. I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies. I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is. One of my huge trouble areas.

I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry. I forgot how hard her workouts are. Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding. Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle. I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can walk out of the house its all good.

Day 3: I might as well start all over again

2010-11-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's been another crappy day eating. I'm trying not to over analyse my eating. But I am. So I turn to the stupid Halloween candy for comfort. Since I can't figure out what the right things are to eat, I eat what comforts me. Which is the most ridiculous thing to do when you are trying to lose weight and change your life. I never brought my Halloween candy to Melissa. Well, that will happen for sure tomorrow morning.

I think my problem is poor planning. I don't have a menu planned out, I don't have the right foods stocked in my fridge and pantry. That is a set up for failure! I'm going to sit down this evening and plan out my menu. Everything from Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. I can't be shooting from the hip. That just doesn't work for me.

I'm trying not to let myself get down. I know I'm not retarded when it comes to food. But for some reason this go around I am certainly struggling more then usual. I thought this diet power dvd was going to be the answer to all my prayers. But it's just added to my woes!!

One thing is for sure. I'm not willing to give up so easy. I'm not going to. I've learned so much in the last few months that something has to give, change.

I did manage to go on two walks today totaling 60 minutes. Yay me!

Day 2: Not so Good

2010-11-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

I could have had a better day. But I didn't. I volunteered a month ago to make lunch for the Camp Meeting for today. I made two different types of pizza and a pasta/spinach salad. How could I NOT eat and indulge in all that scrumptious food? So I didn't. And it was good. And I feel guilty. To add injury to insult I ate more then I needed to of Halloween Candy. UGH!!! On top of all of that they had a great meal at Enrichment, Cafe Rio Burritos! How could I NOT pass that up? So I didn't. I am proud to say that I didn't eat all of the cheesecake they served. I probably ate 3/4 of it.

It was NOT a good day. I'm so glad tomorrow is a new day. I think the whole grade thing is what's throwing me for a loop on that Diet Power. I'm stumped as to how to get a stinking A. I think the key is to eat low-fat protiens. I think I'll try that approach tomorrow. That has to be how to get an A.

I did make it to M's house to work out. I am already feeling the effects of that. It's been 6 months, and it shows. My back is weak, my core is weak, and I can't do as many push-ups. But at least I'm back in the game again.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I pray that it will be better.

Day 1: So Far, So Good

2010-11-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up early this morning to do the p90x stretch DVD. It felt good. I just wish I had uninterrupted time. Between Hubs leaving for work, and Child #1 getting ready for school, it was a bust. But I was determined to get in at least 30 minutes, and what I did felt good.

Eating has been great. According to Diet Power I'm only getting a F. How in the heck am I going to get an A? Veggies don't count for a high number, which I thought they would. I guess there is a learning curve to the program and I'm willing to plug along to learn it. It is good to sit down after every meal and log what I'm eating and how many calories. Halloween Candy is still lurking around my house, and at Grandma's. I could have so easily stuck my hand out and eaten 2,3 or 4 small candies. But that habit is what has gotten me 10lbs heavier then I was in the beginning of the summer. I simply stopped thinking about them and went on my merry way. As for the candy in my own pantry, that's a different story. I am going to have to take a new strategy to that. I'm going to call up M and ask if she will hold onto my candy for me. My kids don't need it, I don't need, not even the Hubs needs it. She can keep it till Christmas when the stockings need to be stuffed!! How does that sound for strategy? Tell me it's good.

I didn't get to work out at 9am. Sigh. Hubs insisted I run a few errands before my regular routine of cleaning Grandma's house. I am determined to get in at least 60 minutes of exercise. That means instead of being gone for 30 minutes this afternoon, I'll be gone for 60 minutes. I HAVE to get in 60 minutes. For me and body type and genetics, exercise is crucial. It does wonders to my front butt, and my mind. This week looks to be a glorious Autumn event. I'm thrilled with the forcasted Temps and hope to take full advantage.

I made it on my job/walk this afternoon. I went for 40 minutes.

The thing that frustrates me the most is not getting an A on that stupid program. I ate too much fat today thinking I was doing well. I stayed within my calorie budget, but went over on fat. I guess I need a lesson on good protiens that are low in fat. HELP!! I'll experiment with chicken and tilapia and see where that gets me. UGH!!!

I'm not giving up. It's only the first day. It was a good day!!

Being Truely Grateful

2010-10-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I called M so she could get her brain wrapped around the idea of me coming again every Tuesday and Thursday morning. I've missed getting beat up and the change that comes only through weight training. I talked with M for a good hour, or more. I had a huge a-ha moment while talking with her.

Lately I've been focused on being more grateful. I realized that I have never thanked my Heavenly Father for the body that he has given. Cuz I've never been grateful for it. Or when I was grateful for my body I never expressed it. I thought I had been thankful. As the sentenced tried to make it's way out of my mouth it came to a scretching halt. No, I have not once, not ever never said I'm thank you for my body.

Besides my extra weight, what do I have to complain about? I could hike up a mountain if I wanted to. It would be a bit difficult, but I could do it. I can go on a walk, a run. Go for a swim a bike ride. I have the ability to care for my children, cook dinner, carry my laundry up and down the stairs, pull weeds from the garden, mow my lawn, stretch my every aching body.

I truely believe that if we have more gratitude in our lives we become a happier, more loving people. Maybe this is true of myself. If I am more grateful and show that gratitude for my body, is it possible for me to start treating myself with love and respect and become happier? That is my hope, my prayer. Gratitude for my body is something I am going to start expressing to my Heavenly Father. This is the vessel in which he gave me to experience this life. How can I NOT be grateful for that.

Preparations

2010-10-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

I am preparing to start a new way of life on Nov. 1st. In the past 2 months I have gained 4lbs. Which is disheartening to me. And it's all due to me eating like I'm a teenager. I'm not even in my twenties, but my mid-thirties. This type of eating is just not sustainable for my ever changing and maturing body. This way of life must stop and change into something more grown-up and sophisticated.

My hope is to make permanent changes that will help me to loose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I know that it is not going to "just happen". I have to put my faith to work. And it is going to be work. Temptations are still going to be there and I am going to have to fight them everyday.

I was introduced to a program called Diet Power 4.4 that tracks your calories and exercise. I have set a goal to lose 10lbs by December 31st. My husband thinks I'm crazy to do it over the holidays. But the holidays come around every year. I want to prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right choices and to overcome temptations. I'm just tired of my pants not fitting. Something has to be done.

I am still going to be working on my addiction to food through He Did Deliver Me From Bondage. There are issues that still need to be addressed and a void that I'm still trying to fill with food.

I am going to run through the rest of the Fall and Winter. I know that running really does help me lose weight. I'm going to still run outside when the sun is shining, when possible. I am going to wake up before the sun and do yoga and stretching. This is important to my mental and back health. I'm so over getting up and beating myself up with hard aerobics. That can wait till later in the day. I want to wake up slowly and give myself a little love. I am going to start adding in weight training. I've missed that more then anything. I just don't have the self motivation to do it on my own. Enter Melissa.

I haven't been blogging for fear of failure. There is a certain number that I get down to and I can't seem to get past that number. I can never seem to go longer then 3 months. This trend must stop. I have to get below that plateau number. I will. I have to. It's for my health, my life, and my spirituality. I know I've said this before. I have a lot of conviction this time and a lot more perspective. I'm ready. I want my life to be full of vigor and joy. Not tiredness and mediocre.

I'm starting my 100 days over. I'm breaking it down by 30 days at a time. November 1st, 2010 will be the beginning day. The 100th day will be February 10th. Unfortunately I now have 30lbs to lose instead of just 20. 100 days will not be efficent for me to reach my goal. But I will be closer then I am today. And we have to start somewhere.

I know I am not the only one struggling. I open this blog up to anyone who would like to join me in my quest. I am going to be posting questions from He Did Deliver Me From Bondage and hope to get insight from others who are struggling just like I am. I know that there is great power in numbers. My hope is that we all can learn and overcome together.

Just Blabbing about Blubber

2010-09-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the Biggest Loser. How can you watch that show and NOT get inspired. One thing I'm always reminded of when I watch that show is the amount of weight I have to lose. I am truly grateful to have just 30lbs to lose instead of 130lbs. Still, 30lbs still seems like a lot when you have to get it done. The whole eating right and exercising. Watching those people puke and sweat and cry and faint,sheesh. I realized that I am not working hard enough to reach my goals either. I still have to learn to put my Faith into action. I can't see myself thin, I've never been good at visualization. But I know that if I eat right and exercise that goal will come to fruition. My day to day actions will bring me closer and closer to my desired goal. Just like my day to day actions as a Mother will hopefully, one day, produce righteous children. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, teaching FHE, family prayer, family scripture study have to amount to something, right? All that takes Faith.

And Faith without works is dead. Not only am I trying to figure out this whole eating thing without dieting, I've designated 9-10am as my workout time. This morning I did Tae-Bo. LOVE Tae-bo!! I need more of those kinds of workouts. In addition to that I am praying more then just in the morning and at night. I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I have to put my Faith in something that is far stronger and more powerful then myself. I find that I am praying a lot.

I am still waiting to get back my Best Life diet book back from a friend. I am excited to dive into that. Liz, if your reading this I would love for you to join me. And anyone else who would like to loving change your life.

I'm tired and worn out. It's been a long day. I still think about food most of the day. I am trying to re-focus my thoughts. I've been so wrapped up in that type of thinking it's going to take a lot of work to get new thoughts to replace the old ones. I know it's possible. Writing helps a lot.

I have to confess, that since I let go of dieting I am so much happier, with me, on the inside. I'm a little heavier too, as I mentioned before. But dang, I'm happier. Now if I could just balance that happiness with how I feel about my body. That is my ultimate goal. I can feel it, it's happening. Slowly, but surely, it's all coming together.

That was a long blab session!

Frustrated to the Max

2010-09-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I am beyond frustrated with myself. At this point in my life with all the ah-ha, light-blub, moments I should be happy to find myself on a pathway that leads to light and truth. That just isn't the case. As much as I don't want this journey to be about weight, it is. I'm saddened that I have gained 7lbs over the summer. You might think, 7lbs, what ev. But that makes a huge difference in the way your clothes fit, and that trickles down to how you feel about yourself.

I'm just grateful that I am attacking this problem from another perspective. I really want to eat my way out of the feelings that I am feeling right now. But that would be asinine. I know what it would feel like at the other end, terrible. Food is not going to get me through my feelings right now. Writing them down, is.

What are the emotions surging through my body right now? Disgust, discouragement, disappointment, anger, frustration, and sadness.

What am I going to do to move on? It already feels better to own the feelings. My weight and perspective on life isn't going to change in a week or a month. Patience, waiting, persevering, sticking to the plan is what I have to do at this moment. I ate my lunch. I ate what I wanted. I am a little too full which means I didn't stop when I was hungry. Which means I probably numbed a little of those harsh feelings.

I'm going to now wait until snack time. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. What I want is to nurture my throbbing soul, feed it some joy and goodness and move on with my day.

Without Works

2010-09-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday we had a wonderful lesson on Faith. As I've indicated before, Faith is the first step to change. The lesson manual states:

Faith is a principle of action and power that motivates our day-to-day activities... Each day we act upon things we hope for when we cannot see the end result. This is Faith.

Now that I've put off the idea of dieting I realize that sitting around waiting for change to happen is stupidity. Although it's liberating to say that I am not ever going to diet again, I still have to put my faith into action.

Where does my Faith lie? Definitely not in my self. I think that is where fear comes in. I've done the day to day actions having faith in myself, relying on my own strength to change. Every time I failed when I attempted change in that way.

Now my Faith has to lie in my Redeemer and the Atonement. I have to start working towards that change. You've heard that old saying/scripture: Faith without works is Dead.

I now have to ask myself what changes do I want to make? Who is the person I want to be and how do I accomplish that? Most of these changes are the same when I relied on my own strength to change.

Changes I ache for:

A healthy relationship with Food
Eat more fruits and veggies
Drink more water
Be confident in the person I am and love myself for those truths
Be a size 12.

Since change takes faith and action, what action plan am I going to go with?

I think I'm going to start simple. I keep thinking of the Bob Greene book, The Best Life Diet. Out of all the diet books that I have ever read, his was the most loving and kind way to treat yourself. His first strategy is to simply change your eating habits. Eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. So that is my first goal for the next 2 weeks. I'm just going to eat what I eat, but at those designated times. I'm also going to follow the food guidelines in Women Food and God. She urges you to eat when your hungry, eat what you want, and stop eating when your full. I have to have a beginning point. This is not asking much, but is asking me to be somewhat disciplined.

In addition to the physical change that I want to make, I'm going to take action spiritually. I am going to make a greater effort to study the atonement, renew my covenants and read my scriptures. This is KEY to the change that I want to make. This is where the real change will come. Believing truths about myself through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I'm not sure how long this change will take. This where the day to day action without seeing the end results comes in. I want change to come instantly, but it doesn't. It never does. I have to remember to keep going and NEVER give up. Enduring to the end will reveal the change that has come over me!

Pondering, Thinking, Dreaming

2010-09-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've continued to read the book Women Food and God. I came upon one of the very last chapters and it just spoke to my soul! Here is another expert from that book:

It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.

This too was very powerful to me:

The most challenging part of any system that addresses weight-related issues is that unless it also addressed the part of you that wants something you can't name- the heart of your heart, not the size of your thighs- it wont' work. We don't want to be thin because thinness is inherently life-affirming or lovable or healthy. If this were true, there would be no tribes in Africa in which women are fat and regal and long-lived. There would be no history of matriarchies in which women's fecundity and sheer physical abundance were worshiped. We want to be thin because thinness is the purported currency of happiness and peace and contentment in our time. And although that currency is a lie-the tabloids are filled with miserable skinny celebrities- most systems of weight loss fail because they don't live up to their promise: weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Or content. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart. Spiritual hunger can never be solved on the physical level.

I knew that even if I were to lose weight, if I didn't change something on the inside I would still be unhappy. In pondering this principle I wondered what it is that I am trying to mask when I eat. What emotion am I afraid of? What feelings drive me to eat myself into a numbness? The other day I figured it out.

For several several months now I've been doing everything the church has asked me to do. I have been reading the scriptures(even in the summer) every morning with my kids, having morning and evening prayers. I even started kneeling down individually with my kids to help them with their own prayers. We have FHE regularly, I attend the Temple once a month and I've even started studying my scriptures on a daily personal level. So why is it, through all of that hard work that my children still fight? It's at this point that I feel like a complete failure as a Mother. That's the feeling I'm trying to mask. Failure, utter and complete. Even before all my efforts, I feel like this emotion is what I've been trying to avoid and hide.

This is where satan is trying to tear me down. This is where he inserts lies. This is where I need to start inserting truths and hope. My children are still children. They will still fight. No matter how many proper principles I teach them. They still have their agency to choose to fight. Just like in Heaven, a 1/3 of the host of God's spirits chose to follow Lucifer in His presence. Does that make God a bad Father? NO!!!! Does my children fighting make me a bad mother? NO!

This is where enduring to the end makes all the difference. I need to keep on keeping on. Fighting the good fight. Keep my chin held high.

Of course I want to be thinner. A dream of mine is to be a size 12. But I feel to get to that number I have to change myself through love. I can no longer force myself to eat the way I hate. Learning to love and accept myself for the person I entered this Earth to be. Learning that it's okay to understand what my talents are, to use them and to share them. In so doing I'm not being prideful, boastful or egotistical. Telling myself that I am a good mother is also okay to do. Despite of the fighting and the constant bickering. If I remember correctly, I too fought as a child. In the end, I still love my parents and my siblings. Once I start believing the truth, I will start treating myself with love and respect.

Love = Change

2010-08-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been reading this book titled, Women Food and God. So far I haven't been too impressed with it. Until I came upon this quote that struck such a strong chord with me,

"When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate it. Change happens not by hatred but by love. Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest. When you inhabit your body from the inside, any other option except taking care of it is unthinkable."

That quote speaks volumes and volumes to me. I'm in the middle of wanting to change. When I think of this quote in aspect to the atonement; The Atonement is Love. The love that I feel from my Redeemer is how I'm going to accomplish this change.

I learned something else at Education Week that I'd never thought of before. I always thought that Savior and Redeemer were synonomous with each other. That they basically meant the same thing. Which is not true. They are different, but Jesus is both. A Savior is someone who saves us from our sins. A Redeemer is someone who changes us. I am in need of changing. To change myself I need to begin to see myself as the Lord does. Through eyes of someone who loves me for who I am and all that intales.

I have noticed a small change in myself. Especially over the weekend. As most of you who follow this know that I struggle to no end with weekend eating. Saturday I found I ate when I was hungry and chose good food. That is huge.

I am ready for change.

Ability to Change

2010-08-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday 3 of the 4 classes that I attended at Education Week were on the Atonement. I'm sure that this didn't happen just because of me. But it sure makes me grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of each of us and knows just when to give answers to prayers. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude the for the knowledge that I have gained about the Atonement. I knew it just wasn't for sinners. It's for all of us who are struggling with anything in our lives. From a wayward child to a destructive relationship with food.

I've come to realize that the Atonement is more grand and powerful then my puny little brain can comprehend. I do know that the power is there for me to use. But lately I've wondered "How do I tap into that vast power?" I got an answer to that yesterday during Brad Wilcox class. The first step is Faith and Repentance give us the desire to change. Covenants and the Holy Ghost give us the ability to change. Enduring to the end helps us recognize the change in us. That's what it's all about, change. I want to change my relationship with food, I want to change how I feel about myself. The Atonement can do that for me.

About a month ago I felt like I was grasping at air. I didn't know what direction to go or where to begin. Now, I know, I need to understand my covenants better cause that's where the change comes from. Along with prayer, fasting and scripture study I hope to find change within myself. A permanent change. I realize that it's going to be a long tedious journey of discovery. But one that I have been thirsting for.

Words of Encouragement

2010-08-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot the last few days on how to change my beliefs about me. How does one really begin to do that? One of the classes I went to was given by Barbara Barrington Jones. She was teaching on Words of Encouragement. How Encouragement lifts and builds you up. Opposed to critism, even "constructive" critism which tears you down. She suggesteds that Encouraging Words are like a gift, a small silver box wrapped up with a bow. You can give these gifts to all those around you, your husband, your children. Then I thought, what about giving Encouraging Words to ME. Wouldn't that be a way to build myself up and begin to change my beliefs about me?

I remember a class given my Sis. Wilson and she talked a lot about this subject. We are living in a body of flesh and bones subject to the natural woman. The natarual woman is prone to atomatically thinking bad thoughts about herself. It's like weeds. We have to work so hard to keep weeds out of our garden. They have to be pulled everyday to keep the garden clean and looking beautiful. Do I pull my weeds in my garden every day? No! And my garden suffers from it too! The beautiful plants that I've planted from seed and nourished are easily getting crowded out by the weeds that grow spontaniously. So it is with our thoughts. We have to work every day to weed out those bad thoughts so the beautiful ones can take route, so we can water them and make them grow.

My goal now is to plant beautiful seeds of encouragement. Ones that I can nourish, water and grow. I need to remember to dis-regard all the negative that comes into my head. Which is SO HARD . If I am to become truly happy with myself, I have to start chaning what I believe about. I have to start telling myself truths and begin to believe them.

How am I going to do this? A list of all the things I want to believe and become. Every morning, afternoon and evening I am going to go through my list. Some of them might already be true I just don't believe them yet.

I also might start repeating my list as a mantra during meditation. I've heard meditation can be powerful too. Right now, I'm willing to try anything out!

Changing your Beliefs

2010-08-18T06:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my first day at Education Week! Can I get a Whoop Whoop!!! I love everything about Ed. Week. Last year was a life changing experience for me and this year is on track for the same. The last class I went to was taught by Scott L. Anderson. He is an amazing speaker who instantly brings the spirit to the room.

He taught about a pattern that is found in the book of Mormon. He basically teaches that our beliefs directly effect our feelings. He spoke of Alma the younger and how he was unconscious and that was the only way the Lord could get him to change his beliefs. When he did, his feelings were changed instantly. He no longer faught against the church or hated his Father. He loved the gospel and wanted to teach others about it.

I wish I could go unconscious for 3 days to change my beliefs about myself. Just this morning I thought about how uncomfortable I was sitting in those classed because my gut has gotten so big that my pants are too tight and I feel like a stuffed sausage. Right now I believe that I am a fat and unattractive person. What are my feelings due to that belief? I really really really dislike myself(I'm trying not to use the word Hate here. Hate is such a strong word but sometimes that how I feel about myself. Hatred). Then I was reading a post by my sister and my beliefs about me as a mother came out; I fall short in so many areas. I am mediocre at best and my children deserve better.

I know this is kind of a downer. I am so sorry. One of my goals in life is to become a happy positive person. That is what I want to believe about myself. At that point I think I would have true love for myself. And it's at that precise moment when I would stop abusing food to numb myself from my beliefs about me. I want to believe that I am beautiful, a good mother a choice daughter of God who has divine nature. But how do you change years and years and years and years of false beliefs?

Would someone just come over and knock me out with a 2x4. And in 3 days wake me up and I'll be a new person. If it were only that easy!

Addiction

2010-08-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I was searching LDS.org for articles on addiction. It was surprising, and not so surprising that all the articles I read touched on all types of addictions except the one that I am struggling with, addiction to food. I really feel that in our LDS culture it's easier for us, as women to choose food as our drug of choice. But it is never addressed. I turn to food to fill certain voids, fill moments of boredom, and the biggest one of them all, for comfort.

Still, I find these articles useful and enlightening. Even though my particular addiction is not directly addressed, the behavior is the same and can be dealt with in the same manner.

In my browsing I came upon a very interesting article dealing with the issue of energy drinks, or caffeine. Caffeine is one of those things that I want to believe that I'm NOT addicted to. But in all reality, I am. If I have to hop in my 'burb and cruise to the nearest gas station to get my fix, every single day, then it's an addiction. I was grateful for this article. It's not in the Word of Wisdom specifically, but I've heard over and over again the dangers of caffeine. I think the main reason is due to it's addictive nature. Not only the addictiveness of it, but it causes other health problems. Which I think I've heard before but stored the information in the deepest darkest crevasses of my brain. Knowing someday I would have to face the truth.

Why all this blabbing on about caffeine and addiction? Cause as of today I am OFF the wagon for the umteenth time. This time it's for serious. As I reflect on the times that I have quit drinking Diet Coke my weight goes down. As soon as I pick up the habit, the scale begins to rise. Not cool. Is there a correlation? Probably so.

One of the big reasons I always turn back to Diet Coke is for the simple fact that I don't feel any difference. I don't feel better or worse. I just lose weight. So I figure why give up something that I love if it's not going to make that big of a difference. This time around I'm going to be pray to see a difference. I need to be more aware of the changes that are happening and recognize how much better I feel.

I am a human being living a very mortal life subject to all sorts of appetites. I can't conquer this on my own so I'm turning to My Heavenly Father and Savior for help. That's what they are there for. My Savior is there to fill in my imperfections and that includes addictions!

Favorite dishes transformed into Salads

2010-08-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

As I thought about the new journey that I will be traveling I know I will be eating a lot of salads. But it's so ding dang easy to get bored with salads. Then the thought popped into my head, why not take my favorite meals and turn them into salads? I sat down with a note pad and started listing all my favorite meals and sandwiches. Most everything on my list can be made into a salad.

Here's what I have so far:
Fish tacos
Tacos
Enchiladas
Roast beef sandwich
Tuna sandwich
PF Chang Chicken wraps
Sweet and Sour chicken
BLT
Roasted tomato and chicken sandwich
Hawaiian Haytalks
Lasagna

Then I started thinking about some of my other favorite salads:
roasted beets, orange and red onions
strawberries, almonds, bacon
pear, goat cheese and walnuts

I am excited to start putting together new and exciting salads. I am even more excited to share them with you. I think the hardest part will be coming up with exciting vinaigrette's. Last night I watched Giada DeLaurentis make this amazing Asian chicken salad and I felt a craving for salads. Which is a wonderful thing. I haven't craved salad in such a long time.

This morning I put a pair of pants on that fit losely in the beginning of summer and now fit a little snug. Ugh! I know I have to do something and right now. I need to start on Monday. In pure Amberlyn fashion I will use this weekend to have fun and eat what ev. I usually have to do this in preparation for starting over. I know I will be changing my life again on Monday and it's going to be hard. I will feel like I'm missing out. So that's why I have to get it all in this weekend. Not a good attitude, I know. But it must be done.

Do you have any favorite dishes that you would like scene turned into a healthy salad?

Putting a Finger on it

2010-08-12T13:04:00.001-07:00

Over the summer I've had a lot of time to think about my addiction to food and what that truly means to me. I received a lot of inspriation and answers to prayers. I realized that it's more then just self discipline when it comes to saying no to food. Every day when I wake up with a desire to change and be good I ALWAYS end up giving into the temptation. I knew there was something to overcome, a triggor that I needed to resolve. And one day while having a great conversation it dawned on me exactly what it was.

When the temptation comes, I have this internal battle with myself. I dont' want to eat it, but I do. Then this overwhelming sense of loss, of missing out consumes my mind and I can't take it any more and I eat. That's what I have to overcome. A feeling of losing a friend, of missing out on something fantastic. But really my friend is disfunctional and I only feel like a fantastic failure. It's so hard to describe through words how powerful these emotions are. I do know they are real and they have to be overcome if I am going to be successful in permanently changing my life.

Understanding this hurdle I have to jump makes it easier to move forward. I now know what it is that I have to pray for. I know what emotions I have to overcome. I also know that it's going to take every fiber in my being to take control and say no. I wont be missing out on ANYTHING.

It's such a silly comparison. But it's a lot like a bad teenage friend. The bad friend is the only one that you feel is accepting of you, doesn't judge you, and makes you feel(what you think) is good. But you know deep down that friend just drags you down, makes you feel worse and the ties have to be cut. Those are the ones that are the hardest to break up. Due to the emotional attachement. Everyone around you knows you would be so much happier and healthier without that friendship. It's hard to let go of something that you think is good for you.

Does that make sense?

Junk Food is my disfunctional friend. I have to cut ties with it. Even though I think it makes me feel good and fills a void and I will be missing out on something amazing, the exact opposite is true. It makes me feel like crap, and only fills the void while I am eating it. So why do I do it when I recognize the bad? Because of the emotions attached to the food. It's a bitch and I hate it.

At least I know what I need help with. Now I can begin to move forward.

New Beginnings

2010-08-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over with! Can you believe it? Where did all the time go? Oh that's right, it went to baseball games, the reservoir, birthdays and holidays. School begins in just 2 weeks and I've managed to gain weight this summer rather then lose weight. STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

As I sit here contemplating on what it is that I'm going to write about, my beautiful gut is bluging out the top of my pants. It's so pretty. Everyone should have a bulbous gut like mine! What ev.

A few weeks ago I started, once again, Body for Life. I started it with a friend and was really good at lifting weights for about 1 week. I realized that my head just isn't in the game yet. I think it has to do with summer coming to a close and not wanting to get into a routine that ultimately is going to have to change too soon.

I've also been really un-happy with myself and the way that I look. It's tough when just 5lbs makes such a huge difference in the way your clothes fit. One con about being thinner. Every pound counts! I really really really want to do something about it. But I find that I'm hung-up, snagged on the feelings of disappointment and failure.

Recently I've started and tried so hard to lose weight with hardly any results. Why do I want to put the effort and hard work into something that just isn't going to work for me. So I've been thinking about the other times when I was successful at losing weight. What was it that I did? As much as I HATE to admit it, counting calories REALLY worked for me! As time consuming and teadous as it was, it really did work. Also, at the time I was working out just 30 minutes a day. On top of that I wasn't eating any carbs after breakfast. So there is my answer. Count Calories, No Carbs after breakfast, and don't kill myself working out. I do want to get in 60 minutes, which is reasonable and do-able.

I'm at that point again where something has to change. I have to face my "demons" and move forward. Now that the kids are going to be starting school again, I'll have more free time during the day to devote to ME!! I'll have the time it takes to be tedious and exact.

I wonder when this cycle is going to end for me. When am I going to accept me for who I am, love myself and take care of me naturaly. I know it will happen. It has too. Now that's my new Quest. Not just for 100 good days, but to discover the person that I've always wanted to be.

Day 29: Plain and Simple

2010-06-30T13:03:00.001-07:00

When I don't write, I'm struggling. I have struggled the last few weeks and I'm too embarassed to admit it. Trying to change years and years of bad habits is hard. Plain and Simple. I've also realized that I have to stop blaming others for my addiction to food. A food addiction is what I have. Plain and simple. I have been fostering a wonderful relationship with my kids. I look at them now as blessings and not burdens. I have a wonderful husband, who still drives me crazy at times. But I know he loves me. I have to stop blaming my horrible eating habits on others and start taking responsibility for my own actions.

Hi, my name is Amberlyn and I am an addict. I am addicted to food. And not just one type of food. All foods. Salty foods. Sweet foods. Ice cream. Chocolate. Cookies. Chips. Diet Coke. Bad for you carbs. I love it all. Every morning I am resloved to do better. Because every night I am dissappointed that I let food control me. When I eat like that I quickly run out of energy. I become sluggish and tired and cranky. Even though I recognize this I just can't stop eating.

I am a mortal person living a very mortal life. I have no control over my apetite and I am tormented by this simple truth. There has to be something that can help. With the help of a few Relief Society lessons, one that I taught, and one that I listened to I realized that there is hope for me. And that hope comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Yes, this might be a little to heavy for some of you. But this was my conclusion. I truly feel as though I have an addiction. It pulls me down in every facet of my life. Spiritually, physically and emotionally. But I do know that the atonement can help me through this rough patch. The struggle I face, is how to use it for this purpose. I am hurting and unhappy. I know that we can be made whole and find true happiness through the atonement. So now I am reading all I can about my Savior and his atonement.

I have struggled long enough trying to beat this addiction on my own. Trying to be perfect on my own. I don't have the power to do that. I am to weak in spirit and mind. The good news is, I don't have to do this all on my own any longer. That brings me great comfort.

I also decided that I just need to start being happy. If I think it long enough then I will start believing it. So far, it's working. I find that I am laughing more with my children and my husband. The world seems just a bit more colorful.

Day 17: Attacked

2010-06-17T10:07:00.001-07:00

This morning while on my walk I was literally attacked by birds! I'm not kidding in any way shape or form. People passing by could see me covering my head with my hoody and screaming for my life. Yes, I realize I am 10x bigger then they are. But they have beaks to poke my eyeballs out, and talons to rip my ears off! It was SCARY!!! I wasn't planning on doing any running today, but was forced to, to save my life. I'm sure you've seen those birds if you've ever walked on Canyon Rd. They usually dive bomb me a few times, but nothing like this morning. Those black birds should all be shot!! When I thought I finally escaped them, they reappeared a few yards ahead. One of them was waiting for me in the road, he must have been playing look out. I wont be walking along that stretch of Canyon Road! Yikes that was scary.

I am gearing myself up for another go at the gym. Since I haven't been p90xing it with Brent I feel strongly that I should be lifting weights. I am going to really try hard to vamp up my nutrition as well. I found that I wasn't too hungry today either. I didn't graze. I just ate when I was hungry and ate proper portions.

This week has be particularly difficult. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm just going to move forward to get back on track. That's all I can do! 100 days is a long time. It's still helping me to stay focused even if I mess up.

Day 16: Surviving

2010-06-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

This morning started out really good. I went for another hour walk. I'm still not feeling the run. As much fun as I had at the Springville 5k, I can't get motivated to run. At least this week. I'm just happy to be getting out and moving my body. I had toast and milk for breakfast. I should add some protien to that, I know. I will make more of an effort to add protien to my diet. And and extra added effort to add vegetables, the food of life.

I was a good Mom today. I got a lot of things accomplished.

Day 15: Being Positive

2010-06-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

I realized that I have been really negative lately. Thanks Liz for pointing that out to me. The truth sometimes is painful. Once again I find that I am fighting and bringing myself down. I need to look for the good that is going on in my life. Look for the good choices that I am making. Guilt can be a good thing too. It can move you to change your life and help you to be better. I want to be better. But I want to do it in a way in which I don't tear myself down in the process. That defeats the purpose and the process.

I'm so worried about having perfect days. But I'm not required to have perfect days. I just need to have good days.

My weekends do need to change though. It's okay to indulge a little bit. But not in excess. It all comes back to finding a good balance.

Today has been mediocre. Not a good day, but not a bad day either. I am letting my guard down. When I put my guard down, things seem to fall apart. My guard seems to slip after I have really bad weekends. Which is another reason why I need to improve on those darn weekends.

The day isn't quite done yet. I still have a chance to make good choices.

Day 14: Lots of guilt

2010-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Mondays always bring a sense of guilt. Especailly after the type of weekend I just put myself through. Bad news. I feel guilty for every bit of crap of stuff I shoved in my pie hole. Not good. I hate it even more since my gut is huge and hanging over my pants.

I didn't even get out to go for a walk this morning.

I need to learn from my mistakes and move forward. I am still on a quest for 100 good days. I knew it was going to be challanging. I knew it. And it is so hard. Especially when I feel so bad about my stupid choices over the weekend. I feel like an infant learning how to walk. Why do I keep making the same silly mistakes and falling on my face. One lesson I can learn from those determined little beings, is they always get up off their faces and try again.

Day 11, 12 & 13: Large and NOT in Charge

2010-06-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

I knew the weekend was coming. I decided to bring it early. I indulged in candy with my daughters as we watched 13 going on 30. Huge mistake. I have been sick all day today. Bad News Bears.

Weekends have notoriously been difficult for me. This weekend is no different. It's nice to come here and confess my weaknesses. At the same time, I feel as if I give myself freedom on the weekends I am much more apt to behave during the week. I hate feeling sick. I am quickly reminded of that when I do begin to indulge. I am ready to be good again once Monday rolls around.

Another problem I'm facing today is BOREDOM!! The weather is crappy. I have no money to spend, not even on gas to get me somewhere. It stinks. So now I sit in front of the t.v., tired, bored with no motivation to do anything at all.

So what do I do? I eat more. It is the weekend of course. That's what it's for, right? WRONG. The only thing I get from indulging myself is a fat and upset belly. I hate Mondays. I hate that my pants fit just a little tighter. By the time the next Friday comes around my belly will have strunk just a little and just in time to enlarge it.

Somethings HAS to change. My weekends CAN NOT be filled with junk and over eating! It just can't. I was doing so good there for the first 10 days. I felt some what in control, and I felt good about myself. And then I go and blow all that during a boring weekend.

This is just another opportunity to learn from my mistakes, right? Move forward and make my weekends count. Go on a long run. Prepare vegetable for the coming week. Work in the garden. Do something other then sitting on the couch, ouch.

Day 10: Survived

2010-06-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

It was another good day. Aside from the handful of pretzel m&m's that I had after lunch, it was a success!! I feel like every day I am conscious of the choices that I am making. I am still a work in progress. I could still choose more fruits and veggies, for sure. But as far as portion control and the times that I eat are improving.

Tonight was Book Club. More like and excuse to get out of the house. It felt good. I really wanted to go to Smokehouse. It recently re-opened on University Ave. in Provo. I was SO proud of myself. I got no appetizer, I usually don't. The other two ladies that I was with both order one. I passed on both of them, ya me! I ordered the Thai Chicken pizza with a side salad! That's all I ate. Although I really really really wanted something sweet afterwards. If Target still had their cookies left, I would have gotten one. If we had time to get some fro-yo, I would have. I went to bed with a huge craving. But that's alright. It's almost the weekend. I am having another good week.

Still no difference on the scale. But the improvement about how I feel about myself is a greater reward.

Day 9: Guilt

2010-06-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt a major sense of entitlement. I was having a great day! I was eating right, even when I got super hungry. I made sure I ate just to calm my pains and calmly waited for the next meal. Then all hell broke lose after dinner. I have been trying so ding dang hard to keep my temper with my kids. I've been doing a somewhat decent job. I forget how hard the first few weeks of summer are, trying to figure out new schedules and things. The husband did his part in the kitchen which I am grateful for. Then he retreated to the dungeon to do find some releif on the xbox. That left me battling it out with the kids to make sure they got their chores done. That's when the anger began to build. I struggle with the kids ALL DAY LONG. I feel like I should be the one getting some relief, espcially in the summer time! I understand that he works hard. But gosh darn it, so do I.

The husband and son went off to scouts and I couldn't wait to put the other children to bed. Cause as soon as they were in bed, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and watched Glee! And cried. That's all I could think about until they wen to bed. I realize that most of my problem is communication. If I'd just let the husband know I needed more help I think he'd give it to me. Maybe.

But because of my indulgence and sense of entitlement, I feel major guilt. But I'm not going to quit. Because quitting is not the name of the game. The name of the game is knowledge. Finding out what drives me to eat, recognizing it and then fixing it. This time it was the husband that drove me to eat, not the kids. ** Light Bulb ** I have a major fear of confrontation, especially with the husband. I have a very hard time making sure that my feelings are heard and respected. I have come a long way in the past 4 years. But I still need to learn to communicate.

Day 8: Life Food, not Diet Food

2010-06-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

This morning I made it out the door without any children. I wasn't planning on running. In my mind Wednesdays were suppose to be long walk days. Since yesterday didn't feel much like a workout I psyched myself out and jogged/walked today. It was nice. I felt great. I'm not sure how far I went. I was gone for 45 minutes and I was a sweaty mess when I got home. One of the reasons I love running outside is for landmarks. I can see them off in the distance and I can push myself to them. You can't do that on a treadmill!

I worked really hard at not grazing at 3pmish. I even passed on cookies today at lunch. Which is my goal. No sweets during the week. Although I caved and had about 3 after dinner. Slap that hand of mine. But I still consider today to be a good day. Despite those 3 cookies I didn't munch while preparing dinner. I ate at reasonable times, no grazing in between. I made good choices when I did sit down to eat. And I resisted the temptation to much during baseball games. That's another big win for me today.

I'm not seeing much results on the scale. I keep having to remind myself that this is more then just about weight. It's a lifestyle change. I know, I know, your sick of hearing about that. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to cut out the sweets during the week. It's not good for me, or for my children. I have to start incorporating more fruits and veggies in my diet. Those are the things that will help keep me strong and living long.

I need to make a more conscious effort to eat more veggies. And more then just carrot sticks. Although that is a start. I need more, and so do my children. You'd think after years and years and years and years of dieting that I'd be use to eating vegetables. Maybe that's the problem. I look at vegetables as more of diet food, rather then life food. I need to make that mental change.

My goal tomorrow is to go through my fridge, clean it out, take inventory of the veggies that I do have and make a good dinner. Vegetables are life food, not diet food. What a great concept. I'm going to remind myself of that every day and make sure to eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. In addition to the fruit that I am already eating.

Wow, it's been 8 days. It hasn't been 8 perfect days. But this concept of 100 good days is helping to keep me focused and the task at hand. And that is to change my lifestyle. It's going to be slow. It's going to be hard. I will have bad days. In the end, I hope to have changed my outlook on life and food.

Day 7: Funk

2010-06-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

This morning most of my kids were up when I got ready to go for my walk. All but two of them joined me. I always think it's going to be a good idea and a lot of fun. Then I quickly remember why it is that I go on walks by myself. "My side hurts!", " Are we almost done?", " I'm thirsty", "I'm tired", and relentless teasing between the two year old and 6 year old. Sheesh man, I was done too. It only takes one time to remind myself why it is that I go on my own, especially when I go for exercise. When it's casual, that's a whole other game.

I am a gleek. What's a gleek you ask? Someone who loves to watch Glee. I love love love that show. This past week was all about being in a funk and how to get out of your funk. I find myself in a funk quite frequently. I think most of my life is spent in a funk and trying to find ways to get out of it.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my life as a mother and thinking back through the years. What was I focused on, what did I struggle with, how did I overcome. Well, in my time as a Mother I've been in and out of a huge funk. Obsessed with my weight. Not being able to lose weight. Losing a little bit of weight, and find that funk again. What have I been doing to myself for the past 12 years? I don't think I've allowed myself to really live my life without worrying about the next meal or if I'm going to fail at eating every day. What a miserable existence.

When is my funk going to end so that I can truly start living life to the fullest? When am I going to stop worrying about each meal, sabotaging, dieting, that perfect number or size? When you've been worrying about those things for over 12 years it's hard not to. It's like a bad habit, it's so hard to break.

In essence, today was a good day. Inspite of the 3pm munchies in which I downed 2 banana muffins, I did really well. I still need to find ways around that munch time and make good choices. I also need to stop munching while fixing dinner. Another bad habit that needs breaking.

I really feel like I'm failing at this 100 good days. I need to remind myself that it's not to lose weight. I'm doing it to encourage a healthy lifestyle. I'm doing it now to help me get out of my funk. Which I'm currently in right now.

Day 6: Fast Sunday

2010-06-06T19:47:00.001-07:00

It always feels so good to fast. To be so utterly aware of my body and the emptiness that accompanies a fast. A reminder of what it truely feels like to hunger and thirst.

As far as the eating that followed the fast was better then most. I will usually gorge on Sundays, as it is my "free" day. Here comes a confession: I usually kept all the good stuff to myself. Not this time. I shared everything I had with my children. That was hard. But since I'm encouraging all of us to eat healthy during the week, they too deserve a little indulgence. I didn't feel so guilty at the end of the day for eating way too much crap. I ate smaller portions due to the rationing of goods.

Since Sunday's are considered my "free" day I find it hard to stop eating. I will eat regardless of the feeling inside. I will eat and eat and eat until I feel like hurling. No joke. Today, I stopped that. When I was full, I stopped. Even though I wanted to keep going. This is another one of those bad habits that I'm trying to kick, Sunday binge day.

The ill feeling that I get after such a bad eating day usually helps me to do better during the week to. It's no fun feeling like an over stuffed pig. Not good at all.

Today was a good day.

94 days to go.

Day 5: Springville 5k

2010-06-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

This year I ran the Springville 5k 1 minute slower then last year. Considering that I haven't been running till just about two weeks ago, I'll take it! It was a good race. Kelli was sweet and stayed right with me. She didn't sound winded and could still talk through it all. Not me. It took everything in me to keep up the pace and to finish the race strong. I didn't sprint as hard as I would have liked to either.

Now that I've run one 5k, I see so much that I want to improve. My starting time this year was faster then last year, that's one huge thing going for me. Another huge thing going for me is support from the Husband. I really wanted to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, but it's a whopping $20. I don't want to fork out that kind of money right now. When I told this to the husband, he thought I should check out other cities and their 5k's. I'm sure there are a TON to choose from, I just need to hunt them out.

At the end of the race I indulged in an ice cream bar. Hello, it was Hagan Daz. Kelli opted not to. Way to go Kelli. It was yummy. Saturdays are my big days that I struggle with the most. But I'm not going to worry so much on the weekends. I've been working super hard today. Not only did I run a 5k, but I've mowed the lawn, shoveled nasty old grass clippings from the garden, and help load the trailer that is destined for the dump. Of course, my day isn't over yet. There is still things to be done in the house.

Today was a Good Day!! I'm proud of myself for running. I forgot to mention, that I only stopped one time and that was to get a drink and it was for just a short minute or two. Big pat on the back.

It was a good day!

5 days down, 95 more to go!

Day 4: It's only Day 4

2010-06-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

I spent most of my day at the Zoo with my Mom and the kids. We had a GREAT time. I packed good snacks: carrot sticks, water melon, home made banana muffins, dried fruit and nuts and Gardetto's(my one indulgence). For the most part, I think that was a good. The rest of the day kind of stunk. My Mom had left over wanton's from Book Club and I just had to try them. At least I had just one slice of home made pizza due to the wanton's. And I had a bowl of ice cream. But I couldn't finish it.

I keep thinking to myself, this is only Day 4. How easily I slip. But I have to keep moving forward. This is a learning process for me now. I'm learning how to make good choices while the rest of my life whirls around me. I could have made better choices, sure. And next time I will. I just think, what's a Friday night movie without ice cream? 20lbs lighter is what it is!

What to do next week when I sit down to a movie with the husband? That's right, a bowl of watermelon with a little bit of lime. A much better choice!

I took a break from running today since tomorrow I am racing. I didn't get my ipod charged up so I'll be running without it. But that's okay, I'll have Kelli with me. I hope together we can make good time!

Wish me luck.

Today a good day? I'd say 50% good.

4 days down, 96 to go!

How did you do today?

Got room for a tag-a-long?

2010-06-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided to join Amberlyn in her quest for a 100 good days. I haven't quite decided what my "good day" will look like but hopefully by the end of writing this post, I will have it all figured out.

I have gained back about 10 pounds of the original 70 that I lost. Last summer, I was down to 163 pounds for a minute or so (really a week) but I don't really count that because I think it was some kind of fluke. When I quit Absolute, I was 174 pounds so that's the number I use to measure where I'm at. So now I'm 184 lbs and it turns out that when you are a size 14, a 10-pound weight gain means you are no longer fitting into your clothes anymore. This is when having a friend who will loan you back the clothes (plus some) you gave her when you dropped to 174 and erroneously thought you'd never gain another single pound in your life is an incredibly good thing! So amid being an almost full-time student, and some health problems, I decided like 2 months go that I would just start losing weight again. This is easier said than done. The first time I lost all that weight, it was my only focus. My day revolved around making correct food choices and making sure I was on track. Now, I feel like a circus juggler trying to keep up with school, the house, the kids, AND my weight and it's a little exhausting. I like the idea of 100 good days because it allows me to work on losing weight but not making it my entire life's focus.

I've had my ups and my downs this week and I think that's because I haven't really put anything down on paper so I'm going to take the weekend and decide what exactly my "good days" are going to look like. Then I will post again Sunday night or Monday morning. Amberlyn and I are checking in at the end of each day so this way I can have actual declarations to check in about instead of just reporting vaguely that I had a "good day". I'm hoping my efforts to post and be accountable will also help encourage Amberlyn-- we have different strengths-- she loves to exercise and I hate it-- I'd rather change my diet than commit to an exercise regime. I have a feeling though that the biggest key to me keeping my status as a reformed heifer (reformed being the key word) is the application of daily exercise in addition to healthy eating. I know that seems like an obvious key but since I lost the 70 pounds without exercising, I really did think I could keep doing that. But the sad truth is that when you are 184 instead of 240 then you don't think eating a treat or bread or pasta is really that big of deal-- you think you've kind of earned the right. So now, I'm vowing to shed my sense of entitlement and get ready to work again!

Thanks for the motivation Amberlyn! I know we can do this!

Day 3: Rough Day

2010-06-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

That's all this day has been: ROUGH!! I don't think it's just been today. It's been since school has gotten out. Nothing is going right. Okay, that's an exaggeration. There are a few good things going on in my life.

I had a melt down in front of the husband today. I told him I wasn't happy. He asked me why and I gave him a two word answer, "My Weight." He got so frustrated with me. Who says I need to get down to a certain number or size, he inquired. I'm once again losing sight of the personal revelations I recieved just a few short months ago. I need to be focusing on my children and my relationships with each of them. If I happen to lose 20lbs I would still be unhappy because my relationship with my children wouldn't have improved. But I refuse to let myself go. I refuse to continue with bad habits.

I am still on a Quest for 100 good days. But not to lose weight. To help me break bad habits. My main focus still needs to be on my children. I still have to learn how to take care of myself while caring for others. I know it's possible.

Considering the type of day I've had, it's been a good day. I still never indulged in chocolate, or cookies or ice cream. And that my friends, is a good day.

Day 2: I was Runn'n

2010-06-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

I had no desire what so ever to do any kind of running this summer. There were so many other things that I had to wrap my brain around that running just wasn't on the top of the todem pole. Until my sis-in-law asked me if I was going to run any races. I didn't have the heart to tell her no, and so I ended up signing up for the Springville Nestle 5k. I really enjoyed running this race last year. I know it's going to be hard. I haven't been running since March like was last year. I figure I'm a fare weather runner. I'm not a die hard who can train inside on a treadmill. I loath running on a treadmill. I can't stand running in the cold either. As soon as that snow melts, and the world begins to turn green, the itch to run starts. Except, not this year.

I'm glad that my sis-in-law asked me. It's got me going again. It's good to have goals and races to push me to be better, to run faster, and to get healthy. I will probably run 2 other races this year. A 10k is OUT!! No desire to do that. Maybe next year when I'm 20lbs lighter. Cause I WILL be 20lbs lighter. 6 miles is just too much for my heavy body. I hope to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, that race is FUN! The last one will be here in Spanish Fork. They have a Half Marathon and 5k in September. I was going to run that on last year but I ran out of steam. I tend to do that. It seems to be a theme with me. One that must change. I need to start finishing strong.

Yesterday I ran for what I thought was 3 miles straight. Until I mapped it online. And they told me it was only 2 miles. What ever. I don't think that was right. I'm trying not to let that discourage me. Today instead of running I went on a really long fast walk. I was gone for a good 50 minutes. My plan is to run again tomorrow, take a break on Friday and run my guts out on Saturday. I've never really pushed myself in races before. I think I will this time and hope not to injure myself. I will be running with my sis-in-law whose easily 50lbs lighter then me. She claims she's not that fast. But she does have a HUGE advantage over me! Her weight. I hope to keep up with her.

Now that I've started running again, it feels good. It's really an accomplishing feeling to run and run and run(okay, I don't run I jog slowly but you get my drift) and realize that you feel good during it and can push yourself to another level. I hope as my good days stalk up, that my running will improve as well.

Exercise:

30 minutes p90x, biceps and back

50 minutes fast walk

Nutrition:

Breakfast

1 yogurt (160)

1 toast(140)

snack:

protien bar(180)

lunch:

tuna sandwich (380)

1/2 orange(30)(1321 left)

snack:
bugles, ugh-a-bug!!!

dinner:
2 cups home made chili
1 tbl sour cream
1 tbl cheese
5 chips

snack:
watermelon with lime!

Dang those bugles! It was a stressful afternoon. I had about 10 extra kids at my house coming in an out in and out. Hunger snuck up on me and I snacked on what the kids were snacking on. At least I stopped when I knew I should. I didn't keep indulging and that was a good choice.

In the evening hunger came strong again. I usually go for something sweet like ice cream. Luckily today I bought a watermelon, and even more lucky it ended up being sweet and juicy. I love to eat it with lime. You should try it.

2 days down, 98 to go

100 Good Days: Day 1

2010-06-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Today I begin my quest for 100 good days. My friend Melissa always told me that I needed to have 100 good days to make a difference. My goal is to have 100 good days of eating and exercise. Most of you know that I don't struggle with the exercise. My struggle comes with the nutrition. In an effort to find success with nutrition I am involving my whole family in this process. We all will snack on fruits and veggies, we all are going to eat a portion of vegetables at lunch and dinner, we all are going to cut out sweets except for on Sundays. I can't do this on my own. I'm hoping to teach my children good habits while I try to break a few bad ones.

100 Good Days Exercise Goals:
1.1 hr p90x in the early morning hours with Hubs.
2. Running in late morning, trying to train for 5ks
3. Walk in the evenings just because it's good for me.

100 Good Days Nutrition Goals:
1. Eat 5-6 small meals a day
2. Portion of Protien and a Portion of Carb at each meal
3. Add a Portion of Vegetables to Lunch and Dinner
4. Drink SLIM before Lunch and Dinner
5. Drink 2 cups of water with each meal
6. Eat Sweets just on Sunday
7. Eat between 1400-1600 calories a day

Maintance Goals
1. Read scriptures every day for 20 minutes
2. Pray morning and night
3. Write my feelings in a journal, or this blog

I'm not asking to have 100 perfect days, just 100 GOOD days. If I mess up, I'm not going to give up, throw in the towel, pull my hair out, or eat away my dissapointment. This 100 good days will come to fruition. IT WILL!!

This morning I woke up at 5:30am and did plyometrics with Husband. At 7am I went for a run and actually surprised myself by jogging at least 2.5 miles, without stopping. I would love to go on a walk this evening and hope to fit it in somewhere.

breakfast(300):
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup blueberries
3 tsp sugar
2 tsp butter

snack(260):
protien bar

lunch(330):
tuna sandwich with carrot sticks

snack(260):
protien bar

dinner(500):
pb&j sandwich, beans

Killer Holidays

2010-05-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Last week was an amazing week for me. I did really well during the days and didn't eat after dinner. I thought it was a monumental success. It's amazing to me how the smallest of Holidays, like Mother's Day, can kill it for me. Why is it that Holidays ruin all my motivation. I felt like I was back in the swing of things. And then I went to Sundance for lunch. I never go there so why not indulge. And besides, it was for Mother's Day. Saturdays are usually hard for me, but I actually practiced some restraint. And then Sunday came with it's huge symphany bar from church, dinner and dessert at my Mom's and a second dessert at the in-laws! WHAT THE HECK!! I thought I could stop on Monday. But the in-laws gave me these irristable white chocolate covered craisins. Ya, they were gone in a day. Since I munched on sweets all day I couldn't help myself and delved into a bag of chocolate chips. WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm so mad at myself. What am I doing? This is NOT how I want my life to be lived. Yes, I think that holidays should be celebrated and I think it's okay to do it with food. But WHAT THE HECK!! Why can't I stop eating after just dessert. What is it in that process that clicks something in my brain to begin eating like that?

It must stop.

I'm going to start documenting my days again. So my 100 days begins again. CRAP!! Hopefully it begins with today.

Breakfast(300):
2 banana muffins
1/2 cup shake

The rest of the day was a crap shot. I forget how maddening it is to help with Dance recitals. Dinner always gets blown off and I'm running here, there, everywhere. It's no fun. So my day was crap. I'm hoping for a better more organized day tomorrow.

Hungery Like a Lion

2010-05-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

breakfast(310):
tortilla scramber
tortilla
2 eggs
2 tbl cheese

snack(200):
yogurt with granola

lunch(550):
small ham and turkey sandwich
fruit salad
veggies
Parfait

snack(320):
2 slices whole wheat bread
pbj

dinner(240):
apple
2 cheese sticks
baggie full of carrots and celery

snack(200):
yogurt with granola

grand total: 1620

That's more calories then I wanted to consume today. Especially since I'm not working out as much as I have in the past. I squeezed in another walk during Hannah's soccer game. I discovered the Spanish Fork River Walkway. It was beautiful. Another fun place I'll be taking my kids this summer.

It's been rough this evening. Brent has a massive headache so I sit in the basement watching Biggest Loser, and blogging to help keep my hands and mind busy while I wait to pick up Jaren from his ball game. There is no way I'm sitting outside. It's way too butt freezing cold.

I am proud of myself for getting through book club this afternoon. I had just one sandwich, one scoop of fruit salad and a bunch of veggies. When I went back for seconds for Grace, I didn't even touch them. I did allow myself some parfait. Because that is what a healthy person can do. I didn't have seconds but just enjoyed what was given to me.

I didn't want to eat too much for dinner or eat top ramen, which is what everyone else is having. So I brought an apple, cheese sticks, and bag of veggies. I ate them almost all when I finally sat down after my walk. But when I got home I was so hungry, so I ate some yogurt and granola. I really was sooo hungry. I couldn't go to be with that kind of hunger. But now I'm a little upset for the calories that I consumed today. It's still 6oo+ calories less then what I was consuming.

I didn't think I was focused on weight loss. The way I'm writing, it sure seems like that. I want so badly to be healthy, to be fit, to be happy. You know, I'm glad my head is back into the game. I'm relieved that I want this so badly that I've found my focus again. It's awesome.

I am going to count today as another good day. Good Day #4. I did display some good self-discipline. It was a good day. Just 96 more to go!

Fitting in a walk

2010-05-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Another successful day. Despite another busy day, I managed to stay pretty clean in my eating. I still need to add more veggies to my lunch and dinner. Eating veggies is KEY to my success in becoming healthy.

I didn't wake up and do p90x with Brent this morning. Cause he had to leave at 5am. I just stayed in bed and slept. I wasn't sure when I was going to get in my walk. The situation presented itself late in the evening. I walked around the block of the junior high while Isabel and Annika played their softball game. I made it around that ginormous block 3 times. I had to have gone at least 2 miles. I didn't slow my pace. I almost wanted to jog. I probably would have if it wasn't for the fact that I was wearing jeans.

I have no desire to run. But walking, that's a different story. It's so therapudic to me. I'm trying to approach my workouts differently. I'm going to try and stay in the fat burning zone which requires a lower heart rate instead of killing myself in an anaerobic state.

As I passed the Junior High's outdoor track with it's spacious field in the middle, a thought popped into my head. I'm going to bring the kids here in the summer. While I rotate walking a lap with running a lap, the kids can play. They can bring their bats and balls, or a soccer ball and kick it around. A brilliant idea. I am going to follow through with this.

I can't believe that I've had 3 good days in a row. Today I passed up ice cream, I bought myself a calorie free diet coke instead. Jaren really wanted fries so I relented and bought him some. I had just 3. He brought me the remainder of the fries which I quickly place in the garbage can.

3 good days down. Just 97 more to go.

breakfast(450):
2 slices whole wheat french toast(200)
2 tsp syrup(40)
4 tbl yogurt(40)
Protien shake with water(170)

whoa, I wont be doing that for breakfast again!!!

snack:
3 bited mac-n-cheese(60)
yogurt and granola(150)

lunch:
bq chicken pizza(350)
carrots

snack:
protien bar

dinner:
taco soup(350)
2tbl cheese(60)
1tbl sour cream(60)

total: 1480

Good Day 2

2010-05-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

I found success on Tuesday. No way!! It was going to be tough. I passed up a doughnut, a white chocolate dove candy, a left over doughnut, frozen yogurt, and opening up a bag of chocolate chips for something sweet after dinner. Big old pat on the back for me!!! And it wasn't hard! I love how putting your mind to something really does have power. Mind over body.

I just remember that I need to keep it up. My pantry is stalked up and so is my fridge with lots of veggies and fruit. There are no excuses!! NONE!!!

It's going to be a hard week for me this week too. My husband is working late every single night. Which means I get to do all the evenings by myself and all the sports by myself. That has always been an added stress. But this is where attitude comes into play. I'm not looking at it as a burden. But a chance to get out and spend some time away from the house. I'm also going to go for a walk with Grace while the girls are at their game.

I still need to get in some exercise. I can't wait to get out and go on a walk. I spent all day in and out of stores. Again, not once did I buy a candy bar, treat or sweet!! That is HUGE for me. Most of the time I'll look at that york peppermint patty and think to myself, "it's a reward. there aren't too many calories in that!". But there are. And I'm not rewarding myself. I'm just sabotaging myself.

I indulged in a diet coke at lunch again. That is my weakness. It's what's getting me through. Ya, for a whole 2 days. But that 2 good days down. Just 98 more to go!

breakfast:(170)
protien bar(morning on the run)

lunch:(400)
asian salad
diet coke

snack:
yogurt with home meade granola(200)
I was still hungry so I grabbed a slice of whole wheat bread with pbj(200)

dinner:
bbq chicken pizza on a super thin whole wheat dealy thing(300)
sauted spinach(30)

grand total: 1300

I'm trying to think if there was anything else I ate today?
carrots and cucumbers, but calorie wise, i don't think they count!

Good Day

2010-05-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it hard to stick to my pre-planned menu. I'm doing my best. At least I'm writing every thing down and keeping track. Which is something I didn't want to do again. But it really really really helps me to eat careful during the day.

I found a website that will calculate how many calories you need to eat to lose just 1lb a week. I was shocked to find out how many calories it was taking for me to keep at my current weight and how many I could still eat to lose. I think it was something ridiculous like 1800 calories. I do know that in the past I haven't eaten as much as I should. That is just as detremental as over eating.

Monday was a great day. I usually have great days on Mondays. It's Tuesday-Saturday that I struggle.

Monday
breakfast(390):
1 muffin(50)(I just couldn't help myself)
2 scrambled eggs(150)/1 tsp cheese(30)/ salsa(30)
1/2 cup cream of wheat(100)/ 2 tsp sugar(30)

snack(292):
chocolate protien shake(217)
1.5 muffins(75)

lunch(400):
Chicken Salad Sandwich
Muffin(50)

Snack: cottage cheese and manderin oranges(200)

Dinner:open face pulled pork sanwich(210)

total: 1490

The Plan

2010-05-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before I feel strongly that you have to have a plan to be successful. When ever I've followed a plan in the past I've found success. This time is no different. My plan is to follow Body for Life while watching the calories. I don't really enjoy counting calories. So to make things a little easier for me, I'm going to eat the same thing for Breakfast, Lunch and my two snacks. I will go bonkers if I have to count different calories every single day. I think this is one of the reasons I quit and run out of steam. So if I figure out my calories for an entire week with just 4 meals, that's easy. I didnt include dinner cause that does change every night. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Body for Life Eating Program, it's simple. At every meal you eat a portion of protien with a portion of carb. At lunch and dinner you eat a portion of veggies as well.I'm going to try and not eat any carbs at dinner. In my "old"age, carbs go straight to my gut, which is my problem area. Instead of carbs I'm going to eat a huge salad! I'm not going to eat anything after dinner. If I get hungry I'm going to go for an orange or an apple. I might pair that with some cottage cheese, since protien will fill me up. In addition to that, I'm going to try the ice water.

My meal plan for Week 1(geez, how many week one's have been featured on this blog? 1 to many!)

Breakfast(245):
Tortilla Scrambler
1 whole wheat tortilla 100
1 egg, 2 egg whites 135
2 tablespoons salsa 10

Snack (263):
Chocolate Protien Shake
1 Cup Milk 110
1 scoop chocolate protien powder 120
1/2 banana 66

Lunch (410):
Chicken Salad on Whole Wheat
1 chicken breast 100
diced green onion 10
diced bell pepper 10
grape halves 30
1 tbsp light mayo 30
2 tbsp light sour cream 40
lettuce
cucumber
2 slices home made whole wheat bread 160
Steamed Broccoli 30

Snack (150):
Cottage Cheese and Manderin Oranges

I can't let my life get out of control. Besides, what I was doing in the beginning of this year was working. I'm going to refocus my energies and get going again. Notice, no sweets in the mix there? That is going to be the hardest part of all of this. As I've metioned before. I just can't take part in sweets anymore. My body just can't take it.

Empowerment.

2010-04-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm not focusing wholly on weight loss, I can not let myself go. I can already feel my chubs returning around my mid-drift. My pants are a little tighter and my shirts aren't fitting like I like them. There is no way I'm going to put on my Friday pants cause I know exactly how they'll feel.

I have to do something.

I want to do something.

So what is it that I do?

Empower myself. I thought about Empowerment a lot yesterday. I remember how it felt to have control over food. Remember, I did lose 23lbs last year. It was an amazing feeling. It felt so good to be in control of my life. Yes, sometimes I gave into temptation. But who doesn't? I'm not asking myself to be perfect. I'm just asking for a little empowerment.

Food is just food. It's always going to be there. I know I've said that before. I guess I need reminding. My chubs will always be here too if I don't take control.

How do we find empowerment? It comes from deep down inside. And man, you have to dig deep. That's what I'm going to have to do, dig deep. I refuse to let myself gain weight while I focus on my kids. That is just defeating the purpose.

I have to have a plan to follow to be successful. I also feel like I have information overload, not know which plan to choose. I keep flling back to Body for Life. So simple, a portion of carb and a portion of protien with a veggie with lunch and dinner. Simple enough, and I can do that for the rest of my life.

It's getting rid of the junk that's going to be the hard part. But getting rid of that and saying no to that is what empowers me. And that's where you have to dig deep.

It's so funny to look back at the first 3 months of this year. I didn't think that what I was doing was workng. But as my clothes begin to feel tighter, I realize that it was working. I don't give myself enough credit. I need to keep plugging along and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. It just takes time, and I need to allow for that time.

Time and Empowerment. Digging Deep and sticking to a plan. That's my new strategy.

Sacrifices

2010-04-27T15:14:00.001-07:00

Along the pathway of life we all make sacrifices. As I've been thinking about my current situation as a mother, there is more way then one that I sacrifice.

About a week ago I felt like I was in a tornado. There was so many good things that I want to do with my life right now. I still want to lose weight. In addition to that I still want to break my emotional eating, naturally eat healthy, improve my relationship with my children and become a positive disciplinarian. As I thought about all of those huge task, I felt overwhelmed and discouraged!

As I knelt in prayer a few nights ago, the impression I recieved was to focus on my relationship with my children. I need to foster a relationship of love and trust with my children. So to this end I once again am sacrificing myself for them. I will be over weight for a little while longer in the name of Love and Motherhood. Kudos to those women who can lose weight and be super Mom. I am not one of them. I am not ashamed to admit it.

I will still be exercising, because I love it and it's so good for me to continue on that journey. But I will not be focusing on my weight loss. I have to put all of my efforts into my children right now. Too soon will they be gone from my home. When that happens I want them to have a desire to return and feel comfortable coming back when ever they need to. I don't want them to despise home and have a feeling of "I'm never go back there!".

I also realize that my emotional eating is attached to my children. I hope as I focus on them and foster greater relationships with them that I will help that aspect of my life. **Sigh** One can only pray for such a miracle.

I am not going to abandon all reason either. I will still try to eat healthy and make good choices. I'm just not going to count calories or be a carb nazi. But I will try to fnd balance with food as I put my energies elsewhere.

I hope to write about my continued journy here. It will take on a slightly different twist. It's good to document and write things down. Right?

Revelations

2010-04-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G!!! And it's been no fun. I've follow my usual emotional circle, eat till I can't eat no more and feel even worse about myself. Trying to lose weight was getting to be overwhelming and so discouraging. I have been working out so hard to help with my weight loss and it's only brought me tears of frustration. I was also just about to give up on prayer. Why would my Heavenly Father want to help me with weight loss. I have been pleading on my knees morning and night for help and to no avail. My total weight loss for this entire year is just 2 stinking pounds. Seriously, what is a girl to do?

I felt really badly about entertaining the idea of quitting. Most of all quitting on my Heavenly Father. I don't want to quit exercising, I love it. I don't want to quit eating healthy. But it's my nutrtion that is standing in my way.

I started writing in a journal Monday night and low and behold something very strong finally dawned in my tiny brain. If I stop exercising and eating the way that I do I could balloon to 300+lbs!! My yo-yo eating habits are that bad. I do really well, in the name of weight loss. Fell terrible when I screw up. Eat myself into a frenzy for a week or more and then start the proccess over. It has to stop. It's more then just my weight now. It's my LIFE!!! My emotional attachment to food is crazy strong! I have to stop it or it's going to continue to control my life.

I need to get a handle on this before I can start to focus on weight loss. But I hope in the process of gaining a new attitude towards food, incorporating good food and lots of veggies that weight loss will be a natural result. But if it's not, that's okay. Right now, finding balance in every day life is what it's about for me right now.

I have to find other outlets then food. Food is my enemy, but it's also a love of mine. How do you balance mortal enemies?

In my mind, a normal day could involve a cookie after lunch. Just as long as I can stop at that one cookie. It's okay to have a "carb" with dinner as long as it's a good whole wheat one served in a true portion. Am I wrong in my thinking? As long as these things are balanced with a lot of healthy cooking and a boat load of veggies, why couldn't I do those things?

I'm changing my focus. Weightloss is seriously killing me. I fight myself every single day and I can't do it any more. It's just too ding dang hard. I'm fighting so many other sources of evil that I shouldn't have to be fighting myself in addtion. I need to be loving myself, supporting myself, and being strict with myself. I will have to focus on weight loss once I get a real handle on my day to day life. I have to focus on chaging my "relationship" and emotional attachment that I have with food.

Aslo while writing in my journal the idea of a support group popped into my head. I can't afford to join one, so why not start one here in my awesome neighborhood filled with awesome women who may or may not be struggling.

It's worth a shot.

Getting Geared

2010-03-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

I can feel that tightening happening again within my being. That tightening that needs to take place to find success in any aspect in life. I've been unwound for long enough. I can feel the desire and the motivation starting to build and gain momentum. Is it really going to happen this time? I threw away the rest of the red vines after dinner tonight. I chucked the peanut m&m's on to the furthest, most highest, most difficult spot to get to in my laundry room. Now the only thing for me to do is to get the fixings for that amazing salad that I keep talking about. And to not purchase any more treats at the store. I'm finding that peppermint patties are my downfall right now. I feel as if they are low-in fat, and low enough in calories to sneak into my diet routine. But in reality, it's not okay. Maybe when I'm in my maintaining state. But I'm not in my maintaining state. Even then, I think the sweet, minty bite needs to be held for the weekends. Am I the only person that has a downfall? Food that tempts them to the point of collapse?

What is your downfall if you have one? What are you going to do to overcome it?

What am I going to do?

Make sure that I don't go to the store hungry? That's a good one. I think I'll arm myself with a bottle of water too. Make sure I always have one in my purse to drink instead of reach for that darn peppermint pattie!!

Walking it Out

2010-03-16T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today I went on a lovely walk with Melissa. The sun was shinning brightly and I was able to wear my killer sunglasses. As Melissa and I talked I mentioned how her upcoming birth was quickly approaching. She wanted me to repeat it cause time seemed to slow down for her. I told her it wasn't and I didn't want her to have that baby anytime soon. The plan was for me to lose 20lbs while she gained 20lbs. That's not happening. She has just about 2 months left and there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that's going to happen. But it did re-affirm my desire to lose this wretched weight.

Birthdays are now over with. Sickness, for now, is over with. And vacation for the rest of the year is over with. I have no other obstacles blocking my path to weight loss. Except myself.

Tomorrow I'm chucking all the sweets that are preventing me from having good days. I'm going to purchase the makings of a great salad and begin in earnest to change my lifestyle.

My anniversary is coming up on April 12th. I would love to lose 10lbs by then. I think 7 is more realistic.

Once again here are my goals up until April 12th.

1. Lose 7 lbs.
2. NO BUYING PEPPERMINT PADDIES AT THE STORE!!!!
3. Drink loads of water.
4. Continue to work out for 1-2 hours a day
5. Follow the Body for Life eating program to the T!!!
6. Gain control of my weekends!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the trick is to keep my self motivated.

What do you do to keep motivated?

Home again, Home again

2010-03-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

My vacation is over. I'm back to the day to day routine. I woke up and headed to the gym this morning. My favorite instructor substituted in my spin class this morning which was a pleasant surprise. I was conscious of my eating choices and still indulged in 3 pieces of licorice and a few bites of a garlic roll. Remind me again why nutrition is so powerful in weight loss? Why can't I exercise for 3 hours a day, be careful with what I eat and lose weight. Why do I have to be a nazi in the kitchen. I love being the bedtime nazi, the brush your teeth nazi, the get your homework done nazi, but the kitchen nazi I am NOT!!! Why can't nature balance itself out and just let me lose weight by exercising my guts out. It just doesn't seem fair!!! I guess life isn't fair. I guess I'll have to start being the kitchen nazi.

It just seems like I'm going in circles and not getting anywhere. I'm still not ready to give up. I'll keep going in circles until I find my groove.

This week I'm going back to the Body for Life eating program. It's simple, straight forward and easy to follow. No counting calories. Just portions. That's up my ally and something I can stick to for the rest of my life.

What are you doing to find weight loss success?

Of Vomit and Vacation

2010-03-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

The month of February always throws me off! It's my birthday and I tend to indulge when it's my birthday. When that happens I have a hard time getting back on track. Then I have to struggle with 3 more birthdays and all the cake and ice cream associated with them. It's tough, to say the least.

On top of all of that I got a vicious stomach virus. Which in theory would help me to lose weight since I'm shooting liquid out my butt and mouth. Okay, that was a little crude, but the truth. When your sick you don't feel like eating leafy green veggies. So I opted for the higher caloric intake of simple crap foods. Did I mention that I suffer from emotional eating? Ya, I really do. The whole week I was feeling like crap, and eating crap I didn't make it to the gym. I gave a valiant effort on a Monday but the gurgling and churning in my stomach quickly sent me home and to the comfort of my bed.

Then comes the week before my period where I become bloated and my body holds on to all fluids and I end up gaining weight. At least I have my period to blame that on. I hate my bloated belly and those crappy feelings associated with the beautiful process called menstruation. At least I'm having a period and my i.u.d. hasn't failed me. This week I was back to the gym like a dedicated rat, every ding dang morning at 5am. If only I could get my eating to catch up to my exercising. I would be one lean, mean, sexy machine. ***SIGH***

It doesn't stop there. We are leaving for Vacation tomorrow. What's associated with road trips and vacation? That's right, junk food, and mindless eating. Oh the torture of it all to one who is trying to lose weight. I'm trying to have a good attitude and a brilliant strategy. No matter how hard I plan, and pump myself up I end up slipping and diving into the goodness of vacay food. Bless my struggling heart. And on top of that, I will be in full swing of my menstruation cycle, and what's associated with that? That's right, junk food and mindless eating. I see a pattern happening here! The twins would be so proud of me. ***SIGH***

I'm just going to let happen what happens. Gravity and Nature are pulling against me. I am going to give a valiant effort to eat right and make good and wise choices. Then, when I get home, I'm really going to bang my weight loss out. How many times do I need to tell myself that the strictness only has to happen for about 4 months. In 4 months I could have all my weight melted away and have a "normal" life. What ever "normal" is. ***SIGH***

See you in about a week.

Sleep Wins

2010-02-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

This past week I have felt more exhausted then ever before. Getting up at 4:45am to get to the gym by 5am has been killer for me. On top of that I'm still getting extremely sore when I lift weights with Melissa. Seriously, when will the soreness ever not haunt me? I know the soreness that I feel is a good sore, it means my body is changing. But being that sore and that exhausted on top of feelings of giving up were not a good combo this week. I opted to sleep on Wednesday morning and also this morning. I felt as if my body deserved a little break.

Thoughts of exercising too much also started to creep into my head. Is it possible to exercise too much? Monday I worked out for 90 minutes, Tuesday = 3 hours, Wed = 2 hours, Thursday = 2 hours and 30 minutes. I have yet to work out today, Friday(I will be going for a run this afternoon). Then I step on the scale and find that I've lost 1.1lbs. Holy Crap. Another loss. Even with me still struggling with my eating and being so tired I managed to have a successful week. So, No, I don't think I can exercise too much. My exercise is making up for mistakes in eating.

I am more determined then ever to be better for the next 2 weeks. We will be going to Disneyland and I want to do better then I've done so far. I need to stock my fridge with cut veggies. I need get a fat-free dip to dip them into. I need to make sure I have fruit to snack on and lots of lettuce to make myself salads in the evenings. I can't believe that I lost weight again. I'm sure the loss would have been greater if I had just been better with my nutrition. That's all behind me now. I keep saying that week after week after blessed week. One thought that I had this past week and I'm going to make it my new mantra is this:

Food will always be there. And so will my weight if I don't stop treating food like it's my last day on earth.

Food will ALWAYS be there, waiting for me. Waiting, waiting, waiting. But I'm going to still keep this extra weight on me if I keep eating, eating, eating. I've got to be somewhat strict with myself just through the end of May so I can't lose this weight. Then I can eat like a regular person, work out hard, and maintain.

2 months are almost up and I've only lost 5lbs. , maybe. What the heck? I can feel it though. My body wants this, it wants to change. It's just testing me to see if what I'm doing is for real. If I'm truly serious about this new exercise and nutrition gig. Well, it is for real. And I mean business!!!

I also tried on my Friday pants and they are beginning to fit much better. Stil a little snug. But I'm finally starting to see some results.

A bright light bulb moment

2010-02-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I had a beautiful conversation with my Aunt Mel. We began talking about the struggles we've had with our weight. Those dang Edwards genes are so hard to fight. Aunt Mel told me about a time when she was diagnosed with Fibro Mialgia. She had been talking with a counselor. It sounded like, to this counselor, that Aunt Mel was mourning her previous self. The self that had the energy to get so much done when she would get home from work. I had never thought that you could mourn a previous self. I realized as I was talking with Mel that I have been mourning a previous me.

Before the twins were born I was so happy. I was getting thin, healthy, and content. Things were going my way and it was an incredible feeling. Then my world was flipped upside down by the realization of another pregnancy. One that I wasn't ready for and devastated by. I cried for the first few month. Then a double whammy, it was twins. I had no idea I was carrying twins until my 21 week ultrasound. Not only was my world flipped upside down, but inside out, twisted, tilted until it would never ever be the same again. I prepared myself for the worse. Having one baby was difficult enough, but what was two going to be like. My life was, and has never been the same.

I suppose I mourned, without knowing I was mourning, my previous self. As I reflect on the person I am today I can honestly say that I'm happy with the person that I have evolved into. My testimony of the Gospel is stronger and deeper. I've discovered that I can have my own voice in my marriage, and share it. The most important discovery is that I know my role on this Earth is to be a Mother. As challenging as it is for me, this is what I am to do.

Becoming a mother didn't happen the way I ever would have imagined. My weight has gone up and down with each of the births of my children. The last two have been the most difficult. But knowing that it's okay to mourn my former self has been very empowering. As long as I no longer dwell on it and move forward in a positive and motivating way. I still have a lot to go before I reach my goals. I truly feel as though a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I did a much better job with my nutrition today. I made conscience efforts to make the right choices. Sooner or later those choices are going to add up to big numbers. They have to.

Eavesdropping

2010-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning at the gym I overheard a conversation between two men. The one, who was the bigger of the two, was complaining how he wasn't losing weight. Then he told the other dude how he's more interested in the inches, but when he looks down at his gut that's when he feel overweight. HA! Even men have the same thoughts as women do! I find that so interesting. I feel the same way dude, when I look down at my gut I feel, for lack of a better word, fat. I giggled to myself as I walked away.

Despite my "horrible" week last week I still managed to lose 1lb. I think that is just insane. But I'm grateful that I am having success. I decided that I need to do a better job at writing down my feelings with a pen on paper. There is something so therapudic about that. I am also recording my long term goals, and my short term goals(my week to week goals).

My long term goal:
In 15 weeks I will lose 18lbs
In 15 weeks I will be a size 12
In 15 weeks I will have a healthy lifestyle that includes lots of veggies

My short term goal for this week:
Write everyday in my journal
Count calories
Drink at least 4 quart size mugs of water
Do not buy peppermint paddies when I go to the store. (just a small confession there.)

I've heard over and over that you must write your goals down if you want to attain them. Losing weight is a huge goal for me that I want to achieve. I am going to stick to my weekly goals this week. I need to be down more this week. I am more determined then ever to be successful.

Why?

2010-02-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Why is it that food has to be so good and desirable. I wish I had the self-discipline to refuse to eat when tempted, or hungry, or stressed, or hormonal. I like to blame this new go around of failures on hormones. I hate being on my period. I get bloated, sad, and want to eat like a cow! Or is this just another excuse for my bad eating habits. I guess it could be. But, I generally do much better during other times of the month. I'm just disappointed in myself for failing once again. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Goodness, weight loss is such an emotional roller coaster, it's simply maddening!! I've been trying to do the usual u-turn. I end up just going around in circles.

So I sit, trying to write through my thoughts and feelings. I want to be successful in my endeavor and I hate to revert back to such bad habits. I guess we are not with out our failings.

I've missed watching the Biggest Loser. There is always something said that is so empowering to me. This time it was this quote, "They realized their dream and worked to achieve it." My dream is to finally lose my last 20lbs. I am willing to stick to counting calories until my kids get out of school to reach my goal. I have to, I must, nothings going to get in my way. Yes, I will have set backs like yesterday and today. But tomorrow is a new day. I have a new determination and desire to continue down my path. Yes, it's going to be hard and tiring. But it's going to be so worth it in the end.

We all have bad days, and sometimes those days might pile up. But all is never lost. Thank goodness for forgiveness and the hope of a new day.

Friday Pants update week 4 & 5

2010-02-07T05:55:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't been diligent in writing. I have been diligent in my journey to lose 20lbs. That 3rd week was such a rough week for me. But I didn't let it get me down. I did end up losing 1lb in my 4th week which didn't really have much effect on me. This last Thursday I stepped on the wii fit board and found out that I lost 2.2lbs. Holy Crap that was exciting!! And just the motivation I needed to keep on the path. Motivation is such a powerful thing. It really helped me this Friday and Saturday to do so much better with my eating. I realized that what I was doing was finally working and I didn't want to screw it all up. Plus, when I put on my Friday pants, they fit a little better. I took pictures of me again and compared them to the first week and there are definate changes going on. What encouragment.

I am surviving my birthday week. I haven't gone out of control. It's been easy to eat less and make better choices. Which is what I want to do permanently.

I hope for another good week with at least another pound down!!!

Still no change on the scale

2010-01-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

I quickly stepped on the scale this morning at the gym. I was sad to see the same number but relieved that it didn't go up. At some point on this journey the scale has to go down. On a happier note I am noticing some changes in my body. My upper legs are getting more toned due to spin class, and I think my gut might be going down as well. I'm not giving up and I'm going to continue to get up at 4:45am to go to the gym. Losing weight causes me to be cranky. I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does. There's just no way around pain, exhaustion, and hunger pains. I wish there was, but I think it's just part of the process. Through it all I become so aware of my body, down to the tiniest of muscles. I just wish I could do it with the crank. I will just continue to pray for strength and energy. Pray for little miracles during the day.

Yesterday I rewarded myself with a york peppermint paddy. I really needed it and so I gave it to myself. I think that helped to not completely sabotage myself. I was careful the rest of the day and had an amazing dinner of pf chang chicken wraps. Home made of course. And they were truly AMAZING!!! I just turned it into a salad. I add zucchini to the mix and that added so much more nutrition to the meal. Yesterday morning I also made zucchini whole wheat waffles for the kids for breakfast. I even ate two squares because they were so healthy. It's been so much fun making my meals with a healthy twist. Finding ways to sneak in veggies into my kids diet has been fun and challenging too! I hope to make it a permanent strategy.

A note and kind words

2010-01-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

This morning I was busy getting the kids breakfast. A lot of things go unnoticed sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life. As I went to clear a spot at the table I noticed my journal that I had written in last night had handwriting other then my own. I picked it up and it was a note from my husband expressing to me that I was awesome and that he loves me no matter what I look like. It was only a few short sentences but they spoke volumes. I don't think he'll ever understand how much those sentences mean to me. He doesn't write notes very often, twice a year maybe. Once on birthday and again on Mother's Day. So to me, this was big. It brought me to tears.

Encouragement is sometimes all we need to push us past our difficult moments. This morning I talked with the turbo-kick instructor and her encouragement and kind words were also very helpful. As are all the comments from my friends who read this blog. I couldn't keep going on this journey without you or your kind words of encouragement. Life is to short to go it alone. Thanks for being apart of mine.

The only meal I struggled with was dinner. I didn't have anything planned for me and a salad just sounded disgusting. So I had Top Ramen with everyone else, portion tiny with some canned green beans. I made sure not to eat anything after dinner. Other then that, it was a great eating day. I hope I can keep it up.

Reflect and Readjust

2010-01-25T16:15:00.000-08:00

I had plenty of time this weekend to reflect on the past 3 weeks. Thursday morning I went and talked with Melissa. I mostly cried about my disappointment and frustration. On the surface I wanted to quit. Deep down inside I was resolved to change even more, to improve in my nutrition. Melissa asked the right questions, which I'm so grateful for. She asked me how my weekends were going. I hate weekends. They are difficult for me, eating wise. I love weekends because I get to spend time with the family and do fun things. But eating makes it so it's regretful. I revert into bad habits so I quickly become the closet eater and sneak treats that I shouldn't have. A handful of chocolate chips, a handful of reece's pieces, a candy bar at the store, a doughnut at the store, and so on and so forth. I have to break my bad habit weekends. I know I do well with a free day, but it's so hard to stick to just one day. I want so badly to lose this weight, and the disappointment of a bad 3 weeks is really putting me in the mindset that I need to be in to break this bad habit. My first question to myself is how? How do I break years and years of purging on the weekends. Purging from Fridays clear through till I have a treat at FHE. Seriously? What comes to my mind is a lot of prayer and discipline. I need to also be completely and utterly prepared for Saturdays. Have my meals lined up, and they must be easy to prepare. For the next 3 weeks I'm going to attack my Saturdays with these strategies.

During the week I can improve upon my snacking. I was replacing my diet coke vice with special K bars. Hey, they were only 90 calories. Well, I would end up having 2 and a bite of Grace's. How the heck is that going to help me lose weight. It's not. Plus I wasn't being super careful or "strict" with myself. I hate using the word strict because it has such negative conotation. But if I'm going to lose this weight I need to be strict for the next 4 months. I truly truly turly want to have this weight gone by the time my kids are out of school. Another strategy that I'm going to implement is to eat my carbs in the morning and early afternoon. No carbs after 4pm, no matter what. To conclude my day I'm going to stop eating after dinner. I'm also going to concentrate on drinking just water during the day. Unless I go out then I allow myself a diet coke. I drop my cup in the trash on the way out the door.

I've also been encouraged to keep a journal. A real physical journal where I keep track of every calorie I eat and my feelings associated with those calories. I wont be keeping track of those here, too boring.

So to re-cap, my goals for the next 3 weeks are to:
1. Become victorious over my weekends by:
a. Prayer
b. Discipline
c. Having my meals planned a head of time
d. sit and write until my urge to purge goes away
2. Make more sensible snacking choices
3. No carbs after 4pm
4. Drink more water
5. Keep a journal of my eating and emotions

I wont be changing my exercise routine. I don't think I can exercise more then I already am. I guess I could, and towards the end I might have to. But for now, I need to feed my oven with fuel to get my oven hot and ready to burn all this fat off of me. My fuel wasn't quality the past 3 weeks and they are going to be for the next 3. If this doesn't help to see some change... I will give up. Give up on losing weight. I wont give up on trying to be healthy. Just losing weight. Okay, maybe I'll give it another 3 weeks. We'll just have to wait and see how the next 3 go!!

The Reality of it All

2010-01-21T08:28:00.001-08:00

I stepped on the scale at the gym yesterday morning and this morning. Reality punched me in the face with a 3lb weight gain!!! I'm not losing a 1lb a week I'm freaking gaining a 1lb a week. This is just not fair. I have been working my tail end off going to the gym every single morning for the past 3 weeks, only missing once, sweating like I've never sweat before and I'm on the verge of tears for the second day in a row. This just doesn't seem fair to me. I've been careful with what I've been eating and it just doesn't seem to matter one bit.

Discouragement is quickly setting in. How am I suppose to work any harder then I already am? I've stopped drinking diet coke, I've cut out sweets during the day, I've increased my fruits and veggies and downing loads of water, getting up at 4:45am and working out until 7am at the gym. What am I doing wrong?

I really want to just stop. What use is all this work? Nothing apparently. My whole goal is to lose weight, in all reality. I know I'm suppose to be getting healthier as well. But if weight loss isn't a result of healthier choices, what's the use.

This really sucks and I don't know how to keep going.

That was so hard I wanted to cry

2010-01-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I worked out my lower body with Melissa. Due to my determination to lose weight and inches I grabed for a heavy weight. Oh the agony. I was so sore this morning. I could feel it coming on last night. Of course I had to go to the Spin Natzi for spinning class this morning. I didn't think I would make it through just the warm up. Spin class is hard enough for me, let alone when my legs are super sore and exhausted. Half way through class I wanted to get off the bike and leave. But alas, I didn't. No matter how exhausted I was, I knew I was changing my body. And the only way I am going to change my body is to push through pain and discomfort. During the work out I did want to cry, to vomit and to give up. But my will to lose weight was stronger then my pain. Did I put forth my best effort today, maybe not. But just the fact that I stuck with that stinking class was enough for me today.

As a result I have been overly tired today. To the point of tears. I'm quick to anger, and I just feel cranky. On top of it all I can't stop obessing about my gut. My bulging bulbous belly. It is the reason I am working so hard and at the same time it is also discouraging to me. I look in the mirror in the mornings and think that it will never go down in inches. What I need is a miracle for that to happen. I've been struggling with my weight ever since I've lived in Spanish Fork. I stood on many precipices last year, but this is the biggest one by far. And I'm scared. I still don't know why. But I am. Maybe it's of failing again.

I'm no longer satisfied with the body that I have. This is the reason for my insane work-out schedule. I look at all the girls at the gym who are there at the same time as me and for the same amount of time and they're all skinny minnies. When will my time come to be a skinny minnie? Yes, it's only 2.5 weeks and I need to give it at least 2 months to see some change. But gosh darn it I'm getting impatient. I have 15 freaking more weeks of this hell and I'd better start seeing some results soon or I'm going to ask people to start putting me out of my misery.

Where's that genie in a bottle? I just want one wish granted, and that's to be 155lbs, no less. Is that too hard to ask? Or maybe I'd ask for a freakishly fast metabolism, that way I could eat what ever the heck I wanted and just worry about the work out portion. Ya, that's the ticket.

I'm just tired. I need to go to be super early tonight.

So Tempting

2010-01-17T15:25:00.001-08:00

I'm finding it hard not to step on the scale. I've noticed that my gut has gone down just a tad, but enough for me to notice a difference. I feel like I've lost weight, but I can't really confirm that since I'm not stepping on any scales. It's probably a good thing that my current scale needs new batteries. And it's too much work to pull out my wii fit board and go through that process. I guess I could do that if I become desperate. Then I run the risk of becoming discouraged. The instructor for my turbo-kick class encouraged us not to step on the scale for the first month, almost 2. She told us that it takes almost 2 months before we start seeing results. My problem is that I'm not a new comer to working out. I've been working out this whole last year. I wasn't working out as intensely as I've started to this year. I hope I have that going for me.

It's the nutrition that continues to head my progress. I'm trying to indulge as much as I can on Sunday's without sabotaging myself. I know having a free day will help me to be good during the whole week. I find that I struggle starting Friday nights. I need to find the strength to say no and keep strong. It's just so freaking hard. It shouldn't be hard if I am really serious about losing weight. But losing weight is hard and this is a challenge for me.

I need to continue to pray for strength and ways to overcome my years and years of bad habits.

It's going to happen. This weight is going to come off in 4 months. NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Gut Gage; Week 2

2010-01-15T06:04:00.000-08:00

There are many things that I've been thinking about this past week. First and foremost I've improved upon my eating. I didn't "cheat" as much this week. I knew that I needed to eat better if all the exercise I was doing was going to have a chance to work. It's still difficult to not reach for something sweet after lunch and dinner. Instead of snacking on Special K bars, I use those as my "dessert". I'm also finding that my appetite has increased since I'm exercising so much. So it's even more vital that I have a well stocked pantry and reach for fruits and veggies.

I didn't drink 1 diet coke this week!!! Not ONE!!! Amazing. And the most astonishing realization is that I really don't miss it or have any kind of attachment to it. What a relief. I still miss the fizz of soda and so I indulged in a Fresca yesterday with lunch. It was refreshing and hit the spot. After my glass was gone, I reached for my water. I have been trying to drink more water this week as well. I know it helps in at least two ways. First, it keeps my hydrated, especially my muscles that I'm trying to strengthen and grow. And second, it helps keep hunger at bay. I think in the past I've confused thirst with hunger. To try and combat that, I keep a big glass of ice water on the counter ready for me at all times. It seems to be a strategy that is working well.

This past week there is one word that stuck out in my mind. Uncomfortable. I heard it first from Melissa. She commented that if I get uncomfortable during the day with my hunger, that it's a good thing. My body is burning fat and my stomach is decreasing. I'm not starving by any means. I think it's good to feel those hunger pains. Which in the past I've forgotten what those are like. Now I welcome them. They make me feel more alive and aware of my body. It's great. I heard if for a second time in my spin class. The instructor told us to run faster then what was comfortable. I heard it again in my turbo-kick class. I realized once again that one of the major ways we can change our lives, and our bodies is to get out of our comfort zones. Weither that is physically, mentally, sprititually or socially. Great changes happen when are utterly and completely uncomfortable. I have been uncomfortable all week. Especially in the exercise, physical aspect. I do need to feel more uncomfortable during the day and welcome my hunger pains.

Food has always been a major battle for me. A comforting feeling came over me as I continued on this journey. I found relief from junk food. I felt my body give itself a big sigh, and was almost thanking me for eating well. This doesn't mean that I don't struggle with major sugar urges. I still have a lot of emotional attachment to food, and a lot of bad habits that I have to break. Just simply recognizing that my body welcomed the change, is encouraging.

Deep down I'm tired of treating myself like crap. Feeding my body crap. Saying crappy things to myself. My body was created in the image of a loving God, who loves me and wants me to be happy. Well, I want to be happy too. I refuse to treat myself like this any longer. I deserve better. And if only for the simple fact that I am a daughter of God.

As I go along this journey of weight loss. I'm trying to gage my success by other variable besides the scale. One way, as you found last week, is my friday pants. Which I have yet to put on. The other gage is going to be by my gut. I loathe my gut. I've tried to look at it positively. No matter how many times I tell myelf it reminds me of the miracle of 6 children, it's just not working anymore. I had seeing it stick out when I stand sideways. I hate how it rolls over my legs when I sit down on the toilet and can grab at it on either side. DISGUSTING!!! When I roll over in bed it sags to the side and I can grab at it there to. Every morning as I roll out of bed, I pause when I come to my side and grab that sag. One day that sag will start to go down and there will be less to grab. That is my dream. To one day no longer have a sagging gut. It is by far the most discouraging feature on my body. All my hard work is to get rid of that. And a few other "problem" features on my body as well. I'll be honest, there's a lot.

I have to remind myself that this is just the second week and all articles I've been reading online tell me that it will take me anywhere from 17-19 weeks to lose this weight. Which can be a long time but really, it's not. I just need to keep my chin up, my calories down, and my exercise intense.

Say Hello to my Friday pants, week 1

2010-01-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

I decided that when I started this journey again that I wasn't going to weigh in for the first month. I can't deal with the agony that is associated with stepping on the scale and seeing a not so good number! So instead, I'm using Friday pants to gauge my progress for the first month. I will use them for the duration of this journey, but they'll be my scale for the first month. I took photos of myself this morning and planned to post them here. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a whole lot of muffin top, fat back, and bedonk-i-donk going. I reveal a lot of myself in this blog, I just can't reveal that much. Besides, anyone who reads this, and saw the photos, would feel the urge to vomit and never return again.

It was very motivational for me to take the photos non-the-less. I saw where I needed to improve and had a great desire to fit in those damn pants. It made me want to eat super healthy and work out twice as hard. How I can work out harder then I am? I don't think it's possible. Okay, it is cause they do it on the biggest loser.

One week down and just 15 more to go. That is just crazy to think about. It was a good week overall. I loved all the exercise and know that I need to do some tweaking with my eating. I'm ready to get my oven burning hot hot hot and melt this fat away.

You've gotta try this

2010-01-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

Turbo Kick that is. It was a total wicked work-out. Fun, intense, and very motivational. I highly enjoyed the instructor. She was so positive. Towards the end of the work-out we were doing squats, before I knew it the trainer was right by my side saying to the whole class, "I wish you could see her! She is squeezing those gluts and has wonderful form!" Oh boy!! I'm sure the hundreds and hundreds of squats that I've done with Melissa has helped me. I was once again a sweaty mess when I left the gym!! I loved it. When I sweat like that I know I'm burning some serious calories.

Now for the hard part. I am not going to lose an ounce of fat if I don't really concentrate on my nutrition. All my working out is going to be for nothing if I don't get my real act together. I need to lock all those stupid special k bars away. They are too good, and I can easily down 2 of those in one sitting. I think it's better then indulging in cookies, or cookie dough or candy. I think what I'm doing is replacing the diet coke that I've taken out of my daily regimen. I knew that was going to happen. This is just the first week. I see where I need to improve and I am so ready to do it. I am going to grab for an apple instead of a special k bar. I need to keep a glass of ice water ready and waiting for me on my counter. Water is key to my success. I know what I need to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's the snacks that are killing me. Plus, working out for an average of 2 hrs a day is causing my appetite to be ravenous. I know I need to feed my body. Food is fuel, the right kind of food that is.

I did get me some excellent protein powder today. That should really help with the snacks. At least one of them anyway.

I am almost done with one week. Just 15 more to go. If things go as planned!!

Got Sweat?

2010-01-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

I sure do. Especially after my brutal spin class this morning. I kept telling myself toward the end, I can't do this any more. But I didn't give up. I'm not even close to giving up yet. First of all the lady teaching the class has to be a work-out finatic. In fact, I know she is cause she's run on a treadmill next to me. She is a MACHINE!!!! And she worked us out like we were all enjoying the pain she was inflicting upon us. Maybe the other crack-heads were enjoying it. Me, not so much. Then again it was only my 2nd class in 3 years when just 3 years ago I only took 3 classes. I thought to myself, dang this is hard, is it going to get any easier? And then the sweat!!! Holy Crap was I sweaty. My pants were sticking to me, my shirt was sticking to me, my hair was sopping wet. I thought it was just my unconditioned self. As I eavesdropped on other conversations this is what I heard, " It's like I took a shower with all my clothes on, this is disgusting," and "I've never sweat this much in my life, I need to go wash my hands." I released a huge sigh of relief. Thank goodness it just wasn't me. I wasn't being whimping or weak. It really was a killer work-out. I had to have burned 600 calories, easy in that hour. Plus, I burned 222 calories the 30 minutes I spent on the treadmill just before the spinclass. As much as I complain about how horrid that class was, it wasn't. It was very rewarding to know I survived such torture, and I'll probably go back for me.

Now, as for the eating. I can still do much much better. I'm working on it. I'm still doing so much better then just a few weeks ago. Which isn't hard since it was the holidays. But I'm still giving credit where credit is due. I was introduced to this amazing website, www.dailyburn.com. This is one amazing calorie tracker. I recommend this to everyone trying to keep their calories, or just what they eat in check. I haven't explored too much of it yet. But I know the calorie tracker is killer.

Oh, this better work

2010-01-05T20:26:00.001-08:00

I made it to the gym again this morning. I was there for total of 1 hour and 45 minutes. I ran/walked on the treadmill and then went to the Turbo Kick class. It was a good morning. But my exercise wasn't over with yet. At 9am I went to Melissa's and we tore our arms and back up. Cause you know, you have to tear those muscles down to build them back up again. I am beginning to feel my back and my arms. I keep thinking to myself, this had better work gosh darn it!!! If I don't lose weight working out almost 3 hours a day, just shoot me now.

I know that nutrition is definitely key, and I'm working, working, working on that. A day that I don't indulge in white anything, chocolate, cookies (including dough), or chips is a good, good day. And I've had two great days. There is still a ton of room for improvement. But I know what I have to do. Cut the crap, and eat the fresh.

I also realize that I need to continue to record what I eat. So I will do start doing that tomorrow. It truly helps to keep me in check.

Exploring the reasons I eat

2010-01-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

I thought a lot about this topic over the holiday season. There was a lot of drama that went on. I found myself eating to once again comfort myself. I also found myself wondering the main floor and converging into the pantry and just eating for the sake of eating. I ate because I was bored. I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm frustrated, I eat when I'm sad and lonely. For far too long food has been my comfort, my crutch.

I didn't achieve my whole goal last year. But the amazing thing about last year is I never stopped thinking about my end goal. I might have lost my will several times. But I never lost my way. I've always had a way. I know how to eat, what to eat and when to eat. It's having the confidence in myself to know that it will work. Hello, I lost 20lbs.

I'm still in the fight for my life. Losing this last 20lbs is not an option, it's a must. I must do everything in my power for the next 4 months to lose this weight. I'm giving myself a deadline. 20lbs in 4months is so doable is laughable. That's just barely over 1lb a week. Enough procrastination, enough justification, enough emotional eating and tearing myself down for my imperfections.

I'm so mad at myself for giving up last year. What was I thinking? I was thinking it was too hard. But if I'd just do it I wouldn't have to put myself through is any longer.

Today I went to the gym at 5am. I walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes and went to a spinning class for 45 minutes. To supplement my my nutrition retardidness I'm going to workout 2-3 hours a day. Crazy and insane I know. But this is SERIOUS!!! After I lose this 20lbs I just have to maintain. I've maintained this weight for 6 months. Maintaining is the easy part, losing is not.

But this is the year I finish the job. It has to be. I'm done having my life being a burden on myself.

Too Afraid of Disappointing

2009-12-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

The Holidays turned out to be more then I could handle. I thought I could be strong enough, powerful enough to resist temptation. I ended up Not being strong enough to resist temptation and not even motivated to get up in the mornings to get to the gym. Sometimes I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I am just too darn tired of disappointing myself. Plus, having to tell Melissa that I lost my fire was too hard. I came up with excuses for not working out with her. I just couldn't look at her in the face and see that disappointment.
As I look back at the beginning of December I realized why I lost my fire. It was the 2lbs that I gained that first week. That week of perfection. Do you know how discouraging that is? To have a perfect week and not have the scale reflect that perfection? That was it. I figured, what the heck? I might as well just not even try right now. So I didn't.
In an attempt to start over again, for the ridiculous amount of times, I am not going to weigh myself for the first month. I can't let the scale beat me. I have to just build on my good behavior. I can do that.
I might not quite have the fire under me yet. But I have to keep trudging along. If I can just bang this out in the next 3-4 months, I wont have to torment myself any longer. 3-4 months is such a short amount of time. Then, it's all about maintaining. Fighting to keep my weight the same. I've done that. It's the losing part that's a bitch. Shoot, did I just say that. It's the truth though.