Yesterday was the day. Yesterday was the day that I cheated. Yesterday was the day that I caved to my frustration with my children and fed my anger, fed my stress, fed my disappointment in being a mother, fed those cravings that I've been having for a week now.
Do you ever have those days where you feel like a mother in the wild who turns on her children and eats them? Yesterday was one of those days. What's ironic about the whole thing is that I've been trying hard every morning to wake my kids at 7am and read the scriptures. You'd think we'd be blessed for that valiant effort. WRONGO!!!! Yesterday morning was filled with fighting, bickerind, screaming, yelling, anger, frutsration, thoughts of quiting this whole thing called motherhood and family. I know, none of you have ever felt like this before. Well, I do. Due to such a terrible morning, I treated myself to Sensuous Sandwich and had a chocolate cream filled cookie to go along. Then, when I got home I had handful after handful of m&m's. Damn those stupid things. But it didn't end there. I had home made pizza, sixlets, and a small bowl of ice cream. I screwed up, why try and make it better.
As I ended my day I felt like I had so many many many times before when I do what I'm not suppose to do. I went to bed feeling guilty, and like a failure. I caved. I quit. I cheated. I didn't have the will power to go for a walk instead of feeding my terrible emotions. That's what i should have done. Instead of going out to eat, I should have gone on a walk.
Next time.
I'm glad that I recognized what triggors my eating binges. Those triggors are feelings of anger toward my children, screaming at my children then consequent feelings of failure as a mother.
I should have knelt down and prayer and asked for help. I needed to fold my arms, close my eyes and start over, just like I tell my kids to do.
I can't take back yesterday. All I can do is be better today. Move forward and realize that I am an inperfect human who makes mistakes. I did just what Satan wanted me to do yesterday. I sabbotaged myself.
My desire and determination to lose weight hasn't lessened. That's why I am even more determined to learn from my mistakes from yesterday and do better the next time.
I am also asking for a blessing from Brent. I really think I need the added help. More for the help as a mother then anything. This life is too hard to go it alone.
1 comment:
I love your honesty. Motherhood is difficult and we have our limits--at least you recognize yours. It's okay, you are okay. You are also a loving, wonderful mother. You are still dieting, still changing your life, and still striving to do the best you can. You had a crappy day, so what? It doesn't define you or re-define you--it was just a bad day. Love you!
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