Last night my friends and I successfully gathered for our first support group. I've been trying to pull one together for months now. It was a relief to talk with other women who struggle with the same things that I do. Who have the same emotions, feelings, and challenges that I do. Although we are in different places our goal is the same, over come our dysfunctional relationship with food. We took turns going around talking about our struggles. We then read the first step in the Church's addiction recovery program. It was comforting to know that even if we have the smallest desire to change, we can begin the process.
My goal for this week is to complete the study and understanding section of Step 1. I am also going to incorporate 12 power foods into my daily life. I'm pretty excited. I am ready to cleanse myself and allow the Atonement to help me overcome and move forward. I know it's not going to be easy. Change sometimes isn't easy and takes a lot of work, study and more work. I just need to remember to not give up. I CAN'T give up.
Step 1-- Honesty.
There were several quotes that were profound:
A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.
I didn't think I lost anything when I indulged. As I thought more about is last night I realized that I lose out on my relationship with my kids, I withdrawal from my husband, and I feel abandoned by God. I also lose hope that I have the strength to overcome.
President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelves taught: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."
All I can think about is how fat I am and how I don't want to be fat anymore. In that thought process I become fat. This quote has given me a new way to combat my problem. Stop obsessing about my fat, and start studying doctrine. It is through the study of Christ that I will begin to finally change. Because that change will come from the INSIDE, not the outside.
I've never been good at studying or research. This will be a tremendous challenge for me. But it's a challenge I'm willing to take on.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Getting Older Sucks
Of course I haven't been writing because the quest has been stalled. I feel badly for not writing through my pain and disappointments. Life isn't all about ups, it has it's downs too. It just feels like I haven't had much visible success. I know I've grown a lot spiritually, but that's not reflecting my physical body. I was hoping that it would. But it hasn't. I know that I need to put the Lord first. I believe I've known this for a long time and have yet to act upon it. I need to get up early and read my scriptures instead of worrying about a work-out. I need to exercise my spirit as well as my physical body.
When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed. I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better. The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something. And something needs to change quickly. I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips. Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight. In fact I have actually GAINED more weight. What the heck? So discouraging. I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine. I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties. Eegads, man. The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more. Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse. So begins the cycle of dying my hair. Gag a mag. What is a girl to do?
For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING about it. I've seen lots of older people lose weight. I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost. If it were only that simple. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat. I want to lose weight badly. If it were that easy with will power. But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.
I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin. I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first. No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy. And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past. It always comes back. I've kept a portion of the weight off. But not completely.
I need for my lifestyle to change. For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food. I know I've said this before. I continue in my own personal cycle. I want for this cycle to end.
I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church. I am going to start on step 1. I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside. **Sigh**
Getting older still sucks, right now. I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self. I do have to make some major changes for that to happen.
I am going to be more diligent in writing as well. I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down.
I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try. I am going to start it on Monday. I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday. Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday.
I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there. It will happen, I'm confident of that.
When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed. I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better. The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something. And something needs to change quickly. I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips. Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight. In fact I have actually GAINED more weight. What the heck? So discouraging. I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine. I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties. Eegads, man. The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more. Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse. So begins the cycle of dying my hair. Gag a mag. What is a girl to do?
For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING about it. I've seen lots of older people lose weight. I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost. If it were only that simple. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat. I want to lose weight badly. If it were that easy with will power. But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.
I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin. I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first. No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy. And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past. It always comes back. I've kept a portion of the weight off. But not completely.
I need for my lifestyle to change. For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food. I know I've said this before. I continue in my own personal cycle. I want for this cycle to end.
I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church. I am going to start on step 1. I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside. **Sigh**
Getting older still sucks, right now. I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self. I do have to make some major changes for that to happen.
I am going to be more diligent in writing as well. I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down.
I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try. I am going to start it on Monday. I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday. Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday.
I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there. It will happen, I'm confident of that.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 4: Getting better prepared
Last night I called Melissa in tears. Trying to please Diet Power has comletely psyched me out. I had to call her to get my mind smoothed out. She gave me some great advice and a guide to follow. She gave me 12 groups to choose from. Advising me to mix 3 or 4 of these to make a meal. She still encouraged me to count my calories. But if I choose from these groups things should balance out.
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil
This is just a quick run through. I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it. I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week. The only thing that is going to differ is dinner. And even then, just the protein is going to differ. I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies. I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is. One of my huge trouble areas.
I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry. I forgot how hard her workouts are. Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding. Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle. I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can walk out of the house its all good.
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil
This is just a quick run through. I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it. I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week. The only thing that is going to differ is dinner. And even then, just the protein is going to differ. I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies. I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is. One of my huge trouble areas.
I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry. I forgot how hard her workouts are. Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding. Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle. I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can walk out of the house its all good.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Day 3: I might as well start all over again
It's been another crappy day eating. I'm trying not to over analyse my eating. But I am. So I turn to the stupid Halloween candy for comfort. Since I can't figure out what the right things are to eat, I eat what comforts me. Which is the most ridiculous thing to do when you are trying to lose weight and change your life. I never brought my Halloween candy to Melissa. Well, that will happen for sure tomorrow morning.
I think my problem is poor planning. I don't have a menu planned out, I don't have the right foods stocked in my fridge and pantry. That is a set up for failure! I'm going to sit down this evening and plan out my menu. Everything from Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. I can't be shooting from the hip. That just doesn't work for me.
I'm trying not to let myself get down. I know I'm not retarded when it comes to food. But for some reason this go around I am certainly struggling more then usual. I thought this diet power dvd was going to be the answer to all my prayers. But it's just added to my woes!!
One thing is for sure. I'm not willing to give up so easy. I'm not going to. I've learned so much in the last few months that something has to give, change.
I did manage to go on two walks today totaling 60 minutes. Yay me!
I think my problem is poor planning. I don't have a menu planned out, I don't have the right foods stocked in my fridge and pantry. That is a set up for failure! I'm going to sit down this evening and plan out my menu. Everything from Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. I can't be shooting from the hip. That just doesn't work for me.
I'm trying not to let myself get down. I know I'm not retarded when it comes to food. But for some reason this go around I am certainly struggling more then usual. I thought this diet power dvd was going to be the answer to all my prayers. But it's just added to my woes!!
One thing is for sure. I'm not willing to give up so easy. I'm not going to. I've learned so much in the last few months that something has to give, change.
I did manage to go on two walks today totaling 60 minutes. Yay me!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day 2: Not so Good
I could have had a better day. But I didn't. I volunteered a month ago to make lunch for the Camp Meeting for today. I made two different types of pizza and a pasta/spinach salad. How could I NOT eat and indulge in all that scrumptious food? So I didn't. And it was good. And I feel guilty. To add injury to insult I ate more then I needed to of Halloween Candy. UGH!!! On top of all of that they had a great meal at Enrichment, Cafe Rio Burritos! How could I NOT pass that up? So I didn't. I am proud to say that I didn't eat all of the cheesecake they served. I probably ate 3/4 of it.
It was NOT a good day. I'm so glad tomorrow is a new day. I think the whole grade thing is what's throwing me for a loop on that Diet Power. I'm stumped as to how to get a stinking A. I think the key is to eat low-fat protiens. I think I'll try that approach tomorrow. That has to be how to get an A.
I did make it to M's house to work out. I am already feeling the effects of that. It's been 6 months, and it shows. My back is weak, my core is weak, and I can't do as many push-ups. But at least I'm back in the game again.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I pray that it will be better.
It was NOT a good day. I'm so glad tomorrow is a new day. I think the whole grade thing is what's throwing me for a loop on that Diet Power. I'm stumped as to how to get a stinking A. I think the key is to eat low-fat protiens. I think I'll try that approach tomorrow. That has to be how to get an A.
I did make it to M's house to work out. I am already feeling the effects of that. It's been 6 months, and it shows. My back is weak, my core is weak, and I can't do as many push-ups. But at least I'm back in the game again.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I pray that it will be better.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Day 1: So Far, So Good
I woke up early this morning to do the p90x stretch DVD. It felt good. I just wish I had uninterrupted time. Between Hubs leaving for work, and Child #1 getting ready for school, it was a bust. But I was determined to get in at least 30 minutes, and what I did felt good.
Eating has been great. According to Diet Power I'm only getting a F. How in the heck am I going to get an A? Veggies don't count for a high number, which I thought they would. I guess there is a learning curve to the program and I'm willing to plug along to learn it. It is good to sit down after every meal and log what I'm eating and how many calories. Halloween Candy is still lurking around my house, and at Grandma's. I could have so easily stuck my hand out and eaten 2,3 or 4 small candies. But that habit is what has gotten me 10lbs heavier then I was in the beginning of the summer. I simply stopped thinking about them and went on my merry way. As for the candy in my own pantry, that's a different story. I am going to have to take a new strategy to that. I'm going to call up M and ask if she will hold onto my candy for me. My kids don't need it, I don't need, not even the Hubs needs it. She can keep it till Christmas when the stockings need to be stuffed!! How does that sound for strategy? Tell me it's good.
I didn't get to work out at 9am. Sigh. Hubs insisted I run a few errands before my regular routine of cleaning Grandma's house. I am determined to get in at least 60 minutes of exercise. That means instead of being gone for 30 minutes this afternoon, I'll be gone for 60 minutes. I HAVE to get in 60 minutes. For me and body type and genetics, exercise is crucial. It does wonders to my front butt, and my mind. This week looks to be a glorious Autumn event. I'm thrilled with the forcasted Temps and hope to take full advantage.
I made it on my job/walk this afternoon. I went for 40 minutes.
The thing that frustrates me the most is not getting an A on that stupid program. I ate too much fat today thinking I was doing well. I stayed within my calorie budget, but went over on fat. I guess I need a lesson on good protiens that are low in fat. HELP!! I'll experiment with chicken and tilapia and see where that gets me. UGH!!!
I'm not giving up. It's only the first day. It was a good day!!
Eating has been great. According to Diet Power I'm only getting a F. How in the heck am I going to get an A? Veggies don't count for a high number, which I thought they would. I guess there is a learning curve to the program and I'm willing to plug along to learn it. It is good to sit down after every meal and log what I'm eating and how many calories. Halloween Candy is still lurking around my house, and at Grandma's. I could have so easily stuck my hand out and eaten 2,3 or 4 small candies. But that habit is what has gotten me 10lbs heavier then I was in the beginning of the summer. I simply stopped thinking about them and went on my merry way. As for the candy in my own pantry, that's a different story. I am going to have to take a new strategy to that. I'm going to call up M and ask if she will hold onto my candy for me. My kids don't need it, I don't need, not even the Hubs needs it. She can keep it till Christmas when the stockings need to be stuffed!! How does that sound for strategy? Tell me it's good.
I didn't get to work out at 9am. Sigh. Hubs insisted I run a few errands before my regular routine of cleaning Grandma's house. I am determined to get in at least 60 minutes of exercise. That means instead of being gone for 30 minutes this afternoon, I'll be gone for 60 minutes. I HAVE to get in 60 minutes. For me and body type and genetics, exercise is crucial. It does wonders to my front butt, and my mind. This week looks to be a glorious Autumn event. I'm thrilled with the forcasted Temps and hope to take full advantage.
I made it on my job/walk this afternoon. I went for 40 minutes.
The thing that frustrates me the most is not getting an A on that stupid program. I ate too much fat today thinking I was doing well. I stayed within my calorie budget, but went over on fat. I guess I need a lesson on good protiens that are low in fat. HELP!! I'll experiment with chicken and tilapia and see where that gets me. UGH!!!
I'm not giving up. It's only the first day. It was a good day!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Being Truely Grateful
Yesterday I called M so she could get her brain wrapped around the idea of me coming again every Tuesday and Thursday morning. I've missed getting beat up and the change that comes only through weight training. I talked with M for a good hour, or more. I had a huge a-ha moment while talking with her.
Lately I've been focused on being more grateful. I realized that I have never thanked my Heavenly Father for the body that he has given. Cuz I've never been grateful for it. Or when I was grateful for my body I never expressed it. I thought I had been thankful. As the sentenced tried to make it's way out of my mouth it came to a scretching halt. No, I have not once, not ever never said I'm thank you for my body.
Besides my extra weight, what do I have to complain about? I could hike up a mountain if I wanted to. It would be a bit difficult, but I could do it. I can go on a walk, a run. Go for a swim a bike ride. I have the ability to care for my children, cook dinner, carry my laundry up and down the stairs, pull weeds from the garden, mow my lawn, stretch my every aching body.
I truely believe that if we have more gratitude in our lives we become a happier, more loving people. Maybe this is true of myself. If I am more grateful and show that gratitude for my body, is it possible for me to start treating myself with love and respect and become happier? That is my hope, my prayer. Gratitude for my body is something I am going to start expressing to my Heavenly Father. This is the vessel in which he gave me to experience this life. How can I NOT be grateful for that.
Lately I've been focused on being more grateful. I realized that I have never thanked my Heavenly Father for the body that he has given. Cuz I've never been grateful for it. Or when I was grateful for my body I never expressed it. I thought I had been thankful. As the sentenced tried to make it's way out of my mouth it came to a scretching halt. No, I have not once, not ever never said I'm thank you for my body.
Besides my extra weight, what do I have to complain about? I could hike up a mountain if I wanted to. It would be a bit difficult, but I could do it. I can go on a walk, a run. Go for a swim a bike ride. I have the ability to care for my children, cook dinner, carry my laundry up and down the stairs, pull weeds from the garden, mow my lawn, stretch my every aching body.
I truely believe that if we have more gratitude in our lives we become a happier, more loving people. Maybe this is true of myself. If I am more grateful and show that gratitude for my body, is it possible for me to start treating myself with love and respect and become happier? That is my hope, my prayer. Gratitude for my body is something I am going to start expressing to my Heavenly Father. This is the vessel in which he gave me to experience this life. How can I NOT be grateful for that.
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