Hitting Rock Bottom

I am SO, let me repeat SO grateful for the year that I had.  I learned so much about my Savior, His Atonement, about the sanctity of the body and what a beautiful gift it is, and most of all how important my health really is to me.  In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I felt myself hit a low again.  I think we call that Rock Bottom.  I didn't think I could get any lower then that until Thanksgiving actually came.  My sister in law has lost a lot of weight which is fantastic for her.  Especially since she's battled her weight pretty much her whole life.  But as they would make comments to her about her success I could feel side glances my way and they would quickly stop talking.  I know they were wondering what in the hell happened to her?  I had gained all my weight back when I lost it just a year ago.  The situation was very uncomfortable and I just felt like boulders were being dropped on top of me.  It was not a fun experience to have to go through.  I was angry with myself for allowing me to gain my weight back.  I as ashamed and disgusted.  But you know what, I wouldn't have learned what I learned if I didn't allow myself that process.
While working out with Melissa one day I just unloaded to her.  The tears flowed and realized that I am tired of being sick all the time.  I am tired of being tired all the time.  It wasn't that long ago when I was a strong fit person.  I allowed that to be taken away from me of my own free will and choice.  Again, it was for a good cause.  I wouldn't be as close to my Savior or my Heavenly Father if it wasn't for the past year.  But I am not happy with state of my health right now.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to want to lose weight.  But I'm not losing weight this time to reach a certain number, on the scale or in my jeans.  I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy.  I am tired of being heavy, and held back by my weight.  There are some things that are going to have to change for me to be a permanent success.  And that means facing my demons, i.e. candy. 

Yesterday my husband said something to me after I approached him with a question.  His response hurt.  I left the room and began helping one of my daughters with her room.  I had this sudden urge to go downstairs and put some leftover candy in my mouth.  I realized right then and there that I wanted to be comforted.  I knew I couldn't turn to my husband.  But I immediately recognized the destructive behavior that has been sabotaging me for the past 20+ years.  Instead of find comfort in food, I knelt down and begged for help.  I prayed and read my scriptures until the urge was gone.  And the thing is, Brent had no idea that what he did hurt me.  I have a tendency to take things personally.  I let it go, and moved on.  This is the key to my success.  Not turning to food for comfort but to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  Satan is the one that wants me to continue to dull my feelings and emotions.  I need to allow myself to really feel them, face them and figure out what to do with them. 

Not only do I want to be healthy physically, and spiritually, but emotionally as well.  I have to find balance in all three of those areas and I know I will become the person that I just waiting to jump out. 

In the Friend there was a great little article about setting goals.  This quote from Elder M Russell Ballard was so powerful to me:

When you set a goal and commit yourself to the necessary self-discipline to reach that goal, you will eliminate most of the problems in your life.  Spend your energies doing those things that will make a difference.  We have to have FAITH.  We have to hae faith in God.  We have to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  (this is the part that i loved the most) And oh, how desperately we have to have faith in ourselves.  

Faith in myself is what I've lacked over the years.  I know I am strong enough to reach my goals of becoming physically healthy, spiritually strong, and emotionally stable.  All things are possible through Jesus Christ. 

oh and p.s.
I've been diet coke free for 2weeks and 4days!!!