In the Trash

Now that several of our birthday celebrations are over with, I took liberties and threw away all left over crap in the trash.  Left over bags of candy, boxes of sugar cookies.  I didn't eat much candy over the weekend, a few cinnamon hearts, but I did eat more sugar cookies.   I am still an addict, and when stuff is around and I'm super hungry I still reach for the comforting food items.  To combat this, I just threw everything away that I knew was bad for me.  If it's not in the house to tempt me, I am forced to reach for something else. 

I did make some awesome salads over the weekend.  Really good stuff, even my 4 year old couldn't get enough.  I think we will be eating salads for lunch a lot in the future. 

This mornings green smoothy consisted of: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 orange, 1lime, 1 carrot, 1 celery, 1/4 apple, 1/4 pear, 1/4 cucumber, agave, and ice.  Ohhhhh, it's a good one too.  Citrusly Wonderful!!  I am debating on whether or not to move to two smoothies a day.  I think I'll wait to do that the 1st of March. The beginning of the year is so hard for me to stay on track.  What with my birthday, Grace's Birthday, Beckham's birthday and Isabel & Annika's all within a month of each other.  Plus you throw in Valentine's day,and it's cookie, cake, ice cream over load.  I must say, that I did better this year then in past years.  I need to woman up and just simply pass on the girls' birthday cake. 

I keep telling myself that candy is poison.  With that though continually running through my mind, it's been no problem to say no to the stuff.  Of course I still have my moments of weakness, but I still don't eat near as much as I use to. 

The frustrating part is that I'm not losing any weight.  I'm not eating as much as before either.  I am going to have to figure out how to get myself to start losing weight.  I haven't exercised every single day either, but I know tons of people who lose weight without exercising.  Besides, weight loss is 70% nutrition, and 30% exercise.  This week so far I've exercised everyday.  Yes, it's only been two days.  But I didn't let my kids being home yesterday get in the way of my work out.  I'm also following the class schedule for a program called TurboFire.  I am super committed to losing this weight.  I have set more solid dates to reach some of my goals.  Remember those first pair of pants, I would like to fit into those by the time my anniversary rolls around.  I still don't want to step on the scale, so I need to be putting those pants on every friday.  I have to gauge my success by something. 

I still wish losing weight didn't have to be so difficult.  This time will be different though.  It will be permanent.  I'm learning how to live my life the way God intended.  I'm learning how to be truly happy with who I am on the inside and on the outside.  I am learning how to be truly grateful for the things a loving Heavenly Father has bestowed upon me.  There is a great lesson to be learned in this trial.  I might not understand it right now, but I hope to very soon.

There's a Difference

I stopped drinking green smoothies for breakfast for a few days.  Not because I didn't want to drink them, but because I ran out of good things to blend.  As a result I started feeling sick again.  That probably has a lot to do with me being weak and giving into my cravings.  This past week has been a testament to me of how much my body is affected by sugar.  And not just with candy.  I have steered pretty clear of the that.  But sugar in general.  I recognized that I couldn't get up in the mornings.  But when I drink the green smoothies and cut out the sugar, I would automatically wake at 5am, rested and ready to start my day.  It was weird.  I almost felt like bouncing off the walls good. If felt awesome.  This week, I have started feeling sick again.  I can't get myself out of bed and I have to force myself to get things done around the house. 

There are so many other things that are easy for me to say NO to.  All those things would wreak havoc in my life as well.  But sugar, is different.  But now that I can actually recognize how it is affecting me, the choice to leave it alone should be more clear and easy. 

Yesterday was grocery shopping day.  I tried to stay away from processed foods.  It wasn't easy.  I bought mostly fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes.  Even though I am on a tight budget I am determined to take on this challenge and prove to myself and my husband that we can still eat healthy and get out of debt.  I was aching for a green smoothy this morning and my fridge was so wonderful to open up and have so many good things calling my name.  This morning I made a smoothy of 1 orange, 1/2 grapefruit, 1/4 apple, 1/2 banana, 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk, 1/4 english cucumber, 2 stalks kale, 1/4 cup water and a handful of ice.  Don't ever forget the ice.  It was a wonderful smoothy.  My goal now is to start adding more veggies to my smoothies.  I found in the beginning it was harder to add more veggies, the texture was just to hard for me to swallow.  But now that I'm several weeks into it, I don't mind it at all. 

Beginning Monday I am going to drink a smoothy for breakfast and lunch.  Just to help get these toxins out of my body and begin to curb my sugar cravings.  It really was amazing what those smoothies did for my body and spirit as a whole.  Because my body felt so good, I was a happier person spiritually.  It was wonderful. 

Green smoothies are awesome!! 

Cookie Overdose

Starting Monday we got an influx of sugar cookies.  In my home growing up we had sugar cookies on two holidays, Valentine's and Halloween.  Not sure why, but we always did.  It started to be something that I looked forward to.  I began that same tradition in my own family.  My sweet sister-in-law brought over some sugar cookies on Monday.  They were big and delicious.  I ate mine as soon as she set foot out the door.  I was quickly reminded that I needed to make some for myself and maybe a few neighbors.  So I made the dough that night.  I spent all morning long laboring over these cookies.  I made 5 plates to give to a few ladies in the ward, ladies I visit teach and my companion.  I still had gobs left over.  I frosted one for each of my kids, one for the hubs, and one for me.  I tell you what, they were the best sugar cookies I've ever made.  And maybe it's because I haven't been having too many sweets lately.  But let me tell you what, those suckers were like shots of morphine.  I couldn't leave those things alone.  That's not the end of the sugar cookie story.  In the early afternoon my Mom drove up from Provo to deliver yet another plate of unfrosted sugar cookies with sweet valentines for the each of us.  So sweet of her to drive all the way down.  Then after dinner, my brother and his wife dropped by with a bag filled with not one, but two containers of sugar cookies and frosting from Macey's.  That would make their delivery alone a total of 24 cookies!!!  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  I'm glad to say that the Macey's cookies were not, and still not a temptation to me.  But my cookies, people, it's been a difficult few days. 

Hi, I'm Amberlyn and I'm an addict.  I'm addict to sugar.  I think the reason I did so well for the past few weeks is due to the fact that I had no sugar to speak of in the house.  Now that it's been reintroduced into my little world I find that I have very little, if any at all, self control.  ***sigh*** 

I find comfort in the fact that at my sit down meals I am making super good choices.  Passing on the cheapo hot dogs, opting for the left over whole grain spagetti and fresh fruit.  Eating oat groats for breakfast and drinking water.  It's that darn sugar.  I just need to throw it all out.  I should have.  But I have a husband and children who adore the stuff as well.  But they don't have weight problems.  I do. 

I knew there would be set backs.  But I just never expected it to be so soon.  Maybe by saying(typing) that out loud I was setting myself up for a set back.  Is that even possible?  I was listening to a Dr. this morning on 101.9 whose name is Dr. Matt.  There was a women who called and tried to convince him that she was afraid of success.  He asked her if the more appropriate question to ask was, Are you afraid of failing?  As she thought about it for a moment she said, Yes.  She has negative self talk, which leads to self doubt and then failure.  As I listened to that conversation I realized that I am like that woman in more ways then one.  In the past I was a ton more like her.  The only reason I feel like this time is going to be different is there are no underlying feelings of doubt.  Yes, I might get discouraged, but I am not going to let that get in the way of my success. 

There is a lot more that I could say at this juncture, but then I would just be blabbing.  I will leave my other thoughts for tomorrow.  For they are good ones. 

I am grateful for my body.  The sacred gift that it is.  I am grateful for this journey that I am on.  Change is still happening.  I feel it in the depths of my soul. 

Can't help it, hungry all the time

I wish I could say that I had an outstanding weekend.  But I didn't.  In fact, it was not a good weekend at all.  I slipped back into an old habit and bought some candy while at the store on Saturday.  I even had some red vines while I watched a movie.  I passed on cake and ice cream on Sunday, which was a good thing.  I ate a sugar cookie today.  And you know what, I feel like crap.  Not emotionally, cuz I made the conscious decision to eat all those item.  I mean, I feel like crap physically.  Candy and sugar are poison to my body. 

I am having a moment of self pity, and self doubt.  I was doing so good for so many weeks.  I had several moments of weakness.  But I need to pick myself up and keep going.  Brush off the dust from my fall and move forward with more determination then ever.  I will be relieved when Birthdays are over and Valentine's too. 

I know that I am an addict, and it's so hard to go into pretty much any store and be tempted by my choice of drug.  It truly is a battle every single day of my life. 

Tomorrow is going to be better.  I have to get this gunk out of my system.  I was feeling fantastic for a short little while.  I want that feeling back.  I want it back.  What price am I willing to pay to get it back?  Sacrifice my desire for candy and sugar.  No matter how much I think my mind wants it, my body does not.  My body is trying to tell that to me right now. 

My goals for this week:
1. To not eat any candy or sugar.  Except for the chocolate covered strawberries I have planned to serve my family tomorrow.
2. I must eat more veggies and fruits at every meal.  
3. Make scripture study a priority.
4. Make sure to exercise 4-5 times again this week.  
5. Celebrate small accomplishments.  And not with food. 

I will wear those clothes in my closet again.  I'm not going to let my choice of drug get in the way! 

What is your choice of drug?  If you have one, what do you do to keep it out of your life?

Increased Exercise = Increased Hunger

I have exercised for 3 days this week.  I have 2 more to go until I reach my goal this week.  The past two mornings I've been doing a work out titled Turbo Fire.  And let me tell you, I've been sweating A LOT.  This morning was border line disgusting.  But it felt good to be that sweaty.  I know that I am burning fat and calories and that is just awesome!!  There is a slight down fall to so much intense exercise, increased hunger.  I am so hungry all the time.  My body must be burning through my energy food.  I have faced this before and have never really known how to defeat the problem.  I think I will just welcome hunger as my friend.  It's alerting me to the fact that I am working hard, right?  Or I guess I could feed my body and apple, orange or something like that.  I could also drink more water.  Which I have been doing.  3pm is close at hand and this is the hardest time for me to defeat this raging hunger.  I better do something to combat it.  I think I'll go make a relish tray for my kids as their after school snack.  I can eat all the veggies I want.  Good idea.  Brilliant.  Let's go with that. 

I struggled looking in the mirror this morning.  I so desire to see change that it's disappointing when I don't.  Right now I guess change is going to be small.  And those small changes are slowly going to add up to something big and rewarding.  How can someone who hasn't eaten candy or soda and not much sweets not lose any weight?  Maybe my body is trying to heal it's self first before it starts to lose anything.  Your right, it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet.  I need to continually tell myself that permanent change takes time.  I need to allow myself time.  But gosh darn-nit, I want it NOW!!!!  Haven't you ever wanted something so badly and you wanted it right then and there?  Unfortunately my want isn't something that can happen with the wave of a magic wand, although that would be nice.  Anyone know where I can get a hold of a Harry Potter wand? 

I guess I'll just have to keep working and working hard.  So far it's still quiet easy.  Easy because I am determined.  I guess it's easy in a difficult way.  That probably doesn't even make any sense. 

Last night I made some delicious chicken that I breaded in home made whole wheat biscuits.  I was watching diners, drive-ins and dives and this women breaded EVERYTHING in her old stale biscuits.  I thought to myself, I have biscuits sitting in the pantry that I know no one is going to eat, cuz they prefer the white ones.  My family tends to lean towards all things white.  I let them sit out all day on the counter, getting good and dry.  Then I ground them up in the food processor.  I then did the typical dredging technique, cooked them in a little bit of coconut oil(no it did not change the taste of the chicken).  I think that is by far a more healthier version of Parmesan chicken, and the kids and husband gobbled it up.   I ate mine with a side of roasted butternut squash and sauted green beans.  I made smashed potatoes for everyone else.  Of course I had to taste the potatoes to make sure they were eatable.  And they were.  I made sure of it with a few more bites.  For some reason smashed potatoes never tasted so good!! 

After my work out the instructor said something that I loved.  She told the audience that you have to celebrate all the small accomplishments, like finishing a hard work out.  I am still trying to focus on my small accomplishments, and little miracles.  Like I keep saying, those small things will finally add up to something big and profound. 

I just hope I have enough patience to watch it happen.

A closet full of clothes

My weight has fluctuated since the birth of my last child.  Heavy, a little lighter, Heavy, even Heavier, a little lighter.  Through it all I have a closet full of clothes that sometimes fit beautifully and other times torture me every time I step foot in my closet.  I was doing some organization in that closet and though I'd might get rid of a few items.  A feeling stopped me from doing so.  Even though I am at a heavier time in my life, very soon, some of those clothes I will be able to fit into again.  And a little while longer, hopefully those clothes will even fit a little lose.

It's hard to look at clothes you were once able to wear and can no longer.  There is an ache in my heart to get back to wearing those clothes.  And only one thing can help me do that, self discipline.  Of course goals are important too.  Instead of letting those clothes hold me back, it gives me a greater desire to practice self-discipline and replace bad habits with good ones.  Like opening a piece of gum rather then the pantry.  Drinking water rather then soda.  Munching on veggies rather then candy.

Life will change for me.  I'm sure of it.  Even though I haven't lost a ton of weight since quitting soda and candy, I'm confident that it will soon start to fall off.  Maybe slowly at first.  But I'm sure that as soon as I get myself into a regular exercise routine that it will hopefully begin to fall off more quickly.  And if it doesn't despite the change in my diet and level of activity, I am prepared to accept myself for the way that I am.  And I will buy a new wardrobe and give away my clothes to someone else.  They will be truly lucky cuz I have some stinking cute things in that closet of mine.  But that's not positive thinking.  I promised myself to continue with being positive.  Changes will come, only time will tell when. 

Living Life Without Licking the Bowl

There are several things in my life that are very tempting to me.  Anything with the words lime and coconut, chocolate, ice cream, Mexican food(especially the crusty melted cheese on top of an enchilada), cookie dough(let's face it people, I make cookies for the dough, not the cookies), and licking the bowl after making brownies or cakes.  YUM!! 

Today is my sweet daughter's 4th birthday.  I am going to be making her a Princess Belle cake.  I hope it turns out.  I am NOT a good backer or decorator, let's not kid ourselves.  This morning I beat the batter, and not once did I lick the bowl, or the spatula.  What is this world coming to when Amberlyn Wood doesn't lick the bowl or the spoon??!!  I think the heavens, planets, stars or something have worked magic on my soul.  What ever it is, it's amazing!! 

It feels awesome to want to do something out of love for self, rather then hate.  I'm doing this now because I am grateful for my body and want it to live a long time.  I'm not doing it because I hate my body and I'm not living up to what the world thinks I should look like.  That is a tremendous, life altering difference.  It makes making good choices easy. 

Yesterday I turned 36.  Ya, I know, I'm getting old.  Only 4 more years until I turn 40.  I am hoping that by gaining a healthier me, aging wont be so difficult. 

This morning I still had a green smoothy.  And it was delicious.  I love that I can start my day with spinach and kale tasting like peanut butter and bananas. 

I need to let it be known what my goals are for this week.  I am focusing on weekly goals.  Baby steps. 

1. Exercise at least 5 times
2. Drink a smoothy every morning for breakfast.
3. Learn more about legumes
4. Make sure to incorporate some kind of whole grain at lunch and dinner.
5. Continue to be positive and exercise self-discipline.

Super Bowl Success

Saturday was my first day back to eating regular food.  I have to admit that I would rather drink smoothies all day long then try and figure out what to eat.  I want so badly to make the right choices that I'm afraid of making a mistake.  I still drank a smoothy for breakfast, which was great.  For lunch I had a quick sandwich and some sugar snap peas.  And for dinner, I made the most amazing Thai Chicken Pizza!!  It really was amazing.  I need to post the recipe because it was that good.  I think a big part to being successful is making sure you plan appropriately.  I didn't have anything planned for lunch.  But all day I had been waiting to make that pizza.

Then there was Sunday.  The super bowl.  I knew this was going to be another huge hurdle for myself.  Since I had already made the decision to not eat anything white or highly processed, my meal was not a struggle.  I had fasted all day long too, so I thought my hunger was going to get the best of me.  But it didn't.  I had two doritos,  and passed on all the other chips. Even the tortilla chips.  Instead, I made for myself some whole wheat pita chips.  I also made a healthier version of 7 layer bean dip, and a quinoa salad that was out of this world delicious.  I will share all those recipes with you too.  My plate was filled with good, healthy, whole grain foods.  I think I had 6 licorice nibs.  There were several there that were celebrating birthdays, including me, and a friend made a huge chocolate sheet cake.  Normally I would be drooling over that and I would be thinking about it all night long.  I didn't even have a slice, even after it was cut up.  I think I tried a 1/4 just to try it.  It was good.  But I didn't have to go back for more.  I did make these lime coconut bars that were to die for, and not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.  But I had just one square, and I savored every bite.

All these good days have to start adding up.  It has become easier since I've made the choice now not to eat white processed food.  It's easier now that I have made the choice not to eat candy or drink soda.  And I can feel the difference.  It's been what? 6 weeks now that I haven't had any soda and 3 weeks that I haven't had any candy.  That is truly a small miracle in my life.  What a blessing.

Day Four: It was just too much

I hate to have to post about my short comings and weaknesses.  But I feel it's a part of the process.  The hunger was just toooooo much for me.  My brain was hurting, my nerves were on edge, I was weak and just couldn't think straight.  With all that going on, and still having to be at home taking care of a family of 8, I caved.  I caved hard.  I had to make bread for sandwiches.  I just couldn't resist eating the butt of the bread with some butter.  It tasted sooooooo goooood!  I just had to have another.  That seemed to help, a lot.  But then I was making dinner,  and I was making mexican, which is my favorite type of food, another mistake.  I  had a corn tortilla with fat free refried beans and lime rice.  Ugh.  Usually on Fridays I make pizza.  Not this Friday.  I'm going to make gag a mag hot dogs.  Those are easy to say no to. 

As I agonized over my decision to eat that food, it took everything in me to not beat myself up over it.  I had to quickly throw away visions of me slipping back into my old bad habits.  I also need to remember to be gentle with myself.  I think for the most part, I'm doing a good job.  So I wasn't perfect.  At least it wasn't a bag of candy or a bag of chips.  It was all good, healthy, whole grain food that I ate.  I also had a greater desire to keep exercising self discipline.  I would be kidding myself if I thought this journey was going to be easy with no mistakes what so ever.  I need to remember to allow for set backs.  But not to allow those set backs to keep me from moving forward.   

This morning I worked out hard with my friend Melissa.  I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I also knew that I wouldn't make it through the day unless I had some kind of complex carb.  So hence I had another slice of whole wheat bread.  I know that lifting weights burns right through your energy.  I have no guilt.  And that feels good. 

I also need to start thinking about what my strategy is going to be for the rest of the month.  I thought I was going to do 2 times a day green smoothies, and then a balanced dinner.  But I'm done drinking smoothies for now. Except, I will still drink them for breakfast.  I am going to concentrate on eating just whole grain foods.  Nothing white or processed.  That means, short grain brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole wheat bread.  I am also going to try and incorporate more legumes into my diet as well, like lentils.  I need to do a little more research on legumes.  I am also going to try and incorporate more nuts like almonds, pecans and cashews.  Yum.  I was thinking about how much I love sandwiches.  But I need to start thinking of healthier alternatives.  Instead of mayo on my chicken salad, how about a yummy vinaigrette?  And to add some creaminess, why not use a hummus as the spread.  Ideas are starting to flood my brain. 

Day Three: Feeling the hunger

I have to first report on another small victory that I had last night.  Moms were invited to attend mutual with the beehives. The title of the evening was Moms and Muffins.  I knew this even before starting my smoothy fast.  I told my friend that this night would be my first challenge to stay clean.  Not only did they have muffins at the end of the activity, but one of the activities was to open a bag of skittle, pick our a color, ask and answer the question that coordinated with the color and then eat the skittle.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What is a girl trying to permanently change her life going to do?  Well, I picked out a color and gave it to my daughter to eat.  Hannah knows the journey that I am on right now and she was completely supportive.  She finally got sick of eating all the skittles and started putting them in her pocket.  The most important part of the game was to get to know your daughter better, and for the daughters to get to know the moms better.  Not eating the candy.  When they pulled out the muffins I just stayed in my seat and continued the conversation that I was having with another Mom.  As I thought about that experience last night I realized that the night wasn't about the muffins(of course), the night was about me spending time with my daughter.  The food didn't enhance or take away from that experience.  What was most important was that the focus was on Hannah.  I also realized, again, that I have complete control over my life & sugar, mainly candy.  This stuff doesn't have to control my actions or my behavior. 

On this 3rd and glorious day into my journey, I am feeling HUNGRY!!!!  And when I get hungry I get irritable and mean.  I am quick to snap at my kids for absolutely nothing, like trying to talk to me.  Heaven forbid they have a conversation with me.  So I had to do something about it.  So I ate a slice of my home made whole wheat bread with peanut butter and jam on it. I don't regret doing it either.  My brain and body needed SOMETHING.  So instead of ripping my kids heads off, I chose to eat something other then a smoothy.  I hope you don't judge me to harshly.  I haven't stopped the smoothies at all.  In fact here's what went into my smoothy this morning:

Frozen Banana, english cucumber, grapefruit, pineapple, 

and red cabbage.

It all looks so beautiful, right?

This is what it looked like all blended up.

Bright and Purple.  

I could really taste the cucumber, it was very refreshing.

I can't wait for my pears to ripen a little more so I can do one with cucumber, pears, kale, pineapple, lime and a frozen banana.  Frozen bananas are my saving grace.  Those suckers make any smoothy creamy without dairy.  They're awesome!!  

My sister asked me if I'd lost any weight yet.  I told her I don't step on the scale.  And, it's only been 2.5 days.  How much weight can I count on losing?  But I know that what I am doing is awesome and is helping my body to heal and reset itself from the inside.  

Day Two: Asking for help daily

Today I have enjoyed each smoothly that has passed my lips.  Each has been bright, beautiful and energizing.  The only thing I am suffering from now, is  light headedness.  My body is so use to getting sugar every day, and often that it's probably going through some trauma. It's trying to tell me to just put a little bit in your mouth, it's no big deal.  But it is. I had another triumph at the store today.  I didn't go down the seasonal isle, avoiding, once again, the valentine candy.  I didn't even glance over at the bulk candy, which in the past has also been favorite territory.  As I make these small confessions, I realize that I really do have an addiction to sugar, candy mostly.  It's nice to be on the path to being in control of sugar, not sugar in control of me.

Probably the one thing that surprises me the most, is that I'm not hungry.  I thought I would be starving before each smoothy.  But I'm not.  Kinda crazy.  It's also a good feeling.

I read a wonderful article in the Ensign over the weekend.  The article talked about asking for help on a daily basis, not a weekly, monthly or yearly.  

"This is a way for us to focus on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem.  To deal with something big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites.  Sometimes all we can handle is one day - or even just part of one day - at a time. "    It further states " Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or over-coming bad habits or addictions often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until we achieve victory.  But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day."

I thought that statement was so appropriate for what I am going through right now.  I am trying to kick several bad habits and addictions.  I have to tackle each day, each trip to the store and sometimes each moment and ask for the strength that I need to say no, to just keep walking, or to clear my mind.   I learned in church this past Sunday that it takes about 2 years to recover from an addiction.  That is certainly a long time.  But it gives me hope that I can change my brain, my cravings and most importantly, my behavior.  I can allow myself time to heal and change into a new person.  What a blessing and a relief. 

I am grateful that I've learned so much about prayer over the past few years.  I am grateful to allow myself to be guided by the spirit to ask the right questions.  For so long I was asking the wrong questions and getting angry for not getting an answer.  Instead of asking to lose weight, I now ask for the help I need to love vegetables.  I ask for help to continue to understand the importance of our bodies and how to treat them.  I ask to understand more the Word of Wisdom.  Even though answers aren't flooding into my brain, answers are coming.  And they come when I need them the most.  I understand that I have to seek out the answers as well.  Study and ponder.  It's a beautiful journey, and I'm grateful to be on it.