Instead of throwing Grace into the stroller and going for a walk/jog, I decided to throw Grace outback and do some garden work. I figure I could work up a sweat and burn some calories while making my back yard beautiful. Is it possible to get a good cardio work-out doing yard work? I am always so sore when I pull weeds, or when I try to prove to the tiller that I am stronger, or when I try to mow the jungle that is my back lawn. Yes, I probably should be out pounding the pavement. But I think I'll take advantage of the beautiful mild weather we are having and do some gardening.
breakfast:
oatmeal and bacon (180)
now that I have the calories down for breakfast. I need to do better at breaking down the calories for my other meals.
lunch:
1/2 cup pasta salad (200)
1/2 pbj sandwich on high fiber bread (180)
snack:
trail mix(160)
coke zero, I know I told myself I wasn't going to drink this. But it's hard being a Mom and Dad at the same time. This helps me get through.
dinner:
mango, avacado salsa (160)
13 chips (140)
1/4 cup refried beans (60)
after dinner/ after stress snack(be prepared):
slice whole wheat bread with pbj (180)
1/4 cup ice cream (150)
2 red vines (105)
total calories: 1355
calories burned:401 calories burned, according to the calorie counter at neversaydiet.com
Have I mentioned that I eat to comfort myself? Well now is the time to bring that to the surface. This is a habit that I have formed clear back in Junior High. I haven't been able to figure it out. I know that I should have turned to this computer and write out my feelings. But the pull to the freezer was too strong. I should have thrown that ice cream out on Monday. Gosh Dang It. Sometimes I think I let myself get too stressed out by my children. But then again, I have been doing the evening by myself during the week for 6 WEEKS. I think it just got to me. I was done talking with Brent on the phone, wishing he were here. I felt a little abandoned. Although I know that statement is not true. Brent would so much rather be here then there. I guess I should be done with my pity party.
I didn't do any other exercise except for the garden today. Sigh. I probably didn't burn enough calories to make up for my stress. I will strive to write my feelings down next time instead of turning to the food. Because I don't feel better afterwards. I feel worse. There's no use crying over spilled milk, or over ice cream. I will make better choices this weekend. I have to. I have to, I have to, I have to.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
5k Re-cap
After re-reading two posts ago I realized that I made my first 5k sound like I walked. Which I did, but only for about 2 minutes. I did in fact jog the rest of the time. I say jog, because what I did that day was nothing compared to a run. For documentation, I ran that stinking race in, hold your breath, 38 minutes. Slow as snails. I know. Now I have a great starting point with lots of room for improvement.
My next race will be the Art City Days in Springville, June 6th.
My next race will be the Art City Days in Springville, June 6th.
Maniac
I decided it was time for me to step on the scale again. Again, it's that love hate relationship. As I stepped on I saw that I had gained .5lbs but was still under the 180's. Now I am fighting to keep myself below the 180's. I don't want to see those retched numbers blinkred at me ever again. Something sparked in me as I stepped off. I have that tightening in my chest that screams " you have the power and determination to keep going." And I do.
I also realized how exercise is key to my success. When I was losing weight I was exercising twice a day. I was a maniac when it came to exercise. I had to get in cardio once every day and an extra 3x a week. That is just how my body is. It's a good thing I enjoy exercise. So now I have to go back to being the maniac. I MUST exercise twice a day.
breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal (180)
3 slices bacon(100)
snack:
5 almonds
lunch:
4 inch sensuous sandwich
bite of cookie (gosh dang it)
two bites frozen yogurt(gosh dang it again)
At least I didn't have eat half of the cookie. And it least I didn't eat the whole portion of fro-yo. I did exhibit some sort of restraint. Thumbs up for that.
Now I am going to go out into the yard and start taking it back. Start moving dirt, start making my yard look pretty and not so white trash.
snack:
Chocolate Protein Shake
dinner:
1/2 slice pizza, it was small
1 cup pasta salad
5 french fries
Can you tell I had a super busy night? I pretty much played chauffer between 3 ball games. Didn't have time to put my healthy ball cap on. I'm glad I didn't indulge in an entire piece of pizza. Yikes.
Although today was not, by any means, a perfect day, I felt good about it. I worked hard in the yard. I worked out with Melissa. Working in the yard kept my mind off of so many things. It helped me focus on what is good in my life right now. It helped me make good eating choices. I love being active.
breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal (180)
3 slices bacon(100)
snack:
5 almonds
lunch:
4 inch sensuous sandwich
bite of cookie (gosh dang it)
two bites frozen yogurt(gosh dang it again)
At least I didn't have eat half of the cookie. And it least I didn't eat the whole portion of fro-yo. I did exhibit some sort of restraint. Thumbs up for that.
Now I am going to go out into the yard and start taking it back. Start moving dirt, start making my yard look pretty and not so white trash.
snack:
Chocolate Protein Shake
dinner:
1/2 slice pizza, it was small
1 cup pasta salad
5 french fries
Can you tell I had a super busy night? I pretty much played chauffer between 3 ball games. Didn't have time to put my healthy ball cap on. I'm glad I didn't indulge in an entire piece of pizza. Yikes.
Although today was not, by any means, a perfect day, I felt good about it. I worked hard in the yard. I worked out with Melissa. Working in the yard kept my mind off of so many things. It helped me focus on what is good in my life right now. It helped me make good eating choices. I love being active.
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Frist 5k
This past Saturday I ran my first of 5, 5k's. If you remember I made a goal to run a 5k every month for the next 5 months. I almost didn't run it, but the fear of failure ran so strong through my veins that I disregarded everything else and got myself to the race. Julie Olson gave me her spot, thanks a million!! And Liz Reynolds ran the race with me. It was so great to see her and to have someone who runs at my pace and who is willing to walk with me. Yes, I did end up walking. But I knew that I would. I haven't been training at all. In fact I hadn't ran in over 2 weeks. And boy did I feel it. Not even a mile into the race I must have pulled something in my hip. I sound so geriatric right now. I also knew that this race would be a great starting point. I have so much to improve upon.
I am still in my fight to be fit. The past 5 weeks have been the toughest yet. Even though I am the lightest I have been in over 4 yrs I still have so much more improvement. I feel like I am sounding like a broken record. But I am not done losing weight. At the same time I am fighting feelings of failure and contentment. I am not content with where I am right now. I wonder how in the world people go for months and months and months and still manage to lose weight. Yes, it comes down to a lifestyle change. Again, the broken record. This diet gig is not a means to an end. Although I think that is where I am failing. This isn't a means to an end. This is a lifestyle change. Why can't I get it through my habit filled head that I need to make permanent changes if I am going to truly change my life.
I have renewed vigor today. Even though it was a holiday I think I did pretty darn good. Dinner was rough going for me. But I did pass on the bun for my burger and had only one serving of my awesome pasta salad. I did indulge in a brownie and a few bites of ice cream. Gosh dang it. Where is the will power? As I write these thoughts down feelings of disgust and discouragement creep into my mind. Disgust with the weak person that I am and discourages that I will never reach my goal.
One of the reasons for me blogging again is to get me back on track. To keep my feelings and emotions in check. To keep a food log and all that I put into my mouth in check.
I can't get over the fact that this is a fight. A fight for my life. A fight for happiness. A fight to be the person that I know is hiding inside of me. A fight to find the power that is laying dorment inside of me. A little bit of it surfaced in the beginning of this year. How do I get that power back? How do I get the drive, the determination back into my life? I am so not done with my journey.
Do I want to lose weight more then anything else in my life right now? Maybe that's the problem. There are other things that are weighing heavy on my mind that are preventing me from keeping my focus. Is it possible to battle more then one demon in your life at a time? My battle with my weight is something that I have more control over, the other, not so much. There in lies my answer then right? I do have more control over myself, my struggle. Because it's my struggle, not my husbands, or my children's, it's mine, and mine alone. So even though I might not be able to battle both of these problems at once, I will focus on the one thing that I do have control over, and that's me.
I do want this more then anything. I will prove it to myself that I still have the power. This computer will be the closest thing to me in the coming month. It's vital that I write how I'm feeling rather then turning to old habits.
breakfast:
oatmeal
3 slices bacon
snack:
chocolate, pb, banana protien shake
lunch:
3/4 of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread
1 slice of an apple
diet coke
snack:
protien bar
dinner:
hamberger patty
1 cup pasta salad
1/2 pork and beans
brownie and few spoonfuls of ice cream
to help keep myself in check I am going to stick to one thing for breakfast and one thing for lunch. this week it's going to be oatmeal for breakfast and turkey and bell pepper sandwiches for lunch. dinner is up in the air.
I am also going to let go of diet coke. This past week I did awesome. I had one diet coke with lunch, some today and a few diet root beers on Saturday. Okay, it was more then just a few. But the week went really well. I know that I can do it without the diet coke. I usually never lose weight when I give up on the diet coke. But I know that it is the healthier choice for me and will help with my running goals.
I am going to keep track of my calories in and calories out. I have to stay ontop of myself for me to be a success. Hence this novel that I am attempting to write right now.
I am still in my fight to be fit. The past 5 weeks have been the toughest yet. Even though I am the lightest I have been in over 4 yrs I still have so much more improvement. I feel like I am sounding like a broken record. But I am not done losing weight. At the same time I am fighting feelings of failure and contentment. I am not content with where I am right now. I wonder how in the world people go for months and months and months and still manage to lose weight. Yes, it comes down to a lifestyle change. Again, the broken record. This diet gig is not a means to an end. Although I think that is where I am failing. This isn't a means to an end. This is a lifestyle change. Why can't I get it through my habit filled head that I need to make permanent changes if I am going to truly change my life.
I have renewed vigor today. Even though it was a holiday I think I did pretty darn good. Dinner was rough going for me. But I did pass on the bun for my burger and had only one serving of my awesome pasta salad. I did indulge in a brownie and a few bites of ice cream. Gosh dang it. Where is the will power? As I write these thoughts down feelings of disgust and discouragement creep into my mind. Disgust with the weak person that I am and discourages that I will never reach my goal.
One of the reasons for me blogging again is to get me back on track. To keep my feelings and emotions in check. To keep a food log and all that I put into my mouth in check.
I can't get over the fact that this is a fight. A fight for my life. A fight for happiness. A fight to be the person that I know is hiding inside of me. A fight to find the power that is laying dorment inside of me. A little bit of it surfaced in the beginning of this year. How do I get that power back? How do I get the drive, the determination back into my life? I am so not done with my journey.
Do I want to lose weight more then anything else in my life right now? Maybe that's the problem. There are other things that are weighing heavy on my mind that are preventing me from keeping my focus. Is it possible to battle more then one demon in your life at a time? My battle with my weight is something that I have more control over, the other, not so much. There in lies my answer then right? I do have more control over myself, my struggle. Because it's my struggle, not my husbands, or my children's, it's mine, and mine alone. So even though I might not be able to battle both of these problems at once, I will focus on the one thing that I do have control over, and that's me.
I do want this more then anything. I will prove it to myself that I still have the power. This computer will be the closest thing to me in the coming month. It's vital that I write how I'm feeling rather then turning to old habits.
breakfast:
oatmeal
3 slices bacon
snack:
chocolate, pb, banana protien shake
lunch:
3/4 of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread
1 slice of an apple
diet coke
snack:
protien bar
dinner:
hamberger patty
1 cup pasta salad
1/2 pork and beans
brownie and few spoonfuls of ice cream
to help keep myself in check I am going to stick to one thing for breakfast and one thing for lunch. this week it's going to be oatmeal for breakfast and turkey and bell pepper sandwiches for lunch. dinner is up in the air.
I am also going to let go of diet coke. This past week I did awesome. I had one diet coke with lunch, some today and a few diet root beers on Saturday. Okay, it was more then just a few. But the week went really well. I know that I can do it without the diet coke. I usually never lose weight when I give up on the diet coke. But I know that it is the healthier choice for me and will help with my running goals.
I am going to keep track of my calories in and calories out. I have to stay ontop of myself for me to be a success. Hence this novel that I am attempting to write right now.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Survival
Today started out GREAT. I worked out for an hour with one of my Biggest Loser DVD's. A whole hour. I am taking my own advice and trying to push myself. I'm going to have to if I am really serious about losing weight.
My eating was pretty well managed today. I just lost it a little at Target for a Girl's night out with my daughters and sister and mom. I needed a cookie. So I bought two big ones and shared them with everyone.
I really wanted some ice cream this evening as well. I almost bought some while at Target. But I knew I was coming home to watch the finale of the Biggest Loser and what a loser I would be if I were to eat ice cream the very last episode. I stayed strong and didn't eat one thing. I almost poured myself some cereal, but said no to that too. I didn't want to feel the guilt that even a bowl of cereal would have given me after indulging with the cookies.
I think it was a good day. Not a perfect day. But a good day.
breakfast:
3 slices of turkey bacon
slice of cantelope
snack:
didn't have time
lunch:
hamburger patty
sauted spniach
slice of cantelope
snack:
a few ritz crackers
small bowl of spoon size shredded wheat
dinner:
1 cup of spinach italian pasta salad.
It's all about the portion control, right?
snack:
diet coke
several bites of cookie
handful of popcorn
My eating was pretty well managed today. I just lost it a little at Target for a Girl's night out with my daughters and sister and mom. I needed a cookie. So I bought two big ones and shared them with everyone.
I really wanted some ice cream this evening as well. I almost bought some while at Target. But I knew I was coming home to watch the finale of the Biggest Loser and what a loser I would be if I were to eat ice cream the very last episode. I stayed strong and didn't eat one thing. I almost poured myself some cereal, but said no to that too. I didn't want to feel the guilt that even a bowl of cereal would have given me after indulging with the cookies.
I think it was a good day. Not a perfect day. But a good day.
breakfast:
3 slices of turkey bacon
slice of cantelope
snack:
didn't have time
lunch:
hamburger patty
sauted spniach
slice of cantelope
snack:
a few ritz crackers
small bowl of spoon size shredded wheat
dinner:
1 cup of spinach italian pasta salad.
It's all about the portion control, right?
snack:
diet coke
several bites of cookie
handful of popcorn
Monday, May 11, 2009
Blah blah blah, blech
I have another challenging week ahead of me. My sister is in town, whom I absolutely adore. Her presence means many adventures to knew foodie places. Which I adore as well. But not so much when your trying to lose weight. I know that there has to be a strategies that works for this type of challenge. I tried one in VA and that didn't work so much. This time I decided that I will just order and appetizer and have it served with the other meals. Which, today worked out pretty good. If it hadn't been for the amazing salsa bar it would have been a brilliant day. Damn that salsa bar.
Another thing rolling around in my head is : How do people keep up losing weight? I mean, really. I feel like I've been in a funk for a few months now. Yes, yes, yes, you've heard it before. I'm not ready to give up. And I'm not. It's just finding the motivation to keep going.
For me, right now, it's having my husband gone that is the hardest. It's thrown off my routine and I am having a difficult time finding a new one. Probably because I know in the back of my mind when my husband finally makes it home permanently that that routine with be disrupted as well. So I am in limbo right now.
Struggling to find a good exercise routine, and trying to keep my head above to amazing foodie adventure with my sister.
I know that I will get my routine back. And I guess this is just another of those battles that I have to fight. I will always come across weeks like this.
I am trying my best and that's all I can ask for. Although this evening I didn't give it my best. My food log will explain why.
breakfast:
protein bar
a few quaker quake carmel bites
lunch:
a pulled chicken, papaya, carmalized onion and roasted pepper quesadilla with an amazing salsa bar and chips.
I did not eat the beans and rice that came with the meal. Fed that to the kids.
snack:
none, still too full from lunch
dinner:
an apple with peanut butter
snack:
shared an ice cream cone with Grace
late evening snack:
a left over hamburger patty and some dry cold cereal.
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
Today was not the day of a dieter. But I'm not a dieter. I'm someone trying to change my decision making about food. Blech. If I were to give myself a grade on my effort today it would have been an F. Okay, maybe a D. Hello, ice cream? Really, where is the self control?
There is still so much changing that needs to take place in my mediocre life.
Another thing rolling around in my head is : How do people keep up losing weight? I mean, really. I feel like I've been in a funk for a few months now. Yes, yes, yes, you've heard it before. I'm not ready to give up. And I'm not. It's just finding the motivation to keep going.
For me, right now, it's having my husband gone that is the hardest. It's thrown off my routine and I am having a difficult time finding a new one. Probably because I know in the back of my mind when my husband finally makes it home permanently that that routine with be disrupted as well. So I am in limbo right now.
Struggling to find a good exercise routine, and trying to keep my head above to amazing foodie adventure with my sister.
I know that I will get my routine back. And I guess this is just another of those battles that I have to fight. I will always come across weeks like this.
I am trying my best and that's all I can ask for. Although this evening I didn't give it my best. My food log will explain why.
breakfast:
protein bar
a few quaker quake carmel bites
lunch:
a pulled chicken, papaya, carmalized onion and roasted pepper quesadilla with an amazing salsa bar and chips.
I did not eat the beans and rice that came with the meal. Fed that to the kids.
snack:
none, still too full from lunch
dinner:
an apple with peanut butter
snack:
shared an ice cream cone with Grace
late evening snack:
a left over hamburger patty and some dry cold cereal.
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
Today was not the day of a dieter. But I'm not a dieter. I'm someone trying to change my decision making about food. Blech. If I were to give myself a grade on my effort today it would have been an F. Okay, maybe a D. Hello, ice cream? Really, where is the self control?
There is still so much changing that needs to take place in my mediocre life.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Where has the time gone?
I hadn't realized that I have been neglecting my blog for so long. I haven't been neglecting myself as much. It has been a struggle with my husband gone during the week and then home on the weekend for just a few nano seconds. That's how fast the time flies by when you only see your sweet husband on the weekends.
A lot has been stewing in my mind and I need to share my thoughts.
First off I've realized that not much change happens within a person, both physically and spiritually, without challenges. My body will not physically change unless I push it to the limits with cardio, weight lifting, and eating. It will stay the same unless I run a little faster, lift a heavier weight or cut back on calories. Simple as that. Or so it would seem. They don't call challenges, challenges for nothing. It's not easy to push yourself past your comfort zone. I don't consider it fun when I am lifting weights with Melissa and want to cry during a set. I scream in agony and think to myself, "What the hell am I doing?" I'm pushing myelf past my limits and I am seeing a difference. I would see greater change if I would push my eating habits to the limits as well. Yes, I am still losing weight, but slowly. Like snails pace slow.
I am STRUGGLING to the max on the weekends. And I mean my weekends start on Thursday night. This might be due to the husband being gone and my evil habit of turning to food for comfort rears it's ugly head. Yikes. That's a revelation. Again, right? How many times to we have to fail before we don't fail anymore?
About a month ago I decided to challenge myself with a goal. I am really excited about this goal as well. I am going to run a 5k every month for the next 5 months. May through September. I am thrilled with this goal. Each race will be a small goal for me to set. Run a little faster. Eat a little better. In the past running has been key to my losing weight. KEY. So what better way to keep me on my journey then running 5k's. My first one is May 23. I am by no means a fast runner. What matters is that I have the determination to actually run in a race and challenge myself.
I haven't gained or lost any weight this week. I'm just thrilled that the scale reads 177.5. Gag, I just divulged how much I weigh. Oh well, it's just a number, right? I was flipping through an old food and exercise journal of mine and on May 11, 2006 I was this exact weight. Again, I am on the precipise of change. Exciting and scary all at the same time. I am affraid to be stuck at this weight and not lose any more weight. And more then that, I'm affraid of gaining weight back. But when I write those words, I know that it isn't true. I'm stronger more determined this time. So the weight will keep coming off. I need to get back into the habit of logging my eating. I've noticed I don't do as well when I don't write it down. It's keeps me in check.
A lot happens in a week.
A lot has been stewing in my mind and I need to share my thoughts.
First off I've realized that not much change happens within a person, both physically and spiritually, without challenges. My body will not physically change unless I push it to the limits with cardio, weight lifting, and eating. It will stay the same unless I run a little faster, lift a heavier weight or cut back on calories. Simple as that. Or so it would seem. They don't call challenges, challenges for nothing. It's not easy to push yourself past your comfort zone. I don't consider it fun when I am lifting weights with Melissa and want to cry during a set. I scream in agony and think to myself, "What the hell am I doing?" I'm pushing myelf past my limits and I am seeing a difference. I would see greater change if I would push my eating habits to the limits as well. Yes, I am still losing weight, but slowly. Like snails pace slow.
I am STRUGGLING to the max on the weekends. And I mean my weekends start on Thursday night. This might be due to the husband being gone and my evil habit of turning to food for comfort rears it's ugly head. Yikes. That's a revelation. Again, right? How many times to we have to fail before we don't fail anymore?
About a month ago I decided to challenge myself with a goal. I am really excited about this goal as well. I am going to run a 5k every month for the next 5 months. May through September. I am thrilled with this goal. Each race will be a small goal for me to set. Run a little faster. Eat a little better. In the past running has been key to my losing weight. KEY. So what better way to keep me on my journey then running 5k's. My first one is May 23. I am by no means a fast runner. What matters is that I have the determination to actually run in a race and challenge myself.
I haven't gained or lost any weight this week. I'm just thrilled that the scale reads 177.5. Gag, I just divulged how much I weigh. Oh well, it's just a number, right? I was flipping through an old food and exercise journal of mine and on May 11, 2006 I was this exact weight. Again, I am on the precipise of change. Exciting and scary all at the same time. I am affraid to be stuck at this weight and not lose any more weight. And more then that, I'm affraid of gaining weight back. But when I write those words, I know that it isn't true. I'm stronger more determined this time. So the weight will keep coming off. I need to get back into the habit of logging my eating. I've noticed I don't do as well when I don't write it down. It's keeps me in check.
A lot happens in a week.
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