Flat Honest Truth:
What I've been going through is hard, and very personal. My focus has changed, maybe not drastically, but it has changed. I think I've been eluding to it for some time. I think I was afraid of admitting it. Not to me, but to the world. When, what do I care what the world thinks of me. Only that's what I've been worried about for such a long time, what others and the world thinks of me. When the real honest truth is, the only thing that really matters is my relationship to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
The focus of this blog is going to change. Not that anyone reads it. I just thought that if anyone does read this that they will know that it's changing. I'm changing this blog from a weight-loss blog, to a Christ centered blog. The only way to really change is through Christ. I shouldn't be so afraid of rejoicing in Christ. I hope to share with you the changes that have already started to happen with me.
The change that has happened hasn't been physical in nature, either. Which at first was extremely frustrating for me. In fact I am the heaviest I've been since starting this blog. If I allow myself to dwell on it too long, it can be quite discouraging. But what is happening is that I am discovering a new relationship with food in conjunction with my new attitude toward my body.
It's hard to change your attitude toward food when you've believed what the world has been preaching for the last decade. No Carbs. Eat every 2-3 hrs. Eat 6 small meals a day. You are nothing if you don't look like this...(fill in the blank). I'm sure the list could go on. So, I've stopped ALL worldly thinking about food.
Recently I was re-introduced to the Word of Wisdom. It's more then just abstaining from drugs and alcohol and strong drink. It talks about grains being the staff of life. Eating fruits, vegetable and herbs in season. And eating meat only in time of winter or famine. I'm still trying to figure out how often I should eat. I think I need to just listen to what my body is telling me.
This isn't going to be easy, by any means. I'm still battling a dysfunctional relationship with food. Which of course is the reason I turned to my Savior in the first place. I'm still fighting to change my cravings for junior mints, red vines, ice cream at night and chips with my lunch. I know none of those things will keep my body strong and healthy.
That's what it all boils down to. Being healthy. What ever size my body decides it wants to be after I've found the balance between a good healthy way to eat and exercise that is fun and comfortable, so be it. And if that means that I'm a size 16 for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do and that's all that matters.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Our Temples
I've been thinking a lot about my body as a Temple. I've been doing a lot of cleansing of the inside of my Temple, the spiritual part of me. That has been very rewarding. It wasn't until I read this article about sugar that something started to connect for me. It talked about how sugar causes depression, weight gain, severe pms, and pre-mature wrinkles. To quote Mr. Gru(you know from Despicable Me?), LIGHT-BULB! My body, my temple houses my spirit. By abusing myself with sugar I am making it more difficult for the spirit to dwell with me. I have been experiencing all of the above!! And it hasn't been fun. I have slightly increased my sugar intake(I should be honest, maybe a lot) over the past year and I believe these symptoms are a result. This is so much more then just about weight. It's about my life. My body and spirit are so intertwined, more then I understand.
After reading this article I really want to take control. And not for my weight, for my health and my spirit. But where to start? This is dangerous territory. How do I start this process without my body(and mind) believing that I'm starting a diet? I wont every be starting a diet, EVER AGAIN. I know that there are some permanent lifestyle changes that need to take place. Removing unneeded sugar is a good place.
Several, several months ago I vowed not to purchase any treats for myself when I go to the store. This will be a goal of mine for the month of February. I also don't want to have sweet in my house during the week. I need to start training myself to reach for fruits for a sweet fix. Finding fruits that are in season is going to be a fun adventure. I've always wanted to make amazing desserts for Sunday night. Bringing my daughters into the kitchen with me to help me. That makes 3 goals, right?
1. No more buying treats in the store.
2. No more sweets in the house during the week
3. Make an amazing dessert for Sunday Dinner.
4. Reach for fruits that are in season.
That makes 4 goals. I've written them down. I will keep you up to date on my progress.
How does sugar affect you?
What do you do to overcome sugar urges?
After reading this article I really want to take control. And not for my weight, for my health and my spirit. But where to start? This is dangerous territory. How do I start this process without my body(and mind) believing that I'm starting a diet? I wont every be starting a diet, EVER AGAIN. I know that there are some permanent lifestyle changes that need to take place. Removing unneeded sugar is a good place.
Several, several months ago I vowed not to purchase any treats for myself when I go to the store. This will be a goal of mine for the month of February. I also don't want to have sweet in my house during the week. I need to start training myself to reach for fruits for a sweet fix. Finding fruits that are in season is going to be a fun adventure. I've always wanted to make amazing desserts for Sunday night. Bringing my daughters into the kitchen with me to help me. That makes 3 goals, right?
1. No more buying treats in the store.
2. No more sweets in the house during the week
3. Make an amazing dessert for Sunday Dinner.
4. Reach for fruits that are in season.
That makes 4 goals. I've written them down. I will keep you up to date on my progress.
How does sugar affect you?
What do you do to overcome sugar urges?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Change is slow
Usually in January I hit the gym, hard. I usually start a new diet and do pretty good. I am determined to shed pounds and change my life, permanently. This year is so different. Exercise is not that important. Although I really really really really want to start running again. Will this snow ever melt? I know, it's still January, but come on. Eating healthy is still important to me and I am striving to find that perfect way to eat which is best for me.
The biggest difference for me this year, is that I'm on a different journey. I have very different goals which I hope will result in a physical change as well. I've talked a little bit about this in my past posts. As much as I don't want this journey to be about the weight, it still feels like it is. My journey is more of a spiritual one.
I have placed more value on scripture study, pondering them, and praying about them and what it is that I should study. My prayers are becoming more meaningful and fasting has new meaning and real purpose. I am trying so hard to foster a beautiful relationship with Christ. We've been promised that if we put the Lord first that all other aspects of our lives will fall into place.
With all this wonderful spiritual growth happening, I still feel a bit lonely. The only change I see in my body is the change I wasn't hoping for. A good friend came over to help me. I loved all her wonderful advice and counsel. What it all boils down to is that change takes time. Even spiritual change. Which I am not good with. I want instant results!! INSTANT!!! I work so hard for a few weeks wanting my life to change instantaneously. In all reality, that's not how it's suppose to work.
I thought I was doing something wrong. There must be Something MORE I needed to be doing. My friend told me I was in the same place she was 2 months ago. She told me I was being to hard on myself and I was doing everything I needed to. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. Even through weight gain.
6am study time, here I come. And it's been wonderful to start my day the right way!
The biggest difference for me this year, is that I'm on a different journey. I have very different goals which I hope will result in a physical change as well. I've talked a little bit about this in my past posts. As much as I don't want this journey to be about the weight, it still feels like it is. My journey is more of a spiritual one.
I have placed more value on scripture study, pondering them, and praying about them and what it is that I should study. My prayers are becoming more meaningful and fasting has new meaning and real purpose. I am trying so hard to foster a beautiful relationship with Christ. We've been promised that if we put the Lord first that all other aspects of our lives will fall into place.
With all this wonderful spiritual growth happening, I still feel a bit lonely. The only change I see in my body is the change I wasn't hoping for. A good friend came over to help me. I loved all her wonderful advice and counsel. What it all boils down to is that change takes time. Even spiritual change. Which I am not good with. I want instant results!! INSTANT!!! I work so hard for a few weeks wanting my life to change instantaneously. In all reality, that's not how it's suppose to work.
I thought I was doing something wrong. There must be Something MORE I needed to be doing. My friend told me I was in the same place she was 2 months ago. She told me I was being to hard on myself and I was doing everything I needed to. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. Even through weight gain.
6am study time, here I come. And it's been wonderful to start my day the right way!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Reflections of 2010
As I think back on my 2010 year, it started out insane. Waking up at 4:45am, heading to the gym, working my brains out until 7am, coming home, and barely making it through the rest of my day. I was tired, cranky, and let's face it, not capable of that schedule. So I quit. I quit a lot of things this year. I gained 12lbs back, stopped running, stopped caring about what I ate, and hated that my pants began getting too small.
Through all that I learned that there is more to life then losing weight. I have been swallowed up in what the world thinks is acceptable, a washboard stomach, hips like a teenage boy, and boobs the size of Mount Olympus. I have been asking for help in all the wrong areas of my life. Losing weight is not what is most important in our earthly journey here. I do believe that being healthy and treating our bodies with love and respect is important.
The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that I need to gain a relationship with my Savior. He is the one who will help me get through this maddening and chaotic life. No amount of weight lost will bring me true happiness and joy. Finding and trusting in the love that comes from the Savior will bring happiness and joy.
This past month my focus has completely changed. Yes, I still want to lose weight, but that is not my focus. My focus is what I'm going to call, Connecting to the Vine. And in connecting to the vine I will realize my true potential and value.
2010 didn't go as I quite planned it. Does anything really?
I am really looking forward to 2011.
Through all that I learned that there is more to life then losing weight. I have been swallowed up in what the world thinks is acceptable, a washboard stomach, hips like a teenage boy, and boobs the size of Mount Olympus. I have been asking for help in all the wrong areas of my life. Losing weight is not what is most important in our earthly journey here. I do believe that being healthy and treating our bodies with love and respect is important.
The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that I need to gain a relationship with my Savior. He is the one who will help me get through this maddening and chaotic life. No amount of weight lost will bring me true happiness and joy. Finding and trusting in the love that comes from the Savior will bring happiness and joy.
This past month my focus has completely changed. Yes, I still want to lose weight, but that is not my focus. My focus is what I'm going to call, Connecting to the Vine. And in connecting to the vine I will realize my true potential and value.
2010 didn't go as I quite planned it. Does anything really?
I am really looking forward to 2011.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Taking the First Step
Last night my friends and I successfully gathered for our first support group. I've been trying to pull one together for months now. It was a relief to talk with other women who struggle with the same things that I do. Who have the same emotions, feelings, and challenges that I do. Although we are in different places our goal is the same, over come our dysfunctional relationship with food. We took turns going around talking about our struggles. We then read the first step in the Church's addiction recovery program. It was comforting to know that even if we have the smallest desire to change, we can begin the process.
My goal for this week is to complete the study and understanding section of Step 1. I am also going to incorporate 12 power foods into my daily life. I'm pretty excited. I am ready to cleanse myself and allow the Atonement to help me overcome and move forward. I know it's not going to be easy. Change sometimes isn't easy and takes a lot of work, study and more work. I just need to remember to not give up. I CAN'T give up.
Step 1-- Honesty.
There were several quotes that were profound:
A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.
I didn't think I lost anything when I indulged. As I thought more about is last night I realized that I lose out on my relationship with my kids, I withdrawal from my husband, and I feel abandoned by God. I also lose hope that I have the strength to overcome.
President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelves taught: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."
All I can think about is how fat I am and how I don't want to be fat anymore. In that thought process I become fat. This quote has given me a new way to combat my problem. Stop obsessing about my fat, and start studying doctrine. It is through the study of Christ that I will begin to finally change. Because that change will come from the INSIDE, not the outside.
I've never been good at studying or research. This will be a tremendous challenge for me. But it's a challenge I'm willing to take on.
My goal for this week is to complete the study and understanding section of Step 1. I am also going to incorporate 12 power foods into my daily life. I'm pretty excited. I am ready to cleanse myself and allow the Atonement to help me overcome and move forward. I know it's not going to be easy. Change sometimes isn't easy and takes a lot of work, study and more work. I just need to remember to not give up. I CAN'T give up.
Step 1-- Honesty.
There were several quotes that were profound:
A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.
I didn't think I lost anything when I indulged. As I thought more about is last night I realized that I lose out on my relationship with my kids, I withdrawal from my husband, and I feel abandoned by God. I also lose hope that I have the strength to overcome.
President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelves taught: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."
All I can think about is how fat I am and how I don't want to be fat anymore. In that thought process I become fat. This quote has given me a new way to combat my problem. Stop obsessing about my fat, and start studying doctrine. It is through the study of Christ that I will begin to finally change. Because that change will come from the INSIDE, not the outside.
I've never been good at studying or research. This will be a tremendous challenge for me. But it's a challenge I'm willing to take on.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Getting Older Sucks
Of course I haven't been writing because the quest has been stalled. I feel badly for not writing through my pain and disappointments. Life isn't all about ups, it has it's downs too. It just feels like I haven't had much visible success. I know I've grown a lot spiritually, but that's not reflecting my physical body. I was hoping that it would. But it hasn't. I know that I need to put the Lord first. I believe I've known this for a long time and have yet to act upon it. I need to get up early and read my scriptures instead of worrying about a work-out. I need to exercise my spirit as well as my physical body.
When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed. I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better. The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something. And something needs to change quickly. I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips. Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight. In fact I have actually GAINED more weight. What the heck? So discouraging. I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine. I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties. Eegads, man. The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more. Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse. So begins the cycle of dying my hair. Gag a mag. What is a girl to do?
For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING about it. I've seen lots of older people lose weight. I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost. If it were only that simple. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat. I want to lose weight badly. If it were that easy with will power. But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.
I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin. I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first. No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy. And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past. It always comes back. I've kept a portion of the weight off. But not completely.
I need for my lifestyle to change. For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food. I know I've said this before. I continue in my own personal cycle. I want for this cycle to end.
I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church. I am going to start on step 1. I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside. **Sigh**
Getting older still sucks, right now. I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self. I do have to make some major changes for that to happen.
I am going to be more diligent in writing as well. I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down.
I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try. I am going to start it on Monday. I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday. Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday.
I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there. It will happen, I'm confident of that.
When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed. I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better. The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something. And something needs to change quickly. I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips. Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight. In fact I have actually GAINED more weight. What the heck? So discouraging. I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine. I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties. Eegads, man. The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more. Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse. So begins the cycle of dying my hair. Gag a mag. What is a girl to do?
For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING about it. I've seen lots of older people lose weight. I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost. If it were only that simple. Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat. I want to lose weight badly. If it were that easy with will power. But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.
I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin. I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first. No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy. And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past. It always comes back. I've kept a portion of the weight off. But not completely.
I need for my lifestyle to change. For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food. I know I've said this before. I continue in my own personal cycle. I want for this cycle to end.
I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church. I am going to start on step 1. I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside. **Sigh**
Getting older still sucks, right now. I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self. I do have to make some major changes for that to happen.
I am going to be more diligent in writing as well. I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down.
I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try. I am going to start it on Monday. I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday. Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday.
I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there. It will happen, I'm confident of that.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 4: Getting better prepared
Last night I called Melissa in tears. Trying to please Diet Power has comletely psyched me out. I had to call her to get my mind smoothed out. She gave me some great advice and a guide to follow. She gave me 12 groups to choose from. Advising me to mix 3 or 4 of these to make a meal. She still encouraged me to count my calories. But if I choose from these groups things should balance out.
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil
This is just a quick run through. I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it. I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week. The only thing that is going to differ is dinner. And even then, just the protein is going to differ. I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies. I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is. One of my huge trouble areas.
I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry. I forgot how hard her workouts are. Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding. Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle. I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can walk out of the house its all good.
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil
This is just a quick run through. I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it. I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week. The only thing that is going to differ is dinner. And even then, just the protein is going to differ. I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies. I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is. One of my huge trouble areas.
I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry. I forgot how hard her workouts are. Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding. Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle. I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can walk out of the house its all good.
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