To Thine Own Self Be True

This past week I have been thinking a lot about honesty and fear.  Jaren wrote home and talked about how one of the things that he was going to focus on this year was being more honest with himself and with God.  Little did I know that too, would be a theme for myself.  I am currently working through the Recovery Program of the LDS church.  It is an amazing program which I have used in the past and was life changing for me. I really became a different, happier, full of joy person.  This week I am on step 4 which is the step where you have to be honest with yourself and take inventory of all your behaviors, good, bad and the ugly.

First let me address being honest.  In my attempts to lose weight I've tried to convince myself that I was trying my hardest and it was because of something or someone else that I wasn't being successful.  But that's not true.  I wasn't trying my hardest.  I wasn't working hard enough and wasn't dedicating myself to the principles I had learned and biggest of all I didn't follow through with spiritual promptings, answers to sincere prayer.  About 3 years ago I asked Heavenly Father what foods were the most dangerous to my health.  He brought to my memory a talk I had listened to at Education Week by Merilee Boyack.  She talked about taking 10 foods out of her diet.  After following through with her spiritual prompting for a year, she didn't lose weight.  But her body was healthy enough to fight off cancer that she was diagnosed with.  The spirit then prompted me to contact her through facebook and ask her what those 10 foods were.  I thought that's crazy, but I'll do it.  And she responded within 15 minutes.  The Lord had answered by prayer!  Did I head that answer and stop eating those 10 foods?  I should have.  But I went the complete opposite.  I binged big time on those foods.  It was a weird switch that went off in my head.  I can't even explain it.  Fear maybe.  Over the past 2 years I have gained 20lbs.  I feel strongly that is a direct result of not listening and being obedient to my loving Heavenly Father.  He knew what was in store for me.  He knew the challenges I would be facing today. From sending Jaren on a mission, to my own mother being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and suffering from plantar fasciitis. Up until a few months ago I blamed everything and everyone else for my weight gain except myself.  I was after all doing everything I was suppose to be doing.  But in fact I wasn't.  As I reflect on the past 3 years I can see clearly those brief moments in time when I truly was working hard and doing what God asked me to do, I was successful.  Compared to those times when I tried to pull the wool over my eyes and tell myself that nothing works and I am just suppose to be overweight for the rest of my life.

This change that I desire requires WORK!!  I am going to have to give %110 if I want to be successful this year and changing my nature.  I have to be %110 honest with myself in the efforts and work that I am putting forth to make that change happen.  That is where fear comes in.

I have, for too long, allowed fear to control my thoughts and my actions.  Exactly what am I afraid of, I don't know.  Maybe I am afraid of the work, that its going to be too hard and that I am going to fail. Am I afraid to fail?  Of course I am.  That is the norm for me.  I start something, do it for a few weeks, maybe a month, see results, get sucked in by some faceless fear and revert back to old, terrible habits.  But WHY?  What is this fear that is preventing me from progressing.  I have to put a name, a face to this deep rooted fear.  I have to know what it is that I am up against so I can put all my energy and work into overcoming it.  What other fears do I have right now?  I am so afraid of being overweight for the rest of my life.  I am afraid that my weight is going to hold me back from living my true potential.  I am afraid that my husband will no longer find me attractive and... I can't even finish that thought because its too devastating for me to finish. I am afraid I will never find peace when it comes to food.  That food will dominate my thoughts and actions for the rest of my life and that is depressing and crushing.  So, how do I overcome fear?  With Faith.

Faith is stronger then fear.  Where do I lay my faith?  In all the principles and revelations that God has given to me over the past few years.  Staying away from the 10 most dangerous foods to my health.  Eating a whole food, plant based diet with lean meats.  Focusing on service.  Serving my family, in my calling, as a visiting teacher, in the Temple.  Living the celestial law of early to bed and early to rise.  Now I can add to that list, the principle of WORK!!  Faith is an action.  I have to start working at these principles for the process to make real changes.  Its in the process that change happens.  The process wont work if I don't work at living the principles.  Living the principles is the process.  I have to trust God and do his will for me.  That too, is scary.  What if God's will is something too difficult for me to accomplish?  God asks us all the time to do hard things.  What if I'm not strong enough?  I have to remind myself that all things are possible through Christ, Jesus.

Of course this journey, this process is going to cause me to be uncomfortable.  To do hard things.  To overcome self doubt, and negative self talk.  This process is going to be hard and full of work.  Am I willing to face that challenge? You bet, head on armed with the proper principles and the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who want me to be happy and successful.

Here's to be honest with myself and overcoming fear!