Not Perfection

How did the first 4 days go of my no-sugar fast?  I did awesome 2 out of the 4 days.  I refuse to demand perfection out of myself.  When I have demanded that of myself in the past I begin to hate the process, hate myself, and end up giving up all together.  On Wednesday I went out with a new friend to a new place to eat and allowed myself to share a shake with her and our children.  It was good, and I didn't have anything else for the rest of the day.  Thursday my cousin and Aunt came over for a quilting day.  That was a lot of fun.  Although I succumbed to drinking a diet caffeine free soda, and my Aunt had a massive craving for a cake so we made one from a box mix an another diet soda.  My Aunt made this amazing glaze to go on top and I allowed myself to try that as well.  Goodness it was good.  Again, I didn't have anything after it. I did recognize how crazy I was for it after just trying the first little bit.  My body took a little quick intake of breath and asked itself, "What is this deliciousness and give me more!!"  Sure fire sign of an addict. 

I look at where I have come in just even a year and I am proud of my progress.  The reason I am doing this 30 day fast is to prove to myself that I can go without sugar.  That my desire for better health is greater then my desire to indulge in junk.  Even though these last 4 days have not been "perfect" I still haven't bought candy when I am at the store. I don't have candy or cookies in my pantry to tempt and try me. I don't buy a soda every time I'm in the grocery store and I'm not hopping in the 'burb to run down to the nearest gas station to get my fix. 

I am the first one to admit that I am some what of a follower.  I love doing what others are doing and have a hard time not participating in the fun things.  And for me, that involves food.  That is a step that I know will come later.  I can't jump all these hurdles at once.  That is a sure fire way for me to fall flat and hard on my face. 

The weekend is coming up and another challenge will be presented.  I love the weekends and the treats that tend to come with them.  But I have promised myself 30 days and although I don't demand perfection I will stretch myself.  It can be done.  I can go a weekend without getting too cray cray with the treatie treats.  My weekends have already changed their look and feel.  A lot still needs to happen. Progress, that's what I am making. 

The other critical principle that I am trying to pay attention to, is my body cues.  When it's hungry, i try to eat.  I try to stop eating before I get completely full, and the most important, I try not to eat when I am not hungry.  For so many years I ate even when I wasn't hungry.  I am trying to be kind and nurturing to myself and really listen to what my body is saying and asking me to do.  It's hard.  But I am grateful for the challenge.

No Sugar?

I can't believe it's been a whole month since the last time I posted something.  I realized that somethings never change with me.  One being the fact that I get so easily discouraged.  I haven't done anything good since this last post.  Despite losing a pound.

Over this past year I have watched several people around me successfully lose weight, and a lot of it.  Between 50-70lbs.  I think I'm still stuck in the desire to lose everything in a few short months.  Which, come on, really? That kind of weight loss is never permanent.  These people have inspired me to be consistent.  I realize that it's going to take me TIME to lose the amount of weight that I need to lose.  So I have set one long term goal for myself, accompanied by some monthly goals.  I have come to terms with the fact that it will take me about 10 months to lose 40lbs.  I hope to be able to lose 5lbs a month.  I don't think these goals are lofty or unattainable. In fact, I think they are highly reasonable and very attainable.

To Kick start my success I have committed to go 30 days without any sugar.  After going off of candy in January, this probably wont be as difficult as it might have been a year ago.

Easter really kicked my butt.  As it does every ding dang year.  I indulged in a huge container of Jelly Belly's from Costco, courtesy of my parents.  I still have yet to purchase myself candy in the store like I use too.  Which I'm sure is a habit that contributed to my current state.

These past few weeks of not drinking green smoothies and back to eating sugar has thrust me back into feeling sick, tired, and plain out of motivation to do anything.  I know this is due to the sugar.  It truly is poisoning my body.  For some psycho reason, I keep eating the damn stuff despite the side effects.
Over the past year I have overcome a lot of baggage, healed hurts, and improved my feelings of self worth.  I know I am not eating because of any of these reasons.  I truly believe it's out of habit now.  I am hoping that in this 30 days I will begin to break the bad habits that I have formed over 20 years.

This too, is a recurring theme of mine.  Just bare with me as I try to overcome it.

I have also discovered that the more I document my progress the better I do.  I hope to write at least once a week.  I am also going to document my eating and exercise once again at Myfitnesspal.com.  Love love lovie love this site.

Here's to 30 days without sugar.

Sixlets on the Counter

This is my fourth week of consistently exercising.  I am doing the Turbo Fire program and I LOVE it.  It's hard for me, but I need something that is hard. I've lost count of how long it's been since I've had a diet coke, or any soda for that matter.  Since having my kidney problems in January, I haven't had any candy during the week, and hardly any on the weekend.  I still enjoy a good cookie.  Come to think of it, I haven't had any ice cream for a really long time too.  My green smoothy at 3pm has helped my sweet tooth craving and gets me through till dinner.  This past Sunday I grabbed a sixlet after choir.  I didn't eat it and it's still sitting on my counter, staring at me.  It has no pull on me though, amazing.  Sixlets are one of my most most favorite candies.  I have many, but they are at the top of the list.  In addition to this, this is my second week without eating out at all.  I usually eat out at least twice a week for lunch.

Despite these triumphs in my life, I have not lost a single pound.  I could be discouraged by this.  But the way I feel compared to how I felt in December is phenomenal.  I think my hair has even stopped falling out, or at least it's not falling out as much as it use to.  I'm not turning back to my old life.  I was sad, sometimes depressed, felt sluggish, sick, and fat.  Now, I am happier, feel great, have energy to get things done, have a desire to look nice, and just enjoy living.  Why would I want to change that.  If I don't lose weight, that's okay.  I know that the changes that I am making are making a difference in other areas of my life.  I just need to accept my body for what it is, buy new clothes and move forward with new goals and desires.  It would be nice to lose some weight so I can move even better when it comes to running, hiking, gardening, and keeping up with the kids.  If the weight is going to come off, it will.  But if it doesn't, I think I've come to terms with that.  And I'm okay.  The number on the scale doesn't define who I am or how I feel(to some degree).  It's just a number.

I did get on the scale last friday and was disappointed to see a 2lb weight gain.  I had counted my calories and didn't eat over 1550, and I also monitored how many calories I burned.  I had a great week.  But it didn't translate on the scale.  Hence, my submission to being the way I am.

Plugging along

I know I haven't written in a few weeks.  I am still going strong drinking 2 green smoothies a day.  It has helped me tremendously in my calorie counting and curbing my sweet tooth at 3pm.   Two weeks ago I finally stepped on the scale and it was 7lbs lighter then when I stepped on it 6 months ago.  A week later I stepped back on the scale and had lost 3lbs.  I was shocked to say the least.  I have plugged on this week hoping that I would be able to pull off a 1lb weight loss. I attribute my 3lb weight loss to menstrual cycle.  But I'll take it.  I have kept close track of my calories consumed, and calories burned at myfitnesspal.com. I love this site.  It's super easy to use.  I have worked out every day this week and plan on working out extra hard tomorrow.

I don't struggle so much on the weekends as I use to.  I want so badly to shed lbs to gain a healthier body.  I give in a little more on the weekends just so I don't get out of control during the week.  I'll let you know how that is working out for me.  If I don't start losing weight, I'm going to have to start getting strict on the weekends as well, which I hope doesn't have to happen.  I want to be able to make changes that can be permanent and stay with me for the rest of my life. I realize that I might have to be a bit more strict with myself to lose weight, but I hope what I am doing shows some results.  Losing weight is numbers in and numbers out, right?

I am stepping on the scale tomorrow morning.  With that in mind, I am going to be extra careful tonight.  I have an awards banquet to attend.  I have just 6-700 calories left today.  I can do this.

In the Trash

Now that several of our birthday celebrations are over with, I took liberties and threw away all left over crap in the trash.  Left over bags of candy, boxes of sugar cookies.  I didn't eat much candy over the weekend, a few cinnamon hearts, but I did eat more sugar cookies.   I am still an addict, and when stuff is around and I'm super hungry I still reach for the comforting food items.  To combat this, I just threw everything away that I knew was bad for me.  If it's not in the house to tempt me, I am forced to reach for something else. 

I did make some awesome salads over the weekend.  Really good stuff, even my 4 year old couldn't get enough.  I think we will be eating salads for lunch a lot in the future. 

This mornings green smoothy consisted of: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 orange, 1lime, 1 carrot, 1 celery, 1/4 apple, 1/4 pear, 1/4 cucumber, agave, and ice.  Ohhhhh, it's a good one too.  Citrusly Wonderful!!  I am debating on whether or not to move to two smoothies a day.  I think I'll wait to do that the 1st of March. The beginning of the year is so hard for me to stay on track.  What with my birthday, Grace's Birthday, Beckham's birthday and Isabel & Annika's all within a month of each other.  Plus you throw in Valentine's day,and it's cookie, cake, ice cream over load.  I must say, that I did better this year then in past years.  I need to woman up and just simply pass on the girls' birthday cake. 

I keep telling myself that candy is poison.  With that though continually running through my mind, it's been no problem to say no to the stuff.  Of course I still have my moments of weakness, but I still don't eat near as much as I use to. 

The frustrating part is that I'm not losing any weight.  I'm not eating as much as before either.  I am going to have to figure out how to get myself to start losing weight.  I haven't exercised every single day either, but I know tons of people who lose weight without exercising.  Besides, weight loss is 70% nutrition, and 30% exercise.  This week so far I've exercised everyday.  Yes, it's only been two days.  But I didn't let my kids being home yesterday get in the way of my work out.  I'm also following the class schedule for a program called TurboFire.  I am super committed to losing this weight.  I have set more solid dates to reach some of my goals.  Remember those first pair of pants, I would like to fit into those by the time my anniversary rolls around.  I still don't want to step on the scale, so I need to be putting those pants on every friday.  I have to gauge my success by something. 

I still wish losing weight didn't have to be so difficult.  This time will be different though.  It will be permanent.  I'm learning how to live my life the way God intended.  I'm learning how to be truly happy with who I am on the inside and on the outside.  I am learning how to be truly grateful for the things a loving Heavenly Father has bestowed upon me.  There is a great lesson to be learned in this trial.  I might not understand it right now, but I hope to very soon.

There's a Difference

I stopped drinking green smoothies for breakfast for a few days.  Not because I didn't want to drink them, but because I ran out of good things to blend.  As a result I started feeling sick again.  That probably has a lot to do with me being weak and giving into my cravings.  This past week has been a testament to me of how much my body is affected by sugar.  And not just with candy.  I have steered pretty clear of the that.  But sugar in general.  I recognized that I couldn't get up in the mornings.  But when I drink the green smoothies and cut out the sugar, I would automatically wake at 5am, rested and ready to start my day.  It was weird.  I almost felt like bouncing off the walls good. If felt awesome.  This week, I have started feeling sick again.  I can't get myself out of bed and I have to force myself to get things done around the house. 

There are so many other things that are easy for me to say NO to.  All those things would wreak havoc in my life as well.  But sugar, is different.  But now that I can actually recognize how it is affecting me, the choice to leave it alone should be more clear and easy. 

Yesterday was grocery shopping day.  I tried to stay away from processed foods.  It wasn't easy.  I bought mostly fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes.  Even though I am on a tight budget I am determined to take on this challenge and prove to myself and my husband that we can still eat healthy and get out of debt.  I was aching for a green smoothy this morning and my fridge was so wonderful to open up and have so many good things calling my name.  This morning I made a smoothy of 1 orange, 1/2 grapefruit, 1/4 apple, 1/2 banana, 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk, 1/4 english cucumber, 2 stalks kale, 1/4 cup water and a handful of ice.  Don't ever forget the ice.  It was a wonderful smoothy.  My goal now is to start adding more veggies to my smoothies.  I found in the beginning it was harder to add more veggies, the texture was just to hard for me to swallow.  But now that I'm several weeks into it, I don't mind it at all. 

Beginning Monday I am going to drink a smoothy for breakfast and lunch.  Just to help get these toxins out of my body and begin to curb my sugar cravings.  It really was amazing what those smoothies did for my body and spirit as a whole.  Because my body felt so good, I was a happier person spiritually.  It was wonderful. 

Green smoothies are awesome!! 

Cookie Overdose

Starting Monday we got an influx of sugar cookies.  In my home growing up we had sugar cookies on two holidays, Valentine's and Halloween.  Not sure why, but we always did.  It started to be something that I looked forward to.  I began that same tradition in my own family.  My sweet sister-in-law brought over some sugar cookies on Monday.  They were big and delicious.  I ate mine as soon as she set foot out the door.  I was quickly reminded that I needed to make some for myself and maybe a few neighbors.  So I made the dough that night.  I spent all morning long laboring over these cookies.  I made 5 plates to give to a few ladies in the ward, ladies I visit teach and my companion.  I still had gobs left over.  I frosted one for each of my kids, one for the hubs, and one for me.  I tell you what, they were the best sugar cookies I've ever made.  And maybe it's because I haven't been having too many sweets lately.  But let me tell you what, those suckers were like shots of morphine.  I couldn't leave those things alone.  That's not the end of the sugar cookie story.  In the early afternoon my Mom drove up from Provo to deliver yet another plate of unfrosted sugar cookies with sweet valentines for the each of us.  So sweet of her to drive all the way down.  Then after dinner, my brother and his wife dropped by with a bag filled with not one, but two containers of sugar cookies and frosting from Macey's.  That would make their delivery alone a total of 24 cookies!!!  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  I'm glad to say that the Macey's cookies were not, and still not a temptation to me.  But my cookies, people, it's been a difficult few days. 

Hi, I'm Amberlyn and I'm an addict.  I'm addict to sugar.  I think the reason I did so well for the past few weeks is due to the fact that I had no sugar to speak of in the house.  Now that it's been reintroduced into my little world I find that I have very little, if any at all, self control.  ***sigh*** 

I find comfort in the fact that at my sit down meals I am making super good choices.  Passing on the cheapo hot dogs, opting for the left over whole grain spagetti and fresh fruit.  Eating oat groats for breakfast and drinking water.  It's that darn sugar.  I just need to throw it all out.  I should have.  But I have a husband and children who adore the stuff as well.  But they don't have weight problems.  I do. 

I knew there would be set backs.  But I just never expected it to be so soon.  Maybe by saying(typing) that out loud I was setting myself up for a set back.  Is that even possible?  I was listening to a Dr. this morning on 101.9 whose name is Dr. Matt.  There was a women who called and tried to convince him that she was afraid of success.  He asked her if the more appropriate question to ask was, Are you afraid of failing?  As she thought about it for a moment she said, Yes.  She has negative self talk, which leads to self doubt and then failure.  As I listened to that conversation I realized that I am like that woman in more ways then one.  In the past I was a ton more like her.  The only reason I feel like this time is going to be different is there are no underlying feelings of doubt.  Yes, I might get discouraged, but I am not going to let that get in the way of my success. 

There is a lot more that I could say at this juncture, but then I would just be blabbing.  I will leave my other thoughts for tomorrow.  For they are good ones. 

I am grateful for my body.  The sacred gift that it is.  I am grateful for this journey that I am on.  Change is still happening.  I feel it in the depths of my soul.