The Frist 5k

This past Saturday I ran my first of 5, 5k's. If you remember I made a goal to run a 5k every month for the next 5 months. I almost didn't run it, but the fear of failure ran so strong through my veins that I disregarded everything else and got myself to the race. Julie Olson gave me her spot, thanks a million!! And Liz Reynolds ran the race with me. It was so great to see her and to have someone who runs at my pace and who is willing to walk with me. Yes, I did end up walking. But I knew that I would. I haven't been training at all. In fact I hadn't ran in over 2 weeks. And boy did I feel it. Not even a mile into the race I must have pulled something in my hip. I sound so geriatric right now. I also knew that this race would be a great starting point. I have so much to improve upon.

I am still in my fight to be fit. The past 5 weeks have been the toughest yet. Even though I am the lightest I have been in over 4 yrs I still have so much more improvement. I feel like I am sounding like a broken record. But I am not done losing weight. At the same time I am fighting feelings of failure and contentment. I am not content with where I am right now. I wonder how in the world people go for months and months and months and still manage to lose weight. Yes, it comes down to a lifestyle change. Again, the broken record. This diet gig is not a means to an end. Although I think that is where I am failing. This isn't a means to an end. This is a lifestyle change. Why can't I get it through my habit filled head that I need to make permanent changes if I am going to truly change my life.

I have renewed vigor today. Even though it was a holiday I think I did pretty darn good. Dinner was rough going for me. But I did pass on the bun for my burger and had only one serving of my awesome pasta salad. I did indulge in a brownie and a few bites of ice cream. Gosh dang it. Where is the will power? As I write these thoughts down feelings of disgust and discouragement creep into my mind. Disgust with the weak person that I am and discourages that I will never reach my goal.

One of the reasons for me blogging again is to get me back on track. To keep my feelings and emotions in check. To keep a food log and all that I put into my mouth in check.

I can't get over the fact that this is a fight. A fight for my life. A fight for happiness. A fight to be the person that I know is hiding inside of me. A fight to find the power that is laying dorment inside of me. A little bit of it surfaced in the beginning of this year. How do I get that power back? How do I get the drive, the determination back into my life? I am so not done with my journey.

Do I want to lose weight more then anything else in my life right now? Maybe that's the problem. There are other things that are weighing heavy on my mind that are preventing me from keeping my focus. Is it possible to battle more then one demon in your life at a time? My battle with my weight is something that I have more control over, the other, not so much. There in lies my answer then right? I do have more control over myself, my struggle. Because it's my struggle, not my husbands, or my children's, it's mine, and mine alone. So even though I might not be able to battle both of these problems at once, I will focus on the one thing that I do have control over, and that's me.

I do want this more then anything. I will prove it to myself that I still have the power. This computer will be the closest thing to me in the coming month. It's vital that I write how I'm feeling rather then turning to old habits.

breakfast:
oatmeal
3 slices bacon

snack:
chocolate, pb, banana protien shake

lunch:
3/4 of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread
1 slice of an apple
diet coke

snack:
protien bar

dinner:
hamberger patty
1 cup pasta salad
1/2 pork and beans
brownie and few spoonfuls of ice cream


to help keep myself in check I am going to stick to one thing for breakfast and one thing for lunch. this week it's going to be oatmeal for breakfast and turkey and bell pepper sandwiches for lunch. dinner is up in the air.

I am also going to let go of diet coke. This past week I did awesome. I had one diet coke with lunch, some today and a few diet root beers on Saturday. Okay, it was more then just a few. But the week went really well. I know that I can do it without the diet coke. I usually never lose weight when I give up on the diet coke. But I know that it is the healthier choice for me and will help with my running goals.

I am going to keep track of my calories in and calories out. I have to stay ontop of myself for me to be a success. Hence this novel that I am attempting to write right now.