You can do this, or you can do that

I'm choosing to sit down and write while the pangs of hunger rumble in my tummy.  And really, they aren't the pangs of hunger, it's muscle, nerve, habit, memory that I am trying to change right now.  Instead of being in the kitchen, I am choosing to be here writing about how hard it is to change years and years and years of bad habiting.  Am I hungry?  Maybe a little.  I think it's good to feel a little hunger.  That means you are becoming aware of your body.  My senses are heightened and not dulled. 

I started counting calories again this past Monday.  1500 calories is 1500 calories no matter how you count them or where you get them from.  I was having success doing this in the beginning of the summer so I thought I'd give it another go.  I still struggle with my sweet tooth.  I really wish I had a veggie tooth instead.  I really want to eat the vegetables, they just take so darn long to prepare.  No wonder people are fat.  It's easier to grab for a bag of chips then it is a bag of broccoli.  I was going to say carrots but that wouldn't have been a good comparison cuz grabbing a bag of those is just as easy as a bag of chips.  Just as long as the bag is baby carrots and not like the ones I have which needs to be peeled and cut.  But what ev.

And why is it that it's so much easier to gain weight then it is to lose weight?  That just seems so unfair.  And what's even more unfair is when people notice when you gain weight and your like the big white elephant in the room that no one can talk about.  Ya, that really sucks.  And even more then it sucks, it hurts. 

This was a huge motivation for me to start losing weight.  Even though I don't like to focus on the weight.  I realized at some point I have to face it.  I have to do something about it.  I have to look at the elephant in the eye and tell him to get the hell out.  I have to hard things.  I need to understand that I CAN do hard things.  My "hard thing" is to overcome my stupid dysfunctional relationship with food.  I finally need to take what I've learned this past year and actually start using that knowledge.  Have the faith to know that it will help me to heal, to move forward, and change forever. 

I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!

Just a few thoughts, wish they were better

The sorry horrible truth is that I am jealous of all these people who are accomplishing what I have been trying to do for years and years and years.  Lose weight, be a smaller size, and be a good runner.  I think I'm just having a pity party right now and just need to vent.  What am I going to do with all these feelings of jealousy and envy?  Nothing but get my own butt in gear.  I have no one else to blame for the state that I am in except myself.  Yes, I have made improvements, but none of them physically.  I sure hope the physical part comes soon.  I just don't think it's fair.  I have a hard time reading about others success when I sit here in all my chubby glory.  I guess I have to find solace in the fact that I am just doing it a little slower and when I finally make it to that coveted place it will be permanent.  And not fleeting.  Nothing that I have to keep fighting for.  That thought gives me hope.

I have to remember that my situation is different then everyone else.  I have my own challenges to face and my own mountains to climb.  I am okay with my own struggles.  They are mine and I can deal with them. 

I feel better already.  I am not going to let these disappointing feelings keep me down.  Besides, I have done tons better with my eating.  And that's saying a lot.  Okay, it's only been two days.  But it's starting to come naturally.  Thanks heaven's for that.  I've been eating a lot more salads, veggies, and green smoothies.  Today I added a huge handful of spinach, 1/2 roasted beet(cuz of it's natural sweetness), handful of frozen berries, few spoonfuls of greek yogurt, some agave and ice.  Blended it with a little bit of milk and it was delicious.  No, I'm serious, it really was good.  And the amazing part, it kicked my 3 pm craving and I'm still full from it.  That is another miracle in and of it's self.

Things are getting better.  I was just feeling sorry for my chubby butt.  Is it possible to have a firm chubby butt?

Listening

I was introduced to a book over the weekend that I am super excited about.  I hate the title, but I love the philosophy.  The title of the book is "I can make you thin."  Blah.  But don't judge a book by it's cover, or it's title for that matter.  He talks about 4 golden rules.  He goes into the depth about each of them but to sum it up the golden rules are:  1. Eat when you are hungry, 2. Eat what you want(what your body wants), 3. Enjoy what you are eating(savor it without distraction), and 4. Stop eating when you are full, or when you think your full.  Sounds too simple to be true, right?  Everything about these 4 golden rules sounds right.  When we were babies we were masters at this.  We screamed when we were hungry, we ate exactly what we wanted and if you've ever watched a baby begin to nurse, their eyes roll to the back of their heads.  I think they know how to savor what they eat and they STOP eating when they are full.  This continues on well into their toddler years.  At what point this stops, I'm not sure.  Babies are nurtured, and they listen to what their bodies are telling me.  We, as adults need to remember to do the same.  LISTEN, I mean really listen to what your body is telling you it wants.  I've done this for just a few short days, and I have noticed a shift in how I already think about food.  I am thrilled to be following something that doesn't tell me what I can and can not eat.
There is a lot more to the book.  I will let you know how things progress.  I am really excited about the prospects and outcome from just listening to my body cues.   It's so simple, it might just work.

Through Different Eyes

I had been debating on whether or not to watch the Biggest Loser.  I love that show.  But I always have mixed feelings.  I love being inspired by it especially when I have 1/10th of the weight to lose.  At the same time I also feel disappointed in myself when I can't achieve the same result.  Which I understand is a silly thought. 

Yesterday I felt like being inspired.  And inspired I was.  It came in one moment with a big tall black retired football player and Bob.  In that moment this big burly black man was crumbled in the grass crying.  Bob told him that he was an athlete.  This man disagreed.  Bob then said something very profound.  He said something to this effect:  You need to start looking at yourself the way I see you, as an athlete and strong.  I just started to cry.  I look at myself so much differently then those that love me do.  Especially my Heavenly Father.  I need to start seeing myself as my loving Heavenly Father sees me.  But that is easier said then done.  But to be successful in becoming a runner and a hiker, this is so vital. 

Those that love us see us through different eyes.  Yes, they may see our weaknesses, but we focus on those well enough.  Most of the time those that love us see the good in us and our great potential.  Along with nurturing myself, I need to start seeing the good in myself and the great potential that I have.   I think you could probably spend a lifetime trying to overcome your weakness and seeing the good in ourselves.  But life is a journey a process.  Every little step toward progress is a success and should be celebrated.  Life is about finding joy in those small moments and holding onto them and never forgetting that we are all good.  Heavenly Father doesn't demand perfection.  He just wants us to do our best.  In doing our best we find progress.

Harder then I thought

Not eating any sugar is harder then I thought.  Or maybe I'm just afraid of missing out.  I love candy so much, it's ridiculous.  I bought junior mints yesterday and ate the whole box while watching trash t.v.   Instead of moving forward, I am slipping into some really poor poor habits.  I think it's the whole, "i'm never going to have that again" feeling when I try and attempt to improve my life.  But I am not going to deny myself anything so I need to come up with a better strategy.  That strategy is to prepare myself some really good and really healthy alternatives.  Like home made cliff bars which I'm going to learn how to make today. 

I still made good food yesterday.  For dinner I made butternut squash soup and it was divine and nothing to it.  I am going to use the same technique to make a beet soup. 

I"m conflicted.  I hate having personal conflict.  I want to improve my life but not at the risk of hating myself.  I've done that too much and too often.  I think I'm just being too hard on myself and looking still for perfection.  I keep needing to remind myself that this is about progress.  My desire is there.  And I am doing so much better then I was last week or the week before. 

Progress.  What am I going to do better today?  Focus more on organizing myself.  Organizing meals and snacks and just being prepared.  Stop being so hard on myself.  That is the opposite of nurture.  I want to nurture myself and work with my body and spirit to get to where I so badly want to be.  I'm eating those things because I am fighting with myself.  Do I truly believe that I deserve to treat myself with love, kindness, and respect?  More so today then a year ago.  I still need to work on that.  But I deserve every good thing for my body.  It is a beautiful gift that gives and gives all day long.  I keep telling myself that.  And it's the truth.  I want this gift to keep on giving.  I need to do what I need to do today to make that happen.  Balance, Organization and Moderation.  A few junior mints would have been okay, just not the whole box.

Progress not Perfection

Tuesday was a much better day.  My desire to eat healthy was strong, and it has been for several months.  It's just this bad habit of turning to super easy things to eat and I love the way sugar tastes in my mouth.  I'm beginning to hate what it does to my body.   It's too bad that good things take a minute to cook.  But in the long run I can see some benefit in that as well.  I can take the time to think about what it is that I am making, preparing, and cooking and how good it is for me. I can also think about how grateful I am that I have good food to eat to help my body become what God intended it to be.  This may sound silly.  But I think there is great power behind doing this.  I am going to give it a go.

What did I eat yesterday.  Toast and a peach for breakfast.  Lunch I had left over broccoli soup, beet salad with balsamic vinaigrette, and roasted butternut squash.  I also had a slice of whole wheat bread with pb and j on it for my sweet fix. 

I snacked on a relish tray.  In my desire to eat more grains I attempted to make some super healthy muffins.  I think it was a success.  In 24 muffins there was just 4 TBL of oil, and 1/2 cup brown sugar.  I substituted bananas for the sweet and applesauce for the fat.  I also added bran and whole wheat.  They were hearty and delicious.  If you'd like the recipe you can get it here at A Happy Healthy Heritage.  My good friend Melissa sucked me into doing another blog.  But this one is awesome and I'm super excited to start sharing all my yummy recipes. 

Although my day wasn't perfect.  I am not looking for perfection, I'm looking for progress.  It was a good day.  I got in a jog, was conscious of what I ate and loved everything I made.  I think that is a good day. 

I still have pain from Monday.  But I guess that is good too.  I hope to work on my upper body today to balance out the hurt.

No Pain, No Gain

So, the burning question is how did I do yesterday?  Well, no sacrifice was given.  I did end up throwing away the ice cream in my freezer, but not until after I saved the mint chocolate chip.  I couldn't let my fav. flavor go to waste.  When I left the house yesterday I left super hungry and without eating anything.  Not smart, for anyone to do.  So I ended up eating a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell, and purchasing a York Peppermint Patty from Shopko.  Again, no good.  At dinner I was going to indulge in my roasted butternut squash and beets.  But decided against it since I didn't have a "perfect" day.  Again I just ate what I fixed for dinner which was cheddar broccoli soup, heavy on the broccoli light on the cheddar.  Then it was time for dessert after FHE.  I thought I didn't want it, but I ended up taking a chocolate chip cookie and dolloping a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of it. I guess not ALL the ice cream got thrown away.  I felt no pains of sacrifice yesterday.  As I look at what I ate, no wonder I feel heavy, slow, and zapped of energy.  Things must change if I want to be a runner and a hiker!

I do have some pain today though.  I did follow through with my desire to work out every day rotating between weights and cardio.  Yesterday I did the Biggest Loser work out and I am sore sore sore today.  Painful really.  But it's a good pain.  Can pain be good?  Yes, it can be.  The soreness in my muscles is a testament of my hard work yesterday.  Even though I felt no emotional or spiritual pain yesterday, at least I gained something.  

With sacrifice comes pain.  Pain from growth and sacrifice is  something I do desire.  I know I am on the right path to becoming the person I so much desire to be.  I am grateful to be writing my journey here.  It helps me keep track of all things good and bad.  Monitoring wither or not sacrifice was made and pain felt. 

I know no one desires to feel pain.  But there is some pain which is good and helps us to grow.  I know I will feel pain as I get my sore muscles moving during my planned "run" today.  I hope to build upon that pain by sacrificing crappy foods which make me feel heavy and slow.  No more of that I say.  Bring on the light and energized!!

Sacrifice

Here I am again, on a Monday ready to change my life.  Although the last year has been a journey to change my life in a completely different way.  I feel as though this is just a continuation of that journey.  Now that I am truly grateful for my body and the things that I can do, and experiences that I have, the  next step in the journey is going to just build upon that.  But this next step is going to be hard.  Sacrifices will have to be made.  If a sacrifice doesn't hurt, it's not a good one.  I heard that somewhere, sometime ago.  The sacrifice that I will have to make has to do with food, sugar mostly.  I love to eat my red vines, candy corn, and ice cream.  But in my quest to become a good runner, a faster hiker, these types of food zap all my energy, and keep me feeling heavy.  Feeling heavy is not going to help with my running and my hiking.  I also feel as though sugar has a lot to do with me feeling tired and slow. 

And so it goes, the sacrifice that I knew was inevitable, starts today.  I know it's going to be difficult.  The only thing that I wont give up, not yet at least, it my Coke Zero.  I just can't give that up just quite yet.  I know I will need to.  Slow and steady, not all at once. 

What am I going to do today to help be on my way to being light, fit and healthy?  I'm going to throw away all the ice cream cartons in my freezer, and all the left over candy that is in my pantry.  I'm doing this because I want to.  Not because I have to.  I want a better life.  I want to feel better.  Not only am I doing this for myself, but for my kids.  I want a legacy of good eating, and an active lifestyle passed down to my children.  I am going to have a relish tray ready for my kids to devour when they get home from school.  And that will in turn help me to snack on the good things too.  It's a win/win situation.

I'll let you know how things go.

Gentleman of Inspiration

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted anything.  This summer has gone by way too fast.  Why is it that each year seems to go by faster then the last?  It's just not fair. 

This summer I decided to get back into jogging.  I don't run, I'm far to slow for that.  But jogging, I can do.  I didn't go for about 3 weeks due to Girls Camp and recovery from that.  Yesterday was the first time back on the trail and back to running.  I wanted to push myself but no too much.  As I came around the loop on the trail I run on I was going to stop.  As I was about to pass a few older gentlemen one of them noticed me and remarked, " You look like you go about my pace, may I join you?"  A little surprised I said yes.  Even though I was going to stop and start walking.  I ended up jogging with this older gentlemen almost to the beginning of the trail.  I was stunned that I could have gone that far.  This gentlemen started running when he was 42 years old.  Currently he is 69.  He's run 13 or 15 marathons, including St. George and Boston, and over 200 10 and 5k's.  What an inspiration!  Little did he know that he was encouraging me on that day.  I realized that I can push myself harder then I ever though possible. 

Before my run that day, I was doubting that I would be able run in a 5k in September.  A goal I set for myself at the beginning of the summer.  Watching myself yesterday, it was confirmed to me again that I am stronger then I think I am.  I'm like my kids sometimes.  I would rather do what is easier, rather then stretch and make myself grow and do hard things.  Life is about doing hard things.  Running when your 40lbs overweight is a hard thing to do.  At the same time, very rewarding. 

I am ready to finish off my summer strong, doing hard things that make me grow.

Going through Life with Gratitude

Going through this process of being more fit and more healthy with a sense of Gratitude has made all the difference in my Attitude towards Life.  Before, everything I did was done with begrudgingly.  Always in the back of my mind was the fear of failure and resentment towards that failure.  I hated my body and what it meant to me. 
Now that I understand that my body is a tremendous gift that I have stewardship over, all my activities seem do be done because I want to.  Not because I have to.  My body gives and gives and gives and gives to me all day long.  How do I give back to it?  How do I nurture my own body.  I tend to nurture EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else around me.  The idea of nurturing myself is a foreign idea to me.  But it feels right.  Making these changes in my life are being done so that I can live a better life, not to be skinny. 
I have never before done activities like running, hiking, or even gardening with a sense of gratitude in my heart.  My heart literally fills like it's going to burst with gratitude.  My body is amazing.  I can do so many wonderful things.  Now I just want to eat right so that I can do even more wonderful things, so that I can run faster, hike higher, longer and steeper hills.  Eating candy is not going to give me the effect that I desire. 
I'm sure this is all a review of what I've said the past few weeks.  But it is so powerful to me right now.  
If I could ask anyone who reads this blog to change one thing, that one thing would be to have gratitude for you body.  No matter what shape or size it is.  Your body is amazing, a gift given to you with great love.  Recognize that love, be grateful for it, and nurture your gift. 

3 Meals vs. Every 3 Hours

The debate is on.  Which is a better way to eat during the day?  Just 3 square meals?  Or every 3 hours?  My trainer friend, with pleading hands, begged me to eat every 3 hours.  She is convinced that if I do eat every 3 hours I will start to drop weight.  I've tried that in the past and all I end up doing during the day is thinking about what I'm going to eat next.  When eating 3 meals a day I find that I get famished and tend to make not so good choices.  What does it really matter when I'm counting calories too?  Just as long as I stay with in my allotted amount of calories I should be fine right?

Today I seemed to be SUPER hungry.  I had gotten back from the water park with my kids and I was just hungry.  Something about being in the sun and water that makes one's hunger roar like a lion.  I didn't make very good choices.  But those choices didn't completely derail me either.  I would say that is success?   What's a fat girl to do?   Brush off that twix and move on to better choices.  

I think tomorrow, to prevent my hunger from roaring like a ravenous lion, I'm going to try and eat every 3 hours.  I think another of my problems is that I'm not getting enough protein in my diet.   I know protein keeps me fuller longer and helps me to build muscle.  

Off to make something yummy for dinner.

In addition to...

This is my third week of getting up at 7am to exercise.  It's been so wonderful to get up and get my body moving.  Exercise does so many great things for me mentally, physically and spiritually.  After not exercising for such a long time and feeling like crap I wonder why it is that I ever stopped in the first place.  I now know why.  I was doing the exercise for all the wrong reasons.  I wanted to be skinny.  Now all I want is to have a strong body, inside and out, allowing me to have the energy to keep up with 6 children, my husband and the demands of a busy house hold.  There's a lot to get done in a single day when there are 8 people to take care of.  If I'm sick and run down those task become a strain and almost unmanageable.  Becoming light, fit and healthy is a process, a journey that is going to take probably a lifetime to achieve.

Today we increased our running time from 1 minute to 2 minutes.  So instead of walking 2 minutes and running 1 minute, we swapped and are now running for 2 minutes and walking for just 1.  I have to say it was a challenge.  But I can do hard things.  If I can hike the Y, I can do this.  Towards the end of the run I wondered what I could eat today to help me improve my performance.  I have never thought that way before.  Eating the right foods will help me to run faster, my muscle to perform better and my heart to beat little easier.  I struggle to make goals due to the destructive behavior that I found myself living to reach those goals.  But this goal seem healthy, and one that will help me to progress in my running.  Eating the right foods will also help me become light, fit and healthy.

Starting today I am going to try and eat between 1500- 1600 calories a day.  I am not going to limit any foods, except for junk food i.e., red vines(my favorite), salt water taffy(another favorite), candy bars and the like.  These foods are my downfall.  I need to replace them, like I mentioned before, with oranges and watermelon.  Candy and junk food make me feel heavy, sluggish and burdened.  Burdened with the knowledge that I just ate something that I know is not going to help me feel better or run faster.

This goal is going to be a challenging one.  But I can do hard things.  I can and I will.  As much as I HATE to count calories, I know I need to to help me get back on track and to once again bring to light my eating habits.  It's all good.

I have been feeling out different website to help out with calorie counting.  I decided to go with myfitnesspal.com.  It is easy to navigate and another of my good friends asked me to join with her.  I successfully logged all my calories today and stayed within my 1500 limit.  Yes, success for one day.  And it felt GOOD.  I still need to add more vegetables to my daily intake.  I am aware of this and I will try my darn dist to do so tomorrow.  I have a ton of lettuce staring at me.  I think I just need to make a great salad out of it and eat it with my lunch and dinner.  I have a lot of great viniagrettes that I need to whip up.  Maybe I'll even share a recipe or two.

Hiking the Y

This past week my good friend Rachel asked if I would join her on some hikes.  One of my unattainable goals has been to encorporate hikes into my exercise routine.  Hiking has always been so daunting to me.  And difficult, and a tad scary and truth be told it gives me a bit of anxiety.  I know how difficult it is to hike and in the past I've hated every step of the way.  Until I get to the top and realize what an amazing journey I just took myself on.  In the process not really grateful for my body and the ability it had to take me up the mountain.  I was always focused on what was wrong with my body, never being thin enough or good enough. 

This time was different.  I am in a new place.  I want to go on hikes cuz I know how wonderful they are for me mentally, physically and spiritually.  Both hikes that I went on the whole time I had a sense of gratitude for everything about my body.  My beating heart, sometimes it was racing so fast I needed to take a break to bring it back down again. My lungs, that they could provide me the oxigen I needed.  A lot of the time it felt like I was sucking wind, but at least I could still breath.  My legs that they were strong enough to carry my overweight body up both mountains.  And especially my eyes.  Taking in the breathtaking views of this magnificent world given to us by a loving Heavenly Father.

I have a long way to go before I can once again "attack" the mountain.  I realized that I have to eat the food of life, i.e. vegetables, for my body to truly function the way I desire it to, and the way Heavenly Father meant it to.  And that desire is to be light, fit and healthy.  I can no longer indulge in sweets.  I have to just remove them from my home and replace them with fruits.  Oranges, watermelon, apples and dried fruit.  A much better option.  I can do it.  I can feel it deep within my soul, the desire to change for the betterment of ME. 

I have lived in the UC almost all of my life and have NEVER hiked the Y.  It was a huge accomplishment for me.  I felt like I overcame a lot of fear reaching the top of that mountain.  If I can do that hike, I can pretty much do anything else that is challenging.  What an amazing blessing.  What an exciting time it is to be alive.

Living Life Deliberately

The last few weeks I have felt myself slipping.  I had a great thing going studying my scriptures and gospel doctrine in the mornings before my kids got up.  Then I would get my kids up and read a few verses in the Book of Mormon with them.  Throughout the day I would listen to Conference talks.  I found that the t.v. wasn't on as much. I was also doing a really great job at being aware of my body and when it was truly hungry and full.  It all seems to be slipping away.  I wake up in the mornings feeling sick from the over processed food that I find myself gravitating toward.  All those things are disappearing. 

Then I realized that I was doing all those things deliberately.  I was desiring a certain outcome to my life so I was deliberately doing those things to aquire said outcome.  And you know, it was working.  If I want my life to change completely I have to live every life deliberately and with diligence. 

When did it all start slipping?  When I wanted to start making goals in my life.  I had written some down.  They were all awesome goals.  None of them had to do with losing weight and getting to a certain size or number.  But it felt all wrong.  I got scared and my bad habits crept back into my life. 

I also realize that if I am going to change that I am going to have to set some goals to help me change.  And I do want to lose weight.  I am not happy, as I mentioned in my last post, with my body and the way it is functioning.  I also realize that my insecurities are effecting my relationship with the husband.  Which makes me completely sad.

Nothing in my life is beyond change .  That brings me great hope.  I can deliberately change my diet to feel better on the inside, thus making me feel better on the outside.  I can deliberately go to bed early so I can arise early and read my scriptures.  Which will strengthen my spirit and bring me closer to God.  I can deliberately go on a walk every single day which will strengthen my body and give my self-confidence a boost. 

In short, I am going to once again start living my life deliberately.  I am grateful that I recognized what was going on before it was far too late.  It's never too late, but sometimes if you wait too long it's harder to get started again. 

My first step moving forward is to come to terms with goal setting.  I need to realize that good goal setting is healthy and a way to progress.

Double Serving of Softball with a Dash of "Reality Sucks"!!

About a month ago I joined a softball team.  I've been asked to join the team for the last few years and every year I passed on the opportunity.  I had no desire to be humiliated with my running skills, hitting and catching skills.  This year I thought I'd push through the embarrassment to push myself to do something new.  I have NEVER played organized softball in my life.  I went to my first practice and thought this is no big deal.  I watched the other ladies around me struggle to pick up the ball, and run after the ball.  At first I was like, what's their problem?  And then it was my turn and I found myself tipping over when reaching for that blasted ball.   I quickly discovered that I am completely out of shape.  My gut gets in the way of my ability to bend over and pick up the ball, my big old rear end prevents me from running as fast as I imagine myself running. 

At first I was embarrassed.  But wait a minute, I'm not the only one who was struggling out there (double fist pump to the chest to all my peeps in the same boat, I truly feel you!).  My embarrassment quickly turned to anger.  Anger at letting myself get this way.  I have discovered some amazing things about myself and my relationship with God.  But in the process I lost my body.  I am angry.  I am angry that my body can't do the things that I want it to do.  I'm so angry it brings me to tears.  Am I angry enough to do something about it?

YOU BET!!

Good, Better, Best

During a meeting with some friends I disclosed some bad habits that I would like to stop.  But my fear in stopping is that taking those things completely out of my life will feel like a diet and then the battle will begin.  How do I change bad habits without having an internal battle with myself?  One friend suggested that instead of completely taking out, that I just replace it with something better.  Then I thought of that talk Good, Better, Best.  I can start slowly by replacing my bad habit like Diet Coke and Chocolate with something that is Good in comparison.  So instead of Diet Coke, Crystal light(at least the Walmart brand), and I replaced the Chocolate with this awesome fruit and nut mix from Costco.  Are these choices the BEST choices?  No, but I feel like I have to make changes slowly and with love and gentleness.  We forget to treat ourselves with love and gentleness, but that is a post for another day.  My idea is that eventually I will replace the good things, with better things and eventually those better things with the things that are BEST for me.  Doesn't that sound like such a GREAT idea?  I thought so.  Instead of doing it like all the other diets in the world tell you to... You know what I"m talking about, they want you take EVERYTHING away from yourself and expect you to stick to it for months.  I'm sorry, but I've tried that and it's just not possible.  For me, anyway. 

Good, Better, Best just feels right.  I believe that permanent change, for me, has to come slowly.  I have to wean myself from these bad habits.  I felt this idea was inspired and so, I'm going to try it out.  Have I been perfect?  No, not by any stretch of the imagination.  But am I making progress?  You betcha.  And it feels good.  I have had just a 20oz diet coke this whole week.  I still have a long way to go with the chocolate.  I have this TERRRIBLE habit of rewarding myself when I'm at the grocery store with a chocolate treat.  I say to myself, "Gosh darn it, I'm a hard working woman, a mother of 6 and I totally DESERVE this."  But am I really rewarding myself, my body?  No.  Sugar just makes me feel sluggish and slow.  It's a habit I formed a good 8 years ago and it's not going to change over night.  But I can apply the good, better, best strategy to that too?  Absolutely!  Instead of a candy, buy a protien bar instead.  Eventually not purchasing anything at all and saving the money I would have spent to buy a new shirt.  Now that sounds like an amazing reward! 

Like I've mentioned before, I am no longer a dieter.  My goal is to permanently change my life.  But that change has to come slowly and with love.  Change doesn't just happen either.  We have to stretch and work at it too.  It's a hard balance to find.  But I hope to find it.

There is no Secret Ingredient

Every week I learn something new about myself, or a principle that is re-enforced.  Several weeks ago my daughter was watching one of my most favorite movies:  Kung Fu Panda.  I loved this movie the first time, and love it even more each time I watch it.  The beautiful thing about the end of this movie is that Po realizes that there is no secret ingredient to greatness, which everyone was seeking on the dragon scroll.  When they found that it was empty, and only reflected their image, they were disappointed.  As I thought about that I realized that for such a long time I had been searching for a secret ingredient to a "perfect" body, according to the world.  But just like Po, I realized that there is no secret ingredient.  We just have to look at our own images in the mirror.  All of us were created in the image of God.  Which gives us Godlike attributes and the ability to become like Him.  Our true greatness comes from within, not from anything in the world. 

I guess if there is a secret ingredient, it would be that we all have to believe in our divine potential.  If we all understood that, we would treat our bodies differently.  Which is exactly what I am striving to do.  Focus on all the amazing things that my body can do, rather then all the things it can't do or all the imperfections.  It's a hard thing to do.  Our natural tendency when we look in the mirror is focus on all that is wrong.  What if you started focusing on all that was good?  Just that slight change in attitude will make a world of difference.  I know, because it has for me.  I'm still working on focusing on the good, and my divine potential.  But you have to start somewhere.  And if all you can see about yourself is that you have a pretty eye color, that's a start.  Then you can be grateful that you have eye sight, and see the color of butterfly wings, or tulips and daffodils as they push their way through snowy ground, or the shape of your children's cheeks as they sleep, smile or laugh.  Your eye sight allows you to read recipes, blogs, and books.  Your eyes are a gift from God, who loves you and wants you to experience all of these things, and more.  Focus on your eyes, first, and go from there.  You will feel a change come over you. 

I think the point I'm trying to make is that life is so much more enjoyable when we aren't obsessed about a number, a size or shape.  I am trying to move away from that way of thinking.  It's difficult, I wont lie.  Especially when it's been engrained in you for what seems like your whole life.  But I can HONESTLY say that now that I have moved past the scale, numbers and sizes that  I am happier.  Now I want to treat my body with kindness so that I can continue to experience this world as God intended me to, with Joy.

Love/ Hate relationships

Generally speaking I love it when Spring arrives.  I love watching the tulips and daffodils push through the frozen ground making hope jump in my heart.  Hope that winter will soon be over with. Hope that the sun will not only be warming my face, but the soil and truly bringing forth those happy happy flowers!  Spring also brings a renewal to garden and prepare the soil and sort out my seeds and start planning how marvelous my garden is going to be.  I always start out with such high hopes and high expectations.

This year the ushering in of spring is bringing a new feeling with it.  A feeling of dread.  Dread of what you ask?  I'm dreading the day when the weather is too warm to wear my beloved sweatshirts.  I will no longer be able to hide the weight that I have gained over the fall and winter months.  I will no longer be able to hide the jiggling at my sides, front and rear.  I always had dreams of coming forth from the winter months a beautiful butterfly.  Instead, I'm just a fattened up caterpillar wondering wear her wings are.  Unlike a caterpillar, eating doesn't produce wings, it just produces roll upon roll. 

I wouldn't take back the spiritual growth that I have made over the fall and winter months.  I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I'm still struggling with the fact that my body had to fatten up in the process.  I always believed that by putting the Lord first everything else would fall into place.  I thought that meant weight would come off, not be packed on.  I guess there is more to it then what I first believed.  I still have to put principles into action.  I can sit idly by doing nothing about my health.  I don't believe that's what the Lord intended. 

My other love/hate relationship right now are photos of me.  Mostly ones taken just a few short years ago.  I wasn't at what the world says is my ideal weight.  But I looked good, and I think I was happy.  It's so hard not to dwell on past self, especially when past self looked good and I didn't acknowledge how happy I truly was in that state.  I still thought I wasn't good enough, thin enough, happy enough.  How sad.  I hope to never take for granted my body.  I want to look at those photos, but I can't.  It hurts too much.  But I can't look of photos of my current self either.  That is just too painful too.  Looking at me in all my chub glory. 

Listen to me, I'm labeling myself.  I'm calling myself chubby, a caterpillar, all nice ways of saying fat.  But is that the truth?  It's true according to the world.  But it's not the TRUTH!  I have to remember to tell myself the truth.  And the truth is that I am a daughter of God who loves me.  He created me in his image.  I have the potential to become like him.  My relationship with God, with my Savior is the only thing that should matter. 

I need to keep putting the Lord first.  By thinking of Him I will continue to feel of his love and receive the promised blessing of His spirit.  His spirit will testify of truth.  And one day, I will believe the truth about my body so strongly that I will want to finally treat it the way it was intended to be treated.  With love.

Great Grain Debate

As I've been thinking a lot about grains and how they need to play a larger roll in my life.  I can't help but think of those that have medical conditions that have to stear clear of said items.  Like Sally, for instance.  In her recent comment asked how, as a pre-diabetic whose Dr. has asked her to stay away from such food, follow the Word of Wisdom?  I have a mother-in-law and a few friends who are gluten intolerant.  Of course gluten is the stuff found in wheat.  There has to be grains out there that don't have the same effect as wheat. 

Which gets my brain thinking about all grains.  Are there other grains that are superior to others?  I keep thinking about the grain Quinoa.  Before when I was freaked out about calories I would stay away from Quinoa.  But Quinoa is jammed packed with protien and other vitamins.   And what about brown rice?  There is no gluten in that and it's filling and takes the body a long time to digest. 

I was hoping that applying the word of wisdom to my daily life would be easy.  But like most things, we have to become educated in them.  If the Lord thinks it's important to make grains the staff of life, then there has to be grains that all mankind can eat to stay healthy. 

Here comes one of my major weakness, I am a crappy researcher!  I don't know where to start.  I don't know what questions to ask, or what resource to go to.  I wish I could solely rely on revelation.  But I can't do that.  I have to be actively engaged in my good cause. 

That was a great question Sally.  Maybe you and I should start with the fruits and veggies and then go on to the grains.  Yum, vegetables the food of LIFE!!!

Reasons for my Absence; New Focus

Flat Honest Truth: 
What I've been going through is hard, and very personal.  My focus has changed, maybe not drastically, but it has changed.  I think I've been eluding to it for some time.  I think I was afraid of admitting it.  Not to me, but to the world.  When, what do I care what the world thinks of me.  Only that's what I've been worried about for such a long time, what others and the world thinks of me.  When the real honest truth is, the only thing that really matters is my relationship to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  
The focus of this blog is going to change.  Not that anyone reads it.  I just thought that if anyone does read this that they will know that it's changing.  I'm changing this blog from a weight-loss blog, to a Christ centered blog.  The only way to really change is through Christ.  I shouldn't be so afraid of rejoicing in Christ.  I hope to share with you the changes that have already started to happen with me. 
The change that has happened hasn't been physical in nature, either.  Which at first was extremely frustrating for me. In fact I am the heaviest I've been since starting this blog.  If I allow myself to dwell on it too long, it can be quite discouraging.  But what is happening is that I am discovering a new relationship with food in conjunction with my new attitude toward my body. 
It's hard to change your attitude toward food when you've believed what the world has been preaching for the last decade.  No Carbs.  Eat every 2-3 hrs.  Eat 6 small meals a day.  You are nothing if you don't look like this...(fill in the blank).  I'm sure the list could go on.  So, I've stopped ALL worldly thinking about food. 
Recently I was re-introduced to the Word of Wisdom.  It's more then just abstaining from drugs and alcohol and strong drink.  It talks about grains being the staff of life.  Eating fruits, vegetable and herbs in season.  And eating meat only in time of winter or famine.  I'm still trying to figure out how often I should eat.  I think I need to just listen to what my body is telling me. 
This isn't going to be easy, by any means.  I'm still battling a dysfunctional relationship with food.  Which of course is the reason I turned to my Savior in the first place.  I'm still fighting to change my cravings for junior mints, red vines, ice cream at night and chips with my lunch.  I know none of those things will keep my body strong and healthy. 
That's what it all boils down to.  Being healthy.  What ever size my body decides it wants to be after I've found the balance between a good healthy way to eat and exercise that is fun and comfortable, so be it.  And if that means that I'm a size 16 for the rest of my life, so be it.  At least I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do and that's all that matters. 

Our Temples

I've been thinking a lot about my body as a Temple.  I've been doing a lot of cleansing of the inside of my Temple, the spiritual part of me.  That has been very rewarding. It wasn't until I read this article about sugar that something started to connect for me.  It talked about how sugar causes depression, weight gain, severe pms, and pre-mature wrinkles.  To quote Mr. Gru(you know from Despicable Me?), LIGHT-BULB!  My body, my temple houses my spirit.  By abusing myself with sugar I am making it more difficult for the spirit to dwell with me.  I have been experiencing all of the above!!  And it hasn't been fun.  I have slightly increased my sugar intake(I should be honest, maybe a lot) over the past year and I believe these symptoms are a result.  This is so much more then just about weight.  It's about my life.  My body and spirit are so intertwined,   more then I understand. 

After reading this article I really want to take control.  And not for my weight, for my health and my spirit.  But where to start?  This is dangerous territory.  How do I start this process without my body(and mind) believing that I'm starting a diet?  I wont every be starting a diet, EVER AGAIN.  I know that there are some permanent lifestyle changes that need to take place.  Removing unneeded sugar is a good place. 

Several, several months ago I vowed not to purchase any treats for myself when I go to the store.  This will be a goal of mine for the month of February.  I also don't want to have sweet in my house during the week.  I need to start training myself to reach for fruits for a sweet fix.  Finding fruits that are in season is going to be a fun adventure.  I've always wanted to make amazing desserts for Sunday night.  Bringing my daughters into the kitchen with me to help me.  That makes 3 goals, right? 

1. No more buying treats in the store.
2. No more sweets in the house during the week
3. Make an amazing dessert for Sunday Dinner.
4. Reach for fruits that are in season. 

That makes 4 goals.  I've written them down.  I will keep you up to date on my progress. 

How does sugar affect you?

What do you do to overcome sugar urges?

Change is slow

Usually in January I hit the gym, hard.  I usually start a new diet and do pretty good.  I am determined to shed pounds and change my life, permanently.  This year is so different.  Exercise is not that important.  Although I really really really really want to start running again.  Will this snow ever melt?  I know, it's still January, but come on.  Eating healthy is still important to me and I am striving to find that perfect way to eat which is best for me. 

The biggest difference for me this year, is that I'm on a different journey.  I have very different goals which I hope will result in a physical change as well.  I've talked a little bit about this in my past posts.  As much as I don't want this journey to be about the weight, it still feels like it is.  My journey is more of a spiritual one.

I have placed more value on scripture study, pondering them, and praying about them and what it is that I should study.  My prayers are becoming more meaningful and fasting has new meaning and real purpose. I am trying so hard to foster a beautiful relationship with Christ.  We've been promised that if we put the Lord first that all other aspects of our lives will fall into place. 

With all this wonderful spiritual growth happening, I still feel a bit lonely.  The only change I see in my body is the change I wasn't  hoping for.  A good friend came over to help me.  I loved all her wonderful advice and counsel.  What it all boils down to is that change takes time.  Even spiritual change.  Which I am not good with.  I want instant results!!  INSTANT!!!  I work so hard for a few weeks wanting my life to change instantaneously.  In all reality, that's not how it's suppose to work. 

I thought I was doing something wrong.  There must be Something MORE I needed to be doing.  My friend told me I was in the same place she was 2 months ago.  She told me I was being to hard on myself and I was doing everything I needed to.  I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.  Even through weight gain. 

6am study time, here I come.  And it's been wonderful to start my day the right way!

Reflections of 2010

As I think back on my 2010 year, it started out insane.  Waking up at 4:45am, heading to the gym, working my brains out until 7am, coming home, and barely making it through the rest of my day.  I was tired, cranky, and let's face it, not capable of that schedule.  So I quit.  I quit a lot of things this year.  I gained 12lbs back, stopped running, stopped caring about what I ate, and hated that my pants began getting too small. 
Through all that I learned that there is more to life then losing weight.  I have been swallowed up in what the world thinks is acceptable, a washboard stomach, hips like a teenage boy, and boobs the size of Mount Olympus.  I have been asking for help in all the wrong areas of my life.  Losing weight is not what is most important in our earthly journey here.  I do believe that being healthy and treating our bodies with love and respect is important. 
The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that I need to gain a relationship with my Savior.  He is the one who will help me get through this maddening and chaotic life.  No amount of weight lost will bring me true happiness and joy.  Finding and trusting in the love that comes from the Savior will bring happiness and joy. 
This past month my focus has completely changed.  Yes, I still want to lose weight, but that is not my focus.  My focus is what I'm going to call, Connecting to the Vine.  And in connecting to the vine I will realize my true potential and value.

2010 didn't go as I quite planned it.  Does anything really? 

I am really looking forward to 2011.