It's Different

Things feel different this time.  I have a shift in paradigm, the way I think about weight loss.  This time it's about my health, not conforming to a certain number to fit in the world.  Because it's about my health I look at food differently.  It's still a slow process, but slow and steady win the race.  I look at how the food I'm going to put in my mouth is going to effect my body.  I've started asking the question, "How will this (what ever it is) make my body feel when I'm done eating it?"  Will it help me run efficiently, make me feel lighter, give me energy and strength.  To be completely honest, I have NEVER looked at food like this before.  I want so badly to be a healthy, light, fit person that my relationship with food is beginning to change.  Thank the Heaven's for this little miracle.  The pull from candy, cookies and crap is still strong.  But not as strong as it use to be.  I am prolly eating a 1/3 of what I use to eat.  There is still a lot of room for improvement.  But I can feel the change is coming deep within the core of my soul. 
I've experienced a few other tender mercies over the past few weeks.  Heavenly Father is helping me to be more aware of the changes that are going on.  I mentioned one of them in my last post about turning to food for comfort.  Another one was the feeling of energy and not sluggishness.  I have been waiting to feel that surge.  When I've been working out hard I've been getting sick afterwards.  Melissa tells me it's because I was so toxic.  So toxic in fact that my body couldn't get rid of it so I became sick.  That is the feeling that I was trying to get away from.  And I finally did.  I missed that feeling of a good work out and the tingling that accompanies the blood coursing through my veins.  It's an awesome feeling. 
I am grateful for the hunger that I feel throughout the day.  That means that I am not numbing myself to the world around me.  I am allowing myself to feel my emotions.  Sometimes they are difficult emotions to work through.  But it's the only way to become emotionally stable.  It's so great not to be numb all the time, to feel heavy and burdened. 
Yesterday I was about to have a Diet Coke.  But my brother-in-law stopped me.  He dumped it out and got me some Lemonade instead.  What a great guy to want to support me in my goal.  So I have been "clean" for 3 weeks now!  And it feels GREAT!!!! 

Hitting Rock Bottom

I am SO, let me repeat SO grateful for the year that I had.  I learned so much about my Savior, His Atonement, about the sanctity of the body and what a beautiful gift it is, and most of all how important my health really is to me.  In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I felt myself hit a low again.  I think we call that Rock Bottom.  I didn't think I could get any lower then that until Thanksgiving actually came.  My sister in law has lost a lot of weight which is fantastic for her.  Especially since she's battled her weight pretty much her whole life.  But as they would make comments to her about her success I could feel side glances my way and they would quickly stop talking.  I know they were wondering what in the hell happened to her?  I had gained all my weight back when I lost it just a year ago.  The situation was very uncomfortable and I just felt like boulders were being dropped on top of me.  It was not a fun experience to have to go through.  I was angry with myself for allowing me to gain my weight back.  I as ashamed and disgusted.  But you know what, I wouldn't have learned what I learned if I didn't allow myself that process.
While working out with Melissa one day I just unloaded to her.  The tears flowed and realized that I am tired of being sick all the time.  I am tired of being tired all the time.  It wasn't that long ago when I was a strong fit person.  I allowed that to be taken away from me of my own free will and choice.  Again, it was for a good cause.  I wouldn't be as close to my Savior or my Heavenly Father if it wasn't for the past year.  But I am not happy with state of my health right now.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to want to lose weight.  But I'm not losing weight this time to reach a certain number, on the scale or in my jeans.  I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy.  I am tired of being heavy, and held back by my weight.  There are some things that are going to have to change for me to be a permanent success.  And that means facing my demons, i.e. candy. 

Yesterday my husband said something to me after I approached him with a question.  His response hurt.  I left the room and began helping one of my daughters with her room.  I had this sudden urge to go downstairs and put some leftover candy in my mouth.  I realized right then and there that I wanted to be comforted.  I knew I couldn't turn to my husband.  But I immediately recognized the destructive behavior that has been sabotaging me for the past 20+ years.  Instead of find comfort in food, I knelt down and begged for help.  I prayed and read my scriptures until the urge was gone.  And the thing is, Brent had no idea that what he did hurt me.  I have a tendency to take things personally.  I let it go, and moved on.  This is the key to my success.  Not turning to food for comfort but to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  Satan is the one that wants me to continue to dull my feelings and emotions.  I need to allow myself to really feel them, face them and figure out what to do with them. 

Not only do I want to be healthy physically, and spiritually, but emotionally as well.  I have to find balance in all three of those areas and I know I will become the person that I just waiting to jump out. 

In the Friend there was a great little article about setting goals.  This quote from Elder M Russell Ballard was so powerful to me:

When you set a goal and commit yourself to the necessary self-discipline to reach that goal, you will eliminate most of the problems in your life.  Spend your energies doing those things that will make a difference.  We have to have FAITH.  We have to hae faith in God.  We have to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  (this is the part that i loved the most) And oh, how desperately we have to have faith in ourselves.  

Faith in myself is what I've lacked over the years.  I know I am strong enough to reach my goals of becoming physically healthy, spiritually strong, and emotionally stable.  All things are possible through Jesus Christ. 

oh and p.s.
I've been diet coke free for 2weeks and 4days!!! 

You can do this, or you can do that

I'm choosing to sit down and write while the pangs of hunger rumble in my tummy.  And really, they aren't the pangs of hunger, it's muscle, nerve, habit, memory that I am trying to change right now.  Instead of being in the kitchen, I am choosing to be here writing about how hard it is to change years and years and years of bad habiting.  Am I hungry?  Maybe a little.  I think it's good to feel a little hunger.  That means you are becoming aware of your body.  My senses are heightened and not dulled. 

I started counting calories again this past Monday.  1500 calories is 1500 calories no matter how you count them or where you get them from.  I was having success doing this in the beginning of the summer so I thought I'd give it another go.  I still struggle with my sweet tooth.  I really wish I had a veggie tooth instead.  I really want to eat the vegetables, they just take so darn long to prepare.  No wonder people are fat.  It's easier to grab for a bag of chips then it is a bag of broccoli.  I was going to say carrots but that wouldn't have been a good comparison cuz grabbing a bag of those is just as easy as a bag of chips.  Just as long as the bag is baby carrots and not like the ones I have which needs to be peeled and cut.  But what ev.

And why is it that it's so much easier to gain weight then it is to lose weight?  That just seems so unfair.  And what's even more unfair is when people notice when you gain weight and your like the big white elephant in the room that no one can talk about.  Ya, that really sucks.  And even more then it sucks, it hurts. 

This was a huge motivation for me to start losing weight.  Even though I don't like to focus on the weight.  I realized at some point I have to face it.  I have to do something about it.  I have to look at the elephant in the eye and tell him to get the hell out.  I have to hard things.  I need to understand that I CAN do hard things.  My "hard thing" is to overcome my stupid dysfunctional relationship with food.  I finally need to take what I've learned this past year and actually start using that knowledge.  Have the faith to know that it will help me to heal, to move forward, and change forever. 

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!

Just a few thoughts, wish they were better

The sorry horrible truth is that I am jealous of all these people who are accomplishing what I have been trying to do for years and years and years.  Lose weight, be a smaller size, and be a good runner.  I think I'm just having a pity party right now and just need to vent.  What am I going to do with all these feelings of jealousy and envy?  Nothing but get my own butt in gear.  I have no one else to blame for the state that I am in except myself.  Yes, I have made improvements, but none of them physically.  I sure hope the physical part comes soon.  I just don't think it's fair.  I have a hard time reading about others success when I sit here in all my chubby glory.  I guess I have to find solace in the fact that I am just doing it a little slower and when I finally make it to that coveted place it will be permanent.  And not fleeting.  Nothing that I have to keep fighting for.  That thought gives me hope.

I have to remember that my situation is different then everyone else.  I have my own challenges to face and my own mountains to climb.  I am okay with my own struggles.  They are mine and I can deal with them. 

I feel better already.  I am not going to let these disappointing feelings keep me down.  Besides, I have done tons better with my eating.  And that's saying a lot.  Okay, it's only been two days.  But it's starting to come naturally.  Thanks heaven's for that.  I've been eating a lot more salads, veggies, and green smoothies.  Today I added a huge handful of spinach, 1/2 roasted beet(cuz of it's natural sweetness), handful of frozen berries, few spoonfuls of greek yogurt, some agave and ice.  Blended it with a little bit of milk and it was delicious.  No, I'm serious, it really was good.  And the amazing part, it kicked my 3 pm craving and I'm still full from it.  That is another miracle in and of it's self.

Things are getting better.  I was just feeling sorry for my chubby butt.  Is it possible to have a firm chubby butt?

Listening

I was introduced to a book over the weekend that I am super excited about.  I hate the title, but I love the philosophy.  The title of the book is "I can make you thin."  Blah.  But don't judge a book by it's cover, or it's title for that matter.  He talks about 4 golden rules.  He goes into the depth about each of them but to sum it up the golden rules are:  1. Eat when you are hungry, 2. Eat what you want(what your body wants), 3. Enjoy what you are eating(savor it without distraction), and 4. Stop eating when you are full, or when you think your full.  Sounds too simple to be true, right?  Everything about these 4 golden rules sounds right.  When we were babies we were masters at this.  We screamed when we were hungry, we ate exactly what we wanted and if you've ever watched a baby begin to nurse, their eyes roll to the back of their heads.  I think they know how to savor what they eat and they STOP eating when they are full.  This continues on well into their toddler years.  At what point this stops, I'm not sure.  Babies are nurtured, and they listen to what their bodies are telling me.  We, as adults need to remember to do the same.  LISTEN, I mean really listen to what your body is telling you it wants.  I've done this for just a few short days, and I have noticed a shift in how I already think about food.  I am thrilled to be following something that doesn't tell me what I can and can not eat.
There is a lot more to the book.  I will let you know how things progress.  I am really excited about the prospects and outcome from just listening to my body cues.   It's so simple, it might just work.

Through Different Eyes

I had been debating on whether or not to watch the Biggest Loser.  I love that show.  But I always have mixed feelings.  I love being inspired by it especially when I have 1/10th of the weight to lose.  At the same time I also feel disappointed in myself when I can't achieve the same result.  Which I understand is a silly thought. 

Yesterday I felt like being inspired.  And inspired I was.  It came in one moment with a big tall black retired football player and Bob.  In that moment this big burly black man was crumbled in the grass crying.  Bob told him that he was an athlete.  This man disagreed.  Bob then said something very profound.  He said something to this effect:  You need to start looking at yourself the way I see you, as an athlete and strong.  I just started to cry.  I look at myself so much differently then those that love me do.  Especially my Heavenly Father.  I need to start seeing myself as my loving Heavenly Father sees me.  But that is easier said then done.  But to be successful in becoming a runner and a hiker, this is so vital. 

Those that love us see us through different eyes.  Yes, they may see our weaknesses, but we focus on those well enough.  Most of the time those that love us see the good in us and our great potential.  Along with nurturing myself, I need to start seeing the good in myself and the great potential that I have.   I think you could probably spend a lifetime trying to overcome your weakness and seeing the good in ourselves.  But life is a journey a process.  Every little step toward progress is a success and should be celebrated.  Life is about finding joy in those small moments and holding onto them and never forgetting that we are all good.  Heavenly Father doesn't demand perfection.  He just wants us to do our best.  In doing our best we find progress.

Harder then I thought

Not eating any sugar is harder then I thought.  Or maybe I'm just afraid of missing out.  I love candy so much, it's ridiculous.  I bought junior mints yesterday and ate the whole box while watching trash t.v.   Instead of moving forward, I am slipping into some really poor poor habits.  I think it's the whole, "i'm never going to have that again" feeling when I try and attempt to improve my life.  But I am not going to deny myself anything so I need to come up with a better strategy.  That strategy is to prepare myself some really good and really healthy alternatives.  Like home made cliff bars which I'm going to learn how to make today. 

I still made good food yesterday.  For dinner I made butternut squash soup and it was divine and nothing to it.  I am going to use the same technique to make a beet soup. 

I"m conflicted.  I hate having personal conflict.  I want to improve my life but not at the risk of hating myself.  I've done that too much and too often.  I think I'm just being too hard on myself and looking still for perfection.  I keep needing to remind myself that this is about progress.  My desire is there.  And I am doing so much better then I was last week or the week before. 

Progress.  What am I going to do better today?  Focus more on organizing myself.  Organizing meals and snacks and just being prepared.  Stop being so hard on myself.  That is the opposite of nurture.  I want to nurture myself and work with my body and spirit to get to where I so badly want to be.  I'm eating those things because I am fighting with myself.  Do I truly believe that I deserve to treat myself with love, kindness, and respect?  More so today then a year ago.  I still need to work on that.  But I deserve every good thing for my body.  It is a beautiful gift that gives and gives all day long.  I keep telling myself that.  And it's the truth.  I want this gift to keep on giving.  I need to do what I need to do today to make that happen.  Balance, Organization and Moderation.  A few junior mints would have been okay, just not the whole box.