Still Fat

Yesterday was the best day so far. It was a huge eye opener to count calories and to abstain from so much cheese. I for sure have to lose weight with my changes.

This afternoon when I was getting into the tub the scale whispered to me to get on. I almost did, backed away. Then jumped on, what could it hurt. Well, I'm still fat and the scale still sucks. I hate that I relented and weighed myself. So I didn't really put it under the sink. I will do that directly.

I hope to get some motivation from Biggest Loser. I wish the show were in the middle of the week.

breakfast:
3 turkey bacon slices(105)
1 egg, 1 egg white (70)
1 small bell pepper(10)
1/4 small onion(3)


snack:
2oz deli turkey(70)
1 medium apple, leaving some on my plate (32)


lunch:
salad(4)
lasagna stuffed bell pepper(300)


snack
protien shake(200)
1 slice of home made whole wheat bread (it was good too!!!)(25)

dinner:
sauteed bell pepper and onion(40)
1/2 cup left over roast


grand total of calories: 1029

Putting it Away

My official weigh-in is.... I'm down .5 lbs. It was a turbulent week. I've decided to put away the scale and bring it out only on Sunday mornings. I can't allow myself to have so many ups and downs, ups and downs. It is so hard emotionally for me. I know it's will be a challenge, but I hope I find it more rewarding and thus finding that I have more success.

My goals for this week are to cut out so much cheese (gosh, that's embarrassing to realize that I was eating too much of that dairy product), eat more veggies, eat a salad before lunch and dinner, get over my fear of eating too many veggies. I was going to cut out diet coke as well. But I need to take baby steps. I hope by making these changes that I will see a difference on the scale.

I wish that the numbers didn't mean so much to me. But it does. 5.5 lbs really isn't that much weight. No one can tell that I've lost anything, and my clothes are barely, barely, barely feeling any loser. But it's a start. And you have to start somewhere.

And my gosh, I'm going into my 4th week. My determination hasn't changed. My desire to change hasn't weakened. This is a huge victory for me.

I think it helped that I was able to drown my sorrow in my free day yesterday. I ate so much junk that I was sick, again. But it's what I needed. I needed that reminder of how I use to feel on a daily basis. Eating the right foods really does make a difference. I do feel better about myself, both physically and emotionally. It's worth the hard work, the effort, and the time to prepare.

breakfast:

3 slices turkey bacon (110)

1 egg, 1 egg white (100)

1/2 bell pepper, 1/2 onion sauteed (20) 230

snack:

1/2 cup cottage cheese (90)

1/4 cup fresh blackberries(15)

4almonds (24) 129

lunch:

1 cup lettuce (4)

1/4 apple (16)

1 TBL light ranch dressing(30)

1/2 red bell pepper sauteed (9)

1/4 onion sauteed(23)

1/2 cup left over roast (108)190

wow, looking at how many calories is in 1 cup of lettuce makes it sooooo much easier to indulge in a salad before lunch and dinner. 4 freaking calories in 1 cup? Hello, what in the world was I thinking?!!!!

snack:

soy puffs (120)

1/4 cup mandarin oranges(40)160

dinner:

1/2bell pepper(9)

1/2 cup cottage cheese(90)

3TBL cup motz cheese(70)

1cup salad(4)

1cup grilled broccoli and cauliflower(13)

1 TBL light ranch dressing (40)226

grand total of calories : 935 give or take

If I don't lose weight by counting these stinking calories and eliminating some of my mistakes from last week... I guess I'll just have to try something different. But seriously, how can you not lose weight by eating less, a lot less, and moving more? I hope I am pleasantly surprised.

More bumps in the road

So this morning despite my post yesterday, I stepped on the scale, and then again an hour later. Hoping by some miracle that it would have changed. But both times, the news was bad and worse. The scale told me that I haven't lost one stinking pound this week. NOT ONE!!!!! WHAT THE HECK!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!!!! To say the least, I am so disappointed today and very discouraged. I haven't jumped off the train yet. I almost did though. I went into the pantry and pulled out the chocolate chips and began to unwrap it. But I put it back. I am at that point where I'm ready to throw my hands up and give it all up. Really, what's the freaking point of it all. I do so good eating and exercising and NOTHING!!!! I have cut all the other crap out of my life for what? NOTHING!!!! I just think to myself that I am just not suppose to be thin. It's not in my cards, according to the stars, it's my fate to be fat. Is that really true though? I sure hope it's not. That's why I'm not going to give up so easily this time. I would like to. I would like to dive right into the chocolate chips that are waiting for me tomorrow.

I looked back at the absolute folder and realized a few things. I am probably eating way too much cheese. I guess I had been subsituting cheese for the chocolate. That's got to stop. I really need to cut out the diet coke as well. I also need to add more veggies. I should probably eat a salad before my meals. But that's a hurdle in its self that I have to over come. The fear of over eating. But a salad is all raw veggies which are mostly water and I can have as much of that as I want. Keep telling myself that. And of course, I probably shouldn't have eaten so much pork. But it's what I had. From now on I will make much better protein choices.

Losing weight is a tough. Losing weight is a huge emotional roller coaster. Losing weight is maddening. Losing weight is unfair. Losing weight sucks.

Such a tease

I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. It teases me constantly and several times a day. Yes, I know I'm not suppose to weigh myself everyday, let alone several times. I love it when I get on and the number has gone down, but hate it when I step on an hour or two later in the morning and the number has gone up. I need to resist the temptation to weigh everyday. But sometimes I think it helps me. Whether the number is up or down. When it goes down, I think yes, I'm making progress. At the same time, if the number is up or not where I want it to be I tell myself that I need to try harder. Let's be honest though, I guess the reality is that it is more discouraging to me then anything.

I don't want to set this goal, but I know it will help me. I will, starting next week, just step on the scale once a day, at the exact same time. I know I should only weigh in on Sunday mornings, but that would be to torturous for me.

Last night at book club Amy was kind enough to cater to my weaknesses that I was experiencing yesterday and ordered Smokehouse. It was divine!!! She warmed up some bread for the others but I didn't even give that loaf of steamy, buttery, soft goodness a second glance. I took seconds of the salad and a little more of the meat. For dessert, which I was planning on passing up too, Amy made this Swedish cream. But she tweaked the recipe and it only had like 2.5 carbs in it so I indulged. She topped it off with some fresh raspberries and blueberries. I piled more blueberries on top of mine. It was a very worthy low-fat, low-carb dessert. Kudos to Amy for that success. And she says she can't cook. Bologna.

Tick Tock

Like I mentioned in my last post, yesterday was really hard for me. I went to bed and didn't eat anything that I would regret today. I should count that as another small victory. But the emotions that are starting to surface are some that I have felt so often before. It's very frustrating. Due to my hunger and frustration Monster Mom came out and I spent most of the time yelling at the kids. I knew it was just a matter of time before I started to feel this way again. I don't want them. But how do I overcome these thoughts and feelings in a healthy way? How do I overcome my urge to splurge? I really would love to go for a walk or jog. But the air quality here is the worst in the nation and they highly recommend everyone stay in from the outdoors.
That sucks.

I think what this comes down to is prayer. Those moments that I experience my weakness is when I need to find a quiet spot and plead for more strength, more help, more power.

A friend of mine said something to me several months ago that struck me strongly. She said that being good for one day isn't enough. You have to be good for 100 days before you achieve your goal. If I could just stick to this journey it would only take me about 3,4 maybe 5 months at the most to lose what I desire. In the scheme of things, that's nothing. It's just the daily battles that make it difficult.

I had a few light bulb moments during a conversation this morning. I realized that I might have information overload. I don't want to eat the wrong things, or too much of a good thing, or too often, I'm simply afraid of over eating. But by evening I am starving. In the past I didn't put two and two together. Instead of figuring out what my problem was I would quietly slip from myself and indulge in the chocolate or what ever. Now I have a better understanding of what is going on in my brain. When I'm hungry I need to eat. I need to stop this internal battle that I'm having with myself. So I am going to make a list of all the items that I can eat. So when those urges come I can turn to the list. Hopefully this list will give me the permission to not feel guilty. I would so much rather eat more of the good stuff, then fail(once again) and indulge in something that is going to put me in a tail spin down down down until I crash and burn.

breakfast:
turkey bacon and eggs
1/2 manderine oranges

snack:
Protein shake made with water
1.5 servings of raw nuts and raisans

lunch:
bell pepper strips, cheese wrapped in deli chicken.
diet coke

snack:
protein bar

dinner:
smokehouse salad with pulled pork.

The difference between the past and present is in my attitude. Before I would enter this weight loss journey resolved to fail. It was the inevitable. This time I'm resolved to succeed. I no longer want to disappoint myself. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and overweight. Enough is enough. Now is my time to change. I have to power. And I WILL have 100 good days.

Another Loser

Last night, once again, I plopped myself down on the couch to watch The Biggest Loser. I sat down with Crystal Light and a few almonds, you know, to help curb that stupid sweet tooth thing. Normally when I would watch this show I would get discouraged and saddened that I was in my current state. And instead of being inspired, I would go to the freezer, scoop out a big bowl of ice cream and change the channel. Not tonight. I ate a few almonds and set them aside. I was once again inspired by the people on this show. By their determination and desire to lose weight and change their lives. It reminds me that I too, am ready for change. It also helps to remind me that I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose, just 10 here and 10 there. Which is so much more less intimidating.





Breakfast:
Bacon and Eggs
1/2 cup manderine oranges



snack:
protein bar



lunch:
sliced bell pepper, slices of cheese wrapped in deli chicken. DELICIOUS!!!

snack:

3 Tbl mixed raw nuts consisting of almonds, cashews, sunflower and pumpkin seeds.

1oz cheese

1/2 apple

Snack:

1/2 protein bar

dinner:

italian stuffed bell pepper. this was a wonderful subsitute to lasagna. I didn't miss the noodles at all. In fact, I could eat this for dinner any night of the week.

snack:

1/2 proteing bar.

This afternoon has been very difficult for me. I have been hungry since 3pm. All I want to eat is something sweet and salty. Bad news. I know I am stronger then these cravings (I hope). I keep telling myself that my desire to lose weight is stronger then my craving for the fat snacks. The fat snacks got me into my chubiness in the first place. This day is almost over.

No Wonder

I was having a conversation today that was very helpful to me. I was expressing my extreme desire to be successful. I also confessed my fear of eating too much. I have no desire to touch white bread, rice, pasta, or potatoes. I feel very lucky to not crave any of these items. Although last week I did indulge in my home made whole wheat bread. It is very nutritious. But it is still a carb. That is why this week I set a goal of just eating salads. Not just salads. I also realized that I am still having a hard time kicking the sweet tooth after lunch and dinner. I had been popping these sugar free life saver type thingies. When I came home I read the packaging and discovered that there are 14 grams of carbs in one serving!!! Hello, no wonder my weight loss was so low this past week. I eat like 3 or 4 or more of those a day. Just to help with those stupid sweet cravings.



Amy told me that if I can just forgo eating anything after lunch and dinner for the next 3 days that those cravings will disapear. That's what she experienced. So, I am following her advice. If it fails to work, I am going to kick her trash.



Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this is one of those bad habits that has been so hard to overcome.



One habit that I am proud to say that I have just about mastered is the eating in the evening. Last week, I didn't eat anything after dinner. I eat dinner between 5 and 6pm every day. That is a small victory for me. That is one of the reasons for my disappointment in losing just 1.5lbs this last week. I have been doing so many good things to result in such small numbers.



I hope now, that my eyes have been opened one more time to some mistakes that I've been making, that I will have bigger success this week. If I don't, I still need to push forward. I am slowly changing my life for the better.





Breakfast:
2 slices of turkey bacon, 1 egg, 1/2 cup manderine oranges



snack:
2 oz cheese
@ 12 almonds



lunch:
half a large salad with chicken, salsa, cheese
diet coke



snack:
the rest of the salad from lunch

dinner:
red bell pepper strips wrapped in thinly sliced provolone cheese and deli turkey. Yum!!!