Reflect and Readjust

I had plenty of time this weekend to reflect on the past 3 weeks. Thursday morning I went and talked with Melissa. I mostly cried about my disappointment and frustration. On the surface I wanted to quit. Deep down inside I was resolved to change even more, to improve in my nutrition. Melissa asked the right questions, which I'm so grateful for. She asked me how my weekends were going. I hate weekends. They are difficult for me, eating wise. I love weekends because I get to spend time with the family and do fun things. But eating makes it so it's regretful. I revert into bad habits so I quickly become the closet eater and sneak treats that I shouldn't have. A handful of chocolate chips, a handful of reece's pieces, a candy bar at the store, a doughnut at the store, and so on and so forth. I have to break my bad habit weekends. I know I do well with a free day, but it's so hard to stick to just one day. I want so badly to lose this weight, and the disappointment of a bad 3 weeks is really putting me in the mindset that I need to be in to break this bad habit. My first question to myself is how? How do I break years and years of purging on the weekends. Purging from Fridays clear through till I have a treat at FHE. Seriously? What comes to my mind is a lot of prayer and discipline. I need to also be completely and utterly prepared for Saturdays. Have my meals lined up, and they must be easy to prepare. For the next 3 weeks I'm going to attack my Saturdays with these strategies.

During the week I can improve upon my snacking. I was replacing my diet coke vice with special K bars. Hey, they were only 90 calories. Well, I would end up having 2 and a bite of Grace's. How the heck is that going to help me lose weight. It's not. Plus I wasn't being super careful or "strict" with myself. I hate using the word strict because it has such negative conotation. But if I'm going to lose this weight I need to be strict for the next 4 months. I truly truly turly want to have this weight gone by the time my kids are out of school. Another strategy that I'm going to implement is to eat my carbs in the morning and early afternoon. No carbs after 4pm, no matter what. To conclude my day I'm going to stop eating after dinner. I'm also going to concentrate on drinking just water during the day. Unless I go out then I allow myself a diet coke. I drop my cup in the trash on the way out the door.

I've also been encouraged to keep a journal. A real physical journal where I keep track of every calorie I eat and my feelings associated with those calories. I wont be keeping track of those here, too boring.

So to re-cap, my goals for the next 3 weeks are to:
1. Become victorious over my weekends by:
a. Prayer
b. Discipline
c. Having my meals planned a head of time
d. sit and write until my urge to purge goes away
2. Make more sensible snacking choices
3. No carbs after 4pm
4. Drink more water
5. Keep a journal of my eating and emotions

I wont be changing my exercise routine. I don't think I can exercise more then I already am. I guess I could, and towards the end I might have to. But for now, I need to feed my oven with fuel to get my oven hot and ready to burn all this fat off of me. My fuel wasn't quality the past 3 weeks and they are going to be for the next 3. If this doesn't help to see some change... I will give up. Give up on losing weight. I wont give up on trying to be healthy. Just losing weight. Okay, maybe I'll give it another 3 weeks. We'll just have to wait and see how the next 3 go!!