I was resolved to begin a new today. Breakfast was great and it ended there. I spent a torturous time at Walmart waiting for my ride to get an oil change. The wait went through lunch and I was starving. I bought some sandwiches and the kids and I split them. But what are sandwiches without chips and a drink? I didn't eat an entire bag of chips, just a few, really. But then it went completely down hill form there. There was leftover cake on the stove I picked at the frosting all afternoon and evening. Dinner wasn't so bad. I made home made chili and we ate it with instant potatoes. Strange, but it was good. Our side dish was watermelon and it was good, good, good.
I can feel my gut getting bigger. All my extra calories go directly to my stomach making my pouch ginormous. So embarassing. Even though I feel my gut getting bigger I have no desire to do anything about it. Why is that? I know that what I am doing is wrong, and yet, it doesn't matter. I have this silly 10k to train for and my desire to train for it is minimal. That is so not acceptable.
What am I going to do with myself? I know better. I know what I'm suppose to be doing. I know how to eat.
What is going on that is causing this lack of desire? Brent is preparing to leave again for a week. Is that it? It is difficult for me to be by myself all day long without a spouse. I do it all day long by myself, but the evenings are different. But my Mom offered to help out in the evenings and my sister-in-law offered to hang out.
Is it that my children are getting older? My second just celebrated her 10th birthday and my oldest is going to be turning 12. I have to admit that they are more enjoyable to be around as they get older. I can carry on a conversation with them. They have their own ideas, and opinions, and desire to push their boundries. Yes, that is hard and delightful at the same time.
Do I feel overwhelmed as a mother? Yes. I think I am feeling inadequate to be the mother of 6 children. Especially on days when my children are constantly bickering over everything, are loud, are disobedient, are just being children.
Is my lamp empty or full? Right now it is low. I think this is the root too all my suffering(not that it's that much suffering). But I haven't been to the Temple in ages. I haven't been studying my scriptures on a personal basis either. To put it bluntly, I haven't been putting the Lord first. I have no desire to go to church. It is not fun for me. I feel as though the whole ward is staring at me and my disruptive children. Having a 17 month old baby that doesn't want to sit still, screams at her disapproval makes church sometimes unbearable. In the last 4 months I think I've been to Relief Society a total of 3 times. Not including the Sundays that I teach.
Last week in Relief Society a sister made a comment that I needed to hear. We were talking about marriage. She heard some advice that was given to a new bride, " Your husband can not make you happy. Only you can do that." How true that statement is. And not just with our husbands, but with everything else. I am the only person that can make myself happy. I can't expect that from my husband, children, friends, weight loss, or even attending church(cause that's not doing much for me) to make me happy. But what I do for me, my attitude, my mood, does matter.
So along with my temporal goals, I should have some spiritual ones. My spirit is suffering, which is having temporal consequences. I need to put the Lord first and everything else should fall into place.
1. Rise Early and read my scriptures
2. Pray first thing in the morning and again in the evening. And anytime during the day when I feel alone or weak.
3. Attend the Temple once a month. Whether it be with my husband or alone, I need to go once a month. This is exercise for my spirit!!!
2 comments:
It was fun to see you this morning. I was wishing I could run with you. You have been a great example. I keep thinking about January 2010 when I'm going to be on a journey again too! It gives me anxiety. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are making GREAT strides.
It is soooo difficult when we hit those walls isn't it? I hit one recently myself. Keep pluggin' along. You'll get through it. It helped me to focus on how far I'd come so far. I tell myself when I'm having a bad run, "You can do this. Your body was made from the same basic blueprint as people who run marathons. Keep going."
Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, and part of that is being healthy. I think that when we don't take care of our bodies, the Spirit can't be as present as the times we do. Since you're trying so hard to meet these goals, the adversary must be working extra hard on you : ) Don't let him win!
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