Petrified

I am petrified of so many different things right now. The first and probably the thing that petrifies me the most right now, is failure. Failure to reach my ultimate goal. Failure to completely change my eating habits. Failure of being the person that I truly want to be. Friday started out great. And the greatness ended Friday night and my terrible habits reared their ugly heads through the entire weekend. Luckily, I got the stomach flu. The thought of food was revolting to me. So I ate what sounded good and most of the time it wasn't the best of food choices. See, this is my fear of failure. I feel like I am never going to get back on the weight loss trail. I feel as if these past two weeks have catapulted me into a place where I can never climb out of. I am petrified of the scale, I am petrified of continually making the wrong choices, I am petrified that I will never truly change. I am petrified that I will never make it back to the path that has brought me some success and happiness.
I know that my actions were wrong. I do know that I should not dwell on them. I should just shrug my shoulders, learn from my mistake and move forward. I have fallen into this patter before. I've felt like this before and I eat my way through it and find that I am the same weight when I started.
This time is different. The feelings and thoughts that I am experiencing are the same. But I feel like I have changed just enough to not let these setbacks keep be down for good. We all experience setbacks right? In almost everything in life. I refuse to let these 2 weeks get in the way of 3 months of hard work. I still have quite a bit more to lose. And I am not going to give up. Yes, I am down in the dumps right now. But the only way to get out of the dumps is to do something about it. So I'm going to. And it's a good thing that it's Monday because I do the starting over thing the best on Mondays.
I will begin to document my eating again, as I mentioned in my last post. I truly feel as if this will help me to stay on track and monitor what I put in my pie hole. I've already exercised this morning. i did what I could with the time that I had. As long as I am moving forward and trying my hardest to get myself back, that's all I can ask of myself. I can be better then I was yesterday. That wont be hard at all.

As I thought more about why I am so petrified something dawned on me. Just before I left for D.C. I really felt like I had hit a place in my path where my body finally realized that what I am doing is for real. That I am serious and that it's finally okay to let the poundage disappear. After these two weeks it almost feels like I am at ground zero again. Like I am starting all over, from scratch. It just doesn't seem fair. I know, I have to suffer the consequence of my decisions and actions. And I don't really feel like it was a two full weeks that threw me off. Just the last few days in D.C. and the days that my kids had spring break. So really just over a week. How can one bad week catapult me into a spin dive where all I can see is me crashing and burning. Another thing that has been thrown around in my mind, is the way that I look. I feel that the 20lbs that I have lost hasn't done a darn thing to me. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to fit into my clothes when I wake up in the morning. Honestly, I'm surprised when they still fit. Shameless, I know. I guess these are all good cues that I'm not ready to give up. That I am still ready to fight to be fit. I am not done with this battle.

breakfast:
2 eggs
1/4 cup grapes
glass of water

snack
vanilla and strawberry protein shake

lunch:
1/2 sweet chicken chili salad (no chips or tortilla)

snack:
none

dinner:
the other 1/2 of my salad
1/2 apple with 2 tsp of peanut butter(had to curb my sweet tooth with something)


Not too bad for my new day back. Pretty darn good actually. It's been tough this evening not eating anything after dinner. But I know it works and I'm sticking to it.