It's Working!!!!!!

The last time I weighed in was the day after my 37th birthday.  I lost 4lbs.  It felt amazing.  I wasn't broken.  It gave me the motivation to keep doing what I was doing.  It made eating less, easier.  It made saying no to certain foods easier.  It gave me no desire for soda.  It gave me a desire to work harder in my work-outs.   And let me tell you, it's working.  I didn't want to weigh in again until the end of the month.  I couldn't play the scale game.  It does murder on my emotions.  Today was the day for me to weigh in.  I was thrilled with the results.  I have lost another 7lbs!!!  My goal was to lose 15lbs before my trip to Disneyland with my husband.  I am so so so close.  And it feels amazing.  I recognize that the medication my Dr. gave me is really helping to suppress my appetite.  At this point, I needed some kind of help, and that is the help I needed.  I have such a strong desire to make the right choices.  I'm grateful for the help it is giving me.  I needed this boost. 

There have been a few hard things that I've had to face this last week.  It has driven me to the gas station for a Diet Coke.  And one of those times I chose to get package of coconut m&m's.  I knew what I was doing an allow my emotions to drive my eating.  Then I stopped.  I knew that those items can not comfort me.  They've never been able to comfort.  I end up self sabotaging in the past.  I stopped, fell to my knees and pleaded to the one that can give me comfort.  I prayed for help.  I prayed for strength.  Life is hard, but I can't let life get in the way of my success.  I've let it in the past, and I refuse to allow certain hard things prevent my progress. 

Working out has gotten hard too.  But that's another kind of hard. 

Triumphs and Slip-ups

February is almost over.  I can't believe it.  It's gone by really fast.  In addition to all those birthdays I had a Couple's Party to plan, and put together some costumes for my kids.  When I stress out I usually tend to eat my way through it.  This time I was grounded.  I wrote down all the things that needed to be done and prioritized them.  In the process avoiding a melt-down.  That is a huge triumph for myself. 

Aside from the stress of events, I had the stress of being a mother to a teenage son. I realize that all teens are dramatic.  I just assumed that drama was reserved for only the girls.  My son proved that theory to be wrong.  He loves his hair.  He spends hours on it every morning perfecting it.  To get it to be just so, he has to have hair spray.  Well, he ran out and you thought the world was going to come to an end.  He refused to go to school.  When I helped to make his hair look decent, but not the way he liked it, he just about started crying, NO JOKE.  He just about missed the bus too.  I was so pissed at him.  I lost it after he stepped out the door.  On top of all the other items I was dealing with, my son had to throw a huge heaving wrench at me.  This is where my slip-up comes in.  I made a pre-meditated choice to go the gas station get a diet coke and something chocolate!  Just my luck, it's close enough to easter that cadbury mini eggs were being sold in those small individual size.  ***sigh***  Music to my over burdened heart.  I fed my anger, I fed my frustration, and I fed my emotion.  But I made the choice, owned it and moved on!  Normally something like this would spiral me down, down, down.  It would be weeks before I could pull myself out of it. 

Here is where fear has been removed and replaced with faith and a desire to succeed.  Yes, I had a bad day.  Yes, I ate soda and chocolate.  But I refuse to let one bad day get in my way. 

I have to admit, another feeling I was feeling after my son left the house was guilt.  It was sorta my fault for not getting more hair spray.  But that doesn't justify his behavior.  I kept thinking, what if something happens to him and our last exchange was this one.  I was going to write a note apologizing to him and letting him know how sorry I was and that I loved him.  And that we would get more hairspray for him.  He called me as soon as he got to school and asked to come home since he was having a bad day.  I ended up picking him up after the other kids were off to school.  We got some hair spray, he re-did his hair, ate some breakfast and he was back to school.  I'm not sure what kind of mom that makes me?  All I know is that my son was happy to go back to school, he learned a great lesson in seminary, and we are still on good speaking terms. 

Another triumph that I had was last night at the couple's party.  I grabbed a barbeque chicken sandwich.  I put a dollop of potato salad and some other delicious fruit, jello-y salad and a lot of a green salad.  I took one bite of the chicken sandwich and didn't eat the rest.  I knew that the first ingredient in the sauce was high fructose corn syrup.  I refuse to put that into my body.  I instead grabbed for the orange and sliced cucumber I brought for myself.  I also didn't get a piece of cake.  Which I'm glad I didn't cuz the frosting was nasty! 

There are still a lot of improvements that I can make in my life.  I'm not perfect, but I'm climbing my mountain now.  I've stopped being afraid and started moving forward.  It feels great.  It feels awesome to have my clothes start to feel a little lose.  That in and of itself is motivation.  I envision the person that I want to be, and I am excited because I know that I will become her by the end of the year.  I am so excited that I get butterflies in my stomach.  Faith and Desire are my driving force.  It's a completely different feel then anger and hate.  Such a better way to change your life. 

Progress

I made it through my birthday "week".  I never can seem to stick to one trip to a restaurant.  This time, I went out 3 times.  I feel so lucky since eating out is something that I LOVE to do!!   I am so proud of the way I handled myself each time.  I didn't over eat, I enjoyed myself and I didn't feel guilty at all.  Now the trick is, getting through the rest of February with Valentine's being tomorrow, my son's birthday on Sunday and my Twins birthday a week and a half later.  Its an overly busy month, but one that I am grateful for. 

I feel like things are going so great.  yesterday and today I did a workout on the treadmill which helped me burn 300 calories in 30 minutes.  In addition to that I discovered that I can run faster and harder then I thought I was capable of.  I kept using my weight as the reason I couldn't fun fast or hard.  Well, I just disproved that I it feels awesome!!  I keep thinking of all those contestants on the biggest loser who run on the treadmill when they are 100's of pounds overweight.  If they can do, shoot, so can I. 

I forget how exhilarating it feels to push yourself hard.  To look back at what you just did and think, "That's right, I just did that!"  I love the tingle that comes afterwards.  I love the red hot face and the sweat dripping in my eyes.  How could I have forgotten how much I love this?  Because I was doing it for the wrong reasons last time.  This time I'm doing it out of love, and not hate. 

Over the past two weeks I have been praying to have fear removed from my heart and replaced with faith.  I might have mentioned this previously, but fear and doubt or leaving my heart.  I am more committed to myself then I ever have been before.  For the first time I have hope.  I'm not doubting that what I'm doing is going to show results.  Things are falling into place and I am so grateful for that. 

I'm Not Broken

For some odd reason I felt a little thinner this morning then I did yesterday.  So I decided to get on the scale.  What was I thinking?  I told myself that I wouldn't be stepping on the scale and that I would just use my clothes as my gauge.  The desire to lose weight is just to strong to stay away from the scale.  To my utter delight, the scale was down, a lot.  I had to get on and off 3 times to confirm that it wasn't a hoax.  I went through my morning still in shock.  I didn't eat or drink anything before I went to work out with Melissa.  I wanted to see if the number was true.  A few hours later I got on the scale, it went up a tad.  How may I ask does it do that?  Especially when your body is doing more expelling of liquids then ingesting?  But what ev.  The scale was still down. 

I texted Melissa to tell her I was coming over early to weigh in.  I took the scale in to a spare room, striped down to my sci-vies and stepped on her scale.  Which, I might add is NEVER nice to me.  I was shocked, by what I saw.  It read the same as my scale at home.  SUCCESS, I'M NOT BROKEN!!  I am down 4lbs!!  After Melissa's 9am clients left she asked me how it went and when I told her the number I started to cry.  What another tender mercy for me.  All this hard work that I have been putting in with my nutrition is finally starting to pay off.  And the beautiful thing about all of it, is that I'm not being weird about my food, or hurting myself, or depriving myself, or (most important) hating myself. 

What motivation to see the scale go down.  How rewarding as well.  Now, I don't want to do anything to take that success away from me.  I realize I still need to eat, but eating is less attractive to me.  I think that has a lot to do with the phertmine.  At this point, I don't care.  What I'm doing is working and that's all that matters to me. 

I am excited to see what happens when I introduce more exercise. 

Happy Be-lated Birthday to me!! 

Choose your Hard

Today I tried out a new DVD that I bought.  Jillian Michael's 30 day shred.  The front cover tells you, you can lose up to 20lbs in 30 days.  I'm thinking to myself, that would be awesome.  But the key to that kind of success is in the eating.  I also borrowed a Jillian Michael's book from Melissa called Mastering your Metabolism.  I love this book.  It doesn't have a super crazy diet to follow.  Fairly straight forward and simple.  And basically what I've been trying convince myself of for a long time.  No need to count calories or kill yourself in the gym.  As long as you are eating whole foods, grains, fruits and vegetables with good lean protein, you will have optimum health.  This is what I am putting my full faith into this time. 

I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need to exercise.  But who am I kidding.  Exercise will help me in so many other ways.  I know I've had this conversation before, but it's true.  I would rather be heavy set and fit, rather then crack hore skinny and on the verge of death.  I enjoyed the short,intense work out that 30 shred provided.  My heart rate was elevated,I was sweating, and it was hard.  But it has to be hard for me to see results.  I know this is the mental block that I'm having.  I don't want anything to be hard.  I want it to be easy.  But if it were easy everyone would be doing it.  I liked this quote I found on pinterest, again:



I am choosing my hard.  I am choosing to lose weight.  I know how hard it is to be overweight and I don't want that hard anymore.  It's not a rewarding hard.  I want something hard to do that will make me finally feel good about myself.  I want a hard that will transform my life into something beautiful. 

Plugging

I'm still moving along.  Saturday I filled a prescription to suppress my appetite and give me energy.  Well, I'm not sure it did either today.  I'm not sure if I didn't eat much today out of desire or if the meds really were working.  Either way, I ate only 3 times, and had one protein shake.  That is a great day.  I'm not sure how many calories I consumed.  I'm trying to get away from that.  I'm just trying to stick to the Body for Life philosophy.    A portion of protein, a portion of carb and with 2 meals a vegetable.  Of course I'm trying to add way more vegetables.  I failed at that today, but I will be better tomorrow. 

I haven't noticed any changes in my body.  I refuse to get on the scale because that just plays mind tricks on me.  I know that what I'm doing will make a difference though.  I have faith that it will. 

I have a hard time working out on Monday's, in the winter.  I love getting out on the pavement in the sun.  Right now I'm just not that motivated, still.  Ugh!  I only have a few weeks before I start my year of traveling and I want to be down a few pounds.  I don't want to be swollen either.  I guess the one good super highlight of the day is that I had no soda and no sweets.  I made some more no sugar cookies today out of bananas and oatmeal.  They are good for what they are.  I'm sure I can make them better.  I just have to continue to experiment.  The idea of orange, chocolate and craisins went through my brain.

My good intentions seemed to slip a lot on Friday.  Weekends have notoriously been really hard for me.  This time around was no different.  But I didn't go crazy like I normally would.  I enjoyed guilt free soda and a few more sweets.  Bring on the gummy bears sixlets. 

I want to lose weight so badly.  That is the truth.  Yes, i want health and a long life.  But I also would like to lose weight.  I would still like to feel light on my feet.  I would like to be able to easily put on my shoes without my gut getting in the way.  I would like to look in the mirror and not see a chubby swollen face. 

Right now I have super good intentions.  I am striving to eat more healthy, whole, no processed foods.  That alone has to be helpful. 

At least I'm not walking around the bottom of my mountain with my hands in my pockets and my head held low.  I'm finally just doing it.  Stop the whining and the complaining and JUST IT!!