Crazy Town

Last week I finally stepped on the scale to give myself a starting point.  I just about fell to the floor into the fetal position.  I have now gained all my weight back, a total of 10lbs.  That doesn't seem like much, but it's enough for me to realize that I'm not living my ife the way I should be.  The disappointment and shock of the number blinking up at me gave me enough resolve to finally do something.  I dug my heals in yesterday.  I have a plan.  That plan is to live in crazy town for a few months.  Although today I've already dove into some carbs which is what I'm trying to stay away from.  What is crazy town, you ask?  Its the place where people reside to lose weight.  They give up there current lifestyle and do crazy things to lose weight.  I've known quite a few people whove lived in crazy town and did quite well.  I know a few people who have never left crazy and will probably be a current resident for ever.  I'm not sure I can live in crazy town all my life.  I just need a jump start into weight loss.  I know that I feel so much better when I am lighter.  I'm conflicted about my endeavor to lose weight.  I use to do it for the wrong reasons.  Now I'm doing it for all the right reasons.  But those hurtful feelings from the past creep up as I step foot onto the road into crazy.  I firmly believe that there is a way to live that will help you lose weight, keep it off and live like that for the rest of your life.  That's why crazy can only last for a few months.  A lot of people, when they leave crazy, gain most if not all their weight back.  That is exactly what I'm trying NOT to do.  In February I was very successfu in crazy town.  Then my birthday hit and I left crazy like a shot.  Its so difficult to make permanent lifestyle changes when your use to living a certain way for a good 20 years.  

As weight continues to creep up all over my body, I know that I HAVE to make these changes or I will end up a miserable old hag.  This extra weight hurts my back, my joints, slows me down, drains me of my energy.  So what am I to do to help me make these changes.  I had a wonderful conversation with my husband about a month ago.  We were talking about finances but I believe the advice he gave me can be applied to all aspects of life.  We discussed replacing a negative behavior with a positive one.  I tend to like to go to the store and spend money as a release from a stressful life.  Which isn't always the best habit.  So we devised a plan for me to focus my efforts and energy on the garden.  I usually tend to start strong in the garden and then my interest dwindles away.  But this year, I have put my full focus on the garden.  Tending it, pulling the ever growing weeds, watering it, checking for squash bugs, squishing said bugs, nasty little beggers.  I find great satisfaction when I look out my window to my back garden and see how wonderful it looks.   The exact opposite feeling that I get when I look into the mirror day after day.  Is it possible to find satisfaction in my reflection?  Is it appropriate to even have such thoughts?  Or is that worldy to want to find satisfaction in how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror.  To be honest, I'm tired of finding my reflection a disappointment.  Probably because my reflection is just more then how I physically look.  How I physically look is a direct result of how I treat my body.  And right now how I treat myself is not respectful.  I struggle to nurture myself, to be kind to myself.  A lesson I'm still trying to learn.  

I am grateful to be able to write my thoughts down.  Everytime I've kept a journal or a blog I've been successful at losing weight.  I hope and pray that I find success this time too. But I hope this time is different.  I pray this time that in the end I will have found the answer to permanent change.  I pray in the end that I will find Happines with myself and joy in the journey.