Still no change on the scale

I quickly stepped on the scale this morning at the gym. I was sad to see the same number but relieved that it didn't go up. At some point on this journey the scale has to go down. On a happier note I am noticing some changes in my body. My upper legs are getting more toned due to spin class, and I think my gut might be going down as well. I'm not giving up and I'm going to continue to get up at 4:45am to go to the gym. Losing weight causes me to be cranky. I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does. There's just no way around pain, exhaustion, and hunger pains. I wish there was, but I think it's just part of the process. Through it all I become so aware of my body, down to the tiniest of muscles. I just wish I could do it with the crank. I will just continue to pray for strength and energy. Pray for little miracles during the day.

Yesterday I rewarded myself with a york peppermint paddy. I really needed it and so I gave it to myself. I think that helped to not completely sabotage myself. I was careful the rest of the day and had an amazing dinner of pf chang chicken wraps. Home made of course. And they were truly AMAZING!!! I just turned it into a salad. I add zucchini to the mix and that added so much more nutrition to the meal. Yesterday morning I also made zucchini whole wheat waffles for the kids for breakfast. I even ate two squares because they were so healthy. It's been so much fun making my meals with a healthy twist. Finding ways to sneak in veggies into my kids diet has been fun and challenging too! I hope to make it a permanent strategy.

A note and kind words

This morning I was busy getting the kids breakfast. A lot of things go unnoticed sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life. As I went to clear a spot at the table I noticed my journal that I had written in last night had handwriting other then my own. I picked it up and it was a note from my husband expressing to me that I was awesome and that he loves me no matter what I look like. It was only a few short sentences but they spoke volumes. I don't think he'll ever understand how much those sentences mean to me. He doesn't write notes very often, twice a year maybe. Once on birthday and again on Mother's Day. So to me, this was big. It brought me to tears.

Encouragement is sometimes all we need to push us past our difficult moments. This morning I talked with the turbo-kick instructor and her encouragement and kind words were also very helpful. As are all the comments from my friends who read this blog. I couldn't keep going on this journey without you or your kind words of encouragement. Life is to short to go it alone. Thanks for being apart of mine.

The only meal I struggled with was dinner. I didn't have anything planned for me and a salad just sounded disgusting. So I had Top Ramen with everyone else, portion tiny with some canned green beans. I made sure not to eat anything after dinner. Other then that, it was a great eating day. I hope I can keep it up.

Reflect and Readjust

I had plenty of time this weekend to reflect on the past 3 weeks. Thursday morning I went and talked with Melissa. I mostly cried about my disappointment and frustration. On the surface I wanted to quit. Deep down inside I was resolved to change even more, to improve in my nutrition. Melissa asked the right questions, which I'm so grateful for. She asked me how my weekends were going. I hate weekends. They are difficult for me, eating wise. I love weekends because I get to spend time with the family and do fun things. But eating makes it so it's regretful. I revert into bad habits so I quickly become the closet eater and sneak treats that I shouldn't have. A handful of chocolate chips, a handful of reece's pieces, a candy bar at the store, a doughnut at the store, and so on and so forth. I have to break my bad habit weekends. I know I do well with a free day, but it's so hard to stick to just one day. I want so badly to lose this weight, and the disappointment of a bad 3 weeks is really putting me in the mindset that I need to be in to break this bad habit. My first question to myself is how? How do I break years and years of purging on the weekends. Purging from Fridays clear through till I have a treat at FHE. Seriously? What comes to my mind is a lot of prayer and discipline. I need to also be completely and utterly prepared for Saturdays. Have my meals lined up, and they must be easy to prepare. For the next 3 weeks I'm going to attack my Saturdays with these strategies.

During the week I can improve upon my snacking. I was replacing my diet coke vice with special K bars. Hey, they were only 90 calories. Well, I would end up having 2 and a bite of Grace's. How the heck is that going to help me lose weight. It's not. Plus I wasn't being super careful or "strict" with myself. I hate using the word strict because it has such negative conotation. But if I'm going to lose this weight I need to be strict for the next 4 months. I truly truly turly want to have this weight gone by the time my kids are out of school. Another strategy that I'm going to implement is to eat my carbs in the morning and early afternoon. No carbs after 4pm, no matter what. To conclude my day I'm going to stop eating after dinner. I'm also going to concentrate on drinking just water during the day. Unless I go out then I allow myself a diet coke. I drop my cup in the trash on the way out the door.

I've also been encouraged to keep a journal. A real physical journal where I keep track of every calorie I eat and my feelings associated with those calories. I wont be keeping track of those here, too boring.

So to re-cap, my goals for the next 3 weeks are to:
1. Become victorious over my weekends by:
a. Prayer
b. Discipline
c. Having my meals planned a head of time
d. sit and write until my urge to purge goes away
2. Make more sensible snacking choices
3. No carbs after 4pm
4. Drink more water
5. Keep a journal of my eating and emotions

I wont be changing my exercise routine. I don't think I can exercise more then I already am. I guess I could, and towards the end I might have to. But for now, I need to feed my oven with fuel to get my oven hot and ready to burn all this fat off of me. My fuel wasn't quality the past 3 weeks and they are going to be for the next 3. If this doesn't help to see some change... I will give up. Give up on losing weight. I wont give up on trying to be healthy. Just losing weight. Okay, maybe I'll give it another 3 weeks. We'll just have to wait and see how the next 3 go!!

The Reality of it All

I stepped on the scale at the gym yesterday morning and this morning. Reality punched me in the face with a 3lb weight gain!!! I'm not losing a 1lb a week I'm freaking gaining a 1lb a week. This is just not fair. I have been working my tail end off going to the gym every single morning for the past 3 weeks, only missing once, sweating like I've never sweat before and I'm on the verge of tears for the second day in a row. This just doesn't seem fair to me. I've been careful with what I've been eating and it just doesn't seem to matter one bit.

Discouragement is quickly setting in. How am I suppose to work any harder then I already am? I've stopped drinking diet coke, I've cut out sweets during the day, I've increased my fruits and veggies and downing loads of water, getting up at 4:45am and working out until 7am at the gym. What am I doing wrong?

I really want to just stop. What use is all this work? Nothing apparently. My whole goal is to lose weight, in all reality. I know I'm suppose to be getting healthier as well. But if weight loss isn't a result of healthier choices, what's the use.

This really sucks and I don't know how to keep going.

That was so hard I wanted to cry

Yesterday I worked out my lower body with Melissa. Due to my determination to lose weight and inches I grabed for a heavy weight. Oh the agony. I was so sore this morning. I could feel it coming on last night. Of course I had to go to the Spin Natzi for spinning class this morning. I didn't think I would make it through just the warm up. Spin class is hard enough for me, let alone when my legs are super sore and exhausted. Half way through class I wanted to get off the bike and leave. But alas, I didn't. No matter how exhausted I was, I knew I was changing my body. And the only way I am going to change my body is to push through pain and discomfort. During the work out I did want to cry, to vomit and to give up. But my will to lose weight was stronger then my pain. Did I put forth my best effort today, maybe not. But just the fact that I stuck with that stinking class was enough for me today.

As a result I have been overly tired today. To the point of tears. I'm quick to anger, and I just feel cranky. On top of it all I can't stop obessing about my gut. My bulging bulbous belly. It is the reason I am working so hard and at the same time it is also discouraging to me. I look in the mirror in the mornings and think that it will never go down in inches. What I need is a miracle for that to happen. I've been struggling with my weight ever since I've lived in Spanish Fork. I stood on many precipices last year, but this is the biggest one by far. And I'm scared. I still don't know why. But I am. Maybe it's of failing again.

I'm no longer satisfied with the body that I have. This is the reason for my insane work-out schedule. I look at all the girls at the gym who are there at the same time as me and for the same amount of time and they're all skinny minnies. When will my time come to be a skinny minnie? Yes, it's only 2.5 weeks and I need to give it at least 2 months to see some change. But gosh darn it I'm getting impatient. I have 15 freaking more weeks of this hell and I'd better start seeing some results soon or I'm going to ask people to start putting me out of my misery.

Where's that genie in a bottle? I just want one wish granted, and that's to be 155lbs, no less. Is that too hard to ask? Or maybe I'd ask for a freakishly fast metabolism, that way I could eat what ever the heck I wanted and just worry about the work out portion. Ya, that's the ticket.

I'm just tired. I need to go to be super early tonight.

So Tempting

I'm finding it hard not to step on the scale. I've noticed that my gut has gone down just a tad, but enough for me to notice a difference. I feel like I've lost weight, but I can't really confirm that since I'm not stepping on any scales. It's probably a good thing that my current scale needs new batteries. And it's too much work to pull out my wii fit board and go through that process. I guess I could do that if I become desperate. Then I run the risk of becoming discouraged. The instructor for my turbo-kick class encouraged us not to step on the scale for the first month, almost 2. She told us that it takes almost 2 months before we start seeing results. My problem is that I'm not a new comer to working out. I've been working out this whole last year. I wasn't working out as intensely as I've started to this year. I hope I have that going for me.

It's the nutrition that continues to head my progress. I'm trying to indulge as much as I can on Sunday's without sabotaging myself. I know having a free day will help me to be good during the whole week. I find that I struggle starting Friday nights. I need to find the strength to say no and keep strong. It's just so freaking hard. It shouldn't be hard if I am really serious about losing weight. But losing weight is hard and this is a challenge for me.

I need to continue to pray for strength and ways to overcome my years and years of bad habits.

It's going to happen. This weight is going to come off in 4 months. NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Gut Gage; Week 2

There are many things that I've been thinking about this past week. First and foremost I've improved upon my eating. I didn't "cheat" as much this week. I knew that I needed to eat better if all the exercise I was doing was going to have a chance to work. It's still difficult to not reach for something sweet after lunch and dinner. Instead of snacking on Special K bars, I use those as my "dessert". I'm also finding that my appetite has increased since I'm exercising so much. So it's even more vital that I have a well stocked pantry and reach for fruits and veggies.

I didn't drink 1 diet coke this week!!! Not ONE!!! Amazing. And the most astonishing realization is that I really don't miss it or have any kind of attachment to it. What a relief. I still miss the fizz of soda and so I indulged in a Fresca yesterday with lunch. It was refreshing and hit the spot. After my glass was gone, I reached for my water. I have been trying to drink more water this week as well. I know it helps in at least two ways. First, it keeps my hydrated, especially my muscles that I'm trying to strengthen and grow. And second, it helps keep hunger at bay. I think in the past I've confused thirst with hunger. To try and combat that, I keep a big glass of ice water on the counter ready for me at all times. It seems to be a strategy that is working well.

This past week there is one word that stuck out in my mind. Uncomfortable. I heard it first from Melissa. She commented that if I get uncomfortable during the day with my hunger, that it's a good thing. My body is burning fat and my stomach is decreasing. I'm not starving by any means. I think it's good to feel those hunger pains. Which in the past I've forgotten what those are like. Now I welcome them. They make me feel more alive and aware of my body. It's great. I heard if for a second time in my spin class. The instructor told us to run faster then what was comfortable. I heard it again in my turbo-kick class. I realized once again that one of the major ways we can change our lives, and our bodies is to get out of our comfort zones. Weither that is physically, mentally, sprititually or socially. Great changes happen when are utterly and completely uncomfortable. I have been uncomfortable all week. Especially in the exercise, physical aspect. I do need to feel more uncomfortable during the day and welcome my hunger pains.

Food has always been a major battle for me. A comforting feeling came over me as I continued on this journey. I found relief from junk food. I felt my body give itself a big sigh, and was almost thanking me for eating well. This doesn't mean that I don't struggle with major sugar urges. I still have a lot of emotional attachment to food, and a lot of bad habits that I have to break. Just simply recognizing that my body welcomed the change, is encouraging.

Deep down I'm tired of treating myself like crap. Feeding my body crap. Saying crappy things to myself. My body was created in the image of a loving God, who loves me and wants me to be happy. Well, I want to be happy too. I refuse to treat myself like this any longer. I deserve better. And if only for the simple fact that I am a daughter of God.

As I go along this journey of weight loss. I'm trying to gage my success by other variable besides the scale. One way, as you found last week, is my friday pants. Which I have yet to put on. The other gage is going to be by my gut. I loathe my gut. I've tried to look at it positively. No matter how many times I tell myelf it reminds me of the miracle of 6 children, it's just not working anymore. I had seeing it stick out when I stand sideways. I hate how it rolls over my legs when I sit down on the toilet and can grab at it on either side. DISGUSTING!!! When I roll over in bed it sags to the side and I can grab at it there to. Every morning as I roll out of bed, I pause when I come to my side and grab that sag. One day that sag will start to go down and there will be less to grab. That is my dream. To one day no longer have a sagging gut. It is by far the most discouraging feature on my body. All my hard work is to get rid of that. And a few other "problem" features on my body as well. I'll be honest, there's a lot.

I have to remind myself that this is just the second week and all articles I've been reading online tell me that it will take me anywhere from 17-19 weeks to lose this weight. Which can be a long time but really, it's not. I just need to keep my chin up, my calories down, and my exercise intense.

Say Hello to my Friday pants, week 1

I decided that when I started this journey again that I wasn't going to weigh in for the first month. I can't deal with the agony that is associated with stepping on the scale and seeing a not so good number! So instead, I'm using Friday pants to gauge my progress for the first month. I will use them for the duration of this journey, but they'll be my scale for the first month. I took photos of myself this morning and planned to post them here. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a whole lot of muffin top, fat back, and bedonk-i-donk going. I reveal a lot of myself in this blog, I just can't reveal that much. Besides, anyone who reads this, and saw the photos, would feel the urge to vomit and never return again.

It was very motivational for me to take the photos non-the-less. I saw where I needed to improve and had a great desire to fit in those damn pants. It made me want to eat super healthy and work out twice as hard. How I can work out harder then I am? I don't think it's possible. Okay, it is cause they do it on the biggest loser.

One week down and just 15 more to go. That is just crazy to think about. It was a good week overall. I loved all the exercise and know that I need to do some tweaking with my eating. I'm ready to get my oven burning hot hot hot and melt this fat away.

You've gotta try this

Turbo Kick that is. It was a total wicked work-out. Fun, intense, and very motivational. I highly enjoyed the instructor. She was so positive. Towards the end of the work-out we were doing squats, before I knew it the trainer was right by my side saying to the whole class, "I wish you could see her! She is squeezing those gluts and has wonderful form!" Oh boy!! I'm sure the hundreds and hundreds of squats that I've done with Melissa has helped me. I was once again a sweaty mess when I left the gym!! I loved it. When I sweat like that I know I'm burning some serious calories.

Now for the hard part. I am not going to lose an ounce of fat if I don't really concentrate on my nutrition. All my working out is going to be for nothing if I don't get my real act together. I need to lock all those stupid special k bars away. They are too good, and I can easily down 2 of those in one sitting. I think it's better then indulging in cookies, or cookie dough or candy. I think what I'm doing is replacing the diet coke that I've taken out of my daily regimen. I knew that was going to happen. This is just the first week. I see where I need to improve and I am so ready to do it. I am going to grab for an apple instead of a special k bar. I need to keep a glass of ice water ready and waiting for me on my counter. Water is key to my success. I know what I need to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's the snacks that are killing me. Plus, working out for an average of 2 hrs a day is causing my appetite to be ravenous. I know I need to feed my body. Food is fuel, the right kind of food that is.

I did get me some excellent protein powder today. That should really help with the snacks. At least one of them anyway.

I am almost done with one week. Just 15 more to go. If things go as planned!!

Got Sweat?

I sure do. Especially after my brutal spin class this morning. I kept telling myself toward the end, I can't do this any more. But I didn't give up. I'm not even close to giving up yet. First of all the lady teaching the class has to be a work-out finatic. In fact, I know she is cause she's run on a treadmill next to me. She is a MACHINE!!!! And she worked us out like we were all enjoying the pain she was inflicting upon us. Maybe the other crack-heads were enjoying it. Me, not so much. Then again it was only my 2nd class in 3 years when just 3 years ago I only took 3 classes. I thought to myself, dang this is hard, is it going to get any easier? And then the sweat!!! Holy Crap was I sweaty. My pants were sticking to me, my shirt was sticking to me, my hair was sopping wet. I thought it was just my unconditioned self. As I eavesdropped on other conversations this is what I heard, " It's like I took a shower with all my clothes on, this is disgusting," and "I've never sweat this much in my life, I need to go wash my hands." I released a huge sigh of relief. Thank goodness it just wasn't me. I wasn't being whimping or weak. It really was a killer work-out. I had to have burned 600 calories, easy in that hour. Plus, I burned 222 calories the 30 minutes I spent on the treadmill just before the spinclass. As much as I complain about how horrid that class was, it wasn't. It was very rewarding to know I survived such torture, and I'll probably go back for me.

Now, as for the eating. I can still do much much better. I'm working on it. I'm still doing so much better then just a few weeks ago. Which isn't hard since it was the holidays. But I'm still giving credit where credit is due. I was introduced to this amazing website, www.dailyburn.com. This is one amazing calorie tracker. I recommend this to everyone trying to keep their calories, or just what they eat in check. I haven't explored too much of it yet. But I know the calorie tracker is killer.

Oh, this better work

I made it to the gym again this morning. I was there for total of 1 hour and 45 minutes. I ran/walked on the treadmill and then went to the Turbo Kick class. It was a good morning. But my exercise wasn't over with yet. At 9am I went to Melissa's and we tore our arms and back up. Cause you know, you have to tear those muscles down to build them back up again. I am beginning to feel my back and my arms. I keep thinking to myself, this had better work gosh darn it!!! If I don't lose weight working out almost 3 hours a day, just shoot me now.

I know that nutrition is definitely key, and I'm working, working, working on that. A day that I don't indulge in white anything, chocolate, cookies (including dough), or chips is a good, good day. And I've had two great days. There is still a ton of room for improvement. But I know what I have to do. Cut the crap, and eat the fresh.

I also realize that I need to continue to record what I eat. So I will do start doing that tomorrow. It truly helps to keep me in check.

Exploring the reasons I eat

I thought a lot about this topic over the holiday season. There was a lot of drama that went on. I found myself eating to once again comfort myself. I also found myself wondering the main floor and converging into the pantry and just eating for the sake of eating. I ate because I was bored. I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm frustrated, I eat when I'm sad and lonely. For far too long food has been my comfort, my crutch.

I didn't achieve my whole goal last year. But the amazing thing about last year is I never stopped thinking about my end goal. I might have lost my will several times. But I never lost my way. I've always had a way. I know how to eat, what to eat and when to eat. It's having the confidence in myself to know that it will work. Hello, I lost 20lbs.

I'm still in the fight for my life. Losing this last 20lbs is not an option, it's a must. I must do everything in my power for the next 4 months to lose this weight. I'm giving myself a deadline. 20lbs in 4months is so doable is laughable. That's just barely over 1lb a week. Enough procrastination, enough justification, enough emotional eating and tearing myself down for my imperfections.

I'm so mad at myself for giving up last year. What was I thinking? I was thinking it was too hard. But if I'd just do it I wouldn't have to put myself through is any longer.

Today I went to the gym at 5am. I walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes and went to a spinning class for 45 minutes. To supplement my my nutrition retardidness I'm going to workout 2-3 hours a day. Crazy and insane I know. But this is SERIOUS!!! After I lose this 20lbs I just have to maintain. I've maintained this weight for 6 months. Maintaining is the easy part, losing is not.

But this is the year I finish the job. It has to be. I'm done having my life being a burden on myself.