Getting Somewhere

This is my second week into Body for Life. I feel like things are going well. I am totally making better choices in the eating department. Food is my bane, my crutch, my comfort. By consciencely making good choices, I am feeling empowered. I still have a hard road in front of me. These feelings of empowerment are propelling me forward with a greater desire to continue making great choices.
Melissa's words still ring through my head every day. " You have the power to change. " I find myself repeating these words in my head when I come to a hard decision. I have the power to over come. I have the power to choose good. I have the power to change. It's inside me. Waiting for me to grab hold, and run. No more excuses. No more whining. No more complaining.

The Day After

Yesterday was Pioneer Day and my Free Day. It wasn't much of a free day. It just felt like any other day in my previous life. I guess I should have made more out of it. I could have eaten more cookies or maybe more ice cream. The great thing is I don't feel so guilty today. The bad thing is, I wish I would have pigged out more. I find that is what is making it hard for me to get back into the swing of things. If I had eaten myself sick it would be easier to go back to eating really healthy. I think that is one of the reasons for having a free day. So you can remember what it feels like to be sick and sluggish. Either way, it was my free day, good or bad.

Now I have to get back into the mind set of eating a portion of carb and a portion of protien. And a veggie with at least two meals. Which will be easy. Already this morning I passed up the left over donuts and had a tortilla scrambler. It's a good thing that I get to eat every 2-3 hrs. I just need to get a little more creative with my in between meals. I've already eaten up my protien bars because they are so easy and convenient. I need to start eating the cottage cheese and mandarine oranges that I bought.

How am I feeling about myself right now?

I think I am feeling nutral. I don't feel fantastic but I don't feel crappy either. Where I want to be is close to Fantastic. I will get there. I am working hard on getting there. Next week is going to be great. I am going to start to jog again and working out with Melissa has been the best thing for me. I need to keep my body moving and keep my eating healthy. This will work. It will take a lot of time. But I need to be consistent. I say that all the time to remind myself. Work hard, be consistent and I will start to see results. Hard work feels good, and is so rewarding. I'm keeping it up. I can do this.

Week 1 Day 3

I did an awesome job during the day. Then it was sushi time. I blew it. I was so stuffed I hurt. I was more stuffed then on Thanksgiving dinner. Which isn't hard for me since Thanksgiving dinner isn't my favorite. But Sushi, is divine. I couldn't help myself. Then we went even further and got a great wall of chocolate and pineapple, coconut ice cream. My goodness. What a night. The nice thing about the whole ordeal, I still didn't beat myself up over it. I knew it was going to happen and I knew I would just have to take and immediate Uturn right after. And that is what I have done today. I have stuck to everything. Okay, I had two pieces of licorice. But that's all.
Melissa's words are still resounding in my head. You have to have 100 good days to make a difference. I think I knew how last night was going to end up. Now I'm just worried about tomorrow. I'm still going to consider that my free day. And then pick up the pieces on Friday. It's commitment to the program that's going to make a difference. I am committed. But Life happens. And I am not going to give up everything completely if I can't be me and enjoy life. I do know that this way of eating is so doable, and I love everything. That's why I am so grateful for the Free Day. What a world of difference it's going to make in me.
I'm not feeling to good about myself today though. As I was driving around I looked down and saw total muffin top spilling over my pants. I guess the positive is that it was while I was sitting on not standing. The thing is, these are the moments that discourage the hell out of me. I look down and say what's the use. I throw my hands up and eat 10 cookies. Yikes. When what I should be saying is, work harder, you can do it. If you don't want that muffin top, then keep going, keep working hard, it's the only way you are going to rid yourself of that. Be consistent. That's what I'm going to do. Be consistent, and work hard. Losing weight isn't easy.

Week 1 Day 2

Yesterday was day 1. I thought it went pretty good. There weren't any feelings of huge success or failure. It was just a mediocer day. I did my best to stay away from my normal pit falls. I didn't have one cookie. I did try the batter from my lemon poppy seed muffins. I needed to know how they tasted, and I also ate half a cooked one. But I didn't beat myself up over it either, which is important. When the kids and Brent had Ice Cream, I had none. I went on a walk with Amy. Which is was nice. We were able to talk about her trip to Vegas with Denise and Robin. She had a great time.
My goal with Body for Life is to stick to it for the entire 12 weeks. Having a free day is really going to help me. As I look ahead to this week I have a decision to make. Pioneer Day is on thursday and festivities rain supreme. So do I make that my free day? I think that I should. Then stick to the program over the weekend. The downside to that is that I have to wait a lot longer for another free day. I still think it's the best choice.
This evening I am going out to Sushi with Melissa. I really need to be strict with myself for the entire day. Maybe I could split up my free day. No, bad idea. I never do well with that.
I am on the right path. I am in the right mind set. I am doing awesome with my water consumption. I am doing awesome with my resolve to stop drinking soda. I know this is going to do my body a world of difference. Knowing I can have it when I go out makes it so doable.

My goals for this week:
1. Stick to Body for Life
2. Continue to drink water
3. Exercise 5 times
4. Be positive with myself

Body for Life

Well here I sit. Resolved to do better. It seems as though every night I go to bed I am resolved to be better tomorrow. Wanting to be better. Struggling to be better. The new day arrives and the stresses and pushes and pulls of life get too much for me and I fail. I fall into the same habits and food becomes too strong of a pull on me. A few posts ago I mentioned that I needed an actual program to follow. It's hard for me to pull things out of the air. So I pulled out the Body for Life book. I had success on this program before and it doesn't seem to be as strict as Absolute. One thing that draws me to this program is the Free Day. I really do like the eating program as well. Nothing new. I just need to stick to it to be successful. I can do this for 12 weeks. That's really not long. By then I should have some good habits formed. I wont be following the exercise program to the T. As long as I am moving and doing something with my body I count that as being a success.
It's the "getting to the root" of my weight loss problem that I struggle with. Over all I think I'm pretty happy. I just really struggle with motherhood. Which is my whole life. Feelings of inadequacy and failure run through my mind constantly. Most nights I go to bed wondering what it was that I did wrong. Maybe this is the root. I need to start planting new roots. Most people around me tell me that I am a good mother. That I have good kids. I guess I should start listening to them for my sake and for my family's sake. My children for the most part are happy and healthy. Except for the occasional groan about how life is so unfair about this or that. Isn't that normal though. I thought that growing up too. Kids aren't much different in that respect.
Here is where I need to be my own cheerleader, again. Be positive with myself. Tell myself the truth. I am a good mother. I take really good care of my children. I do the best that I know how and I'm always trying to do better.

Walking and some Serious Talking

Last night I went on a walk and asked Melissa to come along with me. You know, my diet coach. As we were talking of course the conversation came around to me and my weight loss efforts. I realized through this conversation that my desire to change just isn't there. Food still have too strong of a hold on me. At least, I'm not ready to change dramatically and quickly. For me, it's going to be in the small steps that I make every week. Melissa's words were the truth, and they hurt. You look at just one day, and say it's just one day. But you have to have 100 good days to make a difference. She didn't mean to hurt me, she was just giving me the straight up truth. I keep saying I want to change, but I guess I don't really want to because I am in the same spot that I was in several months ago. Why don't I want to change? Why can't I change? What to I have to do to have a strong desire to change? All these questions are so hard for me to answer.

Another thing we talked about was a comment I made last week. My friend now weighs less then I do. I said outloud that I am now the fattest girl on the block. I said this again last night and Melissa asked me how I felt about that sentence. I told her it hurts me. She said that it hurts her too to hear me say something like that. These thoughts and feelings of failure and fattness do not come from my loving Heavenly Father. They come from the Father of all Lies, Satan. Heavenly Father would never let me feel this way about myself. But I am so caught up in the skinny world around me that I am letting it effect every fiber of my being. I am beautiful just the way that I am. That is the truth. I can be better. But the Love I receive from my Heavenly Father is enough.

Time to get serious

I just can't do this on my own. I have to follow a set eating plan. If I don't have an eating plan to follow, I fail. I realize that I need to change my lifestyle and I am continuing to do that. But I need some guidance. I did pretty good today. All I drank was water. At Wal-mart, instead of grabbing a soda bottle, I grabbed a water bottle. Again, that is big for me. Since I am a huge soda drinker. Or should I say, was. Little things like that I am improving upon. But it's the 2pm on hours that kill me!!! I am so great up until lunch. After that, it's all over but the crying and the beating myself up. Right after eating I get a huge craving for something sweet. I mean it's big. Like lion hungry big. But I've just had a good lunch and I go and blow it on something sweet. What can I do? What should I do? I know I need to do something but what? I don't want to deprive myself because I know I will really fail then. I need some major help with this problem. Drinking water isn't the solution either. I've been drinking water and that's just not helping this certain craving. I guess I will turn to the Spark People for a little help.

A new week

My eating was so so over the weekend. I always tend to be free with myself. Saturday was Hannah's birthday and we went to the Smokehouse and I had pizza and a salad. Sunday I ended up eating two small bowls of ice cream.
I find that when I am really angry with my children I tend to run to the kitchen to comfort myself. I need comforting from being a bad mom, from feeling out of control, and feeling down right disappointed. What more can I do to help me past these giant hurtles? I think I've gone to food for such a long time I don't know what else to do to fill that void.
In the past when I have hit this straight on I've tried praying or turn to writing. Maybe this is something I need to turn to again. This mortal life always feels so complicated. Struggling to find the balance between EVERYTHING. From being a good mother, cleaning my home, fulfilling my other duties in the church, being a good wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, friend. There is so much that bombards me everyday of my life. For instance, this week I thought was going to be slow since baseball is all over with. But no. I have to finish projects for the Stake Camp Director that I volunteered to do because I didn't feel as if I was doing enough. Now is the time that the other 150 muffins need to be cooked, I have enrichment, and a ward pool party to go to. And each of those events I have to make dessert. Plus I volunteered to make tamales for Sunday dinner. What am I thinking? I would rather be worrying about what book I am gong to read with my kids. Or what coloring project to do. But if I add those things I will for sure go berserk.
Life move forward. Right now I barely feel as if I am keeping up. I keep thinking things will slow down. But they wont. I am at a time in my life where things are just going to keep speeding up. I have to be at my best to keep up. Caring this extra weight around is not helping me. My back hurts every single day.
So what are my goals going to be for this week?

1. Drink just water
2. Eat a fruit and or veggie with EVERY meal.
3. No ice cream
4 Exercise at least 5 times.
5. Be positive

One good thing

I wish I could say that I had a great day. But I didn't. I did make a few good choices. But others weren't so great. This morning for Breakfast I had peach cobbler oatmeal. What is that you ask? Well, it's oatmeal with a little bit of brown sugar and fresh peaches. And yes, it's the best breakfast ever. I didn't have a morning snack because I wasn't hungry for one. We had lunch at the Reservoir. I had a half peanut butter and honey on whole wheat, some apple, handful of tortilla chips with mango salsa, and a 100 calorie dessert. After that is when it went down hill. I made a good choice when I got the girls ice cream cones. I got a frozen yogurt baby cone, and asked for a cup for water. Which is pretty big for me. I usually will get either a 32 or 40oz diet coke. Now that I think about it, that feels pretty darn good that I made that choice. After that is when it I had a hard time making good choices. I baked Hannah's cake for her birthday and snacked on some of the scraps that I cut off. I had 3 bread sticks and 2 slices of pizza and another 100 calorie dessert. Plus I snacked on a giant tootsie roll while making the cake and pizza. After watching a movie with the kids I had about 1/2 cup of mint chip ice cream.
I could get really upset with myself for all the wrong things that I did today. But instead I am going to congratulate myself on the good choices that I made today. Drinking water instead of soda. Having a healthy breakfast.

Now, what can I do to help myself when I'm eating dinner? Maybe put a piece of gum in my mouth? Have a large cup of ice water there to drink instead? I will try these strategies tomorrow when I am making dinner. I want to continue to progress in my lifestyle. Finding things that will work for me. I don't want to look at today as a failure. Even though everything in me tells me that it was.

Being consistent

If you consistently make the right choices and build healthy habits, weight loss is literally just a matter of time.

This is something I just read from the Sparkpeople website. It's just a matter of time, and this weight will come off. It's just a matter of time and my right choices and healthy habits will be worth the effort. Being consistent is the key. Not beating myself up over a bad choice. I usually spiral into weeks of making several bad choices a day. Like Dr. Oz says, just take the first available U-turn and move forward.

So far, today has been great. I worked out with Melissa and I haven't had one soda. I was even offered a free soda today and I turned it down. Whoa, that's big. Me, turn down a free soda? Unheard of. I must mean business. And I do.

All these small good choices will add up to one great big reward. A happier, healthier, thinner me. That's all I want. And I'm sure along the road, as I pound away at it, I will learn lots of valuable lessons.

Losing

I stepped on the scale this morning and I lost another pound. This proves to me that I can still eat those things that I love in smaller quantities and still lose weight. I don't have to deny myself much of anything. It does make a difference in the main foods that I am choosing.
I talked with my friend Mandy this morning and we discussed weight loss and she is now lighter then I am. I am officially the fattest girl on the block. Sigh. Mandy has been working really hard at it and she deserves all the success that is coming to her. Her success is motivating me to keep going. Even though I am not doing Absolute, I am changing my life. That is what matters most.
This morning for Breakfast I had an egg on toast with fruit and milk. The fruit was Delicious. I love summer for it's fruit. For lunch I am going to have another veggie burger (no bun) with sauted onions and more fruit.
I told myself the other day that I am done with soda as well. It's not good for me as a nursing mother, it's not good for my children. So I am not going to have any. I will allow myself some when I go out to eat and that's it. Again, not denying myself anything. That way I'm not setting myself up for failure.
Melissa thinks I can get down to 189 next week. I'm not so sure about that. I am going to try really hard to lose 1-2 more pounds. I am going to bump up my exercise again, try to work hard in the yard and drink loads more water. Now that baseball is over it should be easy to reach these goals.
Again, change is coming. I am so grateful for change. I am going to be a better me. More positive, more loving and more fit and healthy.

Not so Bad

Today is turning out to be a pretty good day. I spent the whole day baking those amazing coconut banana muffins. I baked 150 of them for Girls' Camp. Tomorrow I get to bake 150 Lemon Poppy seed Muffins. Again, for Girls' Camp.
The only disappointment that I had with my eating today was the 3/4 of a bagel and 1 cup of chocolate milk that I had for breakfast. We had a late start and I was getting light headed in the store. I could feel myself getting cranky and new I had to get something real fast. When I get like that it's really hard to make good decisions. If I was thinking straight I could have opted for a protein bar. Next time hopefully I will remember that. As for lunch I had a black bean veggie burger with sauted onions and a small handful of corn chips and for dessert I had a 100 calorie count chocolate cupcakes. Then I was done. I had a protein shake for a snack at 3:30pm. Now I am going to go make myself a lettuce and chicken version of the pasta salad that I am making for my family.
I want to change. I can feel me consciously making those decisions everyday. Wanting, urning to be better. I know this change is going to be slow. This is not a diet I'm putting myself on. This is a complete lifestyle change. It took me a long time to get like this, without me even knowing it. It's going to take me a while to get where I want to be. But it's going to happen. I know I've said this before. But I feel it in the core of my being, it wants to come out. Change. Change is coming, it's happening right now.

Just keep slipping

I was all geared and ready to be the best I could be yesterday. Then I had to go to a baseball game for Hannah and I didn't have anything in the house that I could bring for myself. So I had some not so good food. Half a white bread sandwich, some doritos and a vanilla sandwich cookie. I've decided that to be successful at changing your lifestyle, you need to have a well stocked pantry and fridge. Which is something that I didn't have yesterday. It makes it hard to make good choices when there is nothing good to choose from.
This morning I couldn't find my mini blender top. I'm sure the kids put it somewhere when they were putting the dishes away. So instead of a protein shake I had Life cereal with fresh strawberries. Yum. I added a little bit of splenda to the strawberries. I don't think this was so bad of a breakfast, but it wasn't the breakfast of champions either.
I suppose this lifestyle change of mine is going to be a slow process. Working hard everyday to consciously make good, better and best choices. I want to change, so that change will come.
In the past I looked at myself and saw some flaws but thought I wasn't that bad looking. Now as I reflect on the size of clothes that I am wearing, and how I look in photos, I know I could be a better me. Better at choosing food, and better at treating myself with respect and love.
I'm glad I am writing all this down. It helps me to keep my focus. It helps me to be positive with me, and to be my own cheerleader.

Diet Coach

Yesterday I asked my good friend Melissa to be my Diet Coach. She is an amazing person who as tremendous knowledge of nutrition and exercise. She told me that I had the power to change my life. I just had to recognize it and use it. I know I want to change my life and I am so close to that change. I can feel it wanting to burst from every fiber of my being. It's just those first few steps that are holding me back. The fear of something? I don't know what it is that I am afraid of.
Losing my relationship with food? Why not change my relationship with food to a healthy and uplifting thing. Rather then a hurtful and regretful. That is why I inlisted Melissa. She has found that balance. She loves food and enjoys it just as much as I do. But she doesn't abuse it or let it control her.

Oh boy, it's been a while

Yes, it has been a while. For a while there I was going strong and thinking I was finally getting my trash together. And then I go and get completely discouraged. Happens, I guess. And with me quite often.
Yesterday something clicked in my brain. I want to be better. I don't want to be treating myself so poorly with food. So I'm not going to anymore. But if I want a stinking little brownie bite after my darn lunch, I'm going to. But I love fruits and veggies and whole grain tortillas and bread. Yummy. I just wish it wasn't so ding dang expensive right now. I feel doubly bad for not even attempting my garden this year. I told a friend of mine that I didn't do a garden this year. Her response was, " Aren't you doing a baby right now?" Yes, I am busy with a baby. And babies are busy little beings.
I feel so much better when I am in control of what I put in my mouth. I realize how important it is to have a food diary. And since I can't find a stinking pen around my house I'll have to start logging it here. All the more incentive to eat better. So here goes, and please stop the gasps right now. I didn't say I had perfected my eating just quite yet!! Sheesh.

Breakfast: 1 cup cottage cheese with 1 beautifully segmented orange

Snack: handful of almonds and sips(okay it was gulps) of diet coke

Lunch: 2 chicken tenders, 2 corn tortillas and a bunch of grapes, nibbles of life crispy squares.

snack: Deli sliced chicken, apple slices, and 3 squares from a tootsie roll, nibbles of life crispy

dinner: slice whole wheat bread w/butter, 1/2 lasagna type dinner(I made it myself), and raspberry jello.

I am still struggling with the nibbling on things. I am still struggling to stick with my certain times to eat. It's normally after lunch that I have this problem. I need to find a way to stop this bad habit. I'm pretty sure it involves water. I need to be drinking water instead of grabbing for something to nibble.

Today I also started to experience the pain in my chest again. Similar to when I was pregnant with Beckham. I know it's all the coke I've been drinking. CRAP!!! I guess I'm just going to have to start taking that out of my daily intake.