Vision of the Future

So let me begin by saying that I am still fat.  I didn't complete my 30 day sugar fast.  Just one more thing/goal that I can check off the list of things that I've failed at.  That's why I am no longer going to set goals like that.  I need to be setting realistic goals.  Like losing 5lbs a month goals and logging my calories for 90 days.  

Let me continue by saying that I too, am still addicted to sugar.  My hospital stays were a wake up call and I stopped eating sugar for a good 3 months. It was amazing and my body felt so much better.  As time went on and as I began to feel better I justified buying a few things here and there.  I still don't buy candy for myself everytime I step foot into a store.  I still glance at the mini-caramels and utah's own chocolates.  But I just tell myself NO.  In addition to that I have to confess that I still drink a diet coke every now and then.  I guess you'd call me a social drinker.  I don't go out to the local gas station at lunch any more and get me a 32 ouncer.  Although that urge was ooober strong today.  I just get one when I'm out to lunch with friends.  Which, now that summer is out is not very often. 

All these things contribute to my current state.  Still Fat.  Which I am no longer satisfied with.  I know, I KNOW, you've heard this sob story from me before.  And I always begin something and NEVER finish it.  Hence the failure complex that I have.  Well, that all stops here.  I'm tired of my pants fitting to snuggly.  I refuse to go a size larger and so now is the day that I begin the rest of my life.  I'm not waiting till next Monday.  Today is the day. 

While getting ready for the day, which was at 2:30pm this afternoon.  I had already hiked the Y, fixed breakfast, supervised the de-cluttering and washing of walls and baseboards, made bread, in addition to all the other daily and summer chores that I insisted on getting done.  2:30pm was the earliest I  could bath and clean up.  That's been a trend this summer.  Anyway, I digress.  Whilst getting ready for the day I was thinking about a vision of the person and self that I so desperately want to be.  What is that person I'm sure you are dying to know.  Well, I want to be someone who naturally turns to whole grains, fruits, salads and vegetables.  I want to be someone who loves to be active all year round, hiking, biking, jogging, walking, gardening, playing with my kids.  I don't want to struggle with sugar anymore.  i don't want that substance to rule my life anymore.  I've had it.  Kaput, finished, end of the road for that way of living.  I want to eat clean and be light on my feet.  Is that so much to ask for?  With an addiction like mine, it seems just out of my reach.  But it's not.  I know that I am determined enough and my desire is strong enough, finally, to do something about it.  To change my life so I can be that person I saw in my vision today.  Hello, I'm starting on a Tuesday, not a Monday.  That's just cra cra.

I realize that I am a very weak person.  So weak that I can not do this journey on my own.  I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that I need help.   The one person that I am turning to is the Lord.  I began a fast this afternoon after lunch.  That's how serious I am about changing my life.  Fasting on a Tuesday?  I have had it with how I feel and the way my body is functioning.  It's just not good enough for me. 

I understand that there can not be change without a plan, without goals.  I know I've made about a gazillion goals since the start of this blog.  In the past some of the goals were made for the wrong reasons and ended up hurting my spirit.  That changes today as well.

1. My long long term goal is to lose 30lbs by my birthday.  That gives me 8 months.

2. A long/short term goal is to track what I eat/calories for 90 days.  Even on the weekend no matter how outrageous my eating gets.  This will get me through the summer.

3.  My short term goal is to lose 5lbs by July 24th, Pioneer day.

4. One last short term goal, exercise at least 5 times a week.  

I know that tracking calories is the key to my success.  I also know that cutting out sugar will be key to my success as well.  My goal to combat the sugar is to not purchase any candy to still be lingering around the house on week days.  I think I am going to try and just have desserts on Saturday and Sunday nights.  I am going to insist that no cookies be made for the next 90 days.  We can all do better at not eating so much sugar.  So fresh fruit here we come. 

I feel good.  I know that change is coming.  It's been heading my way for a really long long time now.  Too long as a matter of fact. 

I am stronger then I believe I am.