That's one Speedy Spaniard

You can barely see me, coming up to the finish line.
The woman in front, is my Mom.

There I am crossing the finish line, and you can see my time.

When I started running(more like jogging)I did it to do more then then just walking. I needed to get my heart rate up. First it began with me running for one block, then walking a block. I would go for 30 minutes doing this same pattern. I had run a 5k before, several years ago and I enjoyed it. So came the goal at the beginning of the summer to run 5 5Ks in 5 months. When I would talk about running I always said I would NEVER run a 10K. It just seemed daunting and overwhelming. I barely made it across the finish line after just 3 measly miles. There is no way in this wide world you were going to get me to run a 10K. Then the seed was planted in my head by more then just one person. Amy, Melissa, Jessica, and Brent were all instrumental in telling me I could climb this personal mountain of mine. So I signed up. I didn't train as much as I should have. My eating was poor. And my attitude and self-confidence lacked. But in the end, I realized that I am stronger then I ever thought possible. I had two goals going into this first 10k of mine. One, to run the first 3 miles without stopping. Second, to finish in an Hour and 15minutes. I accomplished both goals. I ran the first 3 miles in 30 minutes, which was 3 minutes faster then my last 5k. And I finished the race in 69 minutes. I struggled after the first 3 miles to keep running. I had to walk a bit to rest my body. But the feeling of having others pass me was too much, so I'd begin to run again. The last mile was killer for me. My whole body was telling me to stop. To plop myself down in one of the empty chairs lining the parade route. But I knew this is where my mind became stronger then my body. I told myself it's just one more mile. I can do it, and I did. I even sprinted the last little bit across the finish line. There were two people who were instrumental in my success that day. Ed Huhtala, ran with me for the first 3 miles. I know that I was holding him back. But he was such a sweetheart to stay with me. I told him to go ahead after the first 3 miles. He asked me if I was sure, of course I was. So he went right on ahead. He told me, maybe you could stay up with your Mom. She is the other person who made my race such a success. My almost 60 year young mother was running this race at a slightly faster pace then me, and she was injured. I never let her out of my sight, and I caught up to her steady pace several times. She is mentally stronger then me, not once did she stop to walk. I couldn't let my own mother beat me, which was a driving force to keep me going. She crossed the finish line before me, by just a few seconds. My Mom is an inspiration to me. I am grateful to both Ed and Mom for volunteering to run in this race with me. It's such an overwhelming and emotional experience when you realize that you truly are stronger then you ever thought possible. I ran a 10k. I'm not in perfect condition. I'm still considered overweight, and yet I did it. What made it even more rewarding was to have my family and friends there cheering me on at the finish line. To share with me a glorious moment in time.

As I've thought more about this accomplishment of mine, I am even more resolved to move forward with my weight loss. There for a while I thought that I was never going to be able to get below a certain number. That it just wasn't meant for me. That I was destined to stay at this blessed, bloody weight for the rest of my life. But that isn't true. If I am strong enough to run a 10k and tell my mind and body that I can finish that race, then I can finish my fight to be fit.

I can't forget to mention Leslie Christensen. She was there at mile 3 and ran with me for a little bit and told me what a good job I was doing. That was such a wonderful and uplifting surprise. So Leslie, if you happen to read this, thanks, you too are a great friend.

Thanks to Brent for supporting me in my running goals. For being there at the finish line with all our kids surrounding him, and encircling me in their love.

Thanks to Kelli for also being there to document my run. It was so fun to see you at one of the last turns shooting pictures and cheering me on. And then again at the finish line. You are such a great sister-in-law, one of the very best.

Thanks to Amy for always encouraging me and telling me that I am worth every bit of success that I have.

Thanks to Melissa for knowing that this accomplishment was always inside of me, just waiting to blossom.

Thanks to my sister Jessica. Even though you are clear across the country, hearing your voice and words of encouragement were always just what I needed. I wish you could have been here in person to run in the race. You would have kicked my butt!!!

Thanks to Mom. You are amazing. You are an inspiration to me. I love You.

The day before

It's the day before my 10k. I wake up with a sore throat, aces in my joints, and the thought of working out with Melissa makes me want to hurl. But I know that if I don't get my body moving, the blood flowing and circulating that I will just feel worse. I down some Airborne, trudge over to Melissa, endure a bruttle hour of plio workout, tredge back home, down more Airborne and hope for the best.

I feel half way decent right now. The moving around and airborne must have done some good. My eating wasn't at it's best today. When I'm sick, I just want to feed my cold with comfort. Now all I need is a good's night rest, a lengthy prayer, and a lot of positive self affirmation.

I can do this.

I'm stronger then I think I am.

I can run a 10k, easy.

Others believe in me, so I believe in me.

I have the power!!!

I think I'm in trouble

This morning I went out early for my run. I left the house at about 7:40am. I knew I wasn't going to beat the wind, and sun. Although the farther I am from my house, the less wind there seems to be. Well, not today. I wanted to mix things up so I took one of my routes backwards thinking it was a good idea. WRONG-O!!! I ended up running against the wind with the sun in my face. What was I thinking. It took me forever to run that silly 5k. I almost burst into tears when I calculated how long I'd been gone. The funny thing is, despite the amount of time it took me to run this morning, I knew that I could go on. With the knowledge that I could walk some during the 10k, I will be alright.

I still can't get over that I will be running a 10k day after tomorrow. It almost makes me sick. But I know that the only way to improve ourselves is to push ourselves. So here I am, pushing myself beyonds limits I never thought possible. We'll see how I feel come Friday afternoon.

I am grateful to all the people who have been supporting me. Their words of encouragement have been caring me through this whole experience. Having a support system makes a tremendous difference.

breakfast:
oatmeal(325)

lunch:
grilled cheese on whole wheat(260)
1 cup of cabbage soup(40)

snack:
Special K cracker (90)
laughing cow cheese(30)
Kashi bar(114)

I was hungry, okay!!!

snack:
kashi bar

dinner:
marinated steak
corn on the cob

Playing the Mind Games

This morning I woke up with a head ache. I thought that if I were to cut out soda and eat healthy that I would feel better, have more energy and be lighter on my feet. Not so. I blame my head ache on lack of caffeine. I've been without it for the last two and half days. I really didn't feel like going out and exercising but I knew I had to. So now I am playing mind games with myself. Running is nothing new to me. Although I haven't run very often in the past few weeks, I still should be able to get my booty moving. So out into the blustery wind I went. I did better then I thought I was going to. That is due to the mind over body game that I had to play with myself. I had to push myself. This is the only way I am going to succeed if I'm going to run this 10k on Friday.

I still keep thinking " What have I gotten myself into ". I so regret not training and running consistently the past few weeks. No sense in crying like a baby. I made my choices, now I have to suffer the consequences.

I hope to get a few more runs in this week just to prep my body for Friday.

breakfast:
oatmeal (325)

snack:
chocolate protein shake(325)

lunch:
tuna sandwich(250)
grapes(40)

snack:
kashi bar(114)

dinner:
zucchini with pasta
salad

snack:
one stinking snickerdoodle.

I am now battling the after dinner sweet tooth. I should have some grapes frozen or something.

Lettuce doesn't Judge

Friday is the 10k. Too bad for me I've had a horrible last two weeks. So now I have the unlikely task of undoing what I did to myself in those 2 weeks in just 5 days. But it's more then just the 10k. I found that I was battling monster PMS again. Now I know I need to track my cycle so that I can stay on top of those wretched feelings when they come. That way I can make sure to throw out all tempting food and stock my pantry with extra good things.

It's nice to know that when I decide to come back to the path, the journey, my battle, that the veggies and fruits seem to smile at me. They don't judge me for my mistakes or say "I told you so". They just wait there, patiently, waiting to be eaten to make me feel better. To cleanse my system of the crap that I so willingly and knowingly shoved into my pie hole.

I am hoping that by veering back to the path and eating a healthy diet will help me to feel better. I seriously have been feeling like crap. But I think I already mentioned this a week ago. I still didn't do anything about it.

I am doing something about it today. Funny, I always have to start on a Monday.

I didn't go for a run this morning. I felt like I was 16 months pregnant. Which I AM NOT!!! That's just the best way to describe how I felt. But I knew I needed to get my body moving so I went for a long walk instead. Better get moving then not.

I did a pretty darn good job at my eating today. One of the reasons for me sitting here typing is the temptation that the rice crispy treats are having over me. Hannah was so bored she wanted something to do. She came up with rice crispy treats. I just couldn't tell her no. So now I find myself battling my urge to purge. I am stronger then those bloody treats. I have the power to say no and I will say no. I am done feeling like crap. Done, done, donie, done!!! I know that if I put those in my mouth not only will I feel guilt, but I will have a tummy ache.

I will turn to my veggies and fruits. They don't judge, they don't make me feel like crap. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. Veggies are my friend, they make me feel confident, and slender. So the choice is obvious, right? RIGHT!!!


breakfast:
Oatmeal with milk and pecans(325)

snack:
chocolate banana protein shake(325)

lunch:
tuna sandwich(300)
1 cup cabbage soup(50)

snack:
kashi bar(114)
1/2 banana(40)

lunch:
salad w/dressing(80)
1 corn on cob
1/4 cup of beans

Thoughts about.... lots of things.

I was resolved to begin a new today. Breakfast was great and it ended there. I spent a torturous time at Walmart waiting for my ride to get an oil change. The wait went through lunch and I was starving. I bought some sandwiches and the kids and I split them. But what are sandwiches without chips and a drink? I didn't eat an entire bag of chips, just a few, really. But then it went completely down hill form there. There was leftover cake on the stove I picked at the frosting all afternoon and evening. Dinner wasn't so bad. I made home made chili and we ate it with instant potatoes. Strange, but it was good. Our side dish was watermelon and it was good, good, good.

I can feel my gut getting bigger. All my extra calories go directly to my stomach making my pouch ginormous. So embarassing. Even though I feel my gut getting bigger I have no desire to do anything about it. Why is that? I know that what I am doing is wrong, and yet, it doesn't matter. I have this silly 10k to train for and my desire to train for it is minimal. That is so not acceptable.

What am I going to do with myself? I know better. I know what I'm suppose to be doing. I know how to eat.

What is going on that is causing this lack of desire? Brent is preparing to leave again for a week. Is that it? It is difficult for me to be by myself all day long without a spouse. I do it all day long by myself, but the evenings are different. But my Mom offered to help out in the evenings and my sister-in-law offered to hang out.

Is it that my children are getting older? My second just celebrated her 10th birthday and my oldest is going to be turning 12. I have to admit that they are more enjoyable to be around as they get older. I can carry on a conversation with them. They have their own ideas, and opinions, and desire to push their boundries. Yes, that is hard and delightful at the same time.

Do I feel overwhelmed as a mother? Yes. I think I am feeling inadequate to be the mother of 6 children. Especially on days when my children are constantly bickering over everything, are loud, are disobedient, are just being children.

Is my lamp empty or full? Right now it is low. I think this is the root too all my suffering(not that it's that much suffering). But I haven't been to the Temple in ages. I haven't been studying my scriptures on a personal basis either. To put it bluntly, I haven't been putting the Lord first. I have no desire to go to church. It is not fun for me. I feel as though the whole ward is staring at me and my disruptive children. Having a 17 month old baby that doesn't want to sit still, screams at her disapproval makes church sometimes unbearable. In the last 4 months I think I've been to Relief Society a total of 3 times. Not including the Sundays that I teach.

Last week in Relief Society a sister made a comment that I needed to hear. We were talking about marriage. She heard some advice that was given to a new bride, " Your husband can not make you happy. Only you can do that." How true that statement is. And not just with our husbands, but with everything else. I am the only person that can make myself happy. I can't expect that from my husband, children, friends, weight loss, or even attending church(cause that's not doing much for me) to make me happy. But what I do for me, my attitude, my mood, does matter.

So along with my temporal goals, I should have some spiritual ones. My spirit is suffering, which is having temporal consequences. I need to put the Lord first and everything else should fall into place.

1. Rise Early and read my scriptures

2. Pray first thing in the morning and again in the evening. And anytime during the day when I feel alone or weak.

3. Attend the Temple once a month. Whether it be with my husband or alone, I need to go once a month. This is exercise for my spirit!!!

It comes and it goes

Motivation.

For me it comes in waves. I'm sure I'm not the only one that suffers from this. This week was a great reminder to me why I am trying to change my life for the better. This whole week was spent in careless and mindless eating. The only difference from the past is that I didn't eat as much of the bad stuff. Last night I was completely sick to my stomach. I seriously slumped on the couch ready to turn my head and hurl. Yes, it was that bad. I hadn't eaten that badly for a long time. I don't want to have to feel like that again, well, EVER!!! I know I will probably lose my motivation again and again. But in return I will be reminded again and again why I am striving for a healthier lifestyle.

My bad eating choices seriously effected my running as well. I felt heavy and weighed down. It was no fun. Making better eating choices really does make a difference in your athletic performance. I am by no means, and athlete, but it does make a difference.

The past few days I have been preparing myself for a renewed commitment. A commitment to eating better and exercising more often. I have a specific goal in mind and I need to do all that I can to achieve it.

I have no new strategies to begin my new week. I'm just going to stick to the ones that are working for me right now.

1. Count my calories

2. Burn at least 500 calories a day

3. Ask myself, "What would a 160lb woman do today?"

4. Be Positive

5. Drink more water then Diet Coke

I have so much enjoyed running with my friends the past few days. I am going to try and reach out to those same friends and try to gather a few more into the exciting world of run/walking. It has changed my life and it continues to.

Plus, I need to continue to train for that darn 10k. In all actuality, I'm getting excited for it. I am reaching into territories I never thought possible. That is exciting.

Not feeling it

This week has been a struggle for me. When has this journey not been a struggle for me? I have had no motivation to exercise or eat right. Nothing emotionally upsetting is going on with me this week. I'm just not feeling like a fight. I think I might just be needing a break or something. Is it possible to take a break from and all consuming goal to lose 16 more lbs? I know it will take me at least a week longer to reach my goal. And come Monday morning I will probably regret my decision to take a break. Or it might be just the thing to get me going strong again.

Runner's Wave

This morning when I went for my jog I passed several other joggers. I love how cordial other runners are. Always waving or saying "Good Morning", "Hello" and such. There is a type of comradery amongst runners that is endearing. Another endearing quality about runners is there ability to encourage. I know several people who run marathons and every time I talk to them about running and the meazley miles that I run they are always so excited for me and encourage me to keep going. I love that.

I signed up today for the Speedy Spaniard. This is a 10k. Yikes!!! With much encouragement from Melissa, Amy and Brent I will be running 6 miles on July 24th!!! Well, I wont run the entire time, but I will do my best. Whoa, what was I thinking.

Freedom 5k

I did it. I ran in the Freedom 5k in Provo. It didn't turn out the way I had hoped, but just running it was a huge accomplishment for me.

The previous day I had gotten up at 5:30am to go to the Balloon Launch which is part of the festivities in Provo. Directly after teh balloons I took the kids on a hike up to Bridal Veil Falls. After that we went to Thanksgiving Point with my parents. In the evening we took the kids, courtesy of Brent's Boss, to a REAL Salt Lake Soccer game. We didn't get home and in bed until midnight. Not good for someone who is running a race the next day. I still kept my spirits up because I knew that Brent and the kids were going to be there cheering for me at the finsih line. Soon after going to bed Grace started fussing and she ended up vomiting several times in the night and spent the rest of the night in bed with Brent and myself. Sigh. Another strike against me.

When my alarm went off I wanted to roll over and go back to bed. But I knew that I had set a goal and I was committed to reaching this goal. I got up, got dressed and was gathering all the kids clothes when Brent suggested he stay home. I knew this was the wise choice but what spirit I had was quickly dashed. Not only that, due to my lack of sleep I didn't feel well at all.

I jumped in the suburban and drove to Provo by myself. Parked by myself. Walked to the start line by myself. Waited for the race to start by myself. Ran/walked the race by myself and finished the loneliest person there at the race.

The only ray of light during the whole morning was Emily Gunderson. She must have spotted me and came over to say hello and to wish me luck. She will never know how much that meant to me that morning. So Emily, if you are reading this, thanks. That smile and hello meant the world to me!!!

I regret walk/jogging this race. I finsihed with a time of 33:10. Which is probably the exact same time as the Springville race. So many circumstances were working against me. But I am grateful that I fought and battled to the end. I might not have started or finsihed this race the way I had hoped. But I ran it. And that's what counts.

I had Brent take these photos of me after I returned home. I had to have some kind of documentation.