A few surprises.

I haven't been neglecting this blog on purpose. Which, in the past I have been guilty of. The computer went down and Brent had to walk me through the steps to get it going again this morning.

Even though it's only been what? Two days? I have had a lot happen. First off, I stepped on the scale again yesterday morning. I didn't want to again, but knew it was my duty. I need to keep myself in check. When I stepped on I had to step off and back on again. I was completely and utterly surprised by the number. I was down 4lbs from last week. Which means I have lost a total of 22lbs. I was so excited. But the excitement didn't last very long. See, I have this self confidence problem. I look in the mirror and all I see are my imperfections. I still see a fat person looking back at me. I still see chubby relief society arms. I still see a front butt and shelf butt. I can't see past those things. I mentioned this to Melissa this morning. 22lbs should be a big deal, but has it really made that much of a difference? She turned and grabbed a 25lb weight. She handed it to me and said, " Did you not watch the biggest loser on Tuesday? Feel that, that is how much weight you've lost. You are doing it!" Well, tears welled up in my eyes. My emotions flooded to the surface. Even though I might not look like I want to look right now, my body is changing. The choices that I am making, are making a difference. Because, you know, 25lbs does weigh a lot. That is how much weight my body has shed. That is how much weight I am no longer carrying around. 22lbs, is a lot, and I need to accept that as a huge success. Once again I need to start focusing on the positive instead of the negative. There is so much more positive in my life then negative. I am fighting my negative thoughts. I'm finding that is one of my biggest battles.

When I called Brent to tell him that I had lost another two pounds it really surprised him. He thought that I had given up. I did have a few, 3 to be exact, bad weeks. I'm glad I surprised him. Not only did I surprise him, but I surprised myself.

Mom, how much do you weigh?

This evening while brushing their teeth my children hopped on the scale. They were thrilled to share with each other how much they weighed. "Mom, I weigh 54lbs, how much do you weigh?" My response, for this evening since I am one grouchy mama, was, " too much. I don't want to talk about poundage right now."
I am happy to confess that I am back on the exercise wagon. I worked out twice yesterday and twice again today. I am trying to not let obstacles get in my way of exercising. So I work out around my children. I push Grace in the stroller when I go running and sometimes all my kids come with me. Yesterday ended in a few melt downs due to their inability to keep up with me. Thank goodness Hannah slowed down to walk with Isabel. I don't think they will be coming with me again. Working out is important to me, so I make an effort to fit it into my day.
Now if I could just take that same attitude and apply it to my eating. I am trying harder. I did buy some veggies today. I know how important it is to have those in my diet everyday. But that is another thing. Eating healthy can be expensive. That is where being frugal takes a front seat. I only buy produce that is on sale and try to come up with a menu accordingly. It's a challenge. But one that I welcome.

breakfast:
bacon and eggs on toast

snack:
none

lunch:
ham sandwich
trail mix

snack:
protein bar

dinner:
chicken and broccoli

My good? Eats.

In an attempt to keep myself on track I will be documenting everything I eat. It has to be this way. Sorry to bore you with such trivial things. But I hope this will help me to stay focused.

breakfast:
cottage cheese and manderine oranges.

lunch:
2 shredded beef tacos in corn tortillas.
no cheese, no sour cream, just salsa

snack:
1 protein bar
8 oz water

dinner:
shredded beef
1/2 cup strawberries

snack:
1/2 portion of child scoop of BYU creamery ice cream
gave the rest to Jaren.


Really not that great of a day. Not once did I put a veggie in my mouth. Yikes, that's bad. Maybe that's due to me not having any in my fridge or freezer. I guess i should go and get some tomorrow. Veggies are so important.

Title Change

I decided to change the title of my blog to My Fight to be Fit. My emphasis has changed. I am now fighting for my health. Fighting to overcome my addiction to food. Fighting my negative thoughts. Fighting to become the person that I long to be. This weight loss battle is no cake walk. Everyday I am faced with challenges and choices. And every day I have to fight to make the right choice. I have to fight my bad habits. Fight those inner urges to just do it, it's only one time. But those one times add up and I begin to fail. I didn't set out on this journey to fail. I set out on the journey to succeed. And succeed I will. And I will have to FIGHT for my success.
At this point in my journey I am on a mental battle field. I am mentally fighting myself. Telling myself that this battle is worth it. That what I am doing is going to make a difference. I will always have back pain, so what am I going to do the next time my back pain flairs up? Like it did this past weekend. When I don't feel good I turn to food to comfort me. I think I always knew this, but set it aside because I didn't want to own up to that truth. Ever since I was in Elementary and Junior High school I turned to food to comfort me. My Mom was a very busy person, working 3 jobs, trying to help support our family. When I came home from school, there was no one there to talk to about my day. So I turned to food. I drowned my feelings in the way food may me feel. I still to this day, do that. Which is something else that I am going to have to battle. I'm tired of turning to food for comfort. There has to be a better way. Finding another outlet is hard though. I want to turn to my husband, but a lot of the time he wants to fix my problem, when all I want him to do is just to listen. Maybe that's my starting point. Before turning to Brent, warn him that all I want him to do is to listen. Another outlet that I haven't used to it's full potential is prayer. Ultimately, the only person that can truly help me is my Heavenly Father. Turning to Him for help, guidance, and understanding. He can help me fight this good fight. He can help me overcome my addiction to food, He can help me make the right choices, He can help me win this weight loss battle.

Stress is a killer

Today marks another day alone with my children. You think that wouldn't stress me out so much. It's my children, I'm their mother. But I tell you what, night time is hard. After dealing with after school stuff, shuffling between two dress rehearsals, dinner, missing a softball game, missing my husband, I caved. It was just too much and I got myself a small bowl of ice cream and one of the cookies I made for the final dress rehearsal for tomorrow. I don't know if I was just looking for an excuse. Anyway it's done. I feel guilty. I wont be doing that again. What I should have done was come to the computer. Thursdays are also the day that I begin to feel the need for my free day. Friday and Saturday are a struggle to get through. Those days are REALLY hard.

I was having a conversation with Melissa today. Her sister has lost a ton of weight since January. She told Melissa that you have to be a little crazy to lose weight. Mentally, a little crazy. Obviously I am not at that point or else I wouldn't have indulged in the ice cream.

I can be better tomorrow. I will make smarter decisions.

breakfast:
fritata
2 slices of whole wheat bread one with jam

snack:
cottage cheese and mandarine oranges

lunch:
shredded beef
trail mix(yikes, this was the start of my down turn)

snack:
protein bar, several chips with salsa(ughh, another wrong choice)

dinner:
the last of the shredded beef
1/2 apple with peanut butter.


gosh, today was awful. I want my husband home. I want my motivation back. Help me, I'm slipping and need to find my footing.

That's not so bad

Today is Wednesday. The day that I usually step on the scale to check my progress. This is the day that I have been dreading since Spring Break. I knew it had to be done, it was inevitable. Better be today rather then a later date. That way I can see where I'm really at. Believe me, I was scared to step on. I was scared to see what those red numbers would blink up at me. All in all, I had only gained 2lbs. I don't think that's bad. It was way worse over my birthday when I gained 5lbs. I will take the 2lbs, do my best to lose them and keep moving forward. I was afraid it was going to be some atrocious number like 10. Gag, that would have been awful. But it wasn't, and the 2 extra pounds I can deal with. Totally.

Again last night on the Biggest Loser Bob had some of the people make a video diary of what they ate. They thought they were doing awesome. But in reality, they were pretty much starving their bodies. Melissa told me this time and time again. You have to feed your body with energy and protein. Especially when you are exercising a ton. Which I'm not doing right now and is actually quite hard when the husband is gone. I am still looking for that perfect balance for me. Like this morning, I was craving a carb. And I knew that eating just protein and a fruit(yes, I know fruit is a carb) just wasn't going to cut it for me. So I indulged in some oatmeal. I also know that it's better to have the carb in the morning rather then in the evening. I think that is a much smarter choice then fighting the urge and then blowing it on something really bad like a brownie or cookie. I hope this is the right thinking process.

breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal with 2 tsp brown sugar, 6 pecan, and lemon zest!!!
Delicous!!!

lunch:
turkey on whole wheat

snack:
vanilla and strawberry protein shake made with water

dinner:
salad of black bean, mango, avacado and lettuce.
serving of my yummy shredded beef.

nibble of Isabel's apple and pb.

My feelings exactly

While watching the Biggest Loser this evening I feel just like Kristen. If I said out loud or confess that I want to be 150lbs and not just 160lbs, as my ultimate goal, that the rug will be pulled from under my feet and I will completely and utterly fail. I have a fear complex right now, can you tell? And sometimes, like Kristen, I don't feel as if I deserve to be 150lbs. But where does that mentality come from? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's my years and years of low self-esteem, and self- worth. I do deserve to be the person that I want to be. And it's not just about the weight. It's about the whole lifestyle change. I know that weight a certain weight will change my life forever. Because I will forever be lighter on my feet. I will forever have more energy. I will forever know that I worked my shelf butt off to get to that weight.

I have had another great eating day. The only thing that I regret was eating a fiber one bar. I think there could have been far worse choices. Yes, there could have been better ones. But I needed something for energy. An apple just wasn't going to cut it.

And thanks to some very flattering comments from my Aunt Gaye, I have found some glimmer of hope. I hadn't seen her in several weeks and stopped by her office to say hello. The first thing she told me was how thin my face was getting, and "look at you!! you look great!!" So thank you so much Aunt Gaye. Your words have given me the momentum that I have been searching for. That my two weeks of yuckiness hasn't effected me too much.

I know that it's going to be more hard work. But I am ready for it. Now I just need to get back into the exercise gig. I am going to have to force myself to jog with Grace in the stroller. Not too excited about that, but what else am I going to do? I have to get jogging again. I HAVE to!!!

breakfast:
chocolate protein shake with 1 tbl peanut butter and 1/2 banana
can you say delicious?

snack:
cottage cheese
manderine oranges

lunch:
amazing shredded beef
salad
1 apple with 1 tbl peanut butter

snack:
fiber one bar

dinner:
more shredded beef
another salad
and 1/2 apple

Packing on the LB's

Jessica here. Amberlyn inspires me. She works diligently to eat wisely and exercise faithfully. She is changing her life and I feel mine changing because of her example. Since I stopped pumping I have had to figure out how to maintain this new weight of mine. The first month I maintained my weight but after two weeks of visitors I stepped on the scale and was sad to discover that I had gained 3-4 lbs. Yuck. I like my weight and I like the ways my clothes fit so I am determined to figure out how to maintain.

I am a sugar addict. I blame sugar for my weight gain. So, it seems simple enough that if I eliminate sugar and eat wisely then I'll maintain. Pursuant to my sister's example, I am going to avoid sugar six days a week and have one indulgant day. I am two days into the no sugar, no treats week and phenomenally, it has been easy. I am surrounded by treats at work but I haven't been tempted. I have been snacking on grapes and melon and have been super satisfied.

Amberlyn, I commit to changing my life as you change yours. Thanks for the inspiration.

Petrified

I am petrified of so many different things right now. The first and probably the thing that petrifies me the most right now, is failure. Failure to reach my ultimate goal. Failure to completely change my eating habits. Failure of being the person that I truly want to be. Friday started out great. And the greatness ended Friday night and my terrible habits reared their ugly heads through the entire weekend. Luckily, I got the stomach flu. The thought of food was revolting to me. So I ate what sounded good and most of the time it wasn't the best of food choices. See, this is my fear of failure. I feel like I am never going to get back on the weight loss trail. I feel as if these past two weeks have catapulted me into a place where I can never climb out of. I am petrified of the scale, I am petrified of continually making the wrong choices, I am petrified that I will never truly change. I am petrified that I will never make it back to the path that has brought me some success and happiness.
I know that my actions were wrong. I do know that I should not dwell on them. I should just shrug my shoulders, learn from my mistake and move forward. I have fallen into this patter before. I've felt like this before and I eat my way through it and find that I am the same weight when I started.
This time is different. The feelings and thoughts that I am experiencing are the same. But I feel like I have changed just enough to not let these setbacks keep be down for good. We all experience setbacks right? In almost everything in life. I refuse to let these 2 weeks get in the way of 3 months of hard work. I still have quite a bit more to lose. And I am not going to give up. Yes, I am down in the dumps right now. But the only way to get out of the dumps is to do something about it. So I'm going to. And it's a good thing that it's Monday because I do the starting over thing the best on Mondays.
I will begin to document my eating again, as I mentioned in my last post. I truly feel as if this will help me to stay on track and monitor what I put in my pie hole. I've already exercised this morning. i did what I could with the time that I had. As long as I am moving forward and trying my hardest to get myself back, that's all I can ask of myself. I can be better then I was yesterday. That wont be hard at all.

As I thought more about why I am so petrified something dawned on me. Just before I left for D.C. I really felt like I had hit a place in my path where my body finally realized that what I am doing is for real. That I am serious and that it's finally okay to let the poundage disappear. After these two weeks it almost feels like I am at ground zero again. Like I am starting all over, from scratch. It just doesn't seem fair. I know, I have to suffer the consequence of my decisions and actions. And I don't really feel like it was a two full weeks that threw me off. Just the last few days in D.C. and the days that my kids had spring break. So really just over a week. How can one bad week catapult me into a spin dive where all I can see is me crashing and burning. Another thing that has been thrown around in my mind, is the way that I look. I feel that the 20lbs that I have lost hasn't done a darn thing to me. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to fit into my clothes when I wake up in the morning. Honestly, I'm surprised when they still fit. Shameless, I know. I guess these are all good cues that I'm not ready to give up. That I am still ready to fight to be fit. I am not done with this battle.

breakfast:
2 eggs
1/4 cup grapes
glass of water

snack
vanilla and strawberry protein shake

lunch:
1/2 sweet chicken chili salad (no chips or tortilla)

snack:
none

dinner:
the other 1/2 of my salad
1/2 apple with 2 tsp of peanut butter(had to curb my sweet tooth with something)


Not too bad for my new day back. Pretty darn good actually. It's been tough this evening not eating anything after dinner. But I know it works and I'm sticking to it.

Coming Home is Hard

I'm back. I did pretty good on my vacation. But I could have made so many better choices. I have many regrets. The last few days back I have been feeding my frustration. Which is not the answer what so ever. My body aches from walking a gazillion, billion miles while in D.C. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt as well as my emotions. I gained all my weight in my gut. I am affraid of the scale. I feel myself slipping back into my terrible habits which caused me to gain and gain weight. So why am I allowing this failure to happen? I hate feeling like this. I hate how my body feels, I hate the cravings that roar at me like a lion. I hate that I don't have the will power to just say no. I hate that I am succombing to my appetite. I have to ask myself, does the food taste good enough to treat myself like this? NO!!! So what am I going to do about it? I want to start tomorrow. But I have this mental block where I have to start on a MONDAY. Why is that? Why couldn't I start on Wednesday or tomorrow, Friday? I don't want to feel like this any longer. So I'm not going to. I am going to start tomorrow. I am going to start documenting what I eat again. Throwing it out into the blogging world and start taking responsibility for my actions again. Start owning up to my behavior so I can get back on track again. I am so affraid of not being able to fit into the clothes that I worked so hard to fit into. I am affraid of the muffin top, front butt, and shelf butt. Yes, I have made some really BAD choices these past few days. But it's not to late to stop and take an about face. I want to lose more weight and I know that I am going to have to keep working harder and harder to achieve my goals.

I have to say that I am disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger then this. I thought I had the whole eating well and making good choices down. I am human. I am an addict. And I have to work hard every damn day to make sure that I don't fall back into my old slothful self.

I think another part of my problem is that I haven't exercised since coming back. My body aches so bad that I just want to stay in bed. But I know the nutrition thing will just fall into place once I get my working out gig back in place. They just go hand in hand.

After all, Tomorrow is Another Day!!!

Next Big Challenge

In just a few days I will be taking a trip to VA. This trip is going to be my next big Challenge. Am I truly ready to battle for my weight? Am I ready to stay true to myself, to say no, to stay on the path to keep my journey going at full speed? I decided that before I leave I have to think of situations that I might possibly be in and decide now what I am going to do. I have to be strong now, decide now so when those hard choices come I will know exactly what it is that I am going to do. I know that I need to be armed with good snacks. Always have an apple, bag of carrots or a protein bar with me. I need to study the menu at a restaurant to make a good healthy choice. I want to enjoy myself while on vacay, but I don't want to sabotage my hard work either. Again, it's all about balance, everything in moderation.

This vacation is the triggor that got me on the path to weight loss. When I opened my gift, my flight plans one thought popped into my mind, "I need to lose 40lbs." Well, I haven't lost 40lbs, but I have lost 20. I have been doing this for 10 weeks now which means I've been losing weight at a rate of 2lbs a week. That is exactly what I wanted. Big pat on the back for me. And I do feel great. If I can stick to this journey for 10 weeks, I can stick to it for another 10-20 more weeks.

Yesterday I tried on more capris. Ones that have been sitting in my closet for a good 3 years. I was able to fit into all of them. How stinking exciting is that? So stinking exciting. But it's not good enough either. Right now, this weight, is the lightest I've been since living in Spanish Fork. But I'm not done. This weight is not good enough for me. I know I can lose more, I know that I am better then this. And I know that I deserve to treat myself better then I have been. I want to be here for the adventure of life. I want to be able to do activities with my children and keep up with them, not be on the sidelines just watching. Life was not intended to be watched, but to be lived. I am ready to live my life instead of watching it pass me by.

Busy Bee

I have been so busy this past week that I am finding it hard to fit in my workouts. Not only that but some of my desire is dwindling. Not a lot, but a little. I think I'm just irritated and a little stressed out. When I get like that I want to curl up with a bowl of ice cream and watch Pride and Prejudice. But that is a no go. I have to push forward and force myself to work out. Like I did this morning. I know that when I am finally done working out I feel so much better about myself and stronger for resisting the urge to veg. This is just another example of a bad habit that I have to break. It's so easy to just throw your arms in the air and exclaim, "it's too hard!". And this is not just about losing weight, this is about life.

I did work out with Melissa this morning. I didnt' do anything yesterday because I worked my butt off. Which is no excuse and I should have worked out no matter how sore my legs are hurting. Oh well, better done next time.