Hiking the Y

This past week my good friend Rachel asked if I would join her on some hikes.  One of my unattainable goals has been to encorporate hikes into my exercise routine.  Hiking has always been so daunting to me.  And difficult, and a tad scary and truth be told it gives me a bit of anxiety.  I know how difficult it is to hike and in the past I've hated every step of the way.  Until I get to the top and realize what an amazing journey I just took myself on.  In the process not really grateful for my body and the ability it had to take me up the mountain.  I was always focused on what was wrong with my body, never being thin enough or good enough. 

This time was different.  I am in a new place.  I want to go on hikes cuz I know how wonderful they are for me mentally, physically and spiritually.  Both hikes that I went on the whole time I had a sense of gratitude for everything about my body.  My beating heart, sometimes it was racing so fast I needed to take a break to bring it back down again. My lungs, that they could provide me the oxigen I needed.  A lot of the time it felt like I was sucking wind, but at least I could still breath.  My legs that they were strong enough to carry my overweight body up both mountains.  And especially my eyes.  Taking in the breathtaking views of this magnificent world given to us by a loving Heavenly Father.

I have a long way to go before I can once again "attack" the mountain.  I realized that I have to eat the food of life, i.e. vegetables, for my body to truly function the way I desire it to, and the way Heavenly Father meant it to.  And that desire is to be light, fit and healthy.  I can no longer indulge in sweets.  I have to just remove them from my home and replace them with fruits.  Oranges, watermelon, apples and dried fruit.  A much better option.  I can do it.  I can feel it deep within my soul, the desire to change for the betterment of ME. 

I have lived in the UC almost all of my life and have NEVER hiked the Y.  It was a huge accomplishment for me.  I felt like I overcame a lot of fear reaching the top of that mountain.  If I can do that hike, I can pretty much do anything else that is challenging.  What an amazing blessing.  What an exciting time it is to be alive.

Living Life Deliberately

The last few weeks I have felt myself slipping.  I had a great thing going studying my scriptures and gospel doctrine in the mornings before my kids got up.  Then I would get my kids up and read a few verses in the Book of Mormon with them.  Throughout the day I would listen to Conference talks.  I found that the t.v. wasn't on as much. I was also doing a really great job at being aware of my body and when it was truly hungry and full.  It all seems to be slipping away.  I wake up in the mornings feeling sick from the over processed food that I find myself gravitating toward.  All those things are disappearing. 

Then I realized that I was doing all those things deliberately.  I was desiring a certain outcome to my life so I was deliberately doing those things to aquire said outcome.  And you know, it was working.  If I want my life to change completely I have to live every life deliberately and with diligence. 

When did it all start slipping?  When I wanted to start making goals in my life.  I had written some down.  They were all awesome goals.  None of them had to do with losing weight and getting to a certain size or number.  But it felt all wrong.  I got scared and my bad habits crept back into my life. 

I also realize that if I am going to change that I am going to have to set some goals to help me change.  And I do want to lose weight.  I am not happy, as I mentioned in my last post, with my body and the way it is functioning.  I also realize that my insecurities are effecting my relationship with the husband.  Which makes me completely sad.

Nothing in my life is beyond change .  That brings me great hope.  I can deliberately change my diet to feel better on the inside, thus making me feel better on the outside.  I can deliberately go to bed early so I can arise early and read my scriptures.  Which will strengthen my spirit and bring me closer to God.  I can deliberately go on a walk every single day which will strengthen my body and give my self-confidence a boost. 

In short, I am going to once again start living my life deliberately.  I am grateful that I recognized what was going on before it was far too late.  It's never too late, but sometimes if you wait too long it's harder to get started again. 

My first step moving forward is to come to terms with goal setting.  I need to realize that good goal setting is healthy and a way to progress.

Double Serving of Softball with a Dash of "Reality Sucks"!!

About a month ago I joined a softball team.  I've been asked to join the team for the last few years and every year I passed on the opportunity.  I had no desire to be humiliated with my running skills, hitting and catching skills.  This year I thought I'd push through the embarrassment to push myself to do something new.  I have NEVER played organized softball in my life.  I went to my first practice and thought this is no big deal.  I watched the other ladies around me struggle to pick up the ball, and run after the ball.  At first I was like, what's their problem?  And then it was my turn and I found myself tipping over when reaching for that blasted ball.   I quickly discovered that I am completely out of shape.  My gut gets in the way of my ability to bend over and pick up the ball, my big old rear end prevents me from running as fast as I imagine myself running. 

At first I was embarrassed.  But wait a minute, I'm not the only one who was struggling out there (double fist pump to the chest to all my peeps in the same boat, I truly feel you!).  My embarrassment quickly turned to anger.  Anger at letting myself get this way.  I have discovered some amazing things about myself and my relationship with God.  But in the process I lost my body.  I am angry.  I am angry that my body can't do the things that I want it to do.  I'm so angry it brings me to tears.  Am I angry enough to do something about it?

YOU BET!!

Good, Better, Best

During a meeting with some friends I disclosed some bad habits that I would like to stop.  But my fear in stopping is that taking those things completely out of my life will feel like a diet and then the battle will begin.  How do I change bad habits without having an internal battle with myself?  One friend suggested that instead of completely taking out, that I just replace it with something better.  Then I thought of that talk Good, Better, Best.  I can start slowly by replacing my bad habit like Diet Coke and Chocolate with something that is Good in comparison.  So instead of Diet Coke, Crystal light(at least the Walmart brand), and I replaced the Chocolate with this awesome fruit and nut mix from Costco.  Are these choices the BEST choices?  No, but I feel like I have to make changes slowly and with love and gentleness.  We forget to treat ourselves with love and gentleness, but that is a post for another day.  My idea is that eventually I will replace the good things, with better things and eventually those better things with the things that are BEST for me.  Doesn't that sound like such a GREAT idea?  I thought so.  Instead of doing it like all the other diets in the world tell you to... You know what I"m talking about, they want you take EVERYTHING away from yourself and expect you to stick to it for months.  I'm sorry, but I've tried that and it's just not possible.  For me, anyway. 

Good, Better, Best just feels right.  I believe that permanent change, for me, has to come slowly.  I have to wean myself from these bad habits.  I felt this idea was inspired and so, I'm going to try it out.  Have I been perfect?  No, not by any stretch of the imagination.  But am I making progress?  You betcha.  And it feels good.  I have had just a 20oz diet coke this whole week.  I still have a long way to go with the chocolate.  I have this TERRRIBLE habit of rewarding myself when I'm at the grocery store with a chocolate treat.  I say to myself, "Gosh darn it, I'm a hard working woman, a mother of 6 and I totally DESERVE this."  But am I really rewarding myself, my body?  No.  Sugar just makes me feel sluggish and slow.  It's a habit I formed a good 8 years ago and it's not going to change over night.  But I can apply the good, better, best strategy to that too?  Absolutely!  Instead of a candy, buy a protien bar instead.  Eventually not purchasing anything at all and saving the money I would have spent to buy a new shirt.  Now that sounds like an amazing reward! 

Like I've mentioned before, I am no longer a dieter.  My goal is to permanently change my life.  But that change has to come slowly and with love.  Change doesn't just happen either.  We have to stretch and work at it too.  It's a hard balance to find.  But I hope to find it.

There is no Secret Ingredient

Every week I learn something new about myself, or a principle that is re-enforced.  Several weeks ago my daughter was watching one of my most favorite movies:  Kung Fu Panda.  I loved this movie the first time, and love it even more each time I watch it.  The beautiful thing about the end of this movie is that Po realizes that there is no secret ingredient to greatness, which everyone was seeking on the dragon scroll.  When they found that it was empty, and only reflected their image, they were disappointed.  As I thought about that I realized that for such a long time I had been searching for a secret ingredient to a "perfect" body, according to the world.  But just like Po, I realized that there is no secret ingredient.  We just have to look at our own images in the mirror.  All of us were created in the image of God.  Which gives us Godlike attributes and the ability to become like Him.  Our true greatness comes from within, not from anything in the world. 

I guess if there is a secret ingredient, it would be that we all have to believe in our divine potential.  If we all understood that, we would treat our bodies differently.  Which is exactly what I am striving to do.  Focus on all the amazing things that my body can do, rather then all the things it can't do or all the imperfections.  It's a hard thing to do.  Our natural tendency when we look in the mirror is focus on all that is wrong.  What if you started focusing on all that was good?  Just that slight change in attitude will make a world of difference.  I know, because it has for me.  I'm still working on focusing on the good, and my divine potential.  But you have to start somewhere.  And if all you can see about yourself is that you have a pretty eye color, that's a start.  Then you can be grateful that you have eye sight, and see the color of butterfly wings, or tulips and daffodils as they push their way through snowy ground, or the shape of your children's cheeks as they sleep, smile or laugh.  Your eye sight allows you to read recipes, blogs, and books.  Your eyes are a gift from God, who loves you and wants you to experience all of these things, and more.  Focus on your eyes, first, and go from there.  You will feel a change come over you. 

I think the point I'm trying to make is that life is so much more enjoyable when we aren't obsessed about a number, a size or shape.  I am trying to move away from that way of thinking.  It's difficult, I wont lie.  Especially when it's been engrained in you for what seems like your whole life.  But I can HONESTLY say that now that I have moved past the scale, numbers and sizes that  I am happier.  Now I want to treat my body with kindness so that I can continue to experience this world as God intended me to, with Joy.

Love/ Hate relationships

Generally speaking I love it when Spring arrives.  I love watching the tulips and daffodils push through the frozen ground making hope jump in my heart.  Hope that winter will soon be over with. Hope that the sun will not only be warming my face, but the soil and truly bringing forth those happy happy flowers!  Spring also brings a renewal to garden and prepare the soil and sort out my seeds and start planning how marvelous my garden is going to be.  I always start out with such high hopes and high expectations.

This year the ushering in of spring is bringing a new feeling with it.  A feeling of dread.  Dread of what you ask?  I'm dreading the day when the weather is too warm to wear my beloved sweatshirts.  I will no longer be able to hide the weight that I have gained over the fall and winter months.  I will no longer be able to hide the jiggling at my sides, front and rear.  I always had dreams of coming forth from the winter months a beautiful butterfly.  Instead, I'm just a fattened up caterpillar wondering wear her wings are.  Unlike a caterpillar, eating doesn't produce wings, it just produces roll upon roll. 

I wouldn't take back the spiritual growth that I have made over the fall and winter months.  I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I'm still struggling with the fact that my body had to fatten up in the process.  I always believed that by putting the Lord first everything else would fall into place.  I thought that meant weight would come off, not be packed on.  I guess there is more to it then what I first believed.  I still have to put principles into action.  I can sit idly by doing nothing about my health.  I don't believe that's what the Lord intended. 

My other love/hate relationship right now are photos of me.  Mostly ones taken just a few short years ago.  I wasn't at what the world says is my ideal weight.  But I looked good, and I think I was happy.  It's so hard not to dwell on past self, especially when past self looked good and I didn't acknowledge how happy I truly was in that state.  I still thought I wasn't good enough, thin enough, happy enough.  How sad.  I hope to never take for granted my body.  I want to look at those photos, but I can't.  It hurts too much.  But I can't look of photos of my current self either.  That is just too painful too.  Looking at me in all my chub glory. 

Listen to me, I'm labeling myself.  I'm calling myself chubby, a caterpillar, all nice ways of saying fat.  But is that the truth?  It's true according to the world.  But it's not the TRUTH!  I have to remember to tell myself the truth.  And the truth is that I am a daughter of God who loves me.  He created me in his image.  I have the potential to become like him.  My relationship with God, with my Savior is the only thing that should matter. 

I need to keep putting the Lord first.  By thinking of Him I will continue to feel of his love and receive the promised blessing of His spirit.  His spirit will testify of truth.  And one day, I will believe the truth about my body so strongly that I will want to finally treat it the way it was intended to be treated.  With love.

Great Grain Debate

As I've been thinking a lot about grains and how they need to play a larger roll in my life.  I can't help but think of those that have medical conditions that have to stear clear of said items.  Like Sally, for instance.  In her recent comment asked how, as a pre-diabetic whose Dr. has asked her to stay away from such food, follow the Word of Wisdom?  I have a mother-in-law and a few friends who are gluten intolerant.  Of course gluten is the stuff found in wheat.  There has to be grains out there that don't have the same effect as wheat. 

Which gets my brain thinking about all grains.  Are there other grains that are superior to others?  I keep thinking about the grain Quinoa.  Before when I was freaked out about calories I would stay away from Quinoa.  But Quinoa is jammed packed with protien and other vitamins.   And what about brown rice?  There is no gluten in that and it's filling and takes the body a long time to digest. 

I was hoping that applying the word of wisdom to my daily life would be easy.  But like most things, we have to become educated in them.  If the Lord thinks it's important to make grains the staff of life, then there has to be grains that all mankind can eat to stay healthy. 

Here comes one of my major weakness, I am a crappy researcher!  I don't know where to start.  I don't know what questions to ask, or what resource to go to.  I wish I could solely rely on revelation.  But I can't do that.  I have to be actively engaged in my good cause. 

That was a great question Sally.  Maybe you and I should start with the fruits and veggies and then go on to the grains.  Yum, vegetables the food of LIFE!!!