Dazed and Confused

Last night during my sleepless night I wrestled with my weightloss and thoughts of complete and utter failure. I was resigned to the fact that I am the designated fat girl. How is it possible that I try so hard and have such a difficult time. I was ready to completely give up. But if that were true I would have had a hamberger and fries at McDonald's yesterday, I would have had pizza with the family, and also cake and ice cream. But I didn't. I continued with my determination to succeed. Isn't that a victory for me? I haven't exercised at all this week. I am still trying to gain my energy back. Not sleeping enough is taking it's toll on me, plus the whole diareah thing. I stepped on the scale this morning, like I always do Wednesday mornings, buck naked. I was pleasantly surprised that I have lost another 1.5lbs. I must be doing something right, right? How can I not lose weight when I take ALL TREATS out of my daily intake. How can I not lose weight when I am so careful with the food that I put into my mouth? I have been drinking 3 liters of water everyday this week. So I KNOW my weight loss is not water. I have been keeping myself hydrated. I'm just so down on myself. I think this is another hurdle that I have to overcome. This is a LIFESTYLE change that I have already committed to accept. This is the first time when my eating has come naturally and making good choices is second nature. Again, that's another victory for me right? This weight took me years to gain. So what if it takes me several months. I'm doing what is right for my body. I am improving my quality of life. I am being a good example to my girls and even my boys. That's what matters most. Yes, the weightloss is important to me. But I am ready to accept that this might be a slow process, and to let the weight fall when it's ready. I have to prove to my body and soul that I am serious.



Bottom line, what I'm doing is working. And I'm doing it without pills, shots or green tea.





breakfast:
protien shake made with water (120)
1 slice whole wheat bread(80)
2tsp peanut butter(60)
1 tsp jam(20)(280)

snack:
5 pinches of m&m

lunch:
tuna sandwich(300)
pinch of m&m(gosh dang it)(60)
couple bites of sugar cookie(gosh dang it)(80)

I had to send a treat with Beckham to preschool and didn't get to the store. I had some left over sugar cookie dough left in the fridge and some m&ms on top of the fridge. So I rolled and cut out the dough and placed 5 red candies on the dough. You know, 5 for Beckham turning 5. I thought frosting would be to messy. Any-hoo. While sorting out the red m&m from the pink and white ones the smell came wafting up to my nose and I took just one. Well, m&m's are one of those foods that you can't have just one. So I caved, and had 3 here, 3 there. I have been doing so good and staying so strong. Then I just had to take a bite of a cookie to see how it tasted with the chocolate on it. Oh well. I'm making and immediate u-turn and staying strong. It was hard for me to admit that I had those. But to be successful I need to continue to be honest and write down my ups and downs, and everything that I eat. I really feel like that is what's helping me stay on track.

snack:
1/2 cup cottage cheese(80)
3 tbls trail mix(120)

dinner:
1/2 cup asparagas and quinoa salad(200)
1/4 cup pulled pork(200)
stupid bite of cookie(20)
1/2 small apple(20)
2 tsp peanut butter(60)

grand total:1420

Holy CRAP!!!! That is way way way way too many calories. What the heck happened? Temptation is what happened. I can't let myself have another day like this. That was ridiculous. To think that my days before this were filled with 10 times as many indulges. Handfuls of m&ms, several cookies, bowls of ice cream at night. I have found that since I've started encorporating carbs back into my diet, that my cravings for sweets has increased. I can't seem to curb those cravings either. So now I find myself in another cunundrum. I need the carbs to fuel my brain and muscles and to give me energy, but they give me major cravings. I don't want the cravings. When I didn't eat carbs, I had no cravings and I seemed fuller longer. Now, I just feel empty all day long. Which is ridiculous. I need help. I don't know who to turn to for help. Where is the balance? I guess I will continue to plug along. I will really buckld down and try and stick strickly to the Body for Life program. I am going to re-read the book tonight and get my facts straight. If I continue to have a difficult time with the cravings, I'm just going to have to bag the carbs and go back to Absolute.