Worst part of my day

The worst part of my day is getting into the shower.  The reason that's the worst part of my day is because I have a big ass mirror in my bathroom that I can't avoid looking at while completely naked.  Dude, it's tough.  Staring back at me are all my imperfections.  All the things that have changed for the worst after having 6 kids(2 c-sections and twins), gaining and losing weight several times over, and sagging that I guess just happens when you stop using or working out certain parts of your body. Disgust is a word that comes to mind.  And one that I need to shove into the deep dark recess of my mind.  Cuz, dude, my body is awesome.  It's healthy.  It capable of kneeling at my bed to say my prayers, I have eyes that I can read the scriptures to myself, to look at my husband and children and see how wonderful they are.  I have legs that can take me up and down the stairs, for a walk, for a hike, for a bike ride, that burn when I work them hard.  I have the capacity to come up with recipes form the scraps of food that are left in my fridge and pantry and find a way to feed my family.  I need to stop focusing on all that is wrong with my body, and realize that I still have my health.  My body might not look like I want it to(according to the world).  But it is still a blessing to me. 

I've been blessed with Olive skin.  Up until now I didn't realize how blessed I really was.  I use to have hardly any cellulite on my butt or upper thighs.  Thanks to age, and being more over weight then I ever have in my entire life I get to say hello to it every time I get into the shower.  It says hello, when all I want to say is good-bye!  Again, I need to stop dwelling on all that has changed.  I still have beautiful olive skin.  At least that wont ever change.

Today I worked out with Melissa.  I was so dreading it too.  So much so that I almost called to tell her that I wasn't coming.  I was letting fear get in the way of my success.  Fear of what I was going to have to face because of my poor choices over the last two weeks.  Fear of the pain that I was going to have to endure.  And most of all, the fight I was going to have to have with my mind.  Well, I made it through 72 lunges, PER LEG!!  I wanted to die, several times I came close to tears.  But I know it's for the best. I proved to myself that I am stronger then I previously believed.  My desire to change really is going to help me change my very nature.

Right now, I'm just angry.  I can either choose to let that anger spiral me down into an even deeper gulf.  Or, I can take that anger and turn it back into the desire that was so burning brightly just a few short weeks ago.  Since I don't want to be over weight for the rest of my life, and battle these feelings, I am going to take that anger and turn into something positively motivating. 

Yes, I've made some bad choices.  I always make bad choices, when it comes to food and my feelings.  But not any more. 

While reading in the scriptures this morning I was once again made aware that in life there must be opposition in all things.  Anger vs. Happiness.  Trials vs.  Times of Quiet.  There has to opposition.  I hate opposition, but it's what gets us going. It's what challenges us to see what we're really made of.  I was also enlightened to the fact that we have a choice.  We can choose to succomb to the weaknesses of the flesh and give power to satan to bring us down to misery, like he is miserable.  Or we can choose eternal life, full of happiness and joy.  It's a choice.  For a very long time I was choosing to allow Satan to have a greater hold on me.  I was in a "hidden darkness".  Not really knowing and understanding that that's what I was in.  I was keeping myself from light and truth. The only thing that has brought me out of that is the gospel of Jesus Christ and his atonement.  I am still trying to understand how to use the atonement in my life to help breech the gulf between my dark and light.  The atonement isn't just for the sinner.  Although succumbing to temptations of the flesh is a sin.  Elder Bednar explained that Grace can also be translated to mean the "enabling power" of the Atonement.  The atonement can give us power to enable us to do all things.  Even accomplish a year's worth of commitment and hard work.  What an amazing blessing. 

For me, accessing that power is to spend more time with the Savior.  And how do I do that, by spending time in the scriptures and listening to talks and reading the Ensign.  For the past two days I have recommitted myself to reading the scriptures before my day has begun.  Although my days haven't been perfect, I know He is by my side influencing me to do good.  

I am a Monday person.  I always have to start a new on a Monday.  I am so looking forward to January 7th.  The day when all this talk turns into reality.  When my days and weeks of commitment begin to add up.  When I begin to feel better and better every single day.  When my weeks turn into months and I will see real change.  What an exciting prospect.

I LOVE January.