Sunday, February 12, 2017

I've got a dream

I wish I could say that life has gotten better since I last wrote.  But alas, the exact opposite has happened.  My Mom's cancer has spread to her spine and back.  After receiving such devastating news I ate my way through my emotions.  Numbing the reality that my Mom had gotten worse and probably has just 6 months to live.  As I consumed those foods my body fell into greater disrepair.  My foot hurt more, I felt sick, I was tired, and I found it hard to care for my family as well as spend 2 days out of the week helping my Mom.  I was going against everything the Lord had asked me to do too.  I had received some pretty amazing answer to prayer and I turned my back on everything.  I am ashamed of my behavior.  But I am grateful that I only let it go on for a few weeks instead of several months.  Sometimes it lasts a lot longer.  I know what I have to do.  I have heard and read a few things recently that have helped me to get my motivation and determination back.

First:  I was listening to the radio about they were discussing the topic of reaching your dreams.  The gentlemen said something very profound.  I've heard it before but it just supports everything that the Lord has been trying to tell me, "You have to work harder then you've ever worked before. You have to work at achieving your dream every single day."  The Lord has told me that I am not working hard enough on myself.  This brief statement that I heard felt like a reminder from the Lord that I need to get back to work and work harder then I've ever worked before to make my dream of living the Healthiest Life come true.  Its going to be uncomfortable.  Its going to take a lot of time and preparation.  Its going to take a lot of personal sacrifice.  Its going to take a lot of faith and believing in myself like I've never believed before.

Second:I've been engaged in this Medical Medium book for a few weeks now.  Yesterday I felt prompted to revisit the section on stress.  This is what it said:

View stress as a messenger.  What is the stress telling you?  That you're needed on this planet, that you're useful, that you have a purpose.  If you are stressed out to the max, if you fell up against it, like pressure is coming at you from every direction, then you are on the frontiers of purpose -- you have a purpose-plus.  Purpose-plus means you are engaged on the next level above ordinary living, that you truly touch others with your life.  And that demands a lot from you.  Stress is not trying to kill you.  It's a master teacher that is trying to communicate with you.  It's trying to test you, though it's not about any sort of score.  Just being chosen for this test makes you instantly successful.  The world is becoming something new and different...  Rather than looking at stress as an invader, understand that stress is preparing you to be a master.  Say hello to stress.  Recognize it as a familiar face, someone you are about, and look it in the eye.  Greet stress as your great mentor.  Feel almost sorry for stress.  After all, you will move past it, rise above it, succeed it -- you'll leave it behind.  When dealing with stress, its key to remember this impermanence.  No matter what, all things change.  Nothing will stay the same.  In the moment when stress is pushing you pas your capacity, when you feel in dire need of relief, remind yourself that it will not last.  Staying sane is less about managing stress and more about interacting with it.  Instead of trying to fight against stress, communicate with it.  Even consider letting stress reside at your address.  Welcome it to your table.  Break bread with stress.  Acknowledge it as you drink your warm bowl of soup with stress beside you, offering it honor and respect, as though it's a coach who has moed in to get you into prime shape. The approach of seeing stress as a messenger, friend, teacher, mentor, body worker, and a coach makes stress less stressful. It is a powerful technique to help us grow and adapt to the challenges of our time.  -- Anthony William

This spoke volumes to my soul.  I am very stressed out with having to help care for my mom, worrying about Jaren on a mission, my calling as Secretary in the Young Women's, and taking care of my own family and home.  This helped me realize that my life has purpose, that I am needed and that I have a lot to give to those around me. I need to figure out what stress is trying to tell me.  I need to listen to its message, understand it, and move past it.

Third: I am battling inflammation.  Which is causing my food to ache and my body to gain weight.

To combat this, I am focusing on foods and herbs that help to reduce the inflammation in my body.  The foods that I need to be eating go hand in hand with the foods that Anthony Michael talks about in his medical medium book.  I will be creating my meals around these foods.  I am praying that this will help my foot to heal, and the rest of my body to start losing weight.  After all, that is my dream.

My dream is to wake up and not have to struggle with food.  To find peace with food.  To naturally reach for foods that are healing, supportive and bring me joy and true comfort. My dream is to be able to walk into a store and not be overwhelmed by the urge to purchase soda and sweets.  My dream is to be happy in my skin and feel attractive and comfortable in my clothes.  To achieve these goals I am going to have to work harder, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Building a Firm Foundation

This past week I finally went to the Dr. about my foot.  I reached out to my neighbor who is a chiropracter/holistic dr.  I was just tired of my foot hurting and feeling like it was holding me back.  The pain aches so much sometimes its hard to even do daily house chores.  I just want to sit and rest it all day long.  But I can't do that forever.  So I prayed about it and was prompted to reach out to Bro. Massamini.
In our e-mail thread he asked me to think about what type of message my body was trying to send me through my feet hurting.  Weird, I know.  But as I thought about what he said and the questions he had me ask myself and the Lord, it made sense.  Some of the things he mentioned were my foundation.  My Mom has always been a strong foundation for me in raising my children, relying on her for advice, to watch my kids, to give me relief when life seemed to hard to handle.  Now, she has cancer and can't be that rock for me. He suggested maybe I need to ask myself if the Savior is my foundation.  He will be there when my Mom no longer is.  I was a little put off by that because I felt like my foundation in my Savior is pretty strong.  Especially since I've been devoting my morning to study and pondering.  Alas, I took his counsel and started to ask.

Bro. Massamini came over and looked at my foot.  I don't have plantar faciitis, but possibly a bone spur.  I went to his office the next morning to get an x-ray done of my foot.  There still was no clear evidence of a bone spur, slight calcification but nothing serious.   No resolve for my foot.  Then he x-rayed my pelvis and lower back.  Low and behold my pelvis is tilted down to the right by 16 milimeters and to compensate my spine is curved.  I have scoliosis.  Yay me.  Bro. M kept referring to my core as my foundation.  There is a lot of work to be done to make that foundation stronger.  He told me I had to stop all exercise, even Yoga.  GASP!!  What?!!  Yoga was my last resort since I couldn't do any kind of cardio, not even walking!  My life, it felt like it was coming to an end.  I know, I'm being dramatic, but what ev's.  It felt devastating.  He gave me a shoe lift to equalize my pelvis.  I have to slowly raise it.  Then I have to do core exercises to help straighten and strengthen my spine.  100 a day, yay me!!

Bro. M said that my body is under a lot of stress with my spine being in the condition its in.  Which leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.  So its no small miracle that I have stayed as stable as I have over the years.

As I was showering on Sunday this thought of foundations kept running through my mind.  Christ being my spiritual foundation.  Then the spirit whispered to my mind, "you also need to strengthen your health foundation through food, and your physical foundation through your core."  WOW!!  I felt like the Lord had just given me permission to not exercise so I could focus solely on building up my foundations. Preparing for an unknown, shaky, tumultuous future?  Who knows.  All I know is that I need to straight way be obedient.  I know what's its like to not be obedient.  And its not pretty, its not fun, and life is more challenging. I felt a overwhelming feeling of Love from my Heavenly Father for giving me such clear direction for my life.

Almost the very next day I wanted to give it all up.  Why?  My brain and body told me that what the Lord was asking of me was going to be too difficult.  In the past I have listened to my brain and my body and given up, wasn't obedient, reverted back to what was comfortable.  Look where that's gotten me, overweight, unhealthy and seeking for something better.

Its no coincidence that this revelation came after understanding how important work is in my own life.  I now have something of value to work towards.  Something that is going to really truly be life changing for me.  That is WORKING on my FOUNDATIONS!  I can not be afraid of the work that its going to take to strengthen those foundations.  After I have build my foundations stronger, then I can start to add more things.  With my spiritual foundation, I'll be able to withstand and storm or tempest that comes my way.  With my food foundation, I will have habits that will help me through the rest of my life being able to once and for all overcome weakness towards food.  With my physical foundation, I'll be able to add in coardio, serve with greater ferver, live my life to my truest potential.  Yes, I am going to have to work.  But the end result is exciting!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Overcoming Fear with Faith

The other day I was researching this topic of  Fear vs Faith and came upon this great talk given by Gregory Clark at a BYU Devotional.  I had been searching for the root of my fear.  What was causing me to fear so much.  I wanted to put a face to it so I could fight it head on.  This is what he said about the source of fear:
"What is the source of fear? I think it is rooted in the assumption (one that comes all too easily to me if I am not paying attention) that I must solve all my problems and face all my challenges alone, using my own resources. That is frightening, because deep in my heart I know how limited those resources are. So when I am fearful, I am also hopeless. And without hope, I find myself paralyzed. Knowing that I am not capable of changing myself or my circumstances for the better, I stand frozen in fear.
That fear is a failure of faith."
That explains my fear exactly.  That I have to overcome being overweight by myself and that I'm not strong enough to do so.  That is a paralyzing fear!  It has stopped me in my tracks more often then I'd like to admit to.  Changing myself(which is my nature) and changing my own circumstances are the two things I desire most in this world and what I'm most afraid that I wont be able to achieve. 
So how do we overcome that fear?  Well, Bro. Clark tell us:
"The ject of our faith—that which we have faith in—is the capacity of the Savior’s Atonement to bless us, to heal us, to enable us to act beyond our abilities
As I have thought about this, I have begun to think that faith might well be the path that the power of the Atonement must travel if it is to transform our lives. It may be only in the moments when I am filled with faith, crowding out my fears, that I make myself available to the healing and enabling power of the Atonement. It may be only then that I can be comforted, restored, and made able to overcome my problems and to change for the better. Put another way, it may be that acting in faith to keep our covenants, sometimes directly in the face of fear, is the very transformation of our souls that the Atonement promises."
So, there it is.  Faith is the remedy for fear.  Even though at times we are uncertain about our faith, we have to remember those times in which the Lord has been there by our sides and rely on those memories and push forward until we receive and answer to prayer, or the strength to overcome weakness. But who knows how long that may take.  But that is the trial of our faith, right?  To push through even though we feel as though we aren't being heard, or change isn't happening.  We have to be faithful in living the principles of the gospel, prayer, daily scripture study, service to others, attending the Temple.  All these seemingly simple tasks will crowd out fear and help us to change. Although if I'm being honest with myself, service and attending the Temple do take time and effort.  But the more we give to the Lord, in faith, the more he will give back to us.  Sometimes I think we have to prove ourselves to God.  He will never forsake us.  But if we truly want to change, I mean sincerely change, don't we have to prove to God that we want that change enough that we are willing, at all cost, to do those simple tasks, EVERY SINGLE day.  Then I have to remind myself that this life is about learning to be like Christ.  We aren't asked to be perfect.  So if we miss a day here or there are we doomed?  No, of course not.  But I testify that the more consistently I study and prayer, the better my life is and the easier it is to make the right choices.  Even my food choices become easier because I want to be closer to God and what I eat either draws me closer to him, or further from him numbing my feelings to the spirit.  Its amazing how our bodies are so intricately connected with our spirits. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

To Thine Own Self Be True

This past week I have been thinking a lot about honesty and fear.  Jaren wrote home and talked about how one of the things that he was going to focus on this year was being more honest with himself and with God.  Little did I know that too, would be a theme for myself.  I am currently working through the Recovery Program of the LDS church.  It is an amazing program which I have used in the past and was life changing for me. I really became a different, happier, full of joy person.  This week I am on step 4 which is the step where you have to be honest with yourself and take inventory of all your behaviors, good, bad and the ugly.

First let me address being honest.  In my attempts to lose weight I've tried to convince myself that I was trying my hardest and it was because of something or someone else that I wasn't being successful.  But that's not true.  I wasn't trying my hardest.  I wasn't working hard enough and wasn't dedicating myself to the principles I had learned and biggest of all I didn't follow through with spiritual promptings, answers to sincere prayer.  About 3 years ago I asked Heavenly Father what foods were the most dangerous to my health.  He brought to my memory a talk I had listened to at Education Week by Merilee Boyack.  She talked about taking 10 foods out of her diet.  After following through with her spiritual prompting for a year, she didn't lose weight.  But her body was healthy enough to fight off cancer that she was diagnosed with.  The spirit then prompted me to contact her through facebook and ask her what those 10 foods were.  I thought that's crazy, but I'll do it.  And she responded within 15 minutes.  The Lord had answered by prayer!  Did I head that answer and stop eating those 10 foods?  I should have.  But I went the complete opposite.  I binged big time on those foods.  It was a weird switch that went off in my head.  I can't even explain it.  Fear maybe.  Over the past 2 years I have gained 20lbs.  I feel strongly that is a direct result of not listening and being obedient to my loving Heavenly Father.  He knew what was in store for me.  He knew the challenges I would be facing today. From sending Jaren on a mission, to my own mother being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and suffering from plantar fasciitis. Up until a few months ago I blamed everything and everyone else for my weight gain except myself.  I was after all doing everything I was suppose to be doing.  But in fact I wasn't.  As I reflect on the past 3 years I can see clearly those brief moments in time when I truly was working hard and doing what God asked me to do, I was successful.  Compared to those times when I tried to pull the wool over my eyes and tell myself that nothing works and I am just suppose to be overweight for the rest of my life.

This change that I desire requires WORK!!  I am going to have to give %110 if I want to be successful this year and changing my nature.  I have to be %110 honest with myself in the efforts and work that I am putting forth to make that change happen.  That is where fear comes in.

I have, for too long, allowed fear to control my thoughts and my actions.  Exactly what am I afraid of, I don't know.  Maybe I am afraid of the work, that its going to be too hard and that I am going to fail. Am I afraid to fail?  Of course I am.  That is the norm for me.  I start something, do it for a few weeks, maybe a month, see results, get sucked in by some faceless fear and revert back to old, terrible habits.  But WHY?  What is this fear that is preventing me from progressing.  I have to put a name, a face to this deep rooted fear.  I have to know what it is that I am up against so I can put all my energy and work into overcoming it.  What other fears do I have right now?  I am so afraid of being overweight for the rest of my life.  I am afraid that my weight is going to hold me back from living my true potential.  I am afraid that my husband will no longer find me attractive and... I can't even finish that thought because its too devastating for me to finish. I am afraid I will never find peace when it comes to food.  That food will dominate my thoughts and actions for the rest of my life and that is depressing and crushing.  So, how do I overcome fear?  With Faith.

Faith is stronger then fear.  Where do I lay my faith?  In all the principles and revelations that God has given to me over the past few years.  Staying away from the 10 most dangerous foods to my health.  Eating a whole food, plant based diet with lean meats.  Focusing on service.  Serving my family, in my calling, as a visiting teacher, in the Temple.  Living the celestial law of early to bed and early to rise.  Now I can add to that list, the principle of WORK!!  Faith is an action.  I have to start working at these principles for the process to make real changes.  Its in the process that change happens.  The process wont work if I don't work at living the principles.  Living the principles is the process.  I have to trust God and do his will for me.  That too, is scary.  What if God's will is something too difficult for me to accomplish?  God asks us all the time to do hard things.  What if I'm not strong enough?  I have to remind myself that all things are possible through Christ, Jesus.

Of course this journey, this process is going to cause me to be uncomfortable.  To do hard things.  To overcome self doubt, and negative self talk.  This process is going to be hard and full of work.  Am I willing to face that challenge? You bet, head on armed with the proper principles and the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who want me to be happy and successful.

Here's to be honest with myself and overcoming fear!


Monday, January 2, 2017

Failure to Plan is a Plan to Fail

Well, its been a long while since I documented anything here.  Its been a rough year and a half since I last posted.  I'm finally in a place again where I am ready for change.  Not the kind of change that is fleeting, but change that is permanent.  I joined a few health challenges on facebook which have helped teach me a few principles to live by.  I wanted to start writing down my thoughts, my struggles, my goals, and yes maybe even some successes.

Since it is the second day of 2017 I thought I'd take the time to list all the principles I would like to implement in my life.  Also taking the time to document my goals.  I have one big goal for 2017 which I will break down into 3 month or 90 day short term goals.  Each month I am going to focus on one weakness to overcome, or habit to change and one whole grain to experiment cooking with.

Principle #1:  Make a Food Plan
A food plan is my food commandments.  Things that I promise myself that I will always do and never do when it comes to food.  I will be faithful to my food commandments like I'm faithful to my husband.  Making a food plan helps sets clear boundaries when it comes to making daily choices. I can review and revise my food plan at anytime.  If I am not faithful to my food plan, I will not look back and simply resume following it the very next meal.

My Nevers
1. I will Never eat anything off of my dirty foods list:
Shakes/Ice Cream
French Fries
White Anything(bread, tortillas, rice, pasta)

2. I will Never eat after 8pm

3. I will Never purchase anything from the dirty foods list while I'm shopping at the store

4.  I will Never buy sodas from the gas station

5. I will Never turn to food for comfort.

My Always
1. I will always eat just 3 times a day

2. I will always drink 2 cups of water before each meal

3. I will always eat a salad with either lunch or dinner

4. I will wake up early in the morning for personal study and exercise

5. I will always end my day in prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for his blessings

My Unconditionals
1. I can eat as many vegetables, fruits and whole grains as I want

2. I can drink as much water as I want, infused or with crystal light

My conditionals
1. Only on Sundays can I have a dirty dessert
2. When at a social function I can have 3 bites of any one thing
3. Only on my birthday can I have dessert.  There are too many other birthdays to eat a full plate.
4. Only on my birthday can I eat out and eat whatever I want, ONE TIME!

Principle #2: Meal Plan & Prep for the Week
I love the quote, Failure to plan is a plan to fail.  I am learning that success in weight loss or changing your life in any way takes planning.  And planning takes time.  But the time you put into planning is the key to success.  This year I am going to figure out a good schedule to sit down to make my plan for the week, purchase the food, and prep the food.   I've always planned my meals for the week.  That helps me with my grocery shopping and sticking to a budget.  But incorporating food prep is tricky.  I've never been good at that, but that too is planning for the week ahead which is one step closer to success.  Right now my thinking is this:
Thursday- Meal Plan
Friday-Purchase the Food
Saturday- Food Prep

Principle #3:  Keep a Food and Pig Squeal Journal
In my food journal I will make daily commitments.  I'm finding that if I daily commit to what I'm going to eat and try to predict what the pig is going to squeal I am far more successful.  This is another form of planning.  This is also helping with focused discipline rather then sheer will power.  There is a difference and this principle will help with that.  I will then at the end of the day record how I did, my thoughts towards the pig's squeal, how I found comfort somewhere other then with food.  This will also help me to keep my pig caged.

Principle #4: Rising Early and going to Bed early
I use to get up before my kids when they were in elementary school and even Jr. High.  But as the kids got older it was harder to wake up and have that time to myself.  After this last health challenge I realized that time in the morning was to precious to be giving up. Now I get up at 5:15 to do personal scripture study and yoga.  It has been a game changer for me!  I have noticed that I am happier towards others, I have more energy during the day, and life is just better.  Plus Heavenly Father confirmed to me several years ago at Education Week that this is a Celestial Principle. One that we will have to live by in the Celestial Kingdom.  Why not practice it right now.

Principle #5: Service
I need to be serving more in all areas of my life.  I need to be serving my family more.  I need to be serving more in my calling as Secretary in the YW's and as a Visiting Teacher.  I also need to be serving more in the Temple.  All this service will help to take focus off of me and put focus on my Savior.  My Savior is the one who will grant me the strength to overcome my weakness towards emotional eating.  Without Him I am nothing, with Him all things are possible.

My Why's
In all the challenges I have come across in 2016 they have you list your Why's.  Why do you want to change your life?  Why do you want to lose weight?  Why do you want a healthier life?  Here are my Why's:
I want to be able to serve a mission with my Husband in the future.  I don't want to be held back by        physical limitations or my weight.
I want to be happy living in my own skin.
I want the freedom to be able to do anything, go anywhere, be who I want to be in my body
I want freedom from emotional eating.  I'm tired of food making me feel like crap.  I'm tired of food
   making me sick, slow, and sluggish.
I want to eat in such a way that it heals me.  I want what I eat to give me energy, give me confidence,    help me battle depression, help me find my ideal body weight.
I want new, healthy habits to dictate my life.

One Big Goal for 2017
Lose 50lbs by December 1

90 day Goal for January to March
In 90 days I will lose 15lbs
In 90 days I will not drink soda

30 Day Goal for January
For the Month of January I will Lose 5lbs
For the Month of January I will practice cooking with Quinoa
For the Month of January I will replace soda with water, infused water and crystal light
For the Month of January I will find replacements for my trigger foods

Here's to an amazing 2017!!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

This week I started a workout challenge and a nutrition program.  I was better this week then I was last week.  There is a fire burning under my buns that has made my desire to change strong and bright.  I don't have a desire to cheat on my eating.  I wake up every day determined to get my exercise in, even on holidays and mornings that I am just exhausted.  My body is sore, but my emotions are extatic.  At the same time that I feel out of shape, I have a sense of accomplishment when I finish a workout.  I feel clean and empty when I go to bed at night, not heavy and sick.  I have stopped drinking so much soda.  After this week I'm more excited then I was last week to start my second week.  I have 90 days to complete this challenge.  I cannot wait to find out what my body is going to look like after that time frame.  I know its only been one week, but its been ONE WEEK!!  I haven't been this successful in a long time!  I am so grateful for the feelings that are surging through my body.  So different from just a few weeks ago.  I have hope.  Hope that this time will be the time that I made the changes that I have wanted for years!  Its not easy, but man, every sweat that drips down my face is worth it!  The ache in my body when I wake up tells me I'm doing the work that needs to be done.  

Here is a photo of me after a particularly intense workout.  Bright red face, sweat dripping down my chest and face.  Grose, I know, but proof that I am pushing my body.  The second photo is on the 7th day, rest day.  No sweat, just me on the only day of the week when I wear makeup.  

So excited to for Day 8!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


As the weeks have gone on, my resolve to be a better person, leading a healthier life has strengthened.  My efforts haven't been 100%, but I'm not required to be perfect.  My efforts are a good 85% better.  I've stopped purchasing sodas twice a day, stopped purchasing treats when I enter the store, and stopped eating out so often.  Yes, all of these are bad habits.
As I step into the store, the urge to pick up a treat is extremely strong.  Then I remember that this particular habit is one of the main reasons why I am where I am today.  Its taken strength not of my own, to overcome these urges.  I know that we all struggle with different weaknesses.  I accept this as one of mine, and it is a difficult one to overcome.  I am grateful that I have recognized it so that I can improve.

Last week I visited with a good friend who has been successful in losing some weight.  She e-mailed me a photo of her eating plan.  It is detailed and there is no guess work on my part.  I do so much better when someone tells me exactly what I need to do.  I started following it yesterday.  I understand that nutrition will be the key to my success.  The eating program is simple to follow and not restrictive.  I roasted but several chicken breast to quickly pull out of the fridge.  I also roasted some sweet potatoes.    I am trying to not eat any bread or rice after lunch.  Instead I am replacing those carbs with other complex carbs.  I know its only been not even two days, but I feel successful.  Last night I went to a play up at Sundance.  I was there quite early and I brought my dinner with me.  I ate by myself and felt amazed at myself for being so disciplined.  I know its this type of behavior that is going to help me to lose weight.

Yesterday I also started an exercise challenge.  I HATE the name of it.  But I am determined to follow through with it.  Its free, found on YouTube.  Its called Bikini Mama 90 Day Challenge.  I will NEVER wear a bikini.  Not even if I shed a thousand pounds and a flat tummy.  Still, I am excited about the challenge.  I feel out of shape.  But so excited about the prospect for change.  The woman doing it does it in real time.  Along with my nutrition I feel as though this is the path that will lead me to great success.  The workouts are just 20 minutes long.  I will be doing other cardio on top of these workouts.  Like I mentioned, my resolve is strong.

I am also trying to drink a gallon of water a day.  This is helping me to kick my soda problem.  I haven't finished a full drink in over a week.  I know drinking water helps me in other ways.

With all these changes I am beginning to feel better about myself.  I am thrilled with the prospect that just a few weeks will do for me.  After 90 days, 3 months?  I get butterflies in my stomach.