Sleep Wins

This past week I have felt more exhausted then ever before. Getting up at 4:45am to get to the gym by 5am has been killer for me. On top of that I'm still getting extremely sore when I lift weights with Melissa. Seriously, when will the soreness ever not haunt me? I know the soreness that I feel is a good sore, it means my body is changing. But being that sore and that exhausted on top of feelings of giving up were not a good combo this week. I opted to sleep on Wednesday morning and also this morning. I felt as if my body deserved a little break.

Thoughts of exercising too much also started to creep into my head. Is it possible to exercise too much? Monday I worked out for 90 minutes, Tuesday = 3 hours, Wed = 2 hours, Thursday = 2 hours and 30 minutes. I have yet to work out today, Friday(I will be going for a run this afternoon). Then I step on the scale and find that I've lost 1.1lbs. Holy Crap. Another loss. Even with me still struggling with my eating and being so tired I managed to have a successful week. So, No, I don't think I can exercise too much. My exercise is making up for mistakes in eating.

I am more determined then ever to be better for the next 2 weeks. We will be going to Disneyland and I want to do better then I've done so far. I need to stock my fridge with cut veggies. I need get a fat-free dip to dip them into. I need to make sure I have fruit to snack on and lots of lettuce to make myself salads in the evenings. I can't believe that I lost weight again. I'm sure the loss would have been greater if I had just been better with my nutrition. That's all behind me now. I keep saying that week after week after blessed week. One thought that I had this past week and I'm going to make it my new mantra is this:

Food will always be there. And so will my weight if I don't stop treating food like it's my last day on earth.

Food will ALWAYS be there, waiting for me. Waiting, waiting, waiting. But I'm going to still keep this extra weight on me if I keep eating, eating, eating. I've got to be somewhat strict with myself just through the end of May so I can't lose this weight. Then I can eat like a regular person, work out hard, and maintain.

2 months are almost up and I've only lost 5lbs. , maybe. What the heck? I can feel it though. My body wants this, it wants to change. It's just testing me to see if what I'm doing is for real. If I'm truly serious about this new exercise and nutrition gig. Well, it is for real. And I mean business!!!

I also tried on my Friday pants and they are beginning to fit much better. Stil a little snug. But I'm finally starting to see some results.

A bright light bulb moment

Over the weekend I had a beautiful conversation with my Aunt Mel. We began talking about the struggles we've had with our weight. Those dang Edwards genes are so hard to fight. Aunt Mel told me about a time when she was diagnosed with Fibro Mialgia. She had been talking with a counselor. It sounded like, to this counselor, that Aunt Mel was mourning her previous self. The self that had the energy to get so much done when she would get home from work. I had never thought that you could mourn a previous self. I realized as I was talking with Mel that I have been mourning a previous me.

Before the twins were born I was so happy. I was getting thin, healthy, and content. Things were going my way and it was an incredible feeling. Then my world was flipped upside down by the realization of another pregnancy. One that I wasn't ready for and devastated by. I cried for the first few month. Then a double whammy, it was twins. I had no idea I was carrying twins until my 21 week ultrasound. Not only was my world flipped upside down, but inside out, twisted, tilted until it would never ever be the same again. I prepared myself for the worse. Having one baby was difficult enough, but what was two going to be like. My life was, and has never been the same.

I suppose I mourned, without knowing I was mourning, my previous self. As I reflect on the person I am today I can honestly say that I'm happy with the person that I have evolved into. My testimony of the Gospel is stronger and deeper. I've discovered that I can have my own voice in my marriage, and share it. The most important discovery is that I know my role on this Earth is to be a Mother. As challenging as it is for me, this is what I am to do.

Becoming a mother didn't happen the way I ever would have imagined. My weight has gone up and down with each of the births of my children. The last two have been the most difficult. But knowing that it's okay to mourn my former self has been very empowering. As long as I no longer dwell on it and move forward in a positive and motivating way. I still have a lot to go before I reach my goals. I truly feel as though a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I did a much better job with my nutrition today. I made conscience efforts to make the right choices. Sooner or later those choices are going to add up to big numbers. They have to.

Eavesdropping

Yesterday morning at the gym I overheard a conversation between two men. The one, who was the bigger of the two, was complaining how he wasn't losing weight. Then he told the other dude how he's more interested in the inches, but when he looks down at his gut that's when he feel overweight. HA! Even men have the same thoughts as women do! I find that so interesting. I feel the same way dude, when I look down at my gut I feel, for lack of a better word, fat. I giggled to myself as I walked away.

Despite my "horrible" week last week I still managed to lose 1lb. I think that is just insane. But I'm grateful that I am having success. I decided that I need to do a better job at writing down my feelings with a pen on paper. There is something so therapudic about that. I am also recording my long term goals, and my short term goals(my week to week goals).

My long term goal:
In 15 weeks I will lose 18lbs
In 15 weeks I will be a size 12
In 15 weeks I will have a healthy lifestyle that includes lots of veggies

My short term goal for this week:
Write everyday in my journal
Count calories
Drink at least 4 quart size mugs of water
Do not buy peppermint paddies when I go to the store. (just a small confession there.)

I've heard over and over that you must write your goals down if you want to attain them. Losing weight is a huge goal for me that I want to achieve. I am going to stick to my weekly goals this week. I need to be down more this week. I am more determined then ever to be successful.

Why?

Why is it that food has to be so good and desirable. I wish I had the self-discipline to refuse to eat when tempted, or hungry, or stressed, or hormonal. I like to blame this new go around of failures on hormones. I hate being on my period. I get bloated, sad, and want to eat like a cow! Or is this just another excuse for my bad eating habits. I guess it could be. But, I generally do much better during other times of the month. I'm just disappointed in myself for failing once again. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Goodness, weight loss is such an emotional roller coaster, it's simply maddening!! I've been trying to do the usual u-turn. I end up just going around in circles.

So I sit, trying to write through my thoughts and feelings. I want to be successful in my endeavor and I hate to revert back to such bad habits. I guess we are not with out our failings.

I've missed watching the Biggest Loser. There is always something said that is so empowering to me. This time it was this quote, "They realized their dream and worked to achieve it." My dream is to finally lose my last 20lbs. I am willing to stick to counting calories until my kids get out of school to reach my goal. I have to, I must, nothings going to get in my way. Yes, I will have set backs like yesterday and today. But tomorrow is a new day. I have a new determination and desire to continue down my path. Yes, it's going to be hard and tiring. But it's going to be so worth it in the end.

We all have bad days, and sometimes those days might pile up. But all is never lost. Thank goodness for forgiveness and the hope of a new day.

Friday Pants update week 4 & 5

I know I haven't been diligent in writing. I have been diligent in my journey to lose 20lbs. That 3rd week was such a rough week for me. But I didn't let it get me down. I did end up losing 1lb in my 4th week which didn't really have much effect on me. This last Thursday I stepped on the wii fit board and found out that I lost 2.2lbs. Holy Crap that was exciting!! And just the motivation I needed to keep on the path. Motivation is such a powerful thing. It really helped me this Friday and Saturday to do so much better with my eating. I realized that what I was doing was finally working and I didn't want to screw it all up. Plus, when I put on my Friday pants, they fit a little better. I took pictures of me again and compared them to the first week and there are definate changes going on. What encouragment.

I am surviving my birthday week. I haven't gone out of control. It's been easy to eat less and make better choices. Which is what I want to do permanently.

I hope for another good week with at least another pound down!!!

Still no change on the scale

I quickly stepped on the scale this morning at the gym. I was sad to see the same number but relieved that it didn't go up. At some point on this journey the scale has to go down. On a happier note I am noticing some changes in my body. My upper legs are getting more toned due to spin class, and I think my gut might be going down as well. I'm not giving up and I'm going to continue to get up at 4:45am to go to the gym. Losing weight causes me to be cranky. I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does. There's just no way around pain, exhaustion, and hunger pains. I wish there was, but I think it's just part of the process. Through it all I become so aware of my body, down to the tiniest of muscles. I just wish I could do it with the crank. I will just continue to pray for strength and energy. Pray for little miracles during the day.

Yesterday I rewarded myself with a york peppermint paddy. I really needed it and so I gave it to myself. I think that helped to not completely sabotage myself. I was careful the rest of the day and had an amazing dinner of pf chang chicken wraps. Home made of course. And they were truly AMAZING!!! I just turned it into a salad. I add zucchini to the mix and that added so much more nutrition to the meal. Yesterday morning I also made zucchini whole wheat waffles for the kids for breakfast. I even ate two squares because they were so healthy. It's been so much fun making my meals with a healthy twist. Finding ways to sneak in veggies into my kids diet has been fun and challenging too! I hope to make it a permanent strategy.

A note and kind words

This morning I was busy getting the kids breakfast. A lot of things go unnoticed sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life. As I went to clear a spot at the table I noticed my journal that I had written in last night had handwriting other then my own. I picked it up and it was a note from my husband expressing to me that I was awesome and that he loves me no matter what I look like. It was only a few short sentences but they spoke volumes. I don't think he'll ever understand how much those sentences mean to me. He doesn't write notes very often, twice a year maybe. Once on birthday and again on Mother's Day. So to me, this was big. It brought me to tears.

Encouragement is sometimes all we need to push us past our difficult moments. This morning I talked with the turbo-kick instructor and her encouragement and kind words were also very helpful. As are all the comments from my friends who read this blog. I couldn't keep going on this journey without you or your kind words of encouragement. Life is to short to go it alone. Thanks for being apart of mine.

The only meal I struggled with was dinner. I didn't have anything planned for me and a salad just sounded disgusting. So I had Top Ramen with everyone else, portion tiny with some canned green beans. I made sure not to eat anything after dinner. Other then that, it was a great eating day. I hope I can keep it up.