Reflection

As I sat waiting for my computer to get started I noticed my reflection in the screen. I realized how my muffin top is accentuated when I sit down. No matter how tall I try to make myself, there it is, oozing over the top of my jeans. This is motivation enough to continue to eat all my vegetables and exercise everyday.

I thought today was a successful day. Although it wasn't perfect. I felt like I did my best. I read some of the Ensign, I worked out and I did cleaning until the kids got home from school. Nothing big, just little organizing here, and putting clothes away there. I had a cookie after my lunch, and a cookie after my dinner. I had all the right snacks and meals. This is how I can live for the rest of my life. And if that means being at a size 16 forever, then so be it. My life was in balance today, and it felt good.

I continue to Pound

It was my goal this week to not miss a day of exercise. I worked out twice with my friend Melissa and thanks to her I am sore all over. It's a great feeling. Monday and Wednesday I took Beckham and Grace out in the double jogger. I'm trying so hard to not letting my excuse a a busy mother get in the way of my work outs.
I am still struggling with the food part of my lifestyle change. I keep reminding myself that these bad habits weren't formed over night and they aren't going to be resolved over night. I am taking small steps everyday to improve my life. I am still doing so much better then I was doing right after Grace was born. Some how I manage to keep having set back after set back, and it's frustrating. I realize that I'm not going to be perfect at this losing weight thing. One positive thing is that I haven't gained anything back. From my meesley 6 lbs. UGH.
Even though Mandy isn't posting she continues to lose weight. I am so envious of her. I feel as if my worst fear has been confirmed. Even spending x amount of money each month I still can't manage to lose weight. I feel as if I am doomed to be at this weight for the rest of my life.
I know the people around me love me for who I am. That is comforting. But it's not enough for me.
This week I am setting a goal to lose 2 lbs. I will exercise at least 5 days this week. And instead of following Absolute, I am going to go back to Body for Life. That is something that I know I can stick to for the rest of my life. And you get a free day where you can eat what ever the heck you want. Which will be GREAT for me.
I'm trying not to let my disappointment get me down, but it's hard. I was hoping that by getting my priorities straight, I would feel better. I do somewhat. I guess I will continue to pound the pavement of life. Pound out my bad thoughts, pound away my bad feelings and pound away the pounds.

Amazing Friends

I have 1 minute before I run out the door to Kindergarten graduation (don't tell my kids but it's a pretty silly tradition) and I just wanted to say how AMAZING you guys are (plus I had to post or Amberlyn was going to revoke my invitation).

Your words lift me up and inspire me. Your thoughts and words of encouragement keep me going in this crazy world. Your strength as women; as moms, as wives, as Daughter of God is absolutely incredible. I could not live without you. Well, I could probably survive but I would be a shell of a human being. You buoy me up by just being you. Have a great day and know that I think about you often. And know that you all are truly AMAZING!

Concern for the One

There are so many wonderful talks in this Conference addition of the Ensign. Right now the one talk that has stuck out in my mind is titled... Concern for the One by Joseph B. Wirthlin. This talk is wonderful. Here are a few of my favorite parts:

" Even when you feel that your strength can add little, the Church needs you. The Lord needs you. Remember that the Lord often chooses ""week things of the world "" to accomplish His purpose."

If anyone has felt weak in their ability, it has been me. But I know that I am not alone in these feelings. How comforting to know that the Lord still needs us in our weakness. And that our Best is good enough for Him.

"Except for the Lord, we have all made mistakes. The question is not whether we will trip and fall but, rather, how will we respond?"
"The Lord knows we will make mistakes. That is shy He suffered for our sins. He wants us to get back on our feet ans strive to do better. There is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

What comforting words. We will make mistakes, and the Lord knows that. That is why we have repentance. Even for the little things that make us fall flat on our faces. Like this morning, when I was the worst mother to Isabel. She had just pushed way too many of my buttons and evening counting to 10 wasn't working. I feel horrible for the way that I have treated her. But I can go to her and apologize and ask for forgiveness. Then ask the Lord for his forgiveness and help to not do it again.
Life is a learning process and I am learning so much by being the Mother to Isabel.

And in response to spiritual gifts, here is a quote for that too...

"In truth, things of the Spirit are revealed by the Spirit."

This was a GREAT talk.

A-HA, You Silly

So, I had a little a-ha moment in Relief Society on Sunday.

We were discussing prayer and personal revelation and I got to thinking about how I receive personal revelation.

Well, as I have struggled with this and really gone through a difficult trial of my faith, I came away with the answer that most often, I receive answers to my prayers when I read my scriptures and other church materials.

So, the silly part was that I had forgotten this!

HELLO.

How do you have a prolonged trial of your faith, come out the other side much, much better, and then forget the results?

It wasn't that I had really forgotten it, but I certainly hadn't been thinking about it very much, and the a-ha moment really came when I realized that I wasn't going to get answers to my prayers unless I was doing the things that help me to get answers.

I told you it was a silly a-ha.

But this is the thing. However it is that you get revelation, and granted there are a ton of ways...and I do get revelation in other ways, but my main way is through reading...well, if you want to maximize your chances for this revelation, and your opportunities to feel the spirit and the Lord directing your life, then you have to do whatever thing it is that helps you stay close to the Lord.

Again, so silly. But, at the same time, it provided me with huge motivation to get off my butt and get going. And so what did I do, I opened the Ensign and started reading. And what did I find? The very first talk (after the solemn assembly) was by Russell M. Nelson.

And why is this significant? Because my patriarchal blessing tells me that I should pay particular attention to whatever Elder Nelson says (BTW, I know this is weird, and I am the only person I know to get this specific of counsel, but apparently I need it.)

Anyways, so I know the Lord is thinking of me. And probably glad that I finally did something.

So, do something...and let me know how it goes!

There's always Hope

Yesterday in the mail I received a book that I ordered. It came at just the right time. The title of the book is Finding the Angel Within, Spirituality, Body Image, and Self-Worth. It is by the same author that wrote Running with Angels. I never read that book, but heard her talking about this new one on KSL. I knew I had to read it.
I know that I am at a cross roads in my life. And one of the reasons for starting this blog is so that I wouldn't have to do it alone. Here is a quote from the book, "It can be downright scary to share of ourselves, and we often feel vulnerable to the judgments of others. But there is a real power in sharing and in feeling the support of other people." She further states, " Just to know there are those who will stop along the way with us and carry some of the load can be a tremendous relief." I have felt many of you stop along the way with me, supporting me, helping me, and loving me. I want to do the same for you. I want us to be there for each other in happiest, shinningest moments and in our deepest, darkest times as well. I want us to feel safe, and supported.
Life is hard and we weren't meant to go it alone. The Lord has sent us to each other to help in ways only He knows we can. I am so grateful for all the encouragement and love that I have received.
Let's continue to pound the pavement together.

Major Discouragment

I haven't yet been able to pick myself up again. I am trying so darn hard, and it's just not enough.

No, I haven't been reading my scriptures. No, I haven't been praying. Can these things effect my day this much?

Where do you find the strength to pick your self up again?

I hate beating a dead Horse.

It has to be in the simple things. But why are the simple things so HARD to follow through with?

Spiritual Gifts

So we talked about spiritual gifts on Sunday but the lesson was focused on things like speaking in tounges and raising the dead...worthy gifts, but not ones that I am really in need of at this point in my life.

What I wished we had talked about was more practical spiritual gifts and how we find and cultivate those gifts in our own lives.

And what I kept coming back to, time and time again, was that the spiritual gifts that I need in my life, and that would do the most good, are the little things that might not even seem like gifts to other people.

I need to know who I am. I need to know that Heavenly Father loves me and values me as a daughter. I don't have an easy realtionship with my earthly father. I love him and he loves me, but we don't talk, and I don't turn to him when I need advice or counsel. I wish I did. But what I am realizing is that this relationship has affected the one I have with my Heavenly Father. So, I don't turn to him and seek His advice like I should.

So, there's another gift. The gift of prayer and getting answers to prayers. I have to say that I have made great strides in this area of my life and am really starting to recognize the spirit and the Lord's hand in my life, but it takes a lot of work for me to see it!

I think another gift that I could really use is balance. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I am hot or I am cold, but never warm! So when I do something, I do it with all I have and give all I've got, otherwise I just don't do it.

Well, that's all well and good, but there are a lot of things in life that require moderation, and most things are good, in small doses. But I don't know how to do that yet.

So, I guess what I am saying is that when we look for our spiritual gifts we shouldn't overlook the little ones. I think it is the little things that help us get where we are supposed to go, or keep us from ever getting there at all.

So how do we seek these things? How do we find them in ourselves? How do we know? How do you know?

A Challenge

So Denise just challenged me to read the Conference Edition of the Ensign from Cover to Cover. I am taking this challenge on. I really do feel as if my spiritual life is in balance then the rest of my life will fall into place. Food wont be so overwhelming, my desire and finding time to exercise will increase. I know I will be more patient with my husband and children. And don't we all need more patience?
This is something that I have NEVER done!!! Sure I've read my favorite talks maybe once. But never have I read it cover to cover. I am actually really excited about the things I am going to learn from each talk. I am ready. I have my own copy and I am planning on highlighting the heck out of it.
For all of you who have found this blog, and enjoy it. I challenge you to take on Denise's challenge to me. Read the Ensign from cover to cover. See how it effects your life.

Craving a Healthy Life

My sister invited me to be a contributor to this blog and I'm happy for the opportunity. I'm not struggling with weight issues at the moment and for the first time in my life I can eat whatever I want and continue to lose weight...thanks to the amazing miracle of my nursing body. During my pregnancy I gained 80 pounds due to a nasty case of preeclampsia, 40 of which were gained in the last month of my 35 week pregnancy. I felt wretched and was so swollen that I could barely move. Walking up and down steps required me to take one step at a time because my ankles and knees (basically the essential joints for movement) were so swollen that they had lost most of their function. My body felt ugly and other than the cheerful and delightful movement of two healthy babies--my body was an ill fitting and uncomfortable stranger.

Two weeks after delivering my beautiful boys I lost 70 pounds. I was astonished and amazed but soo grateful. Eight months after delivery I have lost nearly 100 pounds. I am much thinner than before getting pregnant but my body is flabbier and much less toned. I have taken for granted how hard my body works to create food to sustain two healthy lives that I eat with abandon and exercise, well, NEVER. I need to establish a healthier eating pattern NOW before I stop nursing and most likely suffer the revenge of a normal person's metabolism.

I need to join my sister in her effort to make wiser diet decisions and ultimately lead a healthier, more moderate life. I don't want to entirely give up sweets or carbs but I need to truly exercise the principle of moderation: if I eat one indulgent meal, scale back the others or walk an extra 15 minutes. My children deserve an active mother who can keep up with them and share in their physical explorations of the world.

As much I love eating junky junk food every day...I crave a healthier diet and the motivation to have one. So, Amberlyn, I pledge my commitment to you and to a healthier diet. After I finish today's batch of peanut m&ms, I commit to taking the huge and necessary step of not buying candy. No more wasted money on bags of candy at Target.

More of the Same -- BLAH

Now that my sister is gone and Mother's Day is over with I am struggling to get back into the swing of things. I feel the vicious cycle of failure starting to rear it's ugly head. While my sister was here I didn't do much studying or reading in the scriptures. I really feel like that makes a difference. But it's not just that. I am constantly behind on my house work as well. I feel like I am drowning in laundry, my kitchen floor needs to be mopped, my bedroom has piles of clean clothes that need to be put away, and I don't feel like I can get any of it done. Maybe if I'd stop blogging I could get a little more done. There has to be balance though. I know that ultimately everything boils down to this.
I thought Monday was going to be magical and things would be back to normal. But they're not. How do I get back the same excitement that I had just 2 weeks ago? How do I get back my self motivation? I know what the answer is. I think?
What do you do when you lose some of that spark that you had in the beginning? What do you do to get motivated again? I need some suggestions.

Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

I was so nervous going into my weigh in today. After all, I pretty much had an eating frenzy while my sister was here. I am so happy to report that I am exactly the same as last week. What a huge relief. It's back to the grind again on Monday. I am going to enjoy myself on Mother's day. I have been craving french toast with fresh strawberries and cool whip.
I love Monday's for starting anew. I can never start something in the middle of the week. Just a little quirk about myself.

Pounding the Pavement

Yesterday despite the rainy weather I decided to go for a walk/jog. I warmed up and then started jogging. I had a certain goal to meet. But as I felt the pounding in my ears from my heavy foot steps I realized that I needed to challenge myself. My foot steps weren't the only thing pounding in my ears. I could once again hear my rear end screaming at me as I felt it's heaviness jiggle up and down, up and down, Ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam. I was certain that I was having a thrown down with my large butt, and come hell or high water I was going to win. And I did. I jogged for a full mile without stopping. Compared to runners, this is nothing. But for me, that was such a great feeling. And an even better feeling as I sat on my bedroom floor and felt my face, arms and legs tingle and my veins pump from my quickly flowing blood. I felt alive and accomplished.
During my run I thought about many different things. I compared the pounding of the pavement to life. Not only am I pounding my way to a thinner me, but I am pounding the spiritual pavement as well. Striving to figure out who I am in God's plan, strengthening my testimony, my relationships, and love for myself. I am pounding the motherhood pavement as well. Striving to be a more devoted mother giving of my time to my children. Living With my children instead of By them. EMBRACING motherhood and finding true joy.

The Good and The Bad

I didn't have time last Friday to post about my weigh in. I lost just over another pound. Yeah for me. Then, the bad... My sister came into town and I have been disregarding any type of eating program. My sister and I are so into culinary fun that it's been hard. I didn't think it was going to be hard, but let's just say I've found a few new places to eat lunch. So that's the bad news.
The good news is, I reached one of my goals. By the time that Grace was blessed I wanted to be able to fit back into the cutest tweed skirt that I have. Well, I fit into it and wore it this past Sunday. And this morning I tried on some pre-pregnancy pants and capri's and was able to fit into them. Just a little muffin top going on, but not too bad. I'm actually wearing the capris. For having an eating frenzy while my sister is here, I'm still doing pretty good.
I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I am really looking forward to exercising and really getting into this losing weight gig. It's fun and exciting. Sometimes slow going, but so worth the hard work.