Who am I?

Thanks to Denise, I read the most wonderful article in this Month's Ensign. It is the topic that I have been struggling with the past few days. But didn't realize it. I have been asking myself a series of questions. The most difficult one for me to answer is, Who am I? I don't think I've ever truly known the answer to that question. In this article titled Your Divine Heritage several quotes popped out to me. The first being, " You owe it to yourself to make an extra effort to discover, in every detail possible, who you really are-- to discover your eternal potential in God's plan." Wow, I owe it to myself to find out who I really am. But he goes on and gives us a great promise if we do diligently strive to find ourselves, he says this, " This getting-to-know-yourself process is important because it enables you to do more with our life. It permits you to come closer to realizing your full potential. It lets you build on and use your strengths, your gifts, and your talents to carry out your purpose in God's plan. (this part I love) It helps you overcome your weaknesses and avoid your vulnerabilities." Double WOW!!! But how to even begin to discover who I am? I don't even know where to start. I do know. I've already begun the prayer process. I've re-read my patriarchal blessing.
This all started out as a journey to lose weight. Now it has turned into something bigger. It has turned into a journey of discovery. Discovering who I really am in the eyes of God. Discovering what my talents are. Discovering what my spiritual gifts are. This is not going to be easy for me. But in order for me to be truly happy, this journey needs to take place.

My own Imaginings

I approached Brent this evening about being attractive. He acted just the way I thought he was going to. With the roll of his eyes, and the shake of his head, " Of course I find you attractive." Then he said something that was so profound he said, " No one has ever said or done anything to make you feel this way." Which is the TRUTH. I have done this to myself. I am the only one that beats myself up over the way I look. I have amazing friends and family who tell me everyday what a wonderful person I am. When I walk into a room Brent greets me with a " Hey Sexy". So why am I having such a hard time accepting the fact that I am a good person. That I am beautiful, overweight, but still beautiful. This extra weight doesn't define who I am. I am still the same person I am on the inside, no matter what the outside currently looks like.
So who am I really? I am a daughter of God who loves me. I am a wife that is loved by her devoted husband. I am a mother that is loved unconditionally by her children, who look past my weaknesses. I am a person who loves to be a good friend.

Blog or Journal

So is this blog turning into a personal journal? Either way it is helping me to get out of the kitchen and really process my thoughts. Maybe I should just stick to blogging about my weight and journal the super personal things. And blog when the intertwine.
As I have re-read these blog entries I feel as though I am a very insecure person. I don't want to be insecure. I want to be a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and what she will and will not stand for. I am going to continue to mull this over and really think about who I am, what I want, etc.

Stunned

I think I had a break through today. Many specialist say that if you are over weight there is something in your life that you just haven't faced. In talking with a friend today I answered a series of questions. The first one being Why do I want to lose weight. I want to lose weight because I want to be thin. Why do you want to be thin? Because I want to feel attractive. Why do you want to feel attractive? I want my husband to find me attractive. But I'm afraid that even if I do become thin, he still wont find me attractive. WHOA!!!! For me that is heavy, and the first time I owned up to those feelings and thoughts. But this is only my "truth", which really is un-truth. A lie that I keep telling myself. I need to confront this head on and have a talk with Brent right away. I'm sure this is not how he feels. This is my insecurity ( this blog just got super personal).
Something that I have personally struggled with almost my whole married life. Some how I feel better. Writing all this down makes me realize how ridiculous this sounds. Almost. They are my feelings. I'm just glad I claimed them as mine, and now maybe I can move forward.
Having just had a baby doesn't help the situation either.

Ready?

I want to start setting some goals for myself. But I'm not sure that I am really ready for that. Maybe that is a sign that I need to set those goals for myself to push myself forward.
I think I'll wait till my meeting on Thursday. That way I'll have a more clear idea of how to approach food. Right now, my brain is fried.

Realization

Yesterday I was talking with a friend at church and I had an ah-ha moment. I told her that was going to start eating well and exercising on Monday. As I was telling her all this I realized that I am scared!! I am scared to fail. I have failed so many times in the past, as I mentioned in my last post. I am so scared of failing that I have butterflies in my stomach.
Later that day I as I thought more about why I am scared, I realized that this is the first time that I am getting professional help for my weight problem. And the reason I think I am so scared is this: What if I still can't lose weight with someone's professional help. What a bigger failure I will be.
I am having a hard time letting go of the food. It's like I will be taking something away from myself. Then I thought a lot about what Denise said in response to my last post. I need to fill my emptiness with something more important, and bigger then I am. That something would be my Savior and Heavenly Father. Before I became pregnant with Grace I realized this. I new that my personal relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father was just barely there. Another of my personal insecurities comes through: I have little faith in prayer. I feel as though my problems are too insignificant to bother my H.F. with. But doesn't He love all of his children? Doesn't He want us to go to him with our personal struggles? This is a major struggle for me. Why wouldn't he want to hear about it and put me on a path to overcome it? I just need to take that step forward with more faith then I've ever had before and put my trust in Him and in prayer.

A New Lifestyle

Well, I'm gearing myself up to start my new Lifestyle on Monday. I'm not going to call it dieting because I truly want to change how I eat and incorporate food into my life. I hope I can be successful at this. I am so into cooking that you'd think that I would be able to incorporate my passion into a healthy habit. I'm sure there is amazing food out there that is not only healthy, but taste good too.
I am first going to start exercising. I'm crossing my fingers today that Brent gets my tire for the double-jogger. I am thrilled to get out and start walking again. The weather should cooperate for me. I am also planning on going over to Melissa's and Tuesdays and Thursdays for weight lifting and other workouts. I am so ready to get rid of my back fat, and muffin top. The working out part isn't the hard part for me. I LOVE to EXERCISE!!!! The hard part is going to be the food. I really need to start understanding why I put things in my mouth. Like yesterday, I had secretly hid a small bag of candy and pulled it out when i was alone. I wasn't hungry by any means. But I wanted the chocolate. And to be honest, it didn't really taste that great. So why did I do it? Did I do it because I know I am going to deny myself of that this coming Monday? Should I really be denying myself of sweets? I have only failed at that attempt in the past. Wouldn't it be alright to have a small piece of chocolate after lunch and dinner? Moderation in all things right? Or do I take it completely out of my life for the next couple of month? That approach screams FAILURE to me. I don't want to be a failure once again. I don't want to beat myself up over this any longer.
I'll just be going it alone until April 3rd. April 3rd I have an appointment with a weightloss clinic. I am super excited to be going. It is a little expensive, but my life is worth it!!! Understanding food more and how it works with my body is so worth the cost. I am DONE beating myself up over and abusing food. I am ready to take charge.