So is this blog turning into a personal journal? Either way it is helping me to get out of the kitchen and really process my thoughts. Maybe I should just stick to blogging about my weight and journal the super personal things. And blog when the intertwine.
As I have re-read these blog entries I feel as though I am a very insecure person. I don't want to be insecure. I want to be a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and what she will and will not stand for. I am going to continue to mull this over and really think about who I am, what I want, etc.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Stunned
I think I had a break through today. Many specialist say that if you are over weight there is something in your life that you just haven't faced. In talking with a friend today I answered a series of questions. The first one being Why do I want to lose weight. I want to lose weight because I want to be thin. Why do you want to be thin? Because I want to feel attractive. Why do you want to feel attractive? I want my husband to find me attractive. But I'm afraid that even if I do become thin, he still wont find me attractive. WHOA!!!! For me that is heavy, and the first time I owned up to those feelings and thoughts. But this is only my "truth", which really is un-truth. A lie that I keep telling myself. I need to confront this head on and have a talk with Brent right away. I'm sure this is not how he feels. This is my insecurity ( this blog just got super personal).
Something that I have personally struggled with almost my whole married life. Some how I feel better. Writing all this down makes me realize how ridiculous this sounds. Almost. They are my feelings. I'm just glad I claimed them as mine, and now maybe I can move forward.
Having just had a baby doesn't help the situation either.
Something that I have personally struggled with almost my whole married life. Some how I feel better. Writing all this down makes me realize how ridiculous this sounds. Almost. They are my feelings. I'm just glad I claimed them as mine, and now maybe I can move forward.
Having just had a baby doesn't help the situation either.
Ready?
I want to start setting some goals for myself. But I'm not sure that I am really ready for that. Maybe that is a sign that I need to set those goals for myself to push myself forward.
I think I'll wait till my meeting on Thursday. That way I'll have a more clear idea of how to approach food. Right now, my brain is fried.
I think I'll wait till my meeting on Thursday. That way I'll have a more clear idea of how to approach food. Right now, my brain is fried.
Realization
Yesterday I was talking with a friend at church and I had an ah-ha moment. I told her that was going to start eating well and exercising on Monday. As I was telling her all this I realized that I am scared!! I am scared to fail. I have failed so many times in the past, as I mentioned in my last post. I am so scared of failing that I have butterflies in my stomach.
Later that day I as I thought more about why I am scared, I realized that this is the first time that I am getting professional help for my weight problem. And the reason I think I am so scared is this: What if I still can't lose weight with someone's professional help. What a bigger failure I will be.
I am having a hard time letting go of the food. It's like I will be taking something away from myself. Then I thought a lot about what Denise said in response to my last post. I need to fill my emptiness with something more important, and bigger then I am. That something would be my Savior and Heavenly Father. Before I became pregnant with Grace I realized this. I new that my personal relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father was just barely there. Another of my personal insecurities comes through: I have little faith in prayer. I feel as though my problems are too insignificant to bother my H.F. with. But doesn't He love all of his children? Doesn't He want us to go to him with our personal struggles? This is a major struggle for me. Why wouldn't he want to hear about it and put me on a path to overcome it? I just need to take that step forward with more faith then I've ever had before and put my trust in Him and in prayer.
Later that day I as I thought more about why I am scared, I realized that this is the first time that I am getting professional help for my weight problem. And the reason I think I am so scared is this: What if I still can't lose weight with someone's professional help. What a bigger failure I will be.
I am having a hard time letting go of the food. It's like I will be taking something away from myself. Then I thought a lot about what Denise said in response to my last post. I need to fill my emptiness with something more important, and bigger then I am. That something would be my Savior and Heavenly Father. Before I became pregnant with Grace I realized this. I new that my personal relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father was just barely there. Another of my personal insecurities comes through: I have little faith in prayer. I feel as though my problems are too insignificant to bother my H.F. with. But doesn't He love all of his children? Doesn't He want us to go to him with our personal struggles? This is a major struggle for me. Why wouldn't he want to hear about it and put me on a path to overcome it? I just need to take that step forward with more faith then I've ever had before and put my trust in Him and in prayer.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
A New Lifestyle
Well, I'm gearing myself up to start my new Lifestyle on Monday. I'm not going to call it dieting because I truly want to change how I eat and incorporate food into my life. I hope I can be successful at this. I am so into cooking that you'd think that I would be able to incorporate my passion into a healthy habit. I'm sure there is amazing food out there that is not only healthy, but taste good too.
I am first going to start exercising. I'm crossing my fingers today that Brent gets my tire for the double-jogger. I am thrilled to get out and start walking again. The weather should cooperate for me. I am also planning on going over to Melissa's and Tuesdays and Thursdays for weight lifting and other workouts. I am so ready to get rid of my back fat, and muffin top. The working out part isn't the hard part for me. I LOVE to EXERCISE!!!! The hard part is going to be the food. I really need to start understanding why I put things in my mouth. Like yesterday, I had secretly hid a small bag of candy and pulled it out when i was alone. I wasn't hungry by any means. But I wanted the chocolate. And to be honest, it didn't really taste that great. So why did I do it? Did I do it because I know I am going to deny myself of that this coming Monday? Should I really be denying myself of sweets? I have only failed at that attempt in the past. Wouldn't it be alright to have a small piece of chocolate after lunch and dinner? Moderation in all things right? Or do I take it completely out of my life for the next couple of month? That approach screams FAILURE to me. I don't want to be a failure once again. I don't want to beat myself up over this any longer.
I'll just be going it alone until April 3rd. April 3rd I have an appointment with a weightloss clinic. I am super excited to be going. It is a little expensive, but my life is worth it!!! Understanding food more and how it works with my body is so worth the cost. I am DONE beating myself up over and abusing food. I am ready to take charge.
I am first going to start exercising. I'm crossing my fingers today that Brent gets my tire for the double-jogger. I am thrilled to get out and start walking again. The weather should cooperate for me. I am also planning on going over to Melissa's and Tuesdays and Thursdays for weight lifting and other workouts. I am so ready to get rid of my back fat, and muffin top. The working out part isn't the hard part for me. I LOVE to EXERCISE!!!! The hard part is going to be the food. I really need to start understanding why I put things in my mouth. Like yesterday, I had secretly hid a small bag of candy and pulled it out when i was alone. I wasn't hungry by any means. But I wanted the chocolate. And to be honest, it didn't really taste that great. So why did I do it? Did I do it because I know I am going to deny myself of that this coming Monday? Should I really be denying myself of sweets? I have only failed at that attempt in the past. Wouldn't it be alright to have a small piece of chocolate after lunch and dinner? Moderation in all things right? Or do I take it completely out of my life for the next couple of month? That approach screams FAILURE to me. I don't want to be a failure once again. I don't want to beat myself up over this any longer.
I'll just be going it alone until April 3rd. April 3rd I have an appointment with a weightloss clinic. I am super excited to be going. It is a little expensive, but my life is worth it!!! Understanding food more and how it works with my body is so worth the cost. I am DONE beating myself up over and abusing food. I am ready to take charge.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Yesterday I went to lunch with my good friend Melissa. She is a health and fitness nut!!! She is such a wonderful example to me and a great support. She helped me lose weight after I had Beckham.
Over lunch we talked about this man that we saw on TLC. He has helped several stars lose weight. He has a 4 step process. 1. Eat when your hungry 2. Eat what you want 3. Put your fork and knife down after every bite 4. Chew each bite 20 times. He is convinced that if you follow these rules that you can and will lose weight. This is why Melissa is such a good example to me. As we were eating at the Smokehouse, I was scarfing down my salad and Thai Chicken Pizza while Melissa immediately applied this technique. She ended up eating only a 1/4 of her pizza and I ended up eating the ENTIRE slice. These aren't small slices either. She really felt full after that 1/4 was gone. I really felt like I should slow down too, but the food tasted so good and I didn't want to. But I new I should. Why is it that she could apply this technique right away and I felt like I had to think about it and "start on Monday". How many of us will start a new on Monday, or next Month. Because I felt so guilty about scarfing down my food, I came home and helped myself to some more Easter Candy. There you go muffin top, keep getting bigger. Why can't I be more like Melissa? Well, Why Not? I am going to apply this to my very next meal. Which for me, due to my busy cooking and baking day that I've had, will be dinner. And I am going to apply this technique to every meal. I wont be denying myself anything, I'll just be more aware of what and how much I'm eating.
Over lunch we talked about this man that we saw on TLC. He has helped several stars lose weight. He has a 4 step process. 1. Eat when your hungry 2. Eat what you want 3. Put your fork and knife down after every bite 4. Chew each bite 20 times. He is convinced that if you follow these rules that you can and will lose weight. This is why Melissa is such a good example to me. As we were eating at the Smokehouse, I was scarfing down my salad and Thai Chicken Pizza while Melissa immediately applied this technique. She ended up eating only a 1/4 of her pizza and I ended up eating the ENTIRE slice. These aren't small slices either. She really felt full after that 1/4 was gone. I really felt like I should slow down too, but the food tasted so good and I didn't want to. But I new I should. Why is it that she could apply this technique right away and I felt like I had to think about it and "start on Monday". How many of us will start a new on Monday, or next Month. Because I felt so guilty about scarfing down my food, I came home and helped myself to some more Easter Candy. There you go muffin top, keep getting bigger. Why can't I be more like Melissa? Well, Why Not? I am going to apply this to my very next meal. Which for me, due to my busy cooking and baking day that I've had, will be dinner. And I am going to apply this technique to every meal. I wont be denying myself anything, I'll just be more aware of what and how much I'm eating.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
So it Begins
There are many beginnings in Life. For me, I have began to lose weight countless numbers of times. Most of the time with extreme disappointment and failure. Only once in my life was I successful at losing weight and that was after the birth of my second child. Recently given birth to my 6th child I am going to begin again on the journey of weight loss. Although I don't want to call it weight loss. What I really want to do is begin to change my life style. The way I think about food, and how it's incorporated into my life.
I have a Love/Hate relationship with food. I LoVe to eat food, I love to cook food. But I hate how food makes me feel when I eat too much of it, or when food controls me. I am tired of the battle. I am tired of being fat, frumpy, and frazzled all the time. I am ready to begin a new me. And I would love to have help along the way. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this very problem. Some of you may struggle more then me, some less. But wouldn't it be nice to have someplace to go, to confess our deepest darkest fears about food. Express how we feel, and in the end, losing some of our rear ends? That is what I am hoping this blog will do. I need an outlet where I can vent, and receive help along the way. So join me, in beginning again.
I have a Love/Hate relationship with food. I LoVe to eat food, I love to cook food. But I hate how food makes me feel when I eat too much of it, or when food controls me. I am tired of the battle. I am tired of being fat, frumpy, and frazzled all the time. I am ready to begin a new me. And I would love to have help along the way. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this very problem. Some of you may struggle more then me, some less. But wouldn't it be nice to have someplace to go, to confess our deepest darkest fears about food. Express how we feel, and in the end, losing some of our rear ends? That is what I am hoping this blog will do. I need an outlet where I can vent, and receive help along the way. So join me, in beginning again.
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