Love = Change

Recently I've been reading this book titled, Women Food and God. So far I haven't been too impressed with it. Until I came upon this quote that struck such a strong chord with me,

"When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate it. Change happens not by hatred but by love. Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest. When you inhabit your body from the inside, any other option except taking care of it is unthinkable."

That quote speaks volumes and volumes to me. I'm in the middle of wanting to change. When I think of this quote in aspect to the atonement; The Atonement is Love. The love that I feel from my Redeemer is how I'm going to accomplish this change.

I learned something else at Education Week that I'd never thought of before. I always thought that Savior and Redeemer were synonomous with each other. That they basically meant the same thing. Which is not true. They are different, but Jesus is both. A Savior is someone who saves us from our sins. A Redeemer is someone who changes us. I am in need of changing. To change myself I need to begin to see myself as the Lord does. Through eyes of someone who loves me for who I am and all that intales.

I have noticed a small change in myself. Especially over the weekend. As most of you who follow this know that I struggle to no end with weekend eating. Saturday I found I ate when I was hungry and chose good food. That is huge.

I am ready for change.

Ability to Change

Yesterday 3 of the 4 classes that I attended at Education Week were on the Atonement. I'm sure that this didn't happen just because of me. But it sure makes me grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of each of us and knows just when to give answers to prayers. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude the for the knowledge that I have gained about the Atonement. I knew it just wasn't for sinners. It's for all of us who are struggling with anything in our lives. From a wayward child to a destructive relationship with food.

I've come to realize that the Atonement is more grand and powerful then my puny little brain can comprehend. I do know that the power is there for me to use. But lately I've wondered "How do I tap into that vast power?" I got an answer to that yesterday during Brad Wilcox class. The first step is Faith and Repentance give us the desire to change. Covenants and the Holy Ghost give us the ability to change. Enduring to the end helps us recognize the change in us. That's what it's all about, change. I want to change my relationship with food, I want to change how I feel about myself. The Atonement can do that for me.

About a month ago I felt like I was grasping at air. I didn't know what direction to go or where to begin. Now, I know, I need to understand my covenants better cause that's where the change comes from. Along with prayer, fasting and scripture study I hope to find change within myself. A permanent change. I realize that it's going to be a long tedious journey of discovery. But one that I have been thirsting for.

Words of Encouragement

I've been thinking a lot the last few days on how to change my beliefs about me. How does one really begin to do that? One of the classes I went to was given by Barbara Barrington Jones. She was teaching on Words of Encouragement. How Encouragement lifts and builds you up. Opposed to critism, even "constructive" critism which tears you down. She suggesteds that Encouraging Words are like a gift, a small silver box wrapped up with a bow. You can give these gifts to all those around you, your husband, your children. Then I thought, what about giving Encouraging Words to ME. Wouldn't that be a way to build myself up and begin to change my beliefs about me?

I remember a class given my Sis. Wilson and she talked a lot about this subject. We are living in a body of flesh and bones subject to the natural woman. The natarual woman is prone to atomatically thinking bad thoughts about herself. It's like weeds. We have to work so hard to keep weeds out of our garden. They have to be pulled everyday to keep the garden clean and looking beautiful. Do I pull my weeds in my garden every day? No! And my garden suffers from it too! The beautiful plants that I've planted from seed and nourished are easily getting crowded out by the weeds that grow spontaniously. So it is with our thoughts. We have to work every day to weed out those bad thoughts so the beautiful ones can take route, so we can water them and make them grow.

My goal now is to plant beautiful seeds of encouragement. Ones that I can nourish, water and grow. I need to remember to dis-regard all the negative that comes into my head. Which is SO HARD . If I am to become truly happy with myself, I have to start chaning what I believe about. I have to start telling myself truths and begin to believe them.

How am I going to do this? A list of all the things I want to believe and become. Every morning, afternoon and evening I am going to go through my list. Some of them might already be true I just don't believe them yet.

I also might start repeating my list as a mantra during meditation. I've heard meditation can be powerful too. Right now, I'm willing to try anything out!

Changing your Beliefs

Yesterday was my first day at Education Week! Can I get a Whoop Whoop!!! I love everything about Ed. Week. Last year was a life changing experience for me and this year is on track for the same. The last class I went to was taught by Scott L. Anderson. He is an amazing speaker who instantly brings the spirit to the room.

He taught about a pattern that is found in the book of Mormon. He basically teaches that our beliefs directly effect our feelings. He spoke of Alma the younger and how he was unconscious and that was the only way the Lord could get him to change his beliefs. When he did, his feelings were changed instantly. He no longer faught against the church or hated his Father. He loved the gospel and wanted to teach others about it.

I wish I could go unconscious for 3 days to change my beliefs about myself. Just this morning I thought about how uncomfortable I was sitting in those classed because my gut has gotten so big that my pants are too tight and I feel like a stuffed sausage. Right now I believe that I am a fat and unattractive person. What are my feelings due to that belief? I really really really dislike myself(I'm trying not to use the word Hate here. Hate is such a strong word but sometimes that how I feel about myself. Hatred). Then I was reading a post by my sister and my beliefs about me as a mother came out; I fall short in so many areas. I am mediocre at best and my children deserve better.

I know this is kind of a downer. I am so sorry. One of my goals in life is to become a happy positive person. That is what I want to believe about myself. At that point I think I would have true love for myself. And it's at that precise moment when I would stop abusing food to numb myself from my beliefs about me. I want to believe that I am beautiful, a good mother a choice daughter of God who has divine nature. But how do you change years and years and years and years of false beliefs?

Would someone just come over and knock me out with a 2x4. And in 3 days wake me up and I'll be a new person. If it were only that easy!

Addiction

Last week I was searching LDS.org for articles on addiction. It was surprising, and not so surprising that all the articles I read touched on all types of addictions except the one that I am struggling with, addiction to food. I really feel that in our LDS culture it's easier for us, as women to choose food as our drug of choice. But it is never addressed. I turn to food to fill certain voids, fill moments of boredom, and the biggest one of them all, for comfort.

Still, I find these articles useful and enlightening. Even though my particular addiction is not directly addressed, the behavior is the same and can be dealt with in the same manner.

In my browsing I came upon a very interesting article dealing with the issue of energy drinks, or caffeine. Caffeine is one of those things that I want to believe that I'm NOT addicted to. But in all reality, I am. If I have to hop in my 'burb and cruise to the nearest gas station to get my fix, every single day, then it's an addiction. I was grateful for this article. It's not in the Word of Wisdom specifically, but I've heard over and over again the dangers of caffeine. I think the main reason is due to it's addictive nature. Not only the addictiveness of it, but it causes other health problems. Which I think I've heard before but stored the information in the deepest darkest crevasses of my brain. Knowing someday I would have to face the truth.

Why all this blabbing on about caffeine and addiction? Cause as of today I am OFF the wagon for the umteenth time. This time it's for serious. As I reflect on the times that I have quit drinking Diet Coke my weight goes down. As soon as I pick up the habit, the scale begins to rise. Not cool. Is there a correlation? Probably so.

One of the big reasons I always turn back to Diet Coke is for the simple fact that I don't feel any difference. I don't feel better or worse. I just lose weight. So I figure why give up something that I love if it's not going to make that big of a difference. This time around I'm going to be pray to see a difference. I need to be more aware of the changes that are happening and recognize how much better I feel.

I am a human being living a very mortal life subject to all sorts of appetites. I can't conquer this on my own so I'm turning to My Heavenly Father and Savior for help. That's what they are there for. My Savior is there to fill in my imperfections and that includes addictions!

Favorite dishes transformed into Salads

As I thought about the new journey that I will be traveling I know I will be eating a lot of salads. But it's so ding dang easy to get bored with salads. Then the thought popped into my head, why not take my favorite meals and turn them into salads? I sat down with a note pad and started listing all my favorite meals and sandwiches. Most everything on my list can be made into a salad.

Here's what I have so far:
Fish tacos
Tacos
Enchiladas
Roast beef sandwich
Tuna sandwich
PF Chang Chicken wraps
Sweet and Sour chicken
BLT
Roasted tomato and chicken sandwich
Hawaiian Haytalks
Lasagna

Then I started thinking about some of my other favorite salads:
roasted beets, orange and red onions
strawberries, almonds, bacon
pear, goat cheese and walnuts

I am excited to start putting together new and exciting salads. I am even more excited to share them with you. I think the hardest part will be coming up with exciting vinaigrette's. Last night I watched Giada DeLaurentis make this amazing Asian chicken salad and I felt a craving for salads. Which is a wonderful thing. I haven't craved salad in such a long time.


This morning I put a pair of pants on that fit losely in the beginning of summer and now fit a little snug. Ugh! I know I have to do something and right now. I need to start on Monday. In pure Amberlyn fashion I will use this weekend to have fun and eat what ev. I usually have to do this in preparation for starting over. I know I will be changing my life again on Monday and it's going to be hard. I will feel like I'm missing out. So that's why I have to get it all in this weekend. Not a good attitude, I know. But it must be done.


Do you have any favorite dishes that you would like scene turned into a healthy salad?

Putting a Finger on it

Over the summer I've had a lot of time to think about my addiction to food and what that truly means to me. I received a lot of inspriation and answers to prayers. I realized that it's more then just self discipline when it comes to saying no to food. Every day when I wake up with a desire to change and be good I ALWAYS end up giving into the temptation. I knew there was something to overcome, a triggor that I needed to resolve. And one day while having a great conversation it dawned on me exactly what it was.

When the temptation comes, I have this internal battle with myself. I dont' want to eat it, but I do. Then this overwhelming sense of loss, of missing out consumes my mind and I can't take it any more and I eat. That's what I have to overcome. A feeling of losing a friend, of missing out on something fantastic. But really my friend is disfunctional and I only feel like a fantastic failure. It's so hard to describe through words how powerful these emotions are. I do know they are real and they have to be overcome if I am going to be successful in permanently changing my life.

Understanding this hurdle I have to jump makes it easier to move forward. I now know what it is that I have to pray for. I know what emotions I have to overcome. I also know that it's going to take every fiber in my being to take control and say no. I wont be missing out on ANYTHING.

It's such a silly comparison. But it's a lot like a bad teenage friend. The bad friend is the only one that you feel is accepting of you, doesn't judge you, and makes you feel(what you think) is good. But you know deep down that friend just drags you down, makes you feel worse and the ties have to be cut. Those are the ones that are the hardest to break up. Due to the emotional attachement. Everyone around you knows you would be so much happier and healthier without that friendship. It's hard to let go of something that you think is good for you.

Does that make sense?

Junk Food is my disfunctional friend. I have to cut ties with it. Even though I think it makes me feel good and fills a void and I will be missing out on something amazing, the exact opposite is true. It makes me feel like crap, and only fills the void while I am eating it. So why do I do it when I recognize the bad? Because of the emotions attached to the food. It's a bitch and I hate it.

At least I know what I need help with. Now I can begin to move forward.

New Beginnings

Summer is almost over with! Can you believe it? Where did all the time go? Oh that's right, it went to baseball games, the reservoir, birthdays and holidays. School begins in just 2 weeks and I've managed to gain weight this summer rather then lose weight. STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

As I sit here contemplating on what it is that I'm going to write about, my beautiful gut is bluging out the top of my pants. It's so pretty. Everyone should have a bulbous gut like mine! What ev.

A few weeks ago I started, once again, Body for Life. I started it with a friend and was really good at lifting weights for about 1 week. I realized that my head just isn't in the game yet. I think it has to do with summer coming to a close and not wanting to get into a routine that ultimately is going to have to change too soon.

I've also been really un-happy with myself and the way that I look. It's tough when just 5lbs makes such a huge difference in the way your clothes fit. One con about being thinner. Every pound counts! I really really really want to do something about it. But I find that I'm hung-up, snagged on the feelings of disappointment and failure.

Recently I've started and tried so hard to lose weight with hardly any results. Why do I want to put the effort and hard work into something that just isn't going to work for me. So I've been thinking about the other times when I was successful at losing weight. What was it that I did? As much as I HATE to admit it, counting calories REALLY worked for me! As time consuming and teadous as it was, it really did work. Also, at the time I was working out just 30 minutes a day. On top of that I wasn't eating any carbs after breakfast. So there is my answer. Count Calories, No Carbs after breakfast, and don't kill myself working out. I do want to get in 60 minutes, which is reasonable and do-able.

I'm at that point again where something has to change. I have to face my "demons" and move forward. Now that the kids are going to be starting school again, I'll have more free time during the day to devote to ME!! I'll have the time it takes to be tedious and exact.

I wonder when this cycle is going to end for me. When am I going to accept me for who I am, love myself and take care of me naturaly. I know it will happen. It has too. Now that's my new Quest. Not just for 100 good days, but to discover the person that I've always wanted to be.