Just a few thoughts, wish they were better

The sorry horrible truth is that I am jealous of all these people who are accomplishing what I have been trying to do for years and years and years.  Lose weight, be a smaller size, and be a good runner.  I think I'm just having a pity party right now and just need to vent.  What am I going to do with all these feelings of jealousy and envy?  Nothing but get my own butt in gear.  I have no one else to blame for the state that I am in except myself.  Yes, I have made improvements, but none of them physically.  I sure hope the physical part comes soon.  I just don't think it's fair.  I have a hard time reading about others success when I sit here in all my chubby glory.  I guess I have to find solace in the fact that I am just doing it a little slower and when I finally make it to that coveted place it will be permanent.  And not fleeting.  Nothing that I have to keep fighting for.  That thought gives me hope.

I have to remember that my situation is different then everyone else.  I have my own challenges to face and my own mountains to climb.  I am okay with my own struggles.  They are mine and I can deal with them. 

I feel better already.  I am not going to let these disappointing feelings keep me down.  Besides, I have done tons better with my eating.  And that's saying a lot.  Okay, it's only been two days.  But it's starting to come naturally.  Thanks heaven's for that.  I've been eating a lot more salads, veggies, and green smoothies.  Today I added a huge handful of spinach, 1/2 roasted beet(cuz of it's natural sweetness), handful of frozen berries, few spoonfuls of greek yogurt, some agave and ice.  Blended it with a little bit of milk and it was delicious.  No, I'm serious, it really was good.  And the amazing part, it kicked my 3 pm craving and I'm still full from it.  That is another miracle in and of it's self.

Things are getting better.  I was just feeling sorry for my chubby butt.  Is it possible to have a firm chubby butt?

Listening

I was introduced to a book over the weekend that I am super excited about.  I hate the title, but I love the philosophy.  The title of the book is "I can make you thin."  Blah.  But don't judge a book by it's cover, or it's title for that matter.  He talks about 4 golden rules.  He goes into the depth about each of them but to sum it up the golden rules are:  1. Eat when you are hungry, 2. Eat what you want(what your body wants), 3. Enjoy what you are eating(savor it without distraction), and 4. Stop eating when you are full, or when you think your full.  Sounds too simple to be true, right?  Everything about these 4 golden rules sounds right.  When we were babies we were masters at this.  We screamed when we were hungry, we ate exactly what we wanted and if you've ever watched a baby begin to nurse, their eyes roll to the back of their heads.  I think they know how to savor what they eat and they STOP eating when they are full.  This continues on well into their toddler years.  At what point this stops, I'm not sure.  Babies are nurtured, and they listen to what their bodies are telling me.  We, as adults need to remember to do the same.  LISTEN, I mean really listen to what your body is telling you it wants.  I've done this for just a few short days, and I have noticed a shift in how I already think about food.  I am thrilled to be following something that doesn't tell me what I can and can not eat.
There is a lot more to the book.  I will let you know how things progress.  I am really excited about the prospects and outcome from just listening to my body cues.   It's so simple, it might just work.

Through Different Eyes

I had been debating on whether or not to watch the Biggest Loser.  I love that show.  But I always have mixed feelings.  I love being inspired by it especially when I have 1/10th of the weight to lose.  At the same time I also feel disappointed in myself when I can't achieve the same result.  Which I understand is a silly thought. 

Yesterday I felt like being inspired.  And inspired I was.  It came in one moment with a big tall black retired football player and Bob.  In that moment this big burly black man was crumbled in the grass crying.  Bob told him that he was an athlete.  This man disagreed.  Bob then said something very profound.  He said something to this effect:  You need to start looking at yourself the way I see you, as an athlete and strong.  I just started to cry.  I look at myself so much differently then those that love me do.  Especially my Heavenly Father.  I need to start seeing myself as my loving Heavenly Father sees me.  But that is easier said then done.  But to be successful in becoming a runner and a hiker, this is so vital. 

Those that love us see us through different eyes.  Yes, they may see our weaknesses, but we focus on those well enough.  Most of the time those that love us see the good in us and our great potential.  Along with nurturing myself, I need to start seeing the good in myself and the great potential that I have.   I think you could probably spend a lifetime trying to overcome your weakness and seeing the good in ourselves.  But life is a journey a process.  Every little step toward progress is a success and should be celebrated.  Life is about finding joy in those small moments and holding onto them and never forgetting that we are all good.  Heavenly Father doesn't demand perfection.  He just wants us to do our best.  In doing our best we find progress.

Harder then I thought

Not eating any sugar is harder then I thought.  Or maybe I'm just afraid of missing out.  I love candy so much, it's ridiculous.  I bought junior mints yesterday and ate the whole box while watching trash t.v.   Instead of moving forward, I am slipping into some really poor poor habits.  I think it's the whole, "i'm never going to have that again" feeling when I try and attempt to improve my life.  But I am not going to deny myself anything so I need to come up with a better strategy.  That strategy is to prepare myself some really good and really healthy alternatives.  Like home made cliff bars which I'm going to learn how to make today. 

I still made good food yesterday.  For dinner I made butternut squash soup and it was divine and nothing to it.  I am going to use the same technique to make a beet soup. 

I"m conflicted.  I hate having personal conflict.  I want to improve my life but not at the risk of hating myself.  I've done that too much and too often.  I think I'm just being too hard on myself and looking still for perfection.  I keep needing to remind myself that this is about progress.  My desire is there.  And I am doing so much better then I was last week or the week before. 

Progress.  What am I going to do better today?  Focus more on organizing myself.  Organizing meals and snacks and just being prepared.  Stop being so hard on myself.  That is the opposite of nurture.  I want to nurture myself and work with my body and spirit to get to where I so badly want to be.  I'm eating those things because I am fighting with myself.  Do I truly believe that I deserve to treat myself with love, kindness, and respect?  More so today then a year ago.  I still need to work on that.  But I deserve every good thing for my body.  It is a beautiful gift that gives and gives all day long.  I keep telling myself that.  And it's the truth.  I want this gift to keep on giving.  I need to do what I need to do today to make that happen.  Balance, Organization and Moderation.  A few junior mints would have been okay, just not the whole box.

Progress not Perfection

Tuesday was a much better day.  My desire to eat healthy was strong, and it has been for several months.  It's just this bad habit of turning to super easy things to eat and I love the way sugar tastes in my mouth.  I'm beginning to hate what it does to my body.   It's too bad that good things take a minute to cook.  But in the long run I can see some benefit in that as well.  I can take the time to think about what it is that I am making, preparing, and cooking and how good it is for me. I can also think about how grateful I am that I have good food to eat to help my body become what God intended it to be.  This may sound silly.  But I think there is great power behind doing this.  I am going to give it a go.

What did I eat yesterday.  Toast and a peach for breakfast.  Lunch I had left over broccoli soup, beet salad with balsamic vinaigrette, and roasted butternut squash.  I also had a slice of whole wheat bread with pb and j on it for my sweet fix. 

I snacked on a relish tray.  In my desire to eat more grains I attempted to make some super healthy muffins.  I think it was a success.  In 24 muffins there was just 4 TBL of oil, and 1/2 cup brown sugar.  I substituted bananas for the sweet and applesauce for the fat.  I also added bran and whole wheat.  They were hearty and delicious.  If you'd like the recipe you can get it here at A Happy Healthy Heritage.  My good friend Melissa sucked me into doing another blog.  But this one is awesome and I'm super excited to start sharing all my yummy recipes. 

Although my day wasn't perfect.  I am not looking for perfection, I'm looking for progress.  It was a good day.  I got in a jog, was conscious of what I ate and loved everything I made.  I think that is a good day. 

I still have pain from Monday.  But I guess that is good too.  I hope to work on my upper body today to balance out the hurt.

No Pain, No Gain

So, the burning question is how did I do yesterday?  Well, no sacrifice was given.  I did end up throwing away the ice cream in my freezer, but not until after I saved the mint chocolate chip.  I couldn't let my fav. flavor go to waste.  When I left the house yesterday I left super hungry and without eating anything.  Not smart, for anyone to do.  So I ended up eating a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell, and purchasing a York Peppermint Patty from Shopko.  Again, no good.  At dinner I was going to indulge in my roasted butternut squash and beets.  But decided against it since I didn't have a "perfect" day.  Again I just ate what I fixed for dinner which was cheddar broccoli soup, heavy on the broccoli light on the cheddar.  Then it was time for dessert after FHE.  I thought I didn't want it, but I ended up taking a chocolate chip cookie and dolloping a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of it. I guess not ALL the ice cream got thrown away.  I felt no pains of sacrifice yesterday.  As I look at what I ate, no wonder I feel heavy, slow, and zapped of energy.  Things must change if I want to be a runner and a hiker!

I do have some pain today though.  I did follow through with my desire to work out every day rotating between weights and cardio.  Yesterday I did the Biggest Loser work out and I am sore sore sore today.  Painful really.  But it's a good pain.  Can pain be good?  Yes, it can be.  The soreness in my muscles is a testament of my hard work yesterday.  Even though I felt no emotional or spiritual pain yesterday, at least I gained something.  

With sacrifice comes pain.  Pain from growth and sacrifice is  something I do desire.  I know I am on the right path to becoming the person I so much desire to be.  I am grateful to be writing my journey here.  It helps me keep track of all things good and bad.  Monitoring wither or not sacrifice was made and pain felt. 

I know no one desires to feel pain.  But there is some pain which is good and helps us to grow.  I know I will feel pain as I get my sore muscles moving during my planned "run" today.  I hope to build upon that pain by sacrificing crappy foods which make me feel heavy and slow.  No more of that I say.  Bring on the light and energized!!

Sacrifice

Here I am again, on a Monday ready to change my life.  Although the last year has been a journey to change my life in a completely different way.  I feel as though this is just a continuation of that journey.  Now that I am truly grateful for my body and the things that I can do, and experiences that I have, the  next step in the journey is going to just build upon that.  But this next step is going to be hard.  Sacrifices will have to be made.  If a sacrifice doesn't hurt, it's not a good one.  I heard that somewhere, sometime ago.  The sacrifice that I will have to make has to do with food, sugar mostly.  I love to eat my red vines, candy corn, and ice cream.  But in my quest to become a good runner, a faster hiker, these types of food zap all my energy, and keep me feeling heavy.  Feeling heavy is not going to help with my running and my hiking.  I also feel as though sugar has a lot to do with me feeling tired and slow. 

And so it goes, the sacrifice that I knew was inevitable, starts today.  I know it's going to be difficult.  The only thing that I wont give up, not yet at least, it my Coke Zero.  I just can't give that up just quite yet.  I know I will need to.  Slow and steady, not all at once. 

What am I going to do today to help be on my way to being light, fit and healthy?  I'm going to throw away all the ice cream cartons in my freezer, and all the left over candy that is in my pantry.  I'm doing this because I want to.  Not because I have to.  I want a better life.  I want to feel better.  Not only am I doing this for myself, but for my kids.  I want a legacy of good eating, and an active lifestyle passed down to my children.  I am going to have a relish tray ready for my kids to devour when they get home from school.  And that will in turn help me to snack on the good things too.  It's a win/win situation.

I'll let you know how things go.