Revelations

For the past week I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G!!! And it's been no fun. I've follow my usual emotional circle, eat till I can't eat no more and feel even worse about myself. Trying to lose weight was getting to be overwhelming and so discouraging. I have been working out so hard to help with my weight loss and it's only brought me tears of frustration. I was also just about to give up on prayer. Why would my Heavenly Father want to help me with weight loss. I have been pleading on my knees morning and night for help and to no avail. My total weight loss for this entire year is just 2 stinking pounds. Seriously, what is a girl to do?

I felt really badly about entertaining the idea of quitting. Most of all quitting on my Heavenly Father. I don't want to quit exercising, I love it. I don't want to quit eating healthy. But it's my nutrtion that is standing in my way.

I started writing in a journal Monday night and low and behold something very strong finally dawned in my tiny brain. If I stop exercising and eating the way that I do I could balloon to 300+lbs!! My yo-yo eating habits are that bad. I do really well, in the name of weight loss. Fell terrible when I screw up. Eat myself into a frenzy for a week or more and then start the proccess over. It has to stop. It's more then just my weight now. It's my LIFE!!! My emotional attachment to food is crazy strong! I have to stop it or it's going to continue to control my life.

I need to get a handle on this before I can start to focus on weight loss. But I hope in the process of gaining a new attitude towards food, incorporating good food and lots of veggies that weight loss will be a natural result. But if it's not, that's okay. Right now, finding balance in every day life is what it's about for me right now.

I have to find other outlets then food. Food is my enemy, but it's also a love of mine. How do you balance mortal enemies?

In my mind, a normal day could involve a cookie after lunch. Just as long as I can stop at that one cookie. It's okay to have a "carb" with dinner as long as it's a good whole wheat one served in a true portion. Am I wrong in my thinking? As long as these things are balanced with a lot of healthy cooking and a boat load of veggies, why couldn't I do those things?

I'm changing my focus. Weightloss is seriously killing me. I fight myself every single day and I can't do it any more. It's just too ding dang hard. I'm fighting so many other sources of evil that I shouldn't have to be fighting myself in addtion. I need to be loving myself, supporting myself, and being strict with myself. I will have to focus on weight loss once I get a real handle on my day to day life. I have to focus on chaging my "relationship" and emotional attachment that I have with food.

Aslo while writing in my journal the idea of a support group popped into my head. I can't afford to join one, so why not start one here in my awesome neighborhood filled with awesome women who may or may not be struggling.

It's worth a shot.