Love/ Hate relationships

Generally speaking I love it when Spring arrives.  I love watching the tulips and daffodils push through the frozen ground making hope jump in my heart.  Hope that winter will soon be over with. Hope that the sun will not only be warming my face, but the soil and truly bringing forth those happy happy flowers!  Spring also brings a renewal to garden and prepare the soil and sort out my seeds and start planning how marvelous my garden is going to be.  I always start out with such high hopes and high expectations.

This year the ushering in of spring is bringing a new feeling with it.  A feeling of dread.  Dread of what you ask?  I'm dreading the day when the weather is too warm to wear my beloved sweatshirts.  I will no longer be able to hide the weight that I have gained over the fall and winter months.  I will no longer be able to hide the jiggling at my sides, front and rear.  I always had dreams of coming forth from the winter months a beautiful butterfly.  Instead, I'm just a fattened up caterpillar wondering wear her wings are.  Unlike a caterpillar, eating doesn't produce wings, it just produces roll upon roll. 

I wouldn't take back the spiritual growth that I have made over the fall and winter months.  I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I'm still struggling with the fact that my body had to fatten up in the process.  I always believed that by putting the Lord first everything else would fall into place.  I thought that meant weight would come off, not be packed on.  I guess there is more to it then what I first believed.  I still have to put principles into action.  I can sit idly by doing nothing about my health.  I don't believe that's what the Lord intended. 

My other love/hate relationship right now are photos of me.  Mostly ones taken just a few short years ago.  I wasn't at what the world says is my ideal weight.  But I looked good, and I think I was happy.  It's so hard not to dwell on past self, especially when past self looked good and I didn't acknowledge how happy I truly was in that state.  I still thought I wasn't good enough, thin enough, happy enough.  How sad.  I hope to never take for granted my body.  I want to look at those photos, but I can't.  It hurts too much.  But I can't look of photos of my current self either.  That is just too painful too.  Looking at me in all my chub glory. 

Listen to me, I'm labeling myself.  I'm calling myself chubby, a caterpillar, all nice ways of saying fat.  But is that the truth?  It's true according to the world.  But it's not the TRUTH!  I have to remember to tell myself the truth.  And the truth is that I am a daughter of God who loves me.  He created me in his image.  I have the potential to become like him.  My relationship with God, with my Savior is the only thing that should matter. 

I need to keep putting the Lord first.  By thinking of Him I will continue to feel of his love and receive the promised blessing of His spirit.  His spirit will testify of truth.  And one day, I will believe the truth about my body so strongly that I will want to finally treat it the way it was intended to be treated.  With love.