Why?

Why is it that food has to be so good and desirable. I wish I had the self-discipline to refuse to eat when tempted, or hungry, or stressed, or hormonal. I like to blame this new go around of failures on hormones. I hate being on my period. I get bloated, sad, and want to eat like a cow! Or is this just another excuse for my bad eating habits. I guess it could be. But, I generally do much better during other times of the month. I'm just disappointed in myself for failing once again. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Goodness, weight loss is such an emotional roller coaster, it's simply maddening!! I've been trying to do the usual u-turn. I end up just going around in circles.

So I sit, trying to write through my thoughts and feelings. I want to be successful in my endeavor and I hate to revert back to such bad habits. I guess we are not with out our failings.

I've missed watching the Biggest Loser. There is always something said that is so empowering to me. This time it was this quote, "They realized their dream and worked to achieve it." My dream is to finally lose my last 20lbs. I am willing to stick to counting calories until my kids get out of school to reach my goal. I have to, I must, nothings going to get in my way. Yes, I will have set backs like yesterday and today. But tomorrow is a new day. I have a new determination and desire to continue down my path. Yes, it's going to be hard and tiring. But it's going to be so worth it in the end.

We all have bad days, and sometimes those days might pile up. But all is never lost. Thank goodness for forgiveness and the hope of a new day.

Friday Pants update week 4 & 5

I know I haven't been diligent in writing. I have been diligent in my journey to lose 20lbs. That 3rd week was such a rough week for me. But I didn't let it get me down. I did end up losing 1lb in my 4th week which didn't really have much effect on me. This last Thursday I stepped on the wii fit board and found out that I lost 2.2lbs. Holy Crap that was exciting!! And just the motivation I needed to keep on the path. Motivation is such a powerful thing. It really helped me this Friday and Saturday to do so much better with my eating. I realized that what I was doing was finally working and I didn't want to screw it all up. Plus, when I put on my Friday pants, they fit a little better. I took pictures of me again and compared them to the first week and there are definate changes going on. What encouragment.

I am surviving my birthday week. I haven't gone out of control. It's been easy to eat less and make better choices. Which is what I want to do permanently.

I hope for another good week with at least another pound down!!!

Still no change on the scale

I quickly stepped on the scale this morning at the gym. I was sad to see the same number but relieved that it didn't go up. At some point on this journey the scale has to go down. On a happier note I am noticing some changes in my body. My upper legs are getting more toned due to spin class, and I think my gut might be going down as well. I'm not giving up and I'm going to continue to get up at 4:45am to go to the gym. Losing weight causes me to be cranky. I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does. There's just no way around pain, exhaustion, and hunger pains. I wish there was, but I think it's just part of the process. Through it all I become so aware of my body, down to the tiniest of muscles. I just wish I could do it with the crank. I will just continue to pray for strength and energy. Pray for little miracles during the day.

Yesterday I rewarded myself with a york peppermint paddy. I really needed it and so I gave it to myself. I think that helped to not completely sabotage myself. I was careful the rest of the day and had an amazing dinner of pf chang chicken wraps. Home made of course. And they were truly AMAZING!!! I just turned it into a salad. I add zucchini to the mix and that added so much more nutrition to the meal. Yesterday morning I also made zucchini whole wheat waffles for the kids for breakfast. I even ate two squares because they were so healthy. It's been so much fun making my meals with a healthy twist. Finding ways to sneak in veggies into my kids diet has been fun and challenging too! I hope to make it a permanent strategy.

A note and kind words

This morning I was busy getting the kids breakfast. A lot of things go unnoticed sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life. As I went to clear a spot at the table I noticed my journal that I had written in last night had handwriting other then my own. I picked it up and it was a note from my husband expressing to me that I was awesome and that he loves me no matter what I look like. It was only a few short sentences but they spoke volumes. I don't think he'll ever understand how much those sentences mean to me. He doesn't write notes very often, twice a year maybe. Once on birthday and again on Mother's Day. So to me, this was big. It brought me to tears.

Encouragement is sometimes all we need to push us past our difficult moments. This morning I talked with the turbo-kick instructor and her encouragement and kind words were also very helpful. As are all the comments from my friends who read this blog. I couldn't keep going on this journey without you or your kind words of encouragement. Life is to short to go it alone. Thanks for being apart of mine.

The only meal I struggled with was dinner. I didn't have anything planned for me and a salad just sounded disgusting. So I had Top Ramen with everyone else, portion tiny with some canned green beans. I made sure not to eat anything after dinner. Other then that, it was a great eating day. I hope I can keep it up.

Reflect and Readjust

I had plenty of time this weekend to reflect on the past 3 weeks. Thursday morning I went and talked with Melissa. I mostly cried about my disappointment and frustration. On the surface I wanted to quit. Deep down inside I was resolved to change even more, to improve in my nutrition. Melissa asked the right questions, which I'm so grateful for. She asked me how my weekends were going. I hate weekends. They are difficult for me, eating wise. I love weekends because I get to spend time with the family and do fun things. But eating makes it so it's regretful. I revert into bad habits so I quickly become the closet eater and sneak treats that I shouldn't have. A handful of chocolate chips, a handful of reece's pieces, a candy bar at the store, a doughnut at the store, and so on and so forth. I have to break my bad habit weekends. I know I do well with a free day, but it's so hard to stick to just one day. I want so badly to lose this weight, and the disappointment of a bad 3 weeks is really putting me in the mindset that I need to be in to break this bad habit. My first question to myself is how? How do I break years and years of purging on the weekends. Purging from Fridays clear through till I have a treat at FHE. Seriously? What comes to my mind is a lot of prayer and discipline. I need to also be completely and utterly prepared for Saturdays. Have my meals lined up, and they must be easy to prepare. For the next 3 weeks I'm going to attack my Saturdays with these strategies.

During the week I can improve upon my snacking. I was replacing my diet coke vice with special K bars. Hey, they were only 90 calories. Well, I would end up having 2 and a bite of Grace's. How the heck is that going to help me lose weight. It's not. Plus I wasn't being super careful or "strict" with myself. I hate using the word strict because it has such negative conotation. But if I'm going to lose this weight I need to be strict for the next 4 months. I truly truly turly want to have this weight gone by the time my kids are out of school. Another strategy that I'm going to implement is to eat my carbs in the morning and early afternoon. No carbs after 4pm, no matter what. To conclude my day I'm going to stop eating after dinner. I'm also going to concentrate on drinking just water during the day. Unless I go out then I allow myself a diet coke. I drop my cup in the trash on the way out the door.

I've also been encouraged to keep a journal. A real physical journal where I keep track of every calorie I eat and my feelings associated with those calories. I wont be keeping track of those here, too boring.

So to re-cap, my goals for the next 3 weeks are to:
1. Become victorious over my weekends by:
a. Prayer
b. Discipline
c. Having my meals planned a head of time
d. sit and write until my urge to purge goes away
2. Make more sensible snacking choices
3. No carbs after 4pm
4. Drink more water
5. Keep a journal of my eating and emotions

I wont be changing my exercise routine. I don't think I can exercise more then I already am. I guess I could, and towards the end I might have to. But for now, I need to feed my oven with fuel to get my oven hot and ready to burn all this fat off of me. My fuel wasn't quality the past 3 weeks and they are going to be for the next 3. If this doesn't help to see some change... I will give up. Give up on losing weight. I wont give up on trying to be healthy. Just losing weight. Okay, maybe I'll give it another 3 weeks. We'll just have to wait and see how the next 3 go!!

The Reality of it All

I stepped on the scale at the gym yesterday morning and this morning. Reality punched me in the face with a 3lb weight gain!!! I'm not losing a 1lb a week I'm freaking gaining a 1lb a week. This is just not fair. I have been working my tail end off going to the gym every single morning for the past 3 weeks, only missing once, sweating like I've never sweat before and I'm on the verge of tears for the second day in a row. This just doesn't seem fair to me. I've been careful with what I've been eating and it just doesn't seem to matter one bit.

Discouragement is quickly setting in. How am I suppose to work any harder then I already am? I've stopped drinking diet coke, I've cut out sweets during the day, I've increased my fruits and veggies and downing loads of water, getting up at 4:45am and working out until 7am at the gym. What am I doing wrong?

I really want to just stop. What use is all this work? Nothing apparently. My whole goal is to lose weight, in all reality. I know I'm suppose to be getting healthier as well. But if weight loss isn't a result of healthier choices, what's the use.

This really sucks and I don't know how to keep going.

That was so hard I wanted to cry

Yesterday I worked out my lower body with Melissa. Due to my determination to lose weight and inches I grabed for a heavy weight. Oh the agony. I was so sore this morning. I could feel it coming on last night. Of course I had to go to the Spin Natzi for spinning class this morning. I didn't think I would make it through just the warm up. Spin class is hard enough for me, let alone when my legs are super sore and exhausted. Half way through class I wanted to get off the bike and leave. But alas, I didn't. No matter how exhausted I was, I knew I was changing my body. And the only way I am going to change my body is to push through pain and discomfort. During the work out I did want to cry, to vomit and to give up. But my will to lose weight was stronger then my pain. Did I put forth my best effort today, maybe not. But just the fact that I stuck with that stinking class was enough for me today.

As a result I have been overly tired today. To the point of tears. I'm quick to anger, and I just feel cranky. On top of it all I can't stop obessing about my gut. My bulging bulbous belly. It is the reason I am working so hard and at the same time it is also discouraging to me. I look in the mirror in the mornings and think that it will never go down in inches. What I need is a miracle for that to happen. I've been struggling with my weight ever since I've lived in Spanish Fork. I stood on many precipices last year, but this is the biggest one by far. And I'm scared. I still don't know why. But I am. Maybe it's of failing again.

I'm no longer satisfied with the body that I have. This is the reason for my insane work-out schedule. I look at all the girls at the gym who are there at the same time as me and for the same amount of time and they're all skinny minnies. When will my time come to be a skinny minnie? Yes, it's only 2.5 weeks and I need to give it at least 2 months to see some change. But gosh darn it I'm getting impatient. I have 15 freaking more weeks of this hell and I'd better start seeing some results soon or I'm going to ask people to start putting me out of my misery.

Where's that genie in a bottle? I just want one wish granted, and that's to be 155lbs, no less. Is that too hard to ask? Or maybe I'd ask for a freakishly fast metabolism, that way I could eat what ever the heck I wanted and just worry about the work out portion. Ya, that's the ticket.

I'm just tired. I need to go to be super early tonight.