The Fire and Desire is Blazing Hot!

I know, I know, I know!!! I'm hot then I'm cold. I'm in then I'm out. It's yes then it's no. I've finally gotten to that hot place where I'm in the groove again and ready to say yes to good choices. It didn't take much for me to get to this place. Just my clothes feeling a little tighter, watching my gut pooch out during tae-bo, and just being sick and tired of being a size 16. I'm ready to make the changes I need to lose this extra 20lbs. Which seems like a lot, but it's not 120lbs. So in all reality it's not a ton of weight to lose. Just that extra weight that I've been carrying around for the past 2 years. I've finally gotten to the place where this size and weight just isn't good enough for me. I know I can look better and feel better. Besides, this extra 20lbs is keeping me from being the best me. Even though I'm the biggest in Tae-bo I feel like I work the hardest. And if I didn't have this extra weight I would be kicking everybodies cuses. I'm ready to run faster, farther. I'm ready to wear 2-3 sizes smaller. And by golly I'm ready to go. I had an amazing first day. I lost my head for a few seconds and put a 2 or 3 hot tamales in my mouth. But other then that, it was a glorious beginning. Not only was my eating right on target but I was at the gym at 5am and ran/walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes. My trainer requires me to go for 90 minutes. I'm going to have to do something after the kids are in bed to get that extra 30 minutes. I feel pretty great about actually getting my fat cus out of bed and to the gym. Mondays are so stinking hard. Especially after a super long weekend filled with Thanksgiving dinner, my son turning 12, and hosting 3 parties. Nuts nuts nuts.

My desire is HOT!!! I can feel it burning me up. It's go time. (I know, I'm lame)

breakfast:
2 slices turkey bacon
1 egg
1 bran bread
1 clementine

snack:
cottage cheese
mandarin oranges

lunch:
egg salad sandwich
carrots

snack:
1 oz cheese
fat free ranch dip
(this was an indulgence, but it was just what I needed)

dinner:
salad with bacon, cabbage and avacado

total calories: 1200

exercise: 60 minutes on treadmill
calories burned:480

Punching the Bag

This past Saturday I actually got myself out of bed, only because I couldn't sleep anymore, and went to the gym. I was a little disappointed when the few women in there started to pull out the punching bags. I just wanted to get in some good Tae-bo. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I loved hitting those bags. It was invigorating. It was empowering. It was theraputic. It was just what I needed. I had had a pretty rough week emotionally and it was awesome to take my frustration out on a bag. I could feel all the tention in body release with the hits and kicks to that simple yet complex bag. I was sad to find out that next Saturday will be the last class for that specific instructor. This is her last week. I am sad. No more tae-bo and 7am Saturday classes. Bummer. I guess I'll just have to expand my horizon and find other classes to enjoy.

I didn't get up this morning. Mondays are very hard for me to get out of bed. I am spent from the weekend. My body is trying to recover from the crap that I ate all weekend long. I use those as excuses to stay in bed. I find Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays very easy to get out of bed. Sometimes Fridays. I need to work on Mondays.

I was expressing my frustration to Melissa about not having much success with runing and weight loss. Setting those 5k goals over the summer was suppose to get me to lose weight. Then she told me it has to happen at both ends. The eating and the exercise. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

It is what it is though.

I reminded my children this evening at FHE that we were given the word of wisdom for many reasons. And one of them was a guide line of foods we should and should not be eating. Fruits and Veggies being at the top of the list. I need to do better, still. It's just like everything else in life, it has to be a priority. Right now, it's not. And it needs to be. I'll start praying once again to learn to love and prepare veggies and salads. I have to. I have years and years of bad habits to overcome and I can't do this by myself. I keep telling myself this cause I constantly need to be reminded.

I just need to step up and get it done. No more justifying, no more complaining, no more excuses.

I need to punch a bag everyday.

Staying within the bounds

Since being more faithful in attending the Temple, something popped out to me that was very powerful. I was reminded that appetites and passions should be kept within the bounds the Lord has set. Yup, that's right. My eating is more then just a struggle, I made a covenant to control my appetite. Am I fullfilling that covenant I made? Not really. But because it's a covenant I know that if I work hard to obey it, the Lord will help me. It's amazing to me how weight, our bodies and our spirits are so intimately connected. Usually when we feel good about life, and feel good spiritually we treat ourselves with more love i.e. eating well, exercise. But when we feel opposite, we treat ourselves the way satan would have us treat our bodies, like their expendable and worthless. Which we are not. It's so important to me that I connect my spirituality with my mortality. That I work on controling my appetite because that's what I promised to do. I no longer want to be breaking a promise that I made with a Loving Heavenly Father. We make those promises so we can be happy and find joy. I know that if I can learn to control my appetite I will find joy. Who doesn't want joy and happiness in their lives?

breakfast:
eggs and turkey bacon
2 slices bran bread

snack:
none which made me light headed and weak

lunch:
3/4 of a Jay dog; this is NOT on the prescribed eating plan. But when you haven't eaten in 5 hrs logical thinking goes out the window and you what you can get your hands on.
frozen yogurt with fresh strawberries and granola

snack:
none

dinner:
slice of pizza

all the crap I consumed today:
2 smarties, 2 salt water taffy, twix bar, handful of junior mints, handful of chocolate chips.

Boy, that's a whole lot of confessing isn't it? I still have such a long ways to go before I'm controlling my appetite. I wonder how long my control will be stronger then my sweet tooth?

Where's the meat?

That's the question my daughter asked me on Monday. I was making dinner and she was wondering where the meat was. I informed her that you don't have to eat every night for dinner. Before I realized it, we have had 4 vegetarian meals this week. I didn't mean for that to happen it just did. No one complained. I don't think the rest of my kids even noticed that we weren't eating meat. I think the reason it happened was for financial reasons. Meat is expensive. Beans and rice are not. I sure made good use of the beans, and the rice.

I had a revelation today while working out with Melissa. If I just dedicate myself to hard work for 3 months, I could finish losing the weight that keeps haunting me. Just 3 months of being strict and crazy will allow me the freedom that I so much crave. What am I going to do with revelation? I don't know, we'll just have to see. I've always wanted to be a caterpillar in the winter, and emerge in the springtime a beautiful butterfly. Winter great because you can hide so much with sweatshirts and jeans. I want to come out of winter a new person. Is it doable? It sure is. And with Melissa's help she can make my dream a reality. I think she wants this for me more then I want it for myself. She's seen me struggle with my weight ever since we've known each other. She says she invisions me being the person I long to be. Now if I can just invision that for myself. I need to try harder at that technique. I can start asking myself what a 160 woman would do. I think I'll start that technique again, but try even harder to invision myself at that weight.

Oh the potential!!!

breakfast:
yogurt and granola(120)
eggs(95)

snack:
none

lunch:
dos sopes(400)
salad(60)
bite size crunch bar(60)

snack:
a few pices of candy(60)

dinner:
baked potato(500)

total calories consumed:1255

exercise: Tae-bo 45min
calories burned: 400

exercise: strength training 60min
calories burned:400

total calories burned: 800

Changing my life Today

I love it when the Biggest Loser is on. It's such an inspiring show. Last night they were in Washington D.C. I have been there several times to visit my sister. It was exhilarating to watch the contestants compete in places I have been. It made me long to see my sister and visit that amazing city again. Well, I get to see my sister in 3 short weeks. I am thrilled beyond measure.

I digress

During the work-out session that Jillian and Bob did with those average American's Bob said something that was very powerful to me. He said(something to this effect)" Today you are doing something to change your life." That's what it's all about. Taking it one day at a time. Doing your best in just one day. And those days will begin to stack up and soon you'll realize that you've had a month of "good days". Days that have changed your life, moved in the direction towards the person you want so badly to become. A day where you ventured to eat a new vegetable. A day where you decided to push yourself a little harder on the treadmill or on your walk. A day where you decided you were going to run, instead of just walk. Every day we can do something to change our life. What am I going to do today to change my life? Try a new salad recipe and share it with the rest of you.

In my mind a key to my success is learning to love and enjoy salads. There are a million different varieties out there and I want to start incorporating them into my every day life. If we are what we eat, then I want to become a salad.

breakfast:
1/4 cup oatmeal with brown sugar(135)
2 slices turkey bacon(140)

snack:
cottage cheese and mandarine oranges(250)

lunch:
2 sopes (500)

snack:
stinking tootsie rolls(200) Thank heaven's these things are gone!! The rest of the Halloween Candy is going in the Trash!!!!

Dinner:
stuffed bell pepper with white beans and rice
a delicious salad with a orange vinaigrette(recipe to the left)

Still sabotaging

Today has been a much better day. It started out at the gym. I warmed up on the treadmill for a measly 5 minutes. Then it was off to Tae-Bo. I was sad to find out that the instructor is moving or something because she's not going to be here for much longer. Sad. I really liked her 2 years ago when I went to her class. Any-hoo. Her class was super tough this morning. We did reps of 100 for a lot of different exercises and it was not easy. Towards the end of the work out, when we were already tired, she had us doing burpees. If you don't know what those are, let me describe it to you. You do a squat touching your hands to the floor, you jump back into a push-up position, jump back to the squat position and stand back up. Ya, it's tough. I don't know how many we did but as I looked around me and watched myself in the mirror I realized that I was one of only a handful of women that was still doing them. Ya for the fat girl!!! I did have to take a slight rest, but then jumped right back into it. I was so excited that I could keep up. It was very empowering to me. I was super red in the face, unlike some of the women, but I knew I was working hard. And it felt AWESOME!!! I can't wait to go back on Thursday.

As I was walking to my car I was flooded with feelings of disappointment and discouragment. Funny how a woman's mind works. First feelings of accomplishment, then thoughts of failure quickly take over. I kept thinking how my eating is sabotaging me. I am still working my rear end off with Melissa. It's not quite as intense since she's pregnant and not feeling good. But still, I'm working hard. If I could just get my eating in sync with my exercise I would be one lean mean, sexy fighting machine!!!

It still is so frustrating to me that food has such a hold on my life. That satan has such a grasp on me. It just doesn't seem fair. But life isn't suppose to be fair. We all have our struggles, and like I've mentioned before, this is mine.

I did have a much better eating day today. I still snacked on the Halloween candy, but just the tootsie rolls. Yes, it's still empty calories, but not as much fat. I put the bowl in the pantry. Thank goodness most of the good stuff is gone. That didn't take long at all.

I decided that I am going to follow the Body for Life eating program. It's simple, straight forward and I've had success with it before. You have a portion of protien, a portion of carb, a veggie with lunch and dinner and the best part, I get to eat every 2-3 hours. I'm better at grazing. I hope switching to this program will work for me. I don't want to be bogged down by my eating any longer. It's no fun. I want all my exercise to finally start paying off. If I'd just stick to a good eating program the fat would just start melting away. Ya right. Not with my luck. It's still worth a shot!!

breakfast:
2 slices toast(180)
breakfast drink(260)

lunch:
chicken sandwich(380)
a few baked lays(100)

snack:
tootsie rolls(200 a guess)

dinner:
7 layer bean dip(400)
8 tortilla chips(150)

total calories:1580(whoops)



exercise: tae-bo 45 minutes
calories burned: 350

exercise: core work out 60 minutes
calories burned: 300

Say Hello to Temptation

This is what's staring me in the face today!!! Two huge bowls of freaking Halloween Candy. I can just feel my gut getting bigger as I sit here just looking at it. It makes my drive to be a strong woman, stronger. I can't let this shiz hold me back from my potential. It's easy to say that in the morning and after you've had a weekend of no control. But what am I going to feel like after lunch when my hunger for something sweet hits me? Am I going to allow myself a small piece? Or will that small piece turn into 3 or 4 or 5 or possibly more? So do I just not put a single piece of wretched candy in my mouth? That seems to be the right answer. Melissa always tells me to look at candy as the most disgusting thing on the earth, repulsive, nasty, vomitus. Not just candy, but other items that can cause your health to go out the window. You know what I'm talking about, chips, white bread, frozen burritos, you get the idea. When you think of those things as repulsive it should be easy. I haven't used this technique yet, but I think I might start today. Candy is NOT good, it is NOT my friend and will only cause me anger and frustration and a front butt and a bedonkedonk butt. No thank you.

I wasn't strong enough to resist the Temptation. But like Dr. Oz says, make an immediate U-turn and start going in the right direction. So that's what I'm doing. I messed up, but I'm not going to ruin the rest of the day. I'm putting the candy way up high in my pantry and shutting the door. I put a piece of gum in my mouth and filled a large cup with ice water. I'm not going to progress if I keep making these mistakes. But I refuse to beat myself up over it. That's counterproductive as well. I'm just taking that U-turn and going to finish the day off the right way.

I failed miserably today. It sucked. I never took that U-turn. I never put the candy up.

It has to change tomorrow. I hate how my clothes are beginning to get snug again. That's bad that's really really bad.

Hopefully a morning at the gym will kick start me into some eating well. Let's cross our fingers

breakfast:
cottage cheese and mandarine oranges
2 slices turkey bacon

lunch:
1 corn quesadilla
1 cup cabbage soup

snack:
more cottage cheese and mandarine oranges

dinner:
home made white beans in a tortilla
1/4 cup applesauce.

plus grazing on candy all day long. If I could have stopped the grazing, I would have had a decent day. Yes, i still need more veggies in my diet. More prayers are needed.