Last night I went on a walk and asked Melissa to come along with me. You know, my diet coach. As we were talking of course the conversation came around to me and my weight loss efforts. I realized through this conversation that my desire to change just isn't there. Food still have too strong of a hold on me. At least, I'm not ready to change dramatically and quickly. For me, it's going to be in the small steps that I make every week. Melissa's words were the truth, and they hurt. You look at just one day, and say it's just one day. But you have to have 100 good days to make a difference. She didn't mean to hurt me, she was just giving me the straight up truth. I keep saying I want to change, but I guess I don't really want to because I am in the same spot that I was in several months ago. Why don't I want to change? Why can't I change? What to I have to do to have a strong desire to change? All these questions are so hard for me to answer.
Another thing we talked about was a comment I made last week. My friend now weighs less then I do. I said outloud that I am now the fattest girl on the block. I said this again last night and Melissa asked me how I felt about that sentence. I told her it hurts me. She said that it hurts her too to hear me say something like that. These thoughts and feelings of failure and fattness do not come from my loving Heavenly Father. They come from the Father of all Lies, Satan. Heavenly Father would never let me feel this way about myself. But I am so caught up in the skinny world around me that I am letting it effect every fiber of my being. I am beautiful just the way that I am. That is the truth. I can be better. But the Love I receive from my Heavenly Father is enough.
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