And the battle wages on

For the most part, my spiritual sugar fast has been a success.  Yesterday I had a bite of cookie dough, and this afternoon I had 4 junior mints.  It has been tremendously helpful in my fight against addiction to open the fridge, have the urge to eat cookie dough and tell myself, "no, I'm fasting."  Like I said, a sort of trick of the mind, but really just a principle that I'm choosing to apply differently.  I am grateful that it's working.  I just have to take it week by week, day by day.  Besides, tomorrow is the weekend when I get to break my fast.

I had a good conversation with a great friend of mine today.  We talked about our continuing journey to overcome our food battles.  She talked about eating by instinct vs. overeating or restrictive eating.  I have had plenty of experience with overeating and restrictive eating.  But the one thing that I so desire to be is an instinctive eater.  That's when you eat when your hungry, eat what you want and stop when you are satisfied, not full, but satisfied.  There is a difference.  This goes along that vision of the person I want to be.  I want to instinctively eat whole grains, fruits and veggies.  It's coming, it really is.  In the process I have to overcome my addiction.  But my friend, as she listened to me explain my experience the other day, suggested that maybe what I am suffering from now is compulsive eating.  Not necessarily an addiction, but compulsion. That was a new idea.  I've never thought of myself as a compulsive eater but as I ponder the meaning of that, maybe I do eat out of compulsion.  I guess it's time to do some more research online.  


Now I am going to really try and listen to what my body is telling me.  Eat when I am hungry, but not starving.  Eat what I really want to eat.  And STOP eating when I am satisfied.  Sounds easy, right?  But when you've never really listened to what your body is telling you, it hard.  Kind of strange, and it feels different.  I think in combination with my fast, and instinctively listening to my body I could really be onto something here.  I'm actually getting butterflies I'm so excited.  

Playing Mind Tricks

This morning I thought about my behavior last night.  I was frustrated with my choice to eat junior mints, cookies, scotcharoos, and cookie dough.  I remember eating them because I was honestly hungry.  I wasn't bored, tired, angry with my husband or children.  It was out of habit, and those foods still taste good in my mouth.  The textures, the sweet, the salty, basically the sugar rush.  But in the end all it really made me feel was tired, sick and useless.  As I thought more about it I realized that I am still allowing fear to control my life.  But what am I afraid of?  As I allowed my thoughts to flow I realized that I am afraid of being fat for the rest of my life.  I am afraid of never overcoming my addiction to sugar/food.  That is a sad reality.  My fear drives me to do the one thing that is keeping me unhealthy, sick and well, fat.  How am I going to overcome this stupid fallen man appetite.  I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own. So I asked myself what can I do to help me, REALLY HELP ME?  As I continued to ponder what I had success with over the last few months, the answer was in fasting.  I successfully completed a 4 day green smoothy fast, and I know I can do a spiritual fast for 24 hours(or close to it).  So I asked myself, what if I did a sugar fast?  The power coming from a FAST.  Including the Lord in my daily life.  When ever I've fasted on fast Sunday and became weak and emotionally drained I'd pray.  I would turn to the Lord for strength.  So here I go getting all churchy on you again.  Today I started a sugar fast.  Whenever I had the urge to go toward cookie dough, or a cookie or junior mints(which are all still in my house), I told myself; No, I'm fasting.  And you know what, it worked.  I haven't had any sweets all day today.  I am allowing faith in the principle of fasting to conquer this day. Yay Me!!  I will give myself a pat on the back.  I think we all have to find that one thing, one strategy, one idea that will help us accomplish our goals and find true success.  Today, beginning a sincere sugar fast, understanding that when it gets too hard I will kneel in prayer and ask for strength that is greater then my own, has given me power.  The hunger is not gone, the urge to binge has not disappeared, the battle still wages on.   A battle that I have faced for most of my adult life.  I hope I don't fall victim to my own demise.  But I wont. 

I went for a 4.23 mile run today.  Holy Cow, it's true.  I can't believe it myself.  It took me a long time to run that distance due to my heart rate training, but it felt GREAT!!  My knees didn't hurt, neither did my feet.  I still felt like I could go longer.  I am putting faith in this heart rate training and praying that my speed will increase and my time will decrease.  It's all about the training.  This training in conjunction with my nutrition(my new found desire to fast from sugar), I hope, is the equation I've been looking for for weight loss.  I'm hoping the weight, if I can be consistent, will begin to fall off.  Weight has NEVER fallen off of me, EVER!!  How can it not?  I am consciously choosing to eat vegetables, green smoothies and fresh fruit.  Who has ever gotten fat off of fruit?  If it comes naturally from the Earth then it was intended for us to eat it.  Yes, that even means bananas!  We'll see if my theory is right. 

Onwards and upwards and hopefully see a few things fall by the wayside.  Like a few(or a lot) of lbs.!!

No Weight Training for Me

Instead of going on a run Friday I opted to go to Cross fit with my Mom.  Although I loved the work out and being with my Mom I just wont be able to lift while training for this1/2 marathon.  I don't lift often enough and tend to get really sore everytime I do any kind of lifting.  I understand how important weight training is, I'm going to have to hold off on this for a while. 

I went on another run this morning and was disappointed with how heavy I felt and how long it took me to run.  I went for 3.2 miles.  Tomorrow I am going to go on a bike ride and try to keep my heart rate within it's proper range.

Of course the one thing that I continue to struggle with is nutrition.  I did much better today and honestly logged my calories on myfitnesspal.  I realize that I still need to eat less in general and eat more vegetables.  I cooked up some quinoa today and plan on adding that to my awesome fresh corn and avacado salad I made.  I ate it with home made whole wheat pita bread.  It was raw, clean and delicious. 

I didn't get rid of all the cookies and treats in my pantry.  Which is a huge mistake.  I am too weak to say no.  I had a scotcharoo after lunch and just couldn't help having a cookie before dinner and another scotcharoo after FHE.  Just empty fatty calories.  I hate admitting that I had these items.  But it's the truth and I need to be honest with myself. 

Tomorrow is going to be better.  I'm like an electric stove top, I take a while to warm up and get going.  Now that I have an exercise plan and goal, my eating with catch up with me.  It usually does, it just take a good week or so to get going.  And this isn't a short change, but a lifetime change.  Sugar and sweets are something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. 

Balance in all things.  Where is my balance?

Heart Rate Training, 2nd run

I went out for my second run today.  I experienced basically the same feelings as the first run.  I went .5 miles longer this time and felt like I could go longer.  I love how this training is not to hard on your body.  As I've gotten older my knees have started to bother me(I'm sure that has a lot to do with the extra weight I'm carrying) and my feet hurt me too.  Before 30 I never suffered from any of the aches and pains.

From what I understand, heart rate training is also a great way to stay within your fat burning zone.  Which for someone trying to lose weight is great information.  In the past I have found that the more I exercise the more I want to eat.  So now the challenge is to snack on fruits and vegetables rather then chips, cookies, or store bought highly processed foods.  Which as we all know, are highly addictive.

I felt like eating something sweet this morning for breakfast, but knew I needed to get in a smoothy.  My solution, a simple Peanut Butter, Banana, and Spinach smoothy with just a little bit of home made (no high-fructose corn syrup)chocolate syrup.  Oh man, it hit the spot beautifully.  Just because I still like to chew on somthing I toasted up a piece of %100 home made whole wheat bread with some home made low-sugar raspberry freezer jam, DELICIOUS!!  Followed up with a tall glass of ice water.  What a perfect start to the day.

I wish I could say the nutrition is coming naturally and easily.  But it's not.  I still ate far too many calories today which included a rice crispy treat from the store and a half of twix bar.  I feel full, prolly too full right now.  I knew that the nutrition would be the difficult part to this training.  Nutrition is something I have always struggled with.

Right now I am reading the Green Smoothies Diet.  It's mostly a lifestyle that is plant based, eating whole foods and staying away from highly processed foods.  I wish this part of my life came more easy.

Feel like More

I know that resting is key to successful training.  But I also feel like I should be doing something every day.  Today I didn't do much of anything except some yoga,stretching, and a few core exercises.  Jumping into this training is a tad bit overwhelming and I'm still trying to find a balance of things I should be doing.  Should I still be strength training or cross training while I am heart rate training?  I guess I need to be doing some more research online.  I want to be successful with this half marathon.  Ugh!!!

Did I mention this is overwhelming?!!

I wanted to share with you my favorite lunch that I've been having.  I figured out the calories on myfitnesspal.com which it ends up being between 330 and 400 calories.  And it is to die for delicious.  My favorite lunch is Whole Wheat Thai Chicken Pita Pizza.

You take:
1 whole wheat pita
Spread 2 TBL Thai Chili Sauce mixed with 1 TBL Adam's Peanut Butter on top of Pita
Sprinkle a thin layer of shredded mozz. Cheese.
Layer a few slices of Roasted Chicken Breast
Next, layer thinly sliced zucchini
Sprinkle on some freshly sliced Green onions
And to finish, add cilantro leaves to taste.  I love cilantro so I add a lot.  If cilantro tastes like soap to you,                           leave it off.  

Place in an oven pre-heated to 425 and cook until gold brown on the edges.  If you have a toaster oven that works, you can you that too!!  You will not be disappointed in this pita pizza!!  My kids even love it.  They request to have it.  Although they don't add the zucchini, something about not loving veggies yet.

ARE YOU CRAZY??!!!

On Friday I got a very interesting phone call from my sweet sister-in-law Brooke.  She challenged me to run a 1/2 marathon with her and her two brothers.  All of which are my husband's siblings.  My first and immediate response was(and I'm not kidding or exaggerating)  " HELL NO!! ".  Never in my whole adult, or adolescent life for that matter have I ever had a desire to run more then a 10k.  I did that a few years ago and it was tough.  Grant it, I ran it without much training, but I did it and it was rewarding.  I stopped running after that.  After that experience it boggled my mind how other people could even entertain the idea of running 13 miles.  My Mom was with me when I got the phone and was disgusted with prospect.  After talking with Brooke some more I asked if I could think about it.  She sent me a link to a training program and while looking at it I felt like this was something I should do.  I don't think it's coincidence that Brooke's call came the day after my fast.  I truly believe that this is something the Lord has thrown in my path on this journey to a healthier me.  I truly believe this will help me become that person I have visualized for the past year.  As I've told people about my new and outrageous goal, the only disappointing response came from my sister.  I was sadden by her lack of support but realized something very important; I'm not doing this for her, or for my Mom.  I'm not doing it for anyone else but me.  And really, it's not about the marathon.  It's about a lifestyle change and the training that it takes to get to the half marathon.
My friend Rich is a trainer and has trained for sprint tris, 1/2 marathons, and iron mans.  He told me that this is something I can do. He suggested that I heart rate train.  Which means I subtract my age from 180.  He also suggested that I use the run-walk-run method, which made a lot of sense to me.  This morning I strapped on a heart rate monitor and went out for my first day of training.  Let me tell you, it felt amazing.  This heart rate training is just what I need.  The goal is to keep my heart rate at 144.  Of course it goes a little high when I run, and that's when I slow to a walk until is goes just below 144 and then I begin to run again.  I went for 3.25 miles and it felt awesome.  I could have gone longer.  But hey, I still don't know what the heck I'm doing.  Again, I'm excited about the training.  I am excited to take back my life and change the way I live permanently.
Rich also told me it is possible to lose weight while training.  Of course, that is a huge hope of mine.  But losing weight comes with proper nutrition.  For me, I want my staples to be vegetables, fruits and whole grains with a little bit of protein.  This is going to be the more difficult part of my change.  But it something that I want badly and it will come.  I need to remember to eat those things that will help me feel light on my feet and good inside.  I know that vegetables are KEY for me.  I know green smoothies will help a ton and eating a lot of green salads.  I'm hoping to share my recipes with you here.
Today was not a super good eating day, but it wasn't horrible either.  I began my day with this Smoothy.

1cup kale
1/3 english cucumber
1 medium carrot- washed but unpeeled
1 orange
5 strawberries -leaves left on
1/2 mango
1/2 cup water
1 cup ice

I didn't add any agave this time, which would have made it taste better.  It was still refreshing and I enjoyed getting full off of a tall glass of cold green goo.

Another habit that I need to kick is eating out.  If I can just lose my desire for El Gallo Giro burritos, or Slab pizza, my life will get a whole lot easier.  But there are many natural man appetites that I have to over come.  Baby steps, I keep telling myself.  Baby steps.  And actually, eating out is probably one of the easier ones especially now that the kids are out of school and it's not so easy to pick up and go to lunch.  I need to take advantage of that.

So there it is.  I'm training to run a 1/2 marathon.  Hello talk about wanting to vomit with fear.  Despite my fear, I know it's do-able.  Wish me luck and if you have any happy thoughts or good advice please leave them.

Oh, and that's the reason for the name change back to Pounding the Pavement.  I'm back to pounding my way to a healthier me.

Successful

Well I managed to successfully fast for 22 hours.  Yes, I am not a complete failure.  There are several things that I love about fasting.  The first and foremost is the fact that I can display some self discipline.  Cuz that's what it takes to fast.  I realize that I am strong enough to not put food into my mouth.  I am strong enough to not eat the sugar.  Another thing that I love about fasting is the feeling of hunger that I get.  For a person who use to eat to numb herself, fasting is a relief.  It's great to feel hunger pains.  And not just smalls ones, but ones that bring me to my knees in humility.  Which brings me to another reason I love to fast.  I realize that I am nothing without the strength of the Lord.  I am weak and consumed by my fallen state.  Without him, this journey will not be possible.  A journey to a permanent lifestyle change.  That is my ultimate goal. I know I talked about goals yesterday.  But in all reality and honesty, a lifestyle change is what I desire most.  A lifestyle change is what will bring the vision of that person I saw yesterday to fruition.  I want to be that person more then words can express.  How hard am I willing to work for that?  Hard enough to fast on a Tuesday. 

Another hopeful strategy was brought to my attention today.  And that is to simply reduce the portions that I eat.  I thought I was doing pretty good at this.  When the kids set the table I insist on having a small plate.  It thinks it's a brilliant strategy.  It just wont work if I'm snacking on foods just before dinner.  Which, I must confess, is a huge bad habit of mine.  That habit is one that I want to change.  In March I stopped snacking while preparing dinner.  I think the reason for that was a green smoothy.  I was making myself a peanut butter and banana with spinach smoothy at about 3pm.  It would satisfy my sweet tooth, and soothed my hunger while preparing dinner.  I think I need to go back to that.  I also try and drink water, ice water.  I love ice water.  Nothing is more refreshing. 

I also successfully logged my calories for the day.  I didn't work out due to the fasting.  I did work my butt off scrubbing showers and tubs.  Does that count if I got sweaty? 

My favorite thing I ate today was a whole wheat thai chicken pita pizza!!  Oh My GOODNESS  it was delicious.  Want to know what was on it? 

I took my thai chili sauce and added some Adam's Peanut Butter to eat and used that as the base.  Then I sprinkled a little bit of Mozzarella cheese on top of that.  Then I put some roasted chicken, like 4 slices, then I put some sliced raw zucchini next, and for the grand finale I put thinly slice green onions and fresh cilantro!  Can you say heaven on a whole wheat pita!!  Let me tell you how many calories was in one... 331.  Not bad right?  And it's worth every stinking calorie too!!  I drank a cherry coke zero with it.  Just couldn't control myself with that one.  And it was worth every burning gulp!!  

Vision of the Future

So let me begin by saying that I am still fat.  I didn't complete my 30 day sugar fast.  Just one more thing/goal that I can check off the list of things that I've failed at.  That's why I am no longer going to set goals like that.  I need to be setting realistic goals.  Like losing 5lbs a month goals and logging my calories for 90 days.  

Let me continue by saying that I too, am still addicted to sugar.  My hospital stays were a wake up call and I stopped eating sugar for a good 3 months. It was amazing and my body felt so much better.  As time went on and as I began to feel better I justified buying a few things here and there.  I still don't buy candy for myself everytime I step foot into a store.  I still glance at the mini-caramels and utah's own chocolates.  But I just tell myself NO.  In addition to that I have to confess that I still drink a diet coke every now and then.  I guess you'd call me a social drinker.  I don't go out to the local gas station at lunch any more and get me a 32 ouncer.  Although that urge was ooober strong today.  I just get one when I'm out to lunch with friends.  Which, now that summer is out is not very often. 

All these things contribute to my current state.  Still Fat.  Which I am no longer satisfied with.  I know, I KNOW, you've heard this sob story from me before.  And I always begin something and NEVER finish it.  Hence the failure complex that I have.  Well, that all stops here.  I'm tired of my pants fitting to snuggly.  I refuse to go a size larger and so now is the day that I begin the rest of my life.  I'm not waiting till next Monday.  Today is the day. 

While getting ready for the day, which was at 2:30pm this afternoon.  I had already hiked the Y, fixed breakfast, supervised the de-cluttering and washing of walls and baseboards, made bread, in addition to all the other daily and summer chores that I insisted on getting done.  2:30pm was the earliest I  could bath and clean up.  That's been a trend this summer.  Anyway, I digress.  Whilst getting ready for the day I was thinking about a vision of the person and self that I so desperately want to be.  What is that person I'm sure you are dying to know.  Well, I want to be someone who naturally turns to whole grains, fruits, salads and vegetables.  I want to be someone who loves to be active all year round, hiking, biking, jogging, walking, gardening, playing with my kids.  I don't want to struggle with sugar anymore.  i don't want that substance to rule my life anymore.  I've had it.  Kaput, finished, end of the road for that way of living.  I want to eat clean and be light on my feet.  Is that so much to ask for?  With an addiction like mine, it seems just out of my reach.  But it's not.  I know that I am determined enough and my desire is strong enough, finally, to do something about it.  To change my life so I can be that person I saw in my vision today.  Hello, I'm starting on a Tuesday, not a Monday.  That's just cra cra.

I realize that I am a very weak person.  So weak that I can not do this journey on my own.  I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that I need help.   The one person that I am turning to is the Lord.  I began a fast this afternoon after lunch.  That's how serious I am about changing my life.  Fasting on a Tuesday?  I have had it with how I feel and the way my body is functioning.  It's just not good enough for me. 

I understand that there can not be change without a plan, without goals.  I know I've made about a gazillion goals since the start of this blog.  In the past some of the goals were made for the wrong reasons and ended up hurting my spirit.  That changes today as well.

1. My long long term goal is to lose 30lbs by my birthday.  That gives me 8 months.

2. A long/short term goal is to track what I eat/calories for 90 days.  Even on the weekend no matter how outrageous my eating gets.  This will get me through the summer.

3.  My short term goal is to lose 5lbs by July 24th, Pioneer day.

4. One last short term goal, exercise at least 5 times a week.  

I know that tracking calories is the key to my success.  I also know that cutting out sugar will be key to my success as well.  My goal to combat the sugar is to not purchase any candy to still be lingering around the house on week days.  I think I am going to try and just have desserts on Saturday and Sunday nights.  I am going to insist that no cookies be made for the next 90 days.  We can all do better at not eating so much sugar.  So fresh fruit here we come. 

I feel good.  I know that change is coming.  It's been heading my way for a really long long time now.  Too long as a matter of fact. 

I am stronger then I believe I am.