Day 29: Plain and Simple

When I don't write, I'm struggling. I have struggled the last few weeks and I'm too embarassed to admit it. Trying to change years and years of bad habits is hard. Plain and Simple. I've also realized that I have to stop blaming others for my addiction to food. A food addiction is what I have. Plain and simple. I have been fostering a wonderful relationship with my kids. I look at them now as blessings and not burdens. I have a wonderful husband, who still drives me crazy at times. But I know he loves me. I have to stop blaming my horrible eating habits on others and start taking responsibility for my own actions.

Hi, my name is Amberlyn and I am an addict. I am addicted to food. And not just one type of food. All foods. Salty foods. Sweet foods. Ice cream. Chocolate. Cookies. Chips. Diet Coke. Bad for you carbs. I love it all. Every morning I am resloved to do better. Because every night I am dissappointed that I let food control me. When I eat like that I quickly run out of energy. I become sluggish and tired and cranky. Even though I recognize this I just can't stop eating.

I am a mortal person living a very mortal life. I have no control over my apetite and I am tormented by this simple truth. There has to be something that can help. With the help of a few Relief Society lessons, one that I taught, and one that I listened to I realized that there is hope for me. And that hope comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Yes, this might be a little to heavy for some of you. But this was my conclusion. I truly feel as though I have an addiction. It pulls me down in every facet of my life. Spiritually, physically and emotionally. But I do know that the atonement can help me through this rough patch. The struggle I face, is how to use it for this purpose. I am hurting and unhappy. I know that we can be made whole and find true happiness through the atonement. So now I am reading all I can about my Savior and his atonement.

I have struggled long enough trying to beat this addiction on my own. Trying to be perfect on my own. I don't have the power to do that. I am to weak in spirit and mind. The good news is, I don't have to do this all on my own any longer. That brings me great comfort.

I also decided that I just need to start being happy. If I think it long enough then I will start believing it. So far, it's working. I find that I am laughing more with my children and my husband. The world seems just a bit more colorful.

Day 17: Attacked

This morning while on my walk I was literally attacked by birds! I'm not kidding in any way shape or form. People passing by could see me covering my head with my hoody and screaming for my life. Yes, I realize I am 10x bigger then they are. But they have beaks to poke my eyeballs out, and talons to rip my ears off! It was SCARY!!! I wasn't planning on doing any running today, but was forced to, to save my life. I'm sure you've seen those birds if you've ever walked on Canyon Rd. They usually dive bomb me a few times, but nothing like this morning. Those black birds should all be shot!! When I thought I finally escaped them, they reappeared a few yards ahead. One of them was waiting for me in the road, he must have been playing look out. I wont be walking along that stretch of Canyon Road! Yikes that was scary.


I am gearing myself up for another go at the gym. Since I haven't been p90xing it with Brent I feel strongly that I should be lifting weights. I am going to really try hard to vamp up my nutrition as well. I found that I wasn't too hungry today either. I didn't graze. I just ate when I was hungry and ate proper portions.

This week has be particularly difficult. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm just going to move forward to get back on track. That's all I can do! 100 days is a long time. It's still helping me to stay focused even if I mess up.

Day 16: Surviving

This morning started out really good. I went for another hour walk. I'm still not feeling the run. As much fun as I had at the Springville 5k, I can't get motivated to run. At least this week. I'm just happy to be getting out and moving my body. I had toast and milk for breakfast. I should add some protien to that, I know. I will make more of an effort to add protien to my diet. And and extra added effort to add vegetables, the food of life.

I was a good Mom today. I got a lot of things accomplished.

Day 15: Being Positive

I realized that I have been really negative lately. Thanks Liz for pointing that out to me. The truth sometimes is painful. Once again I find that I am fighting and bringing myself down. I need to look for the good that is going on in my life. Look for the good choices that I am making. Guilt can be a good thing too. It can move you to change your life and help you to be better. I want to be better. But I want to do it in a way in which I don't tear myself down in the process. That defeats the purpose and the process.

I'm so worried about having perfect days. But I'm not required to have perfect days. I just need to have good days.

My weekends do need to change though. It's okay to indulge a little bit. But not in excess. It all comes back to finding a good balance.

Today has been mediocre. Not a good day, but not a bad day either. I am letting my guard down. When I put my guard down, things seem to fall apart. My guard seems to slip after I have really bad weekends. Which is another reason why I need to improve on those darn weekends.

The day isn't quite done yet. I still have a chance to make good choices.

Day 14: Lots of guilt

Mondays always bring a sense of guilt. Especailly after the type of weekend I just put myself through. Bad news. I feel guilty for every bit of crap of stuff I shoved in my pie hole. Not good. I hate it even more since my gut is huge and hanging over my pants.

I didn't even get out to go for a walk this morning.

I need to learn from my mistakes and move forward. I am still on a quest for 100 good days. I knew it was going to be challanging. I knew it. And it is so hard. Especially when I feel so bad about my stupid choices over the weekend. I feel like an infant learning how to walk. Why do I keep making the same silly mistakes and falling on my face. One lesson I can learn from those determined little beings, is they always get up off their faces and try again.

Day 11, 12 & 13: Large and NOT in Charge

I knew the weekend was coming. I decided to bring it early. I indulged in candy with my daughters as we watched 13 going on 30. Huge mistake. I have been sick all day today. Bad News Bears.



Weekends have notoriously been difficult for me. This weekend is no different. It's nice to come here and confess my weaknesses. At the same time, I feel as if I give myself freedom on the weekends I am much more apt to behave during the week. I hate feeling sick. I am quickly reminded of that when I do begin to indulge. I am ready to be good again once Monday rolls around.



Another problem I'm facing today is BOREDOM!! The weather is crappy. I have no money to spend, not even on gas to get me somewhere. It stinks. So now I sit in front of the t.v., tired, bored with no motivation to do anything at all.

So what do I do? I eat more. It is the weekend of course. That's what it's for, right? WRONG. The only thing I get from indulging myself is a fat and upset belly. I hate Mondays. I hate that my pants fit just a little tighter. By the time the next Friday comes around my belly will have strunk just a little and just in time to enlarge it.

Somethings HAS to change. My weekends CAN NOT be filled with junk and over eating! It just can't. I was doing so good there for the first 10 days. I felt some what in control, and I felt good about myself. And then I go and blow all that during a boring weekend.

This is just another opportunity to learn from my mistakes, right? Move forward and make my weekends count. Go on a long run. Prepare vegetable for the coming week. Work in the garden. Do something other then sitting on the couch, ouch.

Day 10: Survived

It was another good day. Aside from the handful of pretzel m&m's that I had after lunch, it was a success!! I feel like every day I am conscious of the choices that I am making. I am still a work in progress. I could still choose more fruits and veggies, for sure. But as far as portion control and the times that I eat are improving.

Tonight was Book Club. More like and excuse to get out of the house. It felt good. I really wanted to go to Smokehouse. It recently re-opened on University Ave. in Provo. I was SO proud of myself. I got no appetizer, I usually don't. The other two ladies that I was with both order one. I passed on both of them, ya me! I ordered the Thai Chicken pizza with a side salad! That's all I ate. Although I really really really wanted something sweet afterwards. If Target still had their cookies left, I would have gotten one. If we had time to get some fro-yo, I would have. I went to bed with a huge craving. But that's alright. It's almost the weekend. I am having another good week.

Still no difference on the scale. But the improvement about how I feel about myself is a greater reward.

Day 9: Guilt

Last night I felt a major sense of entitlement. I was having a great day! I was eating right, even when I got super hungry. I made sure I ate just to calm my pains and calmly waited for the next meal. Then all hell broke lose after dinner. I have been trying so ding dang hard to keep my temper with my kids. I've been doing a somewhat decent job. I forget how hard the first few weeks of summer are, trying to figure out new schedules and things. The husband did his part in the kitchen which I am grateful for. Then he retreated to the dungeon to do find some releif on the xbox. That left me battling it out with the kids to make sure they got their chores done. That's when the anger began to build. I struggle with the kids ALL DAY LONG. I feel like I should be the one getting some relief, espcially in the summer time! I understand that he works hard. But gosh darn it, so do I.

The husband and son went off to scouts and I couldn't wait to put the other children to bed. Cause as soon as they were in bed, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and watched Glee! And cried. That's all I could think about until they wen to bed. I realize that most of my problem is communication. If I'd just let the husband know I needed more help I think he'd give it to me. Maybe.

But because of my indulgence and sense of entitlement, I feel major guilt. But I'm not going to quit. Because quitting is not the name of the game. The name of the game is knowledge. Finding out what drives me to eat, recognizing it and then fixing it. This time it was the husband that drove me to eat, not the kids. ** Light Bulb ** I have a major fear of confrontation, especially with the husband. I have a very hard time making sure that my feelings are heard and respected. I have come a long way in the past 4 years. But I still need to learn to communicate.

Day 8: Life Food, not Diet Food

This morning I made it out the door without any children. I wasn't planning on running. In my mind Wednesdays were suppose to be long walk days. Since yesterday didn't feel much like a workout I psyched myself out and jogged/walked today. It was nice. I felt great. I'm not sure how far I went. I was gone for 45 minutes and I was a sweaty mess when I got home. One of the reasons I love running outside is for landmarks. I can see them off in the distance and I can push myself to them. You can't do that on a treadmill!

I worked really hard at not grazing at 3pmish. I even passed on cookies today at lunch. Which is my goal. No sweets during the week. Although I caved and had about 3 after dinner. Slap that hand of mine. But I still consider today to be a good day. Despite those 3 cookies I didn't munch while preparing dinner. I ate at reasonable times, no grazing in between. I made good choices when I did sit down to eat. And I resisted the temptation to much during baseball games. That's another big win for me today.

I'm not seeing much results on the scale. I keep having to remind myself that this is more then just about weight. It's a lifestyle change. I know, I know, your sick of hearing about that. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to cut out the sweets during the week. It's not good for me, or for my children. I have to start incorporating more fruits and veggies in my diet. Those are the things that will help keep me strong and living long.

I need to make a more conscious effort to eat more veggies. And more then just carrot sticks. Although that is a start. I need more, and so do my children. You'd think after years and years and years and years of dieting that I'd be use to eating vegetables. Maybe that's the problem. I look at vegetables as more of diet food, rather then life food. I need to make that mental change.

My goal tomorrow is to go through my fridge, clean it out, take inventory of the veggies that I do have and make a good dinner. Vegetables are life food, not diet food. What a great concept. I'm going to remind myself of that every day and make sure to eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. In addition to the fruit that I am already eating.

Wow, it's been 8 days. It hasn't been 8 perfect days. But this concept of 100 good days is helping to keep me focused and the task at hand. And that is to change my lifestyle. It's going to be slow. It's going to be hard. I will have bad days. In the end, I hope to have changed my outlook on life and food.

Day 7: Funk

This morning most of my kids were up when I got ready to go for my walk. All but two of them joined me. I always think it's going to be a good idea and a lot of fun. Then I quickly remember why it is that I go on walks by myself. "My side hurts!", " Are we almost done?", " I'm thirsty", "I'm tired", and relentless teasing between the two year old and 6 year old. Sheesh man, I was done too. It only takes one time to remind myself why it is that I go on my own, especially when I go for exercise. When it's casual, that's a whole other game.

I am a gleek. What's a gleek you ask? Someone who loves to watch Glee. I love love love that show. This past week was all about being in a funk and how to get out of your funk. I find myself in a funk quite frequently. I think most of my life is spent in a funk and trying to find ways to get out of it.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my life as a mother and thinking back through the years. What was I focused on, what did I struggle with, how did I overcome. Well, in my time as a Mother I've been in and out of a huge funk. Obsessed with my weight. Not being able to lose weight. Losing a little bit of weight, and find that funk again. What have I been doing to myself for the past 12 years? I don't think I've allowed myself to really live my life without worrying about the next meal or if I'm going to fail at eating every day. What a miserable existence.

When is my funk going to end so that I can truly start living life to the fullest? When am I going to stop worrying about each meal, sabotaging, dieting, that perfect number or size? When you've been worrying about those things for over 12 years it's hard not to. It's like a bad habit, it's so hard to break.

In essence, today was a good day. Inspite of the 3pm munchies in which I downed 2 banana muffins, I did really well. I still need to find ways around that munch time and make good choices. I also need to stop munching while fixing dinner. Another bad habit that needs breaking.

I really feel like I'm failing at this 100 good days. I need to remind myself that it's not to lose weight. I'm doing it to encourage a healthy lifestyle. I'm doing it now to help me get out of my funk. Which I'm currently in right now.

Day 6: Fast Sunday

It always feels so good to fast. To be so utterly aware of my body and the emptiness that accompanies a fast. A reminder of what it truely feels like to hunger and thirst.

As far as the eating that followed the fast was better then most. I will usually gorge on Sundays, as it is my "free" day. Here comes a confession: I usually kept all the good stuff to myself. Not this time. I shared everything I had with my children. That was hard. But since I'm encouraging all of us to eat healthy during the week, they too deserve a little indulgence. I didn't feel so guilty at the end of the day for eating way too much crap. I ate smaller portions due to the rationing of goods.

Since Sunday's are considered my "free" day I find it hard to stop eating. I will eat regardless of the feeling inside. I will eat and eat and eat until I feel like hurling. No joke. Today, I stopped that. When I was full, I stopped. Even though I wanted to keep going. This is another one of those bad habits that I'm trying to kick, Sunday binge day.

The ill feeling that I get after such a bad eating day usually helps me to do better during the week to. It's no fun feeling like an over stuffed pig. Not good at all.

Today was a good day.

94 days to go.

Day 5: Springville 5k

This year I ran the Springville 5k 1 minute slower then last year. Considering that I haven't been running till just about two weeks ago, I'll take it! It was a good race. Kelli was sweet and stayed right with me. She didn't sound winded and could still talk through it all. Not me. It took everything in me to keep up the pace and to finish the race strong. I didn't sprint as hard as I would have liked to either.

Now that I've run one 5k, I see so much that I want to improve. My starting time this year was faster then last year, that's one huge thing going for me. Another huge thing going for me is support from the Husband. I really wanted to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, but it's a whopping $20. I don't want to fork out that kind of money right now. When I told this to the husband, he thought I should check out other cities and their 5k's. I'm sure there are a TON to choose from, I just need to hunt them out.

At the end of the race I indulged in an ice cream bar. Hello, it was Hagan Daz. Kelli opted not to. Way to go Kelli. It was yummy. Saturdays are my big days that I struggle with the most. But I'm not going to worry so much on the weekends. I've been working super hard today. Not only did I run a 5k, but I've mowed the lawn, shoveled nasty old grass clippings from the garden, and help load the trailer that is destined for the dump. Of course, my day isn't over yet. There is still things to be done in the house.

Today was a Good Day!! I'm proud of myself for running. I forgot to mention, that I only stopped one time and that was to get a drink and it was for just a short minute or two. Big pat on the back.

It was a good day!

5 days down, 95 more to go!

Day 4: It's only Day 4

I spent most of my day at the Zoo with my Mom and the kids. We had a GREAT time. I packed good snacks: carrot sticks, water melon, home made banana muffins, dried fruit and nuts and Gardetto's(my one indulgence). For the most part, I think that was a good. The rest of the day kind of stunk. My Mom had left over wanton's from Book Club and I just had to try them. At least I had just one slice of home made pizza due to the wanton's. And I had a bowl of ice cream. But I couldn't finish it.

I keep thinking to myself, this is only Day 4. How easily I slip. But I have to keep moving forward. This is a learning process for me now. I'm learning how to make good choices while the rest of my life whirls around me. I could have made better choices, sure. And next time I will. I just think, what's a Friday night movie without ice cream? 20lbs lighter is what it is!

What to do next week when I sit down to a movie with the husband? That's right, a bowl of watermelon with a little bit of lime. A much better choice!

I took a break from running today since tomorrow I am racing. I didn't get my ipod charged up so I'll be running without it. But that's okay, I'll have Kelli with me. I hope together we can make good time!

Wish me luck.

Today a good day? I'd say 50% good.

4 days down, 96 to go!

How did you do today?

Got room for a tag-a-long?

I have decided to join Amberlyn in her quest for a 100 good days. I haven't quite decided what my "good day" will look like but hopefully by the end of writing this post, I will have it all figured out.

I have gained back about 10 pounds of the original 70 that I lost. Last summer, I was down to 163 pounds for a minute or so (really a week) but I don't really count that because I think it was some kind of fluke. When I quit Absolute, I was 174 pounds so that's the number I use to measure where I'm at. So now I'm 184 lbs and it turns out that when you are a size 14, a 10-pound weight gain means you are no longer fitting into your clothes anymore. This is when having a friend who will loan you back the clothes (plus some) you gave her when you dropped to 174 and erroneously thought you'd never gain another single pound in your life is an incredibly good thing! So amid being an almost full-time student, and some health problems, I decided like 2 months go that I would just start losing weight again. This is easier said than done. The first time I lost all that weight, it was my only focus. My day revolved around making correct food choices and making sure I was on track. Now, I feel like a circus juggler trying to keep up with school, the house, the kids, AND my weight and it's a little exhausting. I like the idea of 100 good days because it allows me to work on losing weight but not making it my entire life's focus.

I've had my ups and my downs this week and I think that's because I haven't really put anything down on paper so I'm going to take the weekend and decide what exactly my "good days" are going to look like. Then I will post again Sunday night or Monday morning. Amberlyn and I are checking in at the end of each day so this way I can have actual declarations to check in about instead of just reporting vaguely that I had a "good day". I'm hoping my efforts to post and be accountable will also help encourage Amberlyn-- we have different strengths-- she loves to exercise and I hate it-- I'd rather change my diet than commit to an exercise regime. I have a feeling though that the biggest key to me keeping my status as a reformed heifer (reformed being the key word) is the application of daily exercise in addition to healthy eating. I know that seems like an obvious key but since I lost the 70 pounds without exercising, I really did think I could keep doing that. But the sad truth is that when you are 184 instead of 240 then you don't think eating a treat or bread or pasta is really that big of deal-- you think you've kind of earned the right. So now, I'm vowing to shed my sense of entitlement and get ready to work again!

Thanks for the motivation Amberlyn! I know we can do this!

Day 3: Rough Day

That's all this day has been: ROUGH!! I don't think it's just been today. It's been since school has gotten out. Nothing is going right. Okay, that's an exaggeration. There are a few good things going on in my life.

I had a melt down in front of the husband today. I told him I wasn't happy. He asked me why and I gave him a two word answer, "My Weight." He got so frustrated with me. Who says I need to get down to a certain number or size, he inquired. I'm once again losing sight of the personal revelations I recieved just a few short months ago. I need to be focusing on my children and my relationships with each of them. If I happen to lose 20lbs I would still be unhappy because my relationship with my children wouldn't have improved. But I refuse to let myself go. I refuse to continue with bad habits.

I am still on a Quest for 100 good days. But not to lose weight. To help me break bad habits. My main focus still needs to be on my children. I still have to learn how to take care of myself while caring for others. I know it's possible.

Considering the type of day I've had, it's been a good day. I still never indulged in chocolate, or cookies or ice cream. And that my friends, is a good day.

Day 2: I was Runn'n

I had no desire what so ever to do any kind of running this summer. There were so many other things that I had to wrap my brain around that running just wasn't on the top of the todem pole. Until my sis-in-law asked me if I was going to run any races. I didn't have the heart to tell her no, and so I ended up signing up for the Springville Nestle 5k. I really enjoyed running this race last year. I know it's going to be hard. I haven't been running since March like was last year. I figure I'm a fare weather runner. I'm not a die hard who can train inside on a treadmill. I loath running on a treadmill. I can't stand running in the cold either. As soon as that snow melts, and the world begins to turn green, the itch to run starts. Except, not this year.



I'm glad that my sis-in-law asked me. It's got me going again. It's good to have goals and races to push me to be better, to run faster, and to get healthy. I will probably run 2 other races this year. A 10k is OUT!! No desire to do that. Maybe next year when I'm 20lbs lighter. Cause I WILL be 20lbs lighter. 6 miles is just too much for my heavy body. I hope to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, that race is FUN! The last one will be here in Spanish Fork. They have a Half Marathon and 5k in September. I was going to run that on last year but I ran out of steam. I tend to do that. It seems to be a theme with me. One that must change. I need to start finishing strong.



Yesterday I ran for what I thought was 3 miles straight. Until I mapped it online. And they told me it was only 2 miles. What ever. I don't think that was right. I'm trying not to let that discourage me. Today instead of running I went on a really long fast walk. I was gone for a good 50 minutes. My plan is to run again tomorrow, take a break on Friday and run my guts out on Saturday. I've never really pushed myself in races before. I think I will this time and hope not to injure myself. I will be running with my sis-in-law whose easily 50lbs lighter then me. She claims she's not that fast. But she does have a HUGE advantage over me! Her weight. I hope to keep up with her.



Now that I've started running again, it feels good. It's really an accomplishing feeling to run and run and run(okay, I don't run I jog slowly but you get my drift) and realize that you feel good during it and can push yourself to another level. I hope as my good days stalk up, that my running will improve as well.



Exercise:

30 minutes p90x, biceps and back

50 minutes fast walk



Nutrition:

Breakfast

1 yogurt (160)

1 toast(140)



snack:

protien bar(180)



lunch:

tuna sandwich (380)

1/2 orange(30)(1321 left)

snack:
bugles, ugh-a-bug!!!

dinner:
2 cups home made chili
1 tbl sour cream
1 tbl cheese
5 chips

snack:
watermelon with lime!

Dang those bugles! It was a stressful afternoon. I had about 10 extra kids at my house coming in an out in and out. Hunger snuck up on me and I snacked on what the kids were snacking on. At least I stopped when I knew I should. I didn't keep indulging and that was a good choice.

In the evening hunger came strong again. I usually go for something sweet like ice cream. Luckily today I bought a watermelon, and even more lucky it ended up being sweet and juicy. I love to eat it with lime. You should try it.

2 days down, 98 to go

100 Good Days: Day 1

Today I begin my quest for 100 good days. My friend Melissa always told me that I needed to have 100 good days to make a difference. My goal is to have 100 good days of eating and exercise. Most of you know that I don't struggle with the exercise. My struggle comes with the nutrition. In an effort to find success with nutrition I am involving my whole family in this process. We all will snack on fruits and veggies, we all are going to eat a portion of vegetables at lunch and dinner, we all are going to cut out sweets except for on Sundays. I can't do this on my own. I'm hoping to teach my children good habits while I try to break a few bad ones.



100 Good Days Exercise Goals:
1.1 hr p90x in the early morning hours with Hubs.
2. Running in late morning, trying to train for 5ks
3. Walk in the evenings just because it's good for me.



100 Good Days Nutrition Goals:
1. Eat 5-6 small meals a day
2. Portion of Protien and a Portion of Carb at each meal
3. Add a Portion of Vegetables to Lunch and Dinner
4. Drink SLIM before Lunch and Dinner
5. Drink 2 cups of water with each meal
6. Eat Sweets just on Sunday
7. Eat between 1400-1600 calories a day

Maintance Goals
1. Read scriptures every day for 20 minutes
2. Pray morning and night
3. Write my feelings in a journal, or this blog



I'm not asking to have 100 perfect days, just 100 GOOD days. If I mess up, I'm not going to give up, throw in the towel, pull my hair out, or eat away my dissapointment. This 100 good days will come to fruition. IT WILL!!



This morning I woke up at 5:30am and did plyometrics with Husband. At 7am I went for a run and actually surprised myself by jogging at least 2.5 miles, without stopping. I would love to go on a walk this evening and hope to fit it in somewhere.



breakfast(300):
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup blueberries
3 tsp sugar
2 tsp butter

snack(260):
protien bar

lunch(330):
tuna sandwich with carrot sticks

snack(260):
protien bar

dinner(500):
pb&j sandwich, beans