It's Hard

I can't believe that it's been a week since I last checked in.  I've been busy with family and showers and dinners.  I wish I could say that I've been stellar with my life, but in fact I have not.  I haven't gone completely hog wild either.

This change is harder then I first expected.  I haven't signed my commitment yet.  Melissa asked me about it the other day and she asked me this,"Is it because you are still drinking diet coke?" Ashamed, I dropped my head and said Yes. I think I am making a bigger deal out of the soda then I need to.  I've quit it before, and yes it was hard.  Maybe that simple knowledge is what's preventing me from taking that leap.  Another reason is that I don't feel a huge change when I go off of it.  I know it's poisoning me somehow, but I just can't see the difference.

Over this weekend I saw a lot of my Aunt Mel.  She's lost about 70lbs doing a pre-packed program that costs almost $400 a month.  Not something that I can afford, by any stretch of the imagination.  The logic behind the program is high protein, vegetables and salads.  But it's the type of protein that  is key.  I wont bore you with the details.  She also said that you shouldn't exercise.  Exercise puts some kind of block on weight loss.  Both my Aunts could see that I had a mental block with that.  I love to exercise.  I love how it makes me feel physically, mentally and emotionally.  But I wonder if there is some truth to what she is saying. 

Even though I don't want to give up on the exercise.  I think I might give it a shot.  Focus on my nutrition and add exercise back in once I start losing the weight.  Exercising is key to maintaining, I know that is a fact.  I will give it 3 months.  If I don't see any difference in weight loss then I'm going back to exercising. 

Besides, I need to focus all my energies on nutrition anyway.  Nutrition is key, 80% of weight loss. 

Fear is still running my life.  I fear the pain that I am going to have to endure to rip myself from my old habits.  And it's frightening to me.  But how many times do I have to tell myself that my old lifestyle hasn't gotten me anywhere. 

I don't need a diet plan, I need a counselor to help me through my week to week struggles. 

My fear is still holding me back.  I thought my desire was stronger, but who am I kidding.  Every morning I wake up telling myself that today is going to be different.  Today I am going to punch fear in the face and lead the life I always wanted to.  And then I find myself stumbling over grains of sand.  It's dis-heartening really.  I look at myself and wonder how weak of a person I truly am.  I can't even commit to giving myself a healthier life. 

I look at the weeks that have already slipped through my fingers and want to give up.  But nothing worth fighting for is easy.  If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. 

I don't want to give up.  So I'm not.  I don't even really think my climb has begun.  I'm just walking around in circles at the base of my Mountain, with my head hung low, and my hands in my pockets afraid of what lies ahead.  Kicking the dirt in front of me asking myself ,"Is this really worth it?  Is this really what you want to do with your life?" 

Damn it, it is.

Facing our fears is one of the hardest things we have to do in this life.  But my life isn't going to change unless I punch my fears in the face.  And punch it I must, and probably several times.