Empowerment.

Even though I'm not focusing wholly on weight loss, I can not let myself go. I can already feel my chubs returning around my mid-drift. My pants are a little tighter and my shirts aren't fitting like I like them. There is no way I'm going to put on my Friday pants cause I know exactly how they'll feel.

I have to do something.

I want to do something.

So what is it that I do?

Empower myself. I thought about Empowerment a lot yesterday. I remember how it felt to have control over food. Remember, I did lose 23lbs last year. It was an amazing feeling. It felt so good to be in control of my life. Yes, sometimes I gave into temptation. But who doesn't? I'm not asking myself to be perfect. I'm just asking for a little empowerment.

Food is just food. It's always going to be there. I know I've said that before. I guess I need reminding. My chubs will always be here too if I don't take control.

How do we find empowerment? It comes from deep down inside. And man, you have to dig deep. That's what I'm going to have to do, dig deep. I refuse to let myself gain weight while I focus on my kids. That is just defeating the purpose.

I have to have a plan to follow to be successful. I also feel like I have information overload, not know which plan to choose. I keep flling back to Body for Life. So simple, a portion of carb and a portion of protien with a veggie with lunch and dinner. Simple enough, and I can do that for the rest of my life.

It's getting rid of the junk that's going to be the hard part. But getting rid of that and saying no to that is what empowers me. And that's where you have to dig deep.

It's so funny to look back at the first 3 months of this year. I didn't think that what I was doing was workng. But as my clothes begin to feel tighter, I realize that it was working. I don't give myself enough credit. I need to keep plugging along and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. It just takes time, and I need to allow for that time.

Time and Empowerment. Digging Deep and sticking to a plan. That's my new strategy.

Sacrifices

Along the pathway of life we all make sacrifices. As I've been thinking about my current situation as a mother, there is more way then one that I sacrifice.

About a week ago I felt like I was in a tornado. There was so many good things that I want to do with my life right now. I still want to lose weight. In addition to that I still want to break my emotional eating, naturally eat healthy, improve my relationship with my children and become a positive disciplinarian. As I thought about all of those huge task, I felt overwhelmed and discouraged!

As I knelt in prayer a few nights ago, the impression I recieved was to focus on my relationship with my children. I need to foster a relationship of love and trust with my children. So to this end I once again am sacrificing myself for them. I will be over weight for a little while longer in the name of Love and Motherhood. Kudos to those women who can lose weight and be super Mom. I am not one of them. I am not ashamed to admit it.

I will still be exercising, because I love it and it's so good for me to continue on that journey. But I will not be focusing on my weight loss. I have to put all of my efforts into my children right now. Too soon will they be gone from my home. When that happens I want them to have a desire to return and feel comfortable coming back when ever they need to. I don't want them to despise home and have a feeling of "I'm never go back there!".

I also realize that my emotional eating is attached to my children. I hope as I focus on them and foster greater relationships with them that I will help that aspect of my life. **Sigh** One can only pray for such a miracle.

I am not going to abandon all reason either. I will still try to eat healthy and make good choices. I'm just not going to count calories or be a carb nazi. But I will try to fnd balance with food as I put my energies elsewhere.

I hope to write about my continued journy here. It will take on a slightly different twist. It's good to document and write things down. Right?

Revelations

For the past week I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G!!! And it's been no fun. I've follow my usual emotional circle, eat till I can't eat no more and feel even worse about myself. Trying to lose weight was getting to be overwhelming and so discouraging. I have been working out so hard to help with my weight loss and it's only brought me tears of frustration. I was also just about to give up on prayer. Why would my Heavenly Father want to help me with weight loss. I have been pleading on my knees morning and night for help and to no avail. My total weight loss for this entire year is just 2 stinking pounds. Seriously, what is a girl to do?

I felt really badly about entertaining the idea of quitting. Most of all quitting on my Heavenly Father. I don't want to quit exercising, I love it. I don't want to quit eating healthy. But it's my nutrtion that is standing in my way.

I started writing in a journal Monday night and low and behold something very strong finally dawned in my tiny brain. If I stop exercising and eating the way that I do I could balloon to 300+lbs!! My yo-yo eating habits are that bad. I do really well, in the name of weight loss. Fell terrible when I screw up. Eat myself into a frenzy for a week or more and then start the proccess over. It has to stop. It's more then just my weight now. It's my LIFE!!! My emotional attachment to food is crazy strong! I have to stop it or it's going to continue to control my life.

I need to get a handle on this before I can start to focus on weight loss. But I hope in the process of gaining a new attitude towards food, incorporating good food and lots of veggies that weight loss will be a natural result. But if it's not, that's okay. Right now, finding balance in every day life is what it's about for me right now.

I have to find other outlets then food. Food is my enemy, but it's also a love of mine. How do you balance mortal enemies?

In my mind, a normal day could involve a cookie after lunch. Just as long as I can stop at that one cookie. It's okay to have a "carb" with dinner as long as it's a good whole wheat one served in a true portion. Am I wrong in my thinking? As long as these things are balanced with a lot of healthy cooking and a boat load of veggies, why couldn't I do those things?

I'm changing my focus. Weightloss is seriously killing me. I fight myself every single day and I can't do it any more. It's just too ding dang hard. I'm fighting so many other sources of evil that I shouldn't have to be fighting myself in addtion. I need to be loving myself, supporting myself, and being strict with myself. I will have to focus on weight loss once I get a real handle on my day to day life. I have to focus on chaging my "relationship" and emotional attachment that I have with food.

Aslo while writing in my journal the idea of a support group popped into my head. I can't afford to join one, so why not start one here in my awesome neighborhood filled with awesome women who may or may not be struggling.

It's worth a shot.

Getting Geared

I can feel that tightening happening again within my being. That tightening that needs to take place to find success in any aspect in life. I've been unwound for long enough. I can feel the desire and the motivation starting to build and gain momentum. Is it really going to happen this time? I threw away the rest of the red vines after dinner tonight. I chucked the peanut m&m's on to the furthest, most highest, most difficult spot to get to in my laundry room. Now the only thing for me to do is to get the fixings for that amazing salad that I keep talking about. And to not purchase any more treats at the store. I'm finding that peppermint patties are my downfall right now. I feel as if they are low-in fat, and low enough in calories to sneak into my diet routine. But in reality, it's not okay. Maybe when I'm in my maintaining state. But I'm not in my maintaining state. Even then, I think the sweet, minty bite needs to be held for the weekends. Am I the only person that has a downfall? Food that tempts them to the point of collapse?

What is your downfall if you have one? What are you going to do to overcome it?

What am I going to do?

Make sure that I don't go to the store hungry? That's a good one. I think I'll arm myself with a bottle of water too. Make sure I always have one in my purse to drink instead of reach for that darn peppermint pattie!!

Walking it Out

Today I went on a lovely walk with Melissa. The sun was shinning brightly and I was able to wear my killer sunglasses. As Melissa and I talked I mentioned how her upcoming birth was quickly approaching. She wanted me to repeat it cause time seemed to slow down for her. I told her it wasn't and I didn't want her to have that baby anytime soon. The plan was for me to lose 20lbs while she gained 20lbs. That's not happening. She has just about 2 months left and there is no way in H E double hockey sticks that's going to happen. But it did re-affirm my desire to lose this wretched weight.

Birthdays are now over with. Sickness, for now, is over with. And vacation for the rest of the year is over with. I have no other obstacles blocking my path to weight loss. Except myself.

Tomorrow I'm chucking all the sweets that are preventing me from having good days. I'm going to purchase the makings of a great salad and begin in earnest to change my lifestyle.

My anniversary is coming up on April 12th. I would love to lose 10lbs by then. I think 7 is more realistic.

Once again here are my goals up until April 12th.

1. Lose 7 lbs.
2. NO BUYING PEPPERMINT PADDIES AT THE STORE!!!!
3. Drink loads of water.
4. Continue to work out for 1-2 hours a day
5. Follow the Body for Life eating program to the T!!!
6. Gain control of my weekends!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the trick is to keep my self motivated.

What do you do to keep motivated?

Home again, Home again

My vacation is over. I'm back to the day to day routine. I woke up and headed to the gym this morning. My favorite instructor substituted in my spin class this morning which was a pleasant surprise. I was conscious of my eating choices and still indulged in 3 pieces of licorice and a few bites of a garlic roll. Remind me again why nutrition is so powerful in weight loss? Why can't I exercise for 3 hours a day, be careful with what I eat and lose weight. Why do I have to be a nazi in the kitchen. I love being the bedtime nazi, the brush your teeth nazi, the get your homework done nazi, but the kitchen nazi I am NOT!!! Why can't nature balance itself out and just let me lose weight by exercising my guts out. It just doesn't seem fair!!! I guess life isn't fair. I guess I'll have to start being the kitchen nazi.

It just seems like I'm going in circles and not getting anywhere. I'm still not ready to give up. I'll keep going in circles until I find my groove.

This week I'm going back to the Body for Life eating program. It's simple, straight forward and easy to follow. No counting calories. Just portions. That's up my ally and something I can stick to for the rest of my life.

What are you doing to find weight loss success?

Of Vomit and Vacation

The month of February always throws me off! It's my birthday and I tend to indulge when it's my birthday. When that happens I have a hard time getting back on track. Then I have to struggle with 3 more birthdays and all the cake and ice cream associated with them. It's tough, to say the least.

On top of all of that I got a vicious stomach virus. Which in theory would help me to lose weight since I'm shooting liquid out my butt and mouth. Okay, that was a little crude, but the truth. When your sick you don't feel like eating leafy green veggies. So I opted for the higher caloric intake of simple crap foods. Did I mention that I suffer from emotional eating? Ya, I really do. The whole week I was feeling like crap, and eating crap I didn't make it to the gym. I gave a valiant effort on a Monday but the gurgling and churning in my stomach quickly sent me home and to the comfort of my bed.

Then comes the week before my period where I become bloated and my body holds on to all fluids and I end up gaining weight. At least I have my period to blame that on. I hate my bloated belly and those crappy feelings associated with the beautiful process called menstruation. At least I'm having a period and my i.u.d. hasn't failed me. This week I was back to the gym like a dedicated rat, every ding dang morning at 5am. If only I could get my eating to catch up to my exercising. I would be one lean, mean, sexy machine. ***SIGH***

It doesn't stop there. We are leaving for Vacation tomorrow. What's associated with road trips and vacation? That's right, junk food, and mindless eating. Oh the torture of it all to one who is trying to lose weight. I'm trying to have a good attitude and a brilliant strategy. No matter how hard I plan, and pump myself up I end up slipping and diving into the goodness of vacay food. Bless my struggling heart. And on top of that, I will be in full swing of my menstruation cycle, and what's associated with that? That's right, junk food and mindless eating. I see a pattern happening here! The twins would be so proud of me. ***SIGH***

I'm just going to let happen what happens. Gravity and Nature are pulling against me. I am going to give a valiant effort to eat right and make good and wise choices. Then, when I get home, I'm really going to bang my weight loss out. How many times do I need to tell myself that the strictness only has to happen for about 4 months. In 4 months I could have all my weight melted away and have a "normal" life. What ever "normal" is. ***SIGH***

See you in about a week.