Its been well over a year since I found peace in all facets of my life. It wasn't until this weekend when we had to take family photos again that I hit bottom. Its been happening for several months now. Some professionals call it a relapse. I'm pretty sure that is what I'm experiencing. I got to a point where I had lost a few lbs, found strength in my marriage, loved being a mom, and new that God loved me. That lasted for all about 5 seconds. Most good things in my life only seem to last for about 5 seconds. Then something slips in my brain and I relapse back into bad habits. I let go of discipline and let laziness take over. I think, I wont eat like this every day. Until I am eating horribly every day. My 32oz diet coke has turned into a 44oz diet coke, twice a day. I think, sugar schmugar, it wont hurt me. And then my mood changes, life around me isn't as pleasant to live. On top of all that, I become the fat one in the family. I always have been. But as others dwindle down around me, my discomfort with my own skin becomes more apparent and my self-confidence gets flushed down the toilet. I find myself turning to my husband and reveal to him that I think I'm dealing with a little bit of depression. He is silent for a little bit and then asks, "How are your studies going." I told him I have only dove into the scriptures for one week this summer. I know there in lyes my problem. The distance between me and the Lord has grown, and now there is a gap. This gap needs to be filled, and quickly. I feel it getting deeper as the days go on. I know that my diet is having a tremendous effect on my emotions and stability in life. I have the impression that my body and how I think about it and how I treat it is one of the biggest challenges placed before me in mortality. The tool that Satan has the greatest hold upon me. It is a battle every single day. Right now, I'm losing.
So what do I do from here? I know exactly what I need to do. I just need to find the courage, punch fear in the face and start living the life that God intends me to live. I'm tired of waking up feeling worthless and alone. My brain tells me I am none of those things. But my emotions easily hold on tight.
Right now the lions in my head are roaring, and they are loud. It is hard for me to hear the still small voice of love, encouragement and reason. I need to replace bad habits with good habits. I need to let go of trash t.v.(damn you Kardashians!), diet coke runs, sugary treats that only give me comfort for one fleeting moment, and going to bed late. I need to start listening to the prophets voice, waking up early, studying the word, going to bed early, rising early, and eating cleanly. Exercise is not a problem. I love to exercise.
I will dedicate myself one month to improvement. I will document my progress here. Record what I'm doing, how I'm doing, my thoughts and feelings. We'll see where I am at in one month. Deep down I know I will be better. Deep down I know that the changes I need to make need to be permanent ones. The world complicates our lives. Takes the simplicity out of everyday living. I need to take out the complicated and replace it with the simple.
Here is a photo taken last night. I LOVE and HATE this photo. I love it because it shows how silly, and fun I can be. I love to embarrass my kids. I hate this photo because it reveals how fat I have become. The rolls in my back, by big ol'butt. I cringe and want to cry. Its miserable feeling this way about ones self. I hate feeling like this, these are not new feelings. The thing that I hate the most, is that I have to experience this often. I want to make permanent changes where I don't have to torture myself any longer.
Change will not come if I just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I have to DO!!!
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