This morning while instructing my children on their duties for the day, I(13) asked me why I was yelling. She said that no one was yelling at me. In classic Monster Mom fashion I replied, "You know why I'm yelling? Well let me tell you why..." And proceeded to list all the reasons behind my anger and frustration. Jobs not getting done, bathrooms being a mess, bedrooms looking like the tasmanian devil is the current resident, no one not really caring about the state of my house which is our home. Then H(15 on saturday) pipes up, "Mom why are you acting like this? What is wrong with you the past few days?" So I give her the honest truth. I tell her its because I'm suffering from a bit of depression. She seemed worried. I told her it is something that I've dealt with all my life. I expressed to her that I need to change my diet and exercise and that will most likely help me. Which is the truth. I've battled depression before and over came it through diet and exercise. Her attitude seemed to change almost immediately. Then she came to me and said, "Mom, I'm always here for you to help in any way you need me to." What a precious daughter of God I have. Yes, she can be a monster teen too. But I am grateful to her for reaching out to me. The love I try to give and show her on a daily basis is paying off.
It felt good to be honest with my children. To help them understand the madness behind my behavior. Maybe by being honest we can help each other. I don't have to do this on my own like I have in the past.
So far, eating has been successful today. I had eggs, 1 slice of toast, and 1/2 pear for breakfast. 3 hours later I ate a whole wheat turkey sandwich with avacado and lettuce with a bit of cottage cheese just to get enough protien in. I'm not hungry, and I'm not super full like I have been the past few weeks. I had just one can of soda with lunch and no cravings for sweets afterwards. Little confession to make, I must speak the truth if I am to overcome my weaknesses, right? Every day after lunch I would have several cookies, or a bit of a store bought rice crispy treat, or some candy or half of a doughnut. Even though I was full from lunch, I would still eat it. Here is where fear comes in. There is something deeply rooted in the core of my being that is afraid of letting go of my relationship with food. I don't know or understand what the fear is. I just know there is one. It is preventing me from reaching my full potential! This is something I have been praying to discover.
I have been successful at working around my home and the garden. I destroyed about 6 squash bugs from off my plants in the garden. I hate those bugs. Last year they got the best of me and destroyed 4 of my 6 beautiful pumpkin plants. I check on them every day. I watered my flowers out front. Gardening brings me so much joy. It helps to take my mind off of other things. Besides that, it is extremely rewarding. My zinnias are just about to bloom. I can't wait to see what they look like this year. I planted a new variety. The flower petals are variegated. I LOVE anything that is variegated. I believe these activities are good and healthy that benefit me and my family. I encouraged my children to get their chores done. I(13) still fought me along the way. But she's been doing that her whole life.
I swam in the reservoir this afternoon. It was refreshing. I could have swam across and back again another time. I think I will add this into my repertoire of exercise this summer. Its a good thing I swam. I burned the calories I ate in the sugar cookie the girls brought home.
All in all, today has been a lovely day. Its been good to write everything down.
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