This week I started a workout challenge and a nutrition program.  I was better this week then I was last week.  There is a fire burning under my buns that has made my desire to change strong and bright.  I don't have a desire to cheat on my eating.  I wake up every day determined to get my exercise in, even on holidays and mornings that I am just exhausted.  My body is sore, but my emotions are extatic.  At the same time that I feel out of shape, I have a sense of accomplishment when I finish a workout.  I feel clean and empty when I go to bed at night, not heavy and sick.  I have stopped drinking so much soda.  After this week I'm more excited then I was last week to start my second week.  I have 90 days to complete this challenge.  I cannot wait to find out what my body is going to look like after that time frame.  I know its only been one week, but its been ONE WEEK!!  I haven't been this successful in a long time!  I am so grateful for the feelings that are surging through my body.  So different from just a few weeks ago.  I have hope.  Hope that this time will be the time that I made the changes that I have wanted for years!  Its not easy, but man, every sweat that drips down my face is worth it!  The ache in my body when I wake up tells me I'm doing the work that needs to be done.  

Here is a photo of me after a particularly intense workout.  Bright red face, sweat dripping down my chest and face.  Grose, I know, but proof that I am pushing my body.  The second photo is on the 7th day, rest day.  No sweat, just me on the only day of the week when I wear makeup.  

So excited to for Day 8!

85%

As the weeks have gone on, my resolve to be a better person, leading a healthier life has strengthened.  My efforts haven't been 100%, but I'm not required to be perfect.  My efforts are a good 85% better.  I've stopped purchasing sodas twice a day, stopped purchasing treats when I enter the store, and stopped eating out so often.  Yes, all of these are bad habits.
As I step into the store, the urge to pick up a treat is extremely strong.  Then I remember that this particular habit is one of the main reasons why I am where I am today.  Its taken strength not of my own, to overcome these urges.  I know that we all struggle with different weaknesses.  I accept this as one of mine, and it is a difficult one to overcome.  I am grateful that I have recognized it so that I can improve.

Last week I visited with a good friend who has been successful in losing some weight.  She e-mailed me a photo of her eating plan.  It is detailed and there is no guess work on my part.  I do so much better when someone tells me exactly what I need to do.  I started following it yesterday.  I understand that nutrition will be the key to my success.  The eating program is simple to follow and not restrictive.  I roasted but several chicken breast to quickly pull out of the fridge.  I also roasted some sweet potatoes.    I am trying to not eat any bread or rice after lunch.  Instead I am replacing those carbs with other complex carbs.  I know its only been not even two days, but I feel successful.  Last night I went to a play up at Sundance.  I was there quite early and I brought my dinner with me.  I ate by myself and felt amazed at myself for being so disciplined.  I know its this type of behavior that is going to help me to lose weight.

Yesterday I also started an exercise challenge.  I HATE the name of it.  But I am determined to follow through with it.  Its free, found on YouTube.  Its called Bikini Mama 90 Day Challenge.  I will NEVER wear a bikini.  Not even if I shed a thousand pounds and a flat tummy.  Still, I am excited about the challenge.  I feel out of shape.  But so excited about the prospect for change.  The woman doing it does it in real time.  Along with my nutrition I feel as though this is the path that will lead me to great success.  The workouts are just 20 minutes long.  I will be doing other cardio on top of these workouts.  Like I mentioned, my resolve is strong.

I am also trying to drink a gallon of water a day.  This is helping me to kick my soda problem.  I haven't finished a full drink in over a week.  I know drinking water helps me in other ways.

With all these changes I am beginning to feel better about myself.  I am thrilled with the prospect that just a few weeks will do for me.  After 90 days, 3 months?  I get butterflies in my stomach.

Crazy Town

Last week I finally stepped on the scale to give myself a starting point.  I just about fell to the floor into the fetal position.  I have now gained all my weight back, a total of 10lbs.  That doesn't seem like much, but it's enough for me to realize that I'm not living my ife the way I should be.  The disappointment and shock of the number blinking up at me gave me enough resolve to finally do something.  I dug my heals in yesterday.  I have a plan.  That plan is to live in crazy town for a few months.  Although today I've already dove into some carbs which is what I'm trying to stay away from.  What is crazy town, you ask?  Its the place where people reside to lose weight.  They give up there current lifestyle and do crazy things to lose weight.  I've known quite a few people whove lived in crazy town and did quite well.  I know a few people who have never left crazy and will probably be a current resident for ever.  I'm not sure I can live in crazy town all my life.  I just need a jump start into weight loss.  I know that I feel so much better when I am lighter.  I'm conflicted about my endeavor to lose weight.  I use to do it for the wrong reasons.  Now I'm doing it for all the right reasons.  But those hurtful feelings from the past creep up as I step foot onto the road into crazy.  I firmly believe that there is a way to live that will help you lose weight, keep it off and live like that for the rest of your life.  That's why crazy can only last for a few months.  A lot of people, when they leave crazy, gain most if not all their weight back.  That is exactly what I'm trying NOT to do.  In February I was very successfu in crazy town.  Then my birthday hit and I left crazy like a shot.  Its so difficult to make permanent lifestyle changes when your use to living a certain way for a good 20 years.  

As weight continues to creep up all over my body, I know that I HAVE to make these changes or I will end up a miserable old hag.  This extra weight hurts my back, my joints, slows me down, drains me of my energy.  So what am I to do to help me make these changes.  I had a wonderful conversation with my husband about a month ago.  We were talking about finances but I believe the advice he gave me can be applied to all aspects of life.  We discussed replacing a negative behavior with a positive one.  I tend to like to go to the store and spend money as a release from a stressful life.  Which isn't always the best habit.  So we devised a plan for me to focus my efforts and energy on the garden.  I usually tend to start strong in the garden and then my interest dwindles away.  But this year, I have put my full focus on the garden.  Tending it, pulling the ever growing weeds, watering it, checking for squash bugs, squishing said bugs, nasty little beggers.  I find great satisfaction when I look out my window to my back garden and see how wonderful it looks.   The exact opposite feeling that I get when I look into the mirror day after day.  Is it possible to find satisfaction in my reflection?  Is it appropriate to even have such thoughts?  Or is that worldy to want to find satisfaction in how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror.  To be honest, I'm tired of finding my reflection a disappointment.  Probably because my reflection is just more then how I physically look.  How I physically look is a direct result of how I treat my body.  And right now how I treat myself is not respectful.  I struggle to nurture myself, to be kind to myself.  A lesson I'm still trying to learn.  

I am grateful to be able to write my thoughts down.  Everytime I've kept a journal or a blog I've been successful at losing weight.  I hope and pray that I find success this time too. But I hope this time is different.  I pray this time that in the end I will have found the answer to permanent change.  I pray in the end that I will find Happines with myself and joy in the journey. 

Not much Change

This morning I stepped out to go on a walk by myself and noticed a friend up the road.  I hurried myeslf after her.  I ended up having to go for a jog to catch up to her.  But it was worth it.  I enjoyed talking with her and walking for an entire hour.  Afterwards I spent some time weeding in the garden.  I LOVE being in the garden.  I think I've mentioned this before, but it brings me so much joy.  It gets my mind off of un-important things.

I am grateful for a body that is healthy enough to walk, bike and swim.  I might not be in the best of shape.  But at least I can still get around.

I'm still working on my nutrition.  Its hard when your busy and not prepared properly.  I want to change into a person that naturally eats good healthy food despite the time constraints.

I must be feeling better since there isn't much to write about today.  I find that I am still ashamed of my bulbous stomach.  I call it the carb-gut.  I know its because of the bread and sweets that I love to eat.  To be honest, it gets in my way.  When I'm trying to stretch or put on my shoes.  Its quite embarassing really.  These are the things that motivate me to make changes.

I know things will change.  It just depends on how long it takes me to learn what ever lesson I'm destined to learn.

Food Energizers vs. Food Depleters

Today hasn't been as good of a day as yesterday.  Probably because I ate out and had some amazing nachos from Costa Vida.  My new addiction.  That queso sauce is the bomb diggidy.  It is also what's keeping me FAT!!!  I also chose to have a small bowl of ice cream.  Another habit that is keeping me FAT!!!

While putting away my clothes I was saddened by the fact that just in April most of these clothes fit me beautifully.  Now they are getting snug and that is so depressing.  I worked so hard to get where I was.  Again, the word that comes to mind is relapse.  The feelings that are surging through my body are helping me t become more determined then ever to get my life back on track!

Let me focus on the good things that happened today.  I walked my favorite route today early this morning.  It felt great to be outside and enjoying the beautiful view.  I really do live in a stunning area.  The mountains and farmland make me feel like I'm living miles from over crowded cities.  Which I guess I am, I just get transported even further on my walks.  When I stretched after my walk I found that I was still flexible as I desired to be.  My back is feeling amazing!

My cousin and I went to the Temple this morning.  There was a lot of waiting time.  Time to reflect on my goals.  Time to reflect on how I want my life to change.  No where else do I feel more at peace and more loved then in the House of the Lord.

I came home to a quiet house.  My 4 girls were at their craft camp.  That has seriously been the BEST thing for them.  And for me.  I am getting in some much needed quiet time.

I managed to fold and put away 4 loads of laundry, clean up the kitchen and sweep.  There is still gobs of cleaning to do, but that's expected in a house of 8!  Chores are NEVER done.

I feel very tired today.  My energy is low.  I think its what I've chosen to eat.  I know it is.  Yesterday I was energized all day long.  I had no lull.  I need to remember this.  Food is energy.  Well, the right kinds of food are energy.  The kinds of foods that I've been eating have been energy depleters! Exactly what I'm trying to get away from.  So what food gave me energy?  Whole wheat bread, protiens, fruits, salad and water.  That's pretty much what I ate all day yesterday. What sucked me of my energy?  Today I had sweet pork nachos, ice cream, and soda.  Just typing that makes me sick to my stomach.  No wonder I'm feeling depressed and tired.  Its not to late to end my day on a high note.   Grilled chicken salad here I come.  Although I think I just lost my appetite :)

Confessions of a Monster Mom

This morning while instructing my children on their duties for the day, I(13) asked me why I was yelling.  She said that no one was yelling at me.  In classic Monster Mom fashion I replied, "You know why I'm yelling?  Well let me tell you why..."  And proceeded to list all the reasons behind my anger and frustration.  Jobs not getting done, bathrooms being a mess, bedrooms looking like the tasmanian devil is the current resident, no one not really caring about the state of my house which is our home.  Then H(15 on saturday) pipes up, "Mom why are you acting like this?  What is wrong with you the past few days?"  So I give her the honest truth.  I tell her its because I'm suffering from a bit of depression.  She seemed worried.  I told her it is something that I've dealt with all my life.  I expressed to her that I need to change my diet and exercise and that will most likely help me.  Which is the truth.  I've battled depression before and over came it through diet and exercise.  Her attitude seemed to change almost immediately.  Then she came to me and said, "Mom, I'm always here for you to help in any way you need me to."  What a precious daughter of God I have.  Yes, she can be a monster teen too.  But I am grateful to her for reaching out to me.  The love I try to give and show her on a daily basis is paying off.
It felt good to be honest with my children.  To help them understand the madness behind my behavior.  Maybe by being honest we can help each other.  I don't have to do this on my own like I have in the past.


So far, eating has been successful today.  I had eggs, 1 slice of toast, and 1/2 pear for breakfast.  3 hours later I ate a whole wheat turkey sandwich with avacado and lettuce with a bit of cottage cheese just to get enough protien in.  I'm not hungry, and I'm not super full like I have been the past few weeks.  I had just one can of soda with lunch and no cravings for sweets afterwards.  Little confession to make, I must speak the truth if I am to overcome my weaknesses, right?  Every day after lunch I would have several cookies, or a bit of a store bought rice crispy treat, or some candy or half of a doughnut.  Even though I was full from lunch, I would still eat it.  Here is where fear comes in.  There is something deeply rooted in the core of my being that is afraid of letting go of my relationship with food.  I don't know or understand what the fear is.  I just know there is one.  It is preventing me from reaching my full potential!  This is something I have been praying to discover.

I have been successful at working around my home and the garden.  I destroyed about 6 squash bugs from off my plants in the garden.  I hate those bugs.  Last year they got the best of me and destroyed 4 of my 6 beautiful pumpkin plants.  I check on them every day.  I watered my flowers out front.  Gardening brings me so much joy.  It helps to take my mind off of other things.  Besides that, it is extremely rewarding.  My zinnias are just about to bloom.  I can't wait to see what they look like this year.  I planted a new variety.  The flower petals are variegated.  I LOVE anything that is variegated.  I believe these activities are good and healthy that benefit me and my family.  I encouraged my children to get their chores done.  I(13) still fought me along the way.  But she's been doing that her whole life.

I swam in the reservoir this afternoon.  It was refreshing.  I could have swam across and back again another time.  I think I will add this into my repertoire of exercise this summer.  Its a good thing I swam.  I burned the calories I ate in the sugar cookie the girls brought home.

All in all, today has been a lovely day.  Its been good to write everything down.

Found and Lost Again

Its been well over a year since I found peace in all facets of my life.  It wasn't until this weekend when we had to take family photos again that I hit bottom.   Its been happening for several months now.  Some professionals call it a relapse.  I'm pretty sure that is what I'm experiencing.  I got to a point where I had lost a few lbs, found strength in my marriage, loved being a mom, and new that God loved me.  That lasted for all about 5 seconds.  Most good things in my life only seem to last for about 5 seconds.  Then something slips in my brain and I relapse back into bad habits.  I let go of discipline and let laziness take over.  I think, I wont eat like this every day.  Until I am eating horribly every day.  My 32oz diet coke has turned into a 44oz diet coke, twice a day.  I think, sugar schmugar, it wont hurt me.  And then my mood changes, life around me isn't as pleasant to live.  On top of all that, I become the fat one in the family.  I always have been.  But as others dwindle down around me, my discomfort with my own skin becomes more apparent and my self-confidence gets flushed down the toilet.  I find myself turning to my husband and reveal to him that I think I'm dealing with a little bit of depression.  He is silent for a little bit and then asks, "How are your studies going."  I told him I have only dove into the scriptures for one week this summer.  I know there in lyes  my problem.  The distance between me and the Lord has grown, and now there is a gap.  This gap needs to be filled, and quickly.  I feel it getting deeper as the days go on.  I know that my diet is having a tremendous effect on my emotions and stability in life.  I have the impression that my body and how I think about it and how I treat it is one of the biggest challenges placed before me in mortality.  The tool that Satan has the greatest hold upon me.  It is a battle every single day.  Right now, I'm losing.  

So what do I do from here?  I know exactly what I need to do.  I just need to find the courage, punch fear in the face and start living the life that God intends me to live.  I'm tired of waking up feeling worthless and alone.  My brain tells me I am none of those things.  But my emotions easily hold on tight.  

Right now the lions in my head are roaring, and they are loud.  It is hard for me to hear the still small voice of love, encouragement and reason.  I need to replace bad habits with good habits.  I need to let go of trash t.v.(damn you Kardashians!), diet coke runs, sugary treats that only give me comfort for one fleeting moment,  and going to bed late.  I need to start listening to the prophets voice, waking up early, studying the word, going to bed early, rising early, and eating cleanly.  Exercise is not a problem.  I love to exercise.  

I will dedicate myself one month to improvement.  I will document my progress here.  Record what I'm doing, how I'm doing, my thoughts and feelings.  We'll see where I am at in one month.  Deep down I know I will be better.  Deep down I know that the changes I need to make need to be permanent ones.  The world complicates our lives.  Takes the simplicity out of everyday living.  I need to take out the complicated and replace it with the simple.  

Here is a photo taken last night.  I LOVE and HATE this photo.  I love it because it shows how silly, and fun I can be.  I love to embarrass my kids.  I hate this photo because it reveals how fat I have become.  The rolls in my back, by big ol'butt.  I cringe and want to cry.  Its miserable feeling this way about ones self.  I hate feeling like this, these are not new feelings.  The thing that I hate the most, is that I have to experience this often.  I want to make permanent changes where I don't have to torture myself any longer.  

Change will not come if I just sit around feeling sorry for myself.  I have to DO!!!