Empowerment.

Even though I'm not focusing wholly on weight loss, I can not let myself go. I can already feel my chubs returning around my mid-drift. My pants are a little tighter and my shirts aren't fitting like I like them. There is no way I'm going to put on my Friday pants cause I know exactly how they'll feel.

I have to do something.

I want to do something.

So what is it that I do?

Empower myself. I thought about Empowerment a lot yesterday. I remember how it felt to have control over food. Remember, I did lose 23lbs last year. It was an amazing feeling. It felt so good to be in control of my life. Yes, sometimes I gave into temptation. But who doesn't? I'm not asking myself to be perfect. I'm just asking for a little empowerment.

Food is just food. It's always going to be there. I know I've said that before. I guess I need reminding. My chubs will always be here too if I don't take control.

How do we find empowerment? It comes from deep down inside. And man, you have to dig deep. That's what I'm going to have to do, dig deep. I refuse to let myself gain weight while I focus on my kids. That is just defeating the purpose.

I have to have a plan to follow to be successful. I also feel like I have information overload, not know which plan to choose. I keep flling back to Body for Life. So simple, a portion of carb and a portion of protien with a veggie with lunch and dinner. Simple enough, and I can do that for the rest of my life.

It's getting rid of the junk that's going to be the hard part. But getting rid of that and saying no to that is what empowers me. And that's where you have to dig deep.

It's so funny to look back at the first 3 months of this year. I didn't think that what I was doing was workng. But as my clothes begin to feel tighter, I realize that it was working. I don't give myself enough credit. I need to keep plugging along and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. It just takes time, and I need to allow for that time.

Time and Empowerment. Digging Deep and sticking to a plan. That's my new strategy.

Sacrifices

Along the pathway of life we all make sacrifices. As I've been thinking about my current situation as a mother, there is more way then one that I sacrifice.

About a week ago I felt like I was in a tornado. There was so many good things that I want to do with my life right now. I still want to lose weight. In addition to that I still want to break my emotional eating, naturally eat healthy, improve my relationship with my children and become a positive disciplinarian. As I thought about all of those huge task, I felt overwhelmed and discouraged!

As I knelt in prayer a few nights ago, the impression I recieved was to focus on my relationship with my children. I need to foster a relationship of love and trust with my children. So to this end I once again am sacrificing myself for them. I will be over weight for a little while longer in the name of Love and Motherhood. Kudos to those women who can lose weight and be super Mom. I am not one of them. I am not ashamed to admit it.

I will still be exercising, because I love it and it's so good for me to continue on that journey. But I will not be focusing on my weight loss. I have to put all of my efforts into my children right now. Too soon will they be gone from my home. When that happens I want them to have a desire to return and feel comfortable coming back when ever they need to. I don't want them to despise home and have a feeling of "I'm never go back there!".

I also realize that my emotional eating is attached to my children. I hope as I focus on them and foster greater relationships with them that I will help that aspect of my life. **Sigh** One can only pray for such a miracle.

I am not going to abandon all reason either. I will still try to eat healthy and make good choices. I'm just not going to count calories or be a carb nazi. But I will try to fnd balance with food as I put my energies elsewhere.

I hope to write about my continued journy here. It will take on a slightly different twist. It's good to document and write things down. Right?

Revelations

For the past week I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G!!! And it's been no fun. I've follow my usual emotional circle, eat till I can't eat no more and feel even worse about myself. Trying to lose weight was getting to be overwhelming and so discouraging. I have been working out so hard to help with my weight loss and it's only brought me tears of frustration. I was also just about to give up on prayer. Why would my Heavenly Father want to help me with weight loss. I have been pleading on my knees morning and night for help and to no avail. My total weight loss for this entire year is just 2 stinking pounds. Seriously, what is a girl to do?

I felt really badly about entertaining the idea of quitting. Most of all quitting on my Heavenly Father. I don't want to quit exercising, I love it. I don't want to quit eating healthy. But it's my nutrtion that is standing in my way.

I started writing in a journal Monday night and low and behold something very strong finally dawned in my tiny brain. If I stop exercising and eating the way that I do I could balloon to 300+lbs!! My yo-yo eating habits are that bad. I do really well, in the name of weight loss. Fell terrible when I screw up. Eat myself into a frenzy for a week or more and then start the proccess over. It has to stop. It's more then just my weight now. It's my LIFE!!! My emotional attachment to food is crazy strong! I have to stop it or it's going to continue to control my life.

I need to get a handle on this before I can start to focus on weight loss. But I hope in the process of gaining a new attitude towards food, incorporating good food and lots of veggies that weight loss will be a natural result. But if it's not, that's okay. Right now, finding balance in every day life is what it's about for me right now.

I have to find other outlets then food. Food is my enemy, but it's also a love of mine. How do you balance mortal enemies?

In my mind, a normal day could involve a cookie after lunch. Just as long as I can stop at that one cookie. It's okay to have a "carb" with dinner as long as it's a good whole wheat one served in a true portion. Am I wrong in my thinking? As long as these things are balanced with a lot of healthy cooking and a boat load of veggies, why couldn't I do those things?

I'm changing my focus. Weightloss is seriously killing me. I fight myself every single day and I can't do it any more. It's just too ding dang hard. I'm fighting so many other sources of evil that I shouldn't have to be fighting myself in addtion. I need to be loving myself, supporting myself, and being strict with myself. I will have to focus on weight loss once I get a real handle on my day to day life. I have to focus on chaging my "relationship" and emotional attachment that I have with food.

Aslo while writing in my journal the idea of a support group popped into my head. I can't afford to join one, so why not start one here in my awesome neighborhood filled with awesome women who may or may not be struggling.

It's worth a shot.