It's about the Climb

This morning as I drove my son to early morning seminary, the thermometer in my car read -1.  Holy Crap, that's cold.  Cold does nothing good for muscles that are sore sore sore.  I knew my work out with Melissa was going to cause me severe pain, and I was right.  I can bare walk up and down the stairs, sit down to go potty and bend over to pick things up off the ground.  Now, that is super sore.  But as I sit here, feeling my fat bulge out of my pants, Monday can't come soon enough for me.  I will once again try to change my life for the gazillionth time. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't keep looking backwards.  I can't focus on my bad choices, or how much I want to look 20lbs ago.  What I did to get there was not healthy.  What I am going to do now is healthy and the change will be permanent.  And most importantly, I will love myself through the process instead of loathing myself.

I want change to come so badly.  I need to remember to be patient.  To be kind and gentle with myself.  To remember that this journey is about the process and not the end result. 

Over the years I've had a few theme songs that have spoken to my soul.  The year that I ran the Speedy Spaniard 10k I was in love with Miley Cyrus's The Climb.  I was driving down the road when it came on and I was in a mood where I listened to the lyrics and I began to cry.  Realizing that it's not about what's on the other side, it's about the climb.  About how hard the climb is, what you have to go through to make it up the climb, and how rewarding the climb can be.  Right now I'm standing at the bottom of my climb, with my hands on my hips evaluating my mountain.  Taking a few deep breaths, getting ready to take those first few steps.  I know what that's like, and I'm feeling those same feelings.  Like, "What the hell was I thinking when I agreed to go on this climb?"  But I let courage take over and begin to put one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, it's begun and there's no turning back.  I know that in my future is pain, soreness, and doubt.  But at the same time there will be reflection, gratitude for the body that is taking me up this climb, tears of joy and tears of fear. 

Right now my climb seems more daunting then it ever has before.  I look at my reflection and am so ashamed that I let myself get as heavy as I have.  There is no baby to reward this weight gain.  No hope of losing the baby fat.  This is just plain, good old, over eating, enjoying life a bit too much FAT!!  AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!  Ahhh, there's the desire.  There's my motivation. 

Bring on my Mountain.  I'm beginning my climb with the first step, and that first step is simply to start.  I may slip.  I may stumble.  I might even fall on my butt.  But like any fall, I need to remember to get back up, dust myself off and start putting one foot in front of the other.  I need to stop making this process so complicated, and just remember it's just as simple as putting one foot in front of the other. 

Yay for January!  Yay for reflection and the desire to begin a new.  Yay for putting one foot in front of the other.  I am stronger then I tell myself.  I have the power to change my life.