Last night I watched the Biggest Loser. How can you watch that show and NOT get inspired. One thing I'm always reminded of when I watch that show is the amount of weight I have to lose. I am truly grateful to have just 30lbs to lose instead of 130lbs. Still, 30lbs still seems like a lot when you have to get it done. The whole eating right and exercising. Watching those people puke and sweat and cry and faint,sheesh. I realized that I am not working hard enough to reach my goals either. I still have to learn to put my Faith into action. I can't see myself thin, I've never been good at visualization. But I know that if I eat right and exercise that goal will come to fruition. My day to day actions will bring me closer and closer to my desired goal. Just like my day to day actions as a Mother will hopefully, one day, produce righteous children. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, teaching FHE, family prayer, family scripture study have to amount to something, right? All that takes Faith.
And Faith without works is dead. Not only am I trying to figure out this whole eating thing without dieting, I've designated 9-10am as my workout time. This morning I did Tae-Bo. LOVE Tae-bo!! I need more of those kinds of workouts. In addition to that I am praying more then just in the morning and at night. I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I have to put my Faith in something that is far stronger and more powerful then myself. I find that I am praying a lot.
I am still waiting to get back my Best Life diet book back from a friend. I am excited to dive into that. Liz, if your reading this I would love for you to join me. And anyone else who would like to loving change your life.
I'm tired and worn out. It's been a long day. I still think about food most of the day. I am trying to re-focus my thoughts. I've been so wrapped up in that type of thinking it's going to take a lot of work to get new thoughts to replace the old ones. I know it's possible. Writing helps a lot.
I have to confess, that since I let go of dieting I am so much happier, with me, on the inside. I'm a little heavier too, as I mentioned before. But dang, I'm happier. Now if I could just balance that happiness with how I feel about my body. That is my ultimate goal. I can feel it, it's happening. Slowly, but surely, it's all coming together.
That was a long blab session!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Frustrated to the Max
I am beyond frustrated with myself. At this point in my life with all the ah-ha, light-blub, moments I should be happy to find myself on a pathway that leads to light and truth. That just isn't the case. As much as I don't want this journey to be about weight, it is. I'm saddened that I have gained 7lbs over the summer. You might think, 7lbs, what ev. But that makes a huge difference in the way your clothes fit, and that trickles down to how you feel about yourself.
I'm just grateful that I am attacking this problem from another perspective. I really want to eat my way out of the feelings that I am feeling right now. But that would be asinine. I know what it would feel like at the other end, terrible. Food is not going to get me through my feelings right now. Writing them down, is.
What are the emotions surging through my body right now? Disgust, discouragement, disappointment, anger, frustration, and sadness.
What am I going to do to move on? It already feels better to own the feelings. My weight and perspective on life isn't going to change in a week or a month. Patience, waiting, persevering, sticking to the plan is what I have to do at this moment. I ate my lunch. I ate what I wanted. I am a little too full which means I didn't stop when I was hungry. Which means I probably numbed a little of those harsh feelings.
I'm going to now wait until snack time. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. What I want is to nurture my throbbing soul, feed it some joy and goodness and move on with my day.
I'm just grateful that I am attacking this problem from another perspective. I really want to eat my way out of the feelings that I am feeling right now. But that would be asinine. I know what it would feel like at the other end, terrible. Food is not going to get me through my feelings right now. Writing them down, is.
What are the emotions surging through my body right now? Disgust, discouragement, disappointment, anger, frustration, and sadness.
What am I going to do to move on? It already feels better to own the feelings. My weight and perspective on life isn't going to change in a week or a month. Patience, waiting, persevering, sticking to the plan is what I have to do at this moment. I ate my lunch. I ate what I wanted. I am a little too full which means I didn't stop when I was hungry. Which means I probably numbed a little of those harsh feelings.
I'm going to now wait until snack time. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. What I want is to nurture my throbbing soul, feed it some joy and goodness and move on with my day.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Without Works
This past Sunday we had a wonderful lesson on Faith. As I've indicated before, Faith is the first step to change. The lesson manual states:
Faith is a principle of action and power that motivates our day-to-day activities... Each day we act upon things we hope for when we cannot see the end result. This is Faith.
Now that I've put off the idea of dieting I realize that sitting around waiting for change to happen is stupidity. Although it's liberating to say that I am not ever going to diet again, I still have to put my faith into action.
Where does my Faith lie? Definitely not in my self. I think that is where fear comes in. I've done the day to day actions having faith in myself, relying on my own strength to change. Every time I failed when I attempted change in that way.
Now my Faith has to lie in my Redeemer and the Atonement. I have to start working towards that change. You've heard that old saying/scripture: Faith without works is Dead.
I now have to ask myself what changes do I want to make? Who is the person I want to be and how do I accomplish that? Most of these changes are the same when I relied on my own strength to change.
Changes I ache for:
A healthy relationship with Food
Eat more fruits and veggies
Drink more water
Be confident in the person I am and love myself for those truths
Be a size 12.
Since change takes faith and action, what action plan am I going to go with?
I think I'm going to start simple. I keep thinking of the Bob Greene book, The Best Life Diet. Out of all the diet books that I have ever read, his was the most loving and kind way to treat yourself. His first strategy is to simply change your eating habits. Eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. So that is my first goal for the next 2 weeks. I'm just going to eat what I eat, but at those designated times. I'm also going to follow the food guidelines in Women Food and God. She urges you to eat when your hungry, eat what you want, and stop eating when your full. I have to have a beginning point. This is not asking much, but is asking me to be somewhat disciplined.
In addition to the physical change that I want to make, I'm going to take action spiritually. I am going to make a greater effort to study the atonement, renew my covenants and read my scriptures. This is KEY to the change that I want to make. This is where the real change will come. Believing truths about myself through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I'm not sure how long this change will take. This where the day to day action without seeing the end results comes in. I want change to come instantly, but it doesn't. It never does. I have to remember to keep going and NEVER give up. Enduring to the end will reveal the change that has come over me!
Faith is a principle of action and power that motivates our day-to-day activities... Each day we act upon things we hope for when we cannot see the end result. This is Faith.
Now that I've put off the idea of dieting I realize that sitting around waiting for change to happen is stupidity. Although it's liberating to say that I am not ever going to diet again, I still have to put my faith into action.
Where does my Faith lie? Definitely not in my self. I think that is where fear comes in. I've done the day to day actions having faith in myself, relying on my own strength to change. Every time I failed when I attempted change in that way.
Now my Faith has to lie in my Redeemer and the Atonement. I have to start working towards that change. You've heard that old saying/scripture: Faith without works is Dead.
I now have to ask myself what changes do I want to make? Who is the person I want to be and how do I accomplish that? Most of these changes are the same when I relied on my own strength to change.
Changes I ache for:
A healthy relationship with Food
Eat more fruits and veggies
Drink more water
Be confident in the person I am and love myself for those truths
Be a size 12.
Since change takes faith and action, what action plan am I going to go with?
I think I'm going to start simple. I keep thinking of the Bob Greene book, The Best Life Diet. Out of all the diet books that I have ever read, his was the most loving and kind way to treat yourself. His first strategy is to simply change your eating habits. Eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. So that is my first goal for the next 2 weeks. I'm just going to eat what I eat, but at those designated times. I'm also going to follow the food guidelines in Women Food and God. She urges you to eat when your hungry, eat what you want, and stop eating when your full. I have to have a beginning point. This is not asking much, but is asking me to be somewhat disciplined.
In addition to the physical change that I want to make, I'm going to take action spiritually. I am going to make a greater effort to study the atonement, renew my covenants and read my scriptures. This is KEY to the change that I want to make. This is where the real change will come. Believing truths about myself through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I'm not sure how long this change will take. This where the day to day action without seeing the end results comes in. I want change to come instantly, but it doesn't. It never does. I have to remember to keep going and NEVER give up. Enduring to the end will reveal the change that has come over me!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Pondering, Thinking, Dreaming
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've continued to read the book Women Food and God. I came upon one of the very last chapters and it just spoke to my soul! Here is another expert from that book:
It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.
This too was very powerful to me:
The most challenging part of any system that addresses weight-related issues is that unless it also addressed the part of you that wants something you can't name- the heart of your heart, not the size of your thighs- it wont' work. We don't want to be thin because thinness is inherently life-affirming or lovable or healthy. If this were true, there would be no tribes in Africa in which women are fat and regal and long-lived. There would be no history of matriarchies in which women's fecundity and sheer physical abundance were worshiped. We want to be thin because thinness is the purported currency of happiness and peace and contentment in our time. And although that currency is a lie-the tabloids are filled with miserable skinny celebrities- most systems of weight loss fail because they don't live up to their promise: weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Or content. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart. Spiritual hunger can never be solved on the physical level.
I knew that even if I were to lose weight, if I didn't change something on the inside I would still be unhappy. In pondering this principle I wondered what it is that I am trying to mask when I eat. What emotion am I afraid of? What feelings drive me to eat myself into a numbness? The other day I figured it out.
For several several months now I've been doing everything the church has asked me to do. I have been reading the scriptures(even in the summer) every morning with my kids, having morning and evening prayers. I even started kneeling down individually with my kids to help them with their own prayers. We have FHE regularly, I attend the Temple once a month and I've even started studying my scriptures on a daily personal level. So why is it, through all of that hard work that my children still fight? It's at this point that I feel like a complete failure as a Mother. That's the feeling I'm trying to mask. Failure, utter and complete. Even before all my efforts, I feel like this emotion is what I've been trying to avoid and hide.
This is where satan is trying to tear me down. This is where he inserts lies. This is where I need to start inserting truths and hope. My children are still children. They will still fight. No matter how many proper principles I teach them. They still have their agency to choose to fight. Just like in Heaven, a 1/3 of the host of God's spirits chose to follow Lucifer in His presence. Does that make God a bad Father? NO!!!! Does my children fighting make me a bad mother? NO!
This is where enduring to the end makes all the difference. I need to keep on keeping on. Fighting the good fight. Keep my chin held high.
Of course I want to be thinner. A dream of mine is to be a size 12. But I feel to get to that number I have to change myself through love. I can no longer force myself to eat the way I hate. Learning to love and accept myself for the person I entered this Earth to be. Learning that it's okay to understand what my talents are, to use them and to share them. In so doing I'm not being prideful, boastful or egotistical. Telling myself that I am a good mother is also okay to do. Despite of the fighting and the constant bickering. If I remember correctly, I too fought as a child. In the end, I still love my parents and my siblings. Once I start believing the truth, I will start treating myself with love and respect.
It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.
This too was very powerful to me:
The most challenging part of any system that addresses weight-related issues is that unless it also addressed the part of you that wants something you can't name- the heart of your heart, not the size of your thighs- it wont' work. We don't want to be thin because thinness is inherently life-affirming or lovable or healthy. If this were true, there would be no tribes in Africa in which women are fat and regal and long-lived. There would be no history of matriarchies in which women's fecundity and sheer physical abundance were worshiped. We want to be thin because thinness is the purported currency of happiness and peace and contentment in our time. And although that currency is a lie-the tabloids are filled with miserable skinny celebrities- most systems of weight loss fail because they don't live up to their promise: weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Or content. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart. Spiritual hunger can never be solved on the physical level.
I knew that even if I were to lose weight, if I didn't change something on the inside I would still be unhappy. In pondering this principle I wondered what it is that I am trying to mask when I eat. What emotion am I afraid of? What feelings drive me to eat myself into a numbness? The other day I figured it out.
For several several months now I've been doing everything the church has asked me to do. I have been reading the scriptures(even in the summer) every morning with my kids, having morning and evening prayers. I even started kneeling down individually with my kids to help them with their own prayers. We have FHE regularly, I attend the Temple once a month and I've even started studying my scriptures on a daily personal level. So why is it, through all of that hard work that my children still fight? It's at this point that I feel like a complete failure as a Mother. That's the feeling I'm trying to mask. Failure, utter and complete. Even before all my efforts, I feel like this emotion is what I've been trying to avoid and hide.
This is where satan is trying to tear me down. This is where he inserts lies. This is where I need to start inserting truths and hope. My children are still children. They will still fight. No matter how many proper principles I teach them. They still have their agency to choose to fight. Just like in Heaven, a 1/3 of the host of God's spirits chose to follow Lucifer in His presence. Does that make God a bad Father? NO!!!! Does my children fighting make me a bad mother? NO!
This is where enduring to the end makes all the difference. I need to keep on keeping on. Fighting the good fight. Keep my chin held high.
Of course I want to be thinner. A dream of mine is to be a size 12. But I feel to get to that number I have to change myself through love. I can no longer force myself to eat the way I hate. Learning to love and accept myself for the person I entered this Earth to be. Learning that it's okay to understand what my talents are, to use them and to share them. In so doing I'm not being prideful, boastful or egotistical. Telling myself that I am a good mother is also okay to do. Despite of the fighting and the constant bickering. If I remember correctly, I too fought as a child. In the end, I still love my parents and my siblings. Once I start believing the truth, I will start treating myself with love and respect.
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