Over the weekend I had a beautiful conversation with my Aunt Mel. We began talking about the struggles we've had with our weight. Those dang Edwards genes are so hard to fight. Aunt Mel told me about a time when she was diagnosed with Fibro Mialgia. She had been talking with a counselor. It sounded like, to this counselor, that Aunt Mel was mourning her previous self. The self that had the energy to get so much done when she would get home from work. I had never thought that you could mourn a previous self. I realized as I was talking with Mel that I have been mourning a previous me.
Before the twins were born I was so happy. I was getting thin, healthy, and content. Things were going my way and it was an incredible feeling. Then my world was flipped upside down by the realization of another pregnancy. One that I wasn't ready for and devastated by. I cried for the first few month. Then a double whammy, it was twins. I had no idea I was carrying twins until my 21 week ultrasound. Not only was my world flipped upside down, but inside out, twisted, tilted until it would never ever be the same again. I prepared myself for the worse. Having one baby was difficult enough, but what was two going to be like. My life was, and has never been the same.
I suppose I mourned, without knowing I was mourning, my previous self. As I reflect on the person I am today I can honestly say that I'm happy with the person that I have evolved into. My testimony of the Gospel is stronger and deeper. I've discovered that I can have my own voice in my marriage, and share it. The most important discovery is that I know my role on this Earth is to be a Mother. As challenging as it is for me, this is what I am to do.
Becoming a mother didn't happen the way I ever would have imagined. My weight has gone up and down with each of the births of my children. The last two have been the most difficult. But knowing that it's okay to mourn my former self has been very empowering. As long as I no longer dwell on it and move forward in a positive and motivating way. I still have a lot to go before I reach my goals. I truly feel as though a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I did a much better job with my nutrition today. I made conscience efforts to make the right choices. Sooner or later those choices are going to add up to big numbers. They have to.
4 comments:
I hear you! And I also had a lightbulb moment this past week. I watched a triple bypass and although it was fascinating, it was also frightening that with my history/genetics, that could someday be me, sooner than later. I vowed to never be on that operating table! My life is forever changed because of that. Good luck to you, it will all pay off!!
Twins will do that.
What an interesting concept! You're right that I need to accept I will never be 21 again. I need to find peace with that and find the best me at 32. Thanks for sharing! You're awesome!
Amberlyn, I love the you before you had twins. We had so much fun taking Jaren and Hannah to the Pizza Factory every week. Life was simple. Then you had twins! Amazing! You managed them so well and even though it was gut wrenchingly difficult, you were amazing and I loved the you that was a mother to four very young children. I love the current you especially because she is built on the joys and challenges of being a loving mother and wife and sister and friend. You are amazing and honest and powerful. The former you was incredible but the current you is phenomenal.
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