Well I haven't written in a few days. I have been trying really hard to be positive with myself as you know. I was so excited about my 2lb loss and then we had to go and take Damn family pictures. I looked at those photos and all my good thoughts went directly down the toilet.
Why does weight loss have to be so difficult?
Why are positive thoughts so hard to keep in your head?
Why does food have to be so tempting?
Why does my butt have to jiggle so much when I run?
Why does my front butt scream " look at me, I'm never leaving" when i look in the mirror?
Why does my back fat scream " I'm your second set of breast" when I look in the mirror?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
It makes me want to CRY and SCREAM and PULL MY HAIR OUT~~~~~
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Milk and Muscle
This whole week I have been so discourage by my progress. I started exercising which is so GREAT!!! I love exercising. But I when I stepped on the scale at home I had gained back 3 lbs. Blah, that is so frustrating. I have stuck to the eating almost to the T. I knew for sure when I stepped on the scale today that I was going to gain at least 2lbs. Between muscle gain from exercising and extra milk in my breasteses (Grace was suppose to eat in 15 minutes) it was a for sure thing!!! Mandy weighed before me and she totally took her pants off!!! I thought she was crazy!!! But I could hear her excitement. I thought to myself, " I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm dropping my drawers." Mandy is so great. She never tells me how much she's lost until after I weigh in. But I knew from her reaction that she had a good week.
I stepped into the room and I could feel the weight of my disappointment on my shoulders. That in itself could have weighed 5 lbs. You have no idea my DELIGHT when I stepped on the scale and waited for the number to stop (If you've ever watched The Biggest Loser and they step on that ridiculously large scale and the number goes up and down, up and down and it feels like FOREVER for it to come to a stop, this is how it felt). When it finally stopped, I had lost 2.2 lbs!!!! YEAH FOR ME!!!!!!! When I got back to the waiting room I did a "raise your hands if your Sure" jump!!! I was so excited about 2.2 lbs. I feel so great about myself. All my hard work is paying off!!! YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It feels so good to finally have that sticking scale register more then a measley 1.and whatever lbs. Yes, I know a loss is a loss. But dang, this feels good!!!!
Big pat on my back, I deserve it.
On a spiritual note.
I started putting myself first by studying my scriptures, before I do anything else. You know how I am an instant gratification kind of girl. Well, this brought instant results in how my days went and how I felt about myself. And maybe it's just a placebo kind of an effect. But I like to give the praise to H.F. He knows I am trying and I KNOW he is blessing me for my honest efforts. I wrote in my journal after my last post and realized that if I do this, and put the Lord first I AM putting myself first. All my other relationships and concerns will fall into place. My relationship with myself, my Husband and my children have been better. The husband part still needs some work. But I feel as if I continue to change for the better, he will recognize this and will begin to change along with me. Nothing is more attractive then a confident, loving Woman. And that is what I am ultimately striving for, Confidence and unconditional Love for myself and my family.
I stepped into the room and I could feel the weight of my disappointment on my shoulders. That in itself could have weighed 5 lbs. You have no idea my DELIGHT when I stepped on the scale and waited for the number to stop (If you've ever watched The Biggest Loser and they step on that ridiculously large scale and the number goes up and down, up and down and it feels like FOREVER for it to come to a stop, this is how it felt). When it finally stopped, I had lost 2.2 lbs!!!! YEAH FOR ME!!!!!!! When I got back to the waiting room I did a "raise your hands if your Sure" jump!!! I was so excited about 2.2 lbs. I feel so great about myself. All my hard work is paying off!!! YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It feels so good to finally have that sticking scale register more then a measley 1.and whatever lbs. Yes, I know a loss is a loss. But dang, this feels good!!!!
Big pat on my back, I deserve it.
On a spiritual note.
I started putting myself first by studying my scriptures, before I do anything else. You know how I am an instant gratification kind of girl. Well, this brought instant results in how my days went and how I felt about myself. And maybe it's just a placebo kind of an effect. But I like to give the praise to H.F. He knows I am trying and I KNOW he is blessing me for my honest efforts. I wrote in my journal after my last post and realized that if I do this, and put the Lord first I AM putting myself first. All my other relationships and concerns will fall into place. My relationship with myself, my Husband and my children have been better. The husband part still needs some work. But I feel as if I continue to change for the better, he will recognize this and will begin to change along with me. Nothing is more attractive then a confident, loving Woman. And that is what I am ultimately striving for, Confidence and unconditional Love for myself and my family.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Confession #2
Why is it so hard to be kind and gentle with yourself? Yesterday I did great. Except that I had a slice of frozen cookie dough after lunch and dinner. I have been so good at not feeling guilty about my indulgences. Then I stepped on the scale this morning, which I told myself I wasn't going to, and was so disappointed by what it said. I have been trying so hard to be positive and happy with myself. It's not hard for me to tell Mandy " Great Job". When she told me she had just a bite of mashed potatoes last Sunday I told her it was no big deal. Especially if that's all she had. That is amazing to go all Sunday and have just a bite of potatoes. Why can't I do this for myself? Why is it that we are so hard and hurtful to our own beings? Now I feel like I have just sabotaged myself by having the cookie dough. I'm finding it hard to take an immediate U-turn. I feel as if I have no self control and thoughts of me being a failure are starting to creep in. I need to continually remind myself that this IS NOT EASY!!! It would be worse for me to throw my hands up in the air and yell "SCREW THIS". I am stronger than that. Why can't I tell myself that. Why can't I tell myself that I am doing a good job? Why do I always look at all my failures and weaknesses? The buck stops here. I am a good person. I am doing a GREAT job. I have cut out so many bad things in my diet that I am so proud of. I exercised twice yesterday and once already this morning. I can and will be successful at this program.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday Regrets?
Sunday's are always so stinking hard for me. Just like Mandy described. As I look to the past and my eating habits on Sunday's I think I still did pretty good. The only time I had trouble was at my Mom's and at the Christensen's. I ate lasagna and garlic bread and had some strawberry shortcake and several bites of this amazing chocolate crostata. Then I had some peach cobbler and a little bit of Ice Cream. But I don't feel guilty about any of it. I love the Body for Life theory of 1 free day. So that's what I considered this to be. I allowed for those indulgences and I really feel like I will stick to the diet so much better this week. It's amazing how so much of this eating stuff is mental and emotional. It felt good to eat those foods without guilt.
This week I am really going to concentrate on exercise. I really want to get in 2 small sessions of aerobics if possible. I know this will help with my jiggles and weight loss. If only it would warm up. It's so hard to take a baby out into the bitter Spanish Fork wind. So I just don't. I am craving warmer weather.
This week I am really going to concentrate on exercise. I really want to get in 2 small sessions of aerobics if possible. I know this will help with my jiggles and weight loss. If only it would warm up. It's so hard to take a baby out into the bitter Spanish Fork wind. So I just don't. I am craving warmer weather.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
10 Pounds Later
Amberlyn has been bugging me to post my weigh- ins. I didn't want to post the first one because I knew how discouraged she was and I didn't want to remind her of my weigh-in. She's the one who started the blog and was nice enough to include me that I didn't want to toot my horn louder than hers.
As her and I are discovering... this is a process. And it's one that is taking us different places. We are different people so of course, our weight loss experiences are going to be different. The most important thing is for us to support each other. So I'll catch up on my progress.
At the first week weigh in I lost 9 pounds! I was so excited! I know this is because of the 3-day fast start that I was able to do. (Amberlyn couldn't do it because she is nursing and the lack of carbs could deplete her milk supply). The first week, it was also very easy for me to stick to the program. I think this was because of the appetite suppressant.
On Friday, I lost 1 more pound. I would have guessed it to be more like 4 or 5 because of the way my clothes were fitting but I was okay with 1. That makes 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Not bad. The coach said my first week weigh in was due to the fast start.
All in all, I'm pretty excited. Although it's not as easy to stick to the program anymore now that my body is used to the medication. My hardest day is Sunday because I'm home all day with everyone else and there is a lot more idle time. It seems to be the only day where I really crave sugar and fattening foods.
So there's my update. I'm trying to stay pretty positive. I think both of us are doing great. This weight didn't get there in one month so it's obviously not coming off in one month. Amberlyn is right: Slow and steady wins the race.
As her and I are discovering... this is a process. And it's one that is taking us different places. We are different people so of course, our weight loss experiences are going to be different. The most important thing is for us to support each other. So I'll catch up on my progress.
At the first week weigh in I lost 9 pounds! I was so excited! I know this is because of the 3-day fast start that I was able to do. (Amberlyn couldn't do it because she is nursing and the lack of carbs could deplete her milk supply). The first week, it was also very easy for me to stick to the program. I think this was because of the appetite suppressant.
On Friday, I lost 1 more pound. I would have guessed it to be more like 4 or 5 because of the way my clothes were fitting but I was okay with 1. That makes 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Not bad. The coach said my first week weigh in was due to the fast start.
All in all, I'm pretty excited. Although it's not as easy to stick to the program anymore now that my body is used to the medication. My hardest day is Sunday because I'm home all day with everyone else and there is a lot more idle time. It seems to be the only day where I really crave sugar and fattening foods.
So there's my update. I'm trying to stay pretty positive. I think both of us are doing great. This weight didn't get there in one month so it's obviously not coming off in one month. Amberlyn is right: Slow and steady wins the race.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
2 Weigh-In
Well, I lost another 1.4lbs. This was somewhat disappointing and discouraging to me. I have been doing so well on the program and sticking to it almost perfectly. But a loss is a loss. Slow and steady always wins the race. The woman at the clinic try to encourage me to focus on how my clothes are fitting, and not the scale. So this morning I tried on a pair of pants. Before I started the program I could barely get them up over my butt and button them up. I had some MAJOR muffin top action going on. This morning, they slid on easily and I could button them up. They were still a little snug. But SWEET, they fit so much better. Maybe I am having some success after all.
Considering this was spring break for my kids, I did really really well. The only thing that I splurged on was a bag and half of m&m's. One bag was when I was feeling guilty about my true feelings of motherhood. I just had to have something. But the amazing thing about it, is I moved on. I had the candy, didn't feel guilty about it, and ate sensibly for the rest of the day. When in the past I would have immediately said "screw this", and binged for the remainder of the week or maybe even two weeks. And then I had a tiny handful of m&m's when the kids were having them. Again, didn't beat myself up over it like I have in the past. This is a huge step for me to take. Knowing that I am not going to be perfect on my way to losing weight. And allowing myself to make mistakes has been the biggest gift I could give myself.
Considering this was spring break for my kids, I did really really well. The only thing that I splurged on was a bag and half of m&m's. One bag was when I was feeling guilty about my true feelings of motherhood. I just had to have something. But the amazing thing about it, is I moved on. I had the candy, didn't feel guilty about it, and ate sensibly for the rest of the day. When in the past I would have immediately said "screw this", and binged for the remainder of the week or maybe even two weeks. And then I had a tiny handful of m&m's when the kids were having them. Again, didn't beat myself up over it like I have in the past. This is a huge step for me to take. Knowing that I am not going to be perfect on my way to losing weight. And allowing myself to make mistakes has been the biggest gift I could give myself.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Spiritual Light Bulb
In my studying of the 2007 General Conference Ensign I had a light bulb moment. I realized that one of my purposes to come to this earth was to be a mother. You might think, duh Amberlyn that's kind of obvious. But I came to realize that I have been fighting this, hoping that I had a greater calling. This is what I wrote down:
I should embrace this calling and stop fighting it. The sooner I embrace this, the sonner I can be happy. The phrase, " Just being a mother" seems to put this honored calling down. I'm not JUST a mother. I AM AN HONORED MOTHER, with unique talents and abilities given to me to raise these specific children. I need to recognize and polish these talents so I can further bless the lives of my children.
This may seem so simple, but for me it was huge. I don't think I've truly embraced my calling as a mother. That I can influence my children so much. I haven't been happy as a mother. Which is such a sad realization. The sooner I embrace my calling as a mother, the sooner I can be truly happy. This to me, is extremely powerful, and an answer to pray.
I should embrace this calling and stop fighting it. The sooner I embrace this, the sonner I can be happy. The phrase, " Just being a mother" seems to put this honored calling down. I'm not JUST a mother. I AM AN HONORED MOTHER, with unique talents and abilities given to me to raise these specific children. I need to recognize and polish these talents so I can further bless the lives of my children.
This may seem so simple, but for me it was huge. I don't think I've truly embraced my calling as a mother. That I can influence my children so much. I haven't been happy as a mother. Which is such a sad realization. The sooner I embrace my calling as a mother, the sooner I can be truly happy. This to me, is extremely powerful, and an answer to pray.
Biggest Loser
The food is starting to really get boring on this program. I quickly getting tired of it. I need to find some exciting ways to cook meat and veggies. Since I love to cook this shouldn't be a problem. But I'm also finding that I'm still hungry an hour to 2 hours after eating. Like last night, my stomach was aching for something to eat and it'd only been 1.5 hrs since I ate dinner. Grace was done eating so I decided to go for a walk. Brent looked at me like I was crazy because it was snowing outside. I insisted on going and told him that if I didn't go exercise I'd never lose this weight. I did the 20 minute aerobic solution from Body for Life. I found myself jogging a little bit too. It felt great to be out in the cold and have that tingling sensation that comes after a good walk/jog. I look forward to it again this evening. I was hoping my hunger pains would go away, but they didn't. Luckily I had American Idol to distract me for a little bit.
I also got caught up watching the Season Finale of The Biggest Loser. In my past attempts to lose weight, I would have said screw it. Nothing is worth denying myself some ice cream. Not last night. I grabbed a yogurt and some almonds. And instead of being discouraged by what I was watching, it made me more resolved to stick with this program. And for the first time in 5 seasons, a woman won. She lost 112 lbs or something ridiculous like that. Every time I watch I am amazed at the change their bodies go through. And more then that, where does all that fat go? I mean, their loss could be an entire other person . Is it thrown out there in the universe waiting for someone like me to absorb that extra weight? These people took up so much space and now they take up 40% less space. It's amazing to me. I too, will join these losers. It will probably take me longer since I'm not in the gym 3-4 hrs a day. But every week, I'm throwing some of my fat into the vast universe hoping that it never returns.
I also got caught up watching the Season Finale of The Biggest Loser. In my past attempts to lose weight, I would have said screw it. Nothing is worth denying myself some ice cream. Not last night. I grabbed a yogurt and some almonds. And instead of being discouraged by what I was watching, it made me more resolved to stick with this program. And for the first time in 5 seasons, a woman won. She lost 112 lbs or something ridiculous like that. Every time I watch I am amazed at the change their bodies go through. And more then that, where does all that fat go? I mean, their loss could be an entire other person . Is it thrown out there in the universe waiting for someone like me to absorb that extra weight? These people took up so much space and now they take up 40% less space. It's amazing to me. I too, will join these losers. It will probably take me longer since I'm not in the gym 3-4 hrs a day. But every week, I'm throwing some of my fat into the vast universe hoping that it never returns.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Icre Cream or Diet Coke
I have survived the first day of Spring Break. Yeah for me. We took lunch with us and ate at my Mom's work. I didn't have one chip. And chips are so tempting to me. After that I took the kids to BYU. After, what seems like our 100th trip, to the Bean Museum we walked to the Book Store. It was smoking hot outside, 79 degrees!!! The kids requested Ice Cream Cones. We stood in a long line and all of the kids picked out their fav. flavors and I opted for a Caffine(again, winner for being the worse speller) free Diet Coke. Ice Cream is another of my favorite foods. I love the cold, creamy texture along with the crunch of either chocolate chips or nuts. Yum. But I didn't give in to my temptation. I gulped down my Coke while the kids reveled in their cold treat.
What great success I've had today. The only disappointment was that my salsa for my salad was only sub-par. I will have to do something with it tomorrow.
My attitude is so different this time. I can feel it in my gut. I think I am afraid of being left behind, eating Mandy's dust. I really don't want to look at this like a competition, because IT IS NOT. But man, I feel the pressure. I guess it's a really good thing too. Keeps me super motivated.
What great success I've had today. The only disappointment was that my salsa for my salad was only sub-par. I will have to do something with it tomorrow.
My attitude is so different this time. I can feel it in my gut. I think I am afraid of being left behind, eating Mandy's dust. I really don't want to look at this like a competition, because IT IS NOT. But man, I feel the pressure. I guess it's a really good thing too. Keeps me super motivated.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Dreaded Weekend!!!
I thought I did really good yesterday for my Anniversary. We went to Chili's for lunch. I am going to do this in checklist form.
All good decisions:
Protein Shake for breakfast
Fajitas at Chili's/ no cheese, and no tortillas!!! (this was awesome!!!)
yogurt for a snack--
Not so good decisions:
Dessert at chili's
Chips and salsa at Chili's
2 cookies at Donna's
2 slices of cold pizza for dinner
So my bad choices really outweigh my good choices for Saturday. Blah!!! But it was my anniversary and I was allowing for some freedom. I really wanted the dessert at Chili's. It was this molten white chocolate cake with rasberry sauce. I had had it a couple weeks before and just couldn't resist. Although, Brent didn't share with me. He got his own dessert and I ate only about half. And as for the pizza, I hadn't eaten since lunch which was 11:30 and we didn't get home until 5:30pm. So I was way too hungry to think rationally. And of course I used the excuse of my anniversary and lunch to justify the pizza. I asked Brent if he would go to the store to get some ice cream. He said, " No, I'm not going to help ruin all your hard work this week." He's right. Why sabotage all my hard work.
Sunday's are really hard for me too. But I started out so great. I had a great breakfast. I even brought my snack to church with me and ate it during sacrament meeting so I could make right choices when church was over. Well, this is why this is being posted right not. I really needed something crunchy. I had eaten all my almonds and there was a Chex turtle mix in the pantry. I grabbed a handful and ate it. Then I went back for a few more caramel covered chex. So to stop , I've removed myself from the kitchen and turned to blogging. This is after happy thoughts in church. I really felt like this was my time to succeed. My time to finally take off this weight and keep it off. My time to be Queen over food, and not let it rule me. My time to finally feel good about me. I am proud of myself for stopping. For removing myself from the temptation and doing something with my hands. I truly do feel like this is going to be it. I knew I was going to make mistakes, but I didn't realize they'd be so often. But I am truly grateful for letting go of cookies and cakes and chips and muffins out of my daily life. I am truly on a path to better eating.
After doing this for about a week, it's not as bad as my first fears were. I'm pretty sure it's all in my attitude. I am thinking more creatively on how to prepare my food so it's still pleasing to my palate. This week I am going to experiment with marinades!!! YUM!!! I'm fairly confident this is the reason the meat in my fajitas was so good. No reason why healthy food has to be BLAH!!
I feel better already. I'm ready to face the kitchen and anything that starts screaming at me.
All good decisions:
Protein Shake for breakfast
Fajitas at Chili's/ no cheese, and no tortillas!!! (this was awesome!!!)
yogurt for a snack--
Not so good decisions:
Dessert at chili's
Chips and salsa at Chili's
2 cookies at Donna's
2 slices of cold pizza for dinner
So my bad choices really outweigh my good choices for Saturday. Blah!!! But it was my anniversary and I was allowing for some freedom. I really wanted the dessert at Chili's. It was this molten white chocolate cake with rasberry sauce. I had had it a couple weeks before and just couldn't resist. Although, Brent didn't share with me. He got his own dessert and I ate only about half. And as for the pizza, I hadn't eaten since lunch which was 11:30 and we didn't get home until 5:30pm. So I was way too hungry to think rationally. And of course I used the excuse of my anniversary and lunch to justify the pizza. I asked Brent if he would go to the store to get some ice cream. He said, " No, I'm not going to help ruin all your hard work this week." He's right. Why sabotage all my hard work.
Sunday's are really hard for me too. But I started out so great. I had a great breakfast. I even brought my snack to church with me and ate it during sacrament meeting so I could make right choices when church was over. Well, this is why this is being posted right not. I really needed something crunchy. I had eaten all my almonds and there was a Chex turtle mix in the pantry. I grabbed a handful and ate it. Then I went back for a few more caramel covered chex. So to stop , I've removed myself from the kitchen and turned to blogging. This is after happy thoughts in church. I really felt like this was my time to succeed. My time to finally take off this weight and keep it off. My time to be Queen over food, and not let it rule me. My time to finally feel good about me. I am proud of myself for stopping. For removing myself from the temptation and doing something with my hands. I truly do feel like this is going to be it. I knew I was going to make mistakes, but I didn't realize they'd be so often. But I am truly grateful for letting go of cookies and cakes and chips and muffins out of my daily life. I am truly on a path to better eating.
After doing this for about a week, it's not as bad as my first fears were. I'm pretty sure it's all in my attitude. I am thinking more creatively on how to prepare my food so it's still pleasing to my palate. This week I am going to experiment with marinades!!! YUM!!! I'm fairly confident this is the reason the meat in my fajitas was so good. No reason why healthy food has to be BLAH!!
I feel better already. I'm ready to face the kitchen and anything that starts screaming at me.
Friday, April 11, 2008
First Weigh-In
Today was my first weigh in. I have to tell you that I wanted this to be an amazing experience. I was hoping to step on the scale and 4-5lbs miraculously disappear. I wanted to have that feeling of, " Yeah, this is sooo working for me." But not so. I am happy to report that I lost 1.6lbs, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. The woman at the clinic was so encouraging though(as she should be). She told me that it really does help to take the appetite supresant, which I can't because I'm nursing. And it is going to be harder for me to lose because I am nursing. And she told me that a loss is a loss. Which is true. That's all I want to happen. The small numbers will add up to big numbers, simple math. I went to the clinic with Mandy (for moral support--both ways). She better blog about her experience or I'm going to beat down her door!!!!
Again, I need to give this some time, like Jessica said . It's only been 4.5 freaking days. Take a chill pill Amberlyn. And Denise is right. This is more about a journey that I never thought I would be on. And losing weight along the way is probably going to be a perk. I am so grateful for this blog. I was telling Mandy that I really do think this is helping me in so many different ways. I am being truthful about my mistakes, owning up to my feelings, taking responsibility, and most importantly, being capable of letting go of my mistakes. Which is the one major thing that I haven't been able to do in the past. It is very liberating in many ways, letting go.
I look forward to next week. Not so excited about the weekend. Weekends are always so difficult for me. That's when the ice cream starts screaming at me from the freezer. And everyone wants some kind of dessert after dinner on Sunday. This is when I crave the free day of the Body for Life program. But to make things worse, tomorrow is my anniversary. That's not a bad thing, we'll be celebrating 12 yrs. of marriage. It's sticking to this program, and still wanting to have fun and do what ever. I know I'll do great. I just need to bring healthy snacks and just enjoy myself. And if I don't stick to the program, it's okay, it's only for one meal. And I can always take an immediate U-turn.
Again, I need to give this some time, like Jessica said . It's only been 4.5 freaking days. Take a chill pill Amberlyn. And Denise is right. This is more about a journey that I never thought I would be on. And losing weight along the way is probably going to be a perk. I am so grateful for this blog. I was telling Mandy that I really do think this is helping me in so many different ways. I am being truthful about my mistakes, owning up to my feelings, taking responsibility, and most importantly, being capable of letting go of my mistakes. Which is the one major thing that I haven't been able to do in the past. It is very liberating in many ways, letting go.
I look forward to next week. Not so excited about the weekend. Weekends are always so difficult for me. That's when the ice cream starts screaming at me from the freezer. And everyone wants some kind of dessert after dinner on Sunday. This is when I crave the free day of the Body for Life program. But to make things worse, tomorrow is my anniversary. That's not a bad thing, we'll be celebrating 12 yrs. of marriage. It's sticking to this program, and still wanting to have fun and do what ever. I know I'll do great. I just need to bring healthy snacks and just enjoy myself. And if I don't stick to the program, it's okay, it's only for one meal. And I can always take an immediate U-turn.
Bring it!!!
Last night as Brent and I were going downstairs to watch The Office and Survivor, he pulls out a bag of popcorn and proceeds to pop it. Let me tell you, the smell of popcorn at night is mind numbing!!! Especially when your use to eating popcorn at night WITH a bowl of ice cream!!! Before I started Absolute I think I was eating a bowl of ice cream every other night. YIKES. I am happy to say that I didn't even have 1 kernal of popcorn. Instead, I sucked on a sugar/carb free peppermint life savor.
I realize that it has only been 4 days. As strict as this diet it, and as much crap that I have been cutting out, I haven't seen much results. That is so disappointing. I haven't touched (aside from the stupid banana muffin) any bread, cookies, cupcakes, chips (which I LOVE at lunch with my sandwiches), gummy snacks, ice cream. The list could go on. In talking with my Aunt last night and the reminder that I am from the Edwards(my Mom's family) gene pool, I'm probably eating too much fruit. The body doesn't know the difference between sugar from a cookie, or sugar from a piece of fruit. But fruit is how I have been getting my carbs in. And honestly, fruit has been my saving grace. I will see how things go at my weigh in today. I am probably going to have to incorporate more cooked veggies as a carb, rather then the fruit. Sigh.... But I feel a commitment to this that I haven't felt in past attempts. I am determined to have this work. And I guess that's why it's so frustrating. DRAT my crappy genes!!!
I realize that it has only been 4 days. As strict as this diet it, and as much crap that I have been cutting out, I haven't seen much results. That is so disappointing. I haven't touched (aside from the stupid banana muffin) any bread, cookies, cupcakes, chips (which I LOVE at lunch with my sandwiches), gummy snacks, ice cream. The list could go on. In talking with my Aunt last night and the reminder that I am from the Edwards(my Mom's family) gene pool, I'm probably eating too much fruit. The body doesn't know the difference between sugar from a cookie, or sugar from a piece of fruit. But fruit is how I have been getting my carbs in. And honestly, fruit has been my saving grace. I will see how things go at my weigh in today. I am probably going to have to incorporate more cooked veggies as a carb, rather then the fruit. Sigh.... But I feel a commitment to this that I haven't felt in past attempts. I am determined to have this work. And I guess that's why it's so frustrating. DRAT my crappy genes!!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Damn those Banana Coconut Muffins
Yesterday I was doing great. Then I decided to do something fun with the girls. I had a bunch of black bananas on the counter and they love to cook with me. So hey, why not make muffins. Well I should have picked a yucky recipe. I ended up having one of these delicious delights. Even after my success from the night before. DRAT!!!!!
I do have to say though, this morning I didn't even go near them. There was 1 and half left in the bag and I ended up just throwing them away. Beckham wasn't going to eat them and i just couldn't have their coconut faces looking up at me tempting me every time I walked by. So in the garbage they went. Another crisis averted. Last night I was stressing about it. That is where I begin to fail. I left my bad choice behind me, made an immediate U-turn and started over again this morning.
And I just had to include a picture of my salad. It looked resturaunt worthy. I think anyone not on a diet could eat this delictable salad. It was GOOD!!!!! On bottom was a bed of red leaf lettuce sprinkled with a little bit of cheddar and pepper jack cheese, on top was slices of perfectly roasted chicken drizzled slightly with a light Ranch dressing and topped with my amazing salsa. I am tempting to make another salsa to go ontop of my chicken consisting of mango, pineapple and jicama(for crunch). Hopefully I find more success.
I do have to say though, this morning I didn't even go near them. There was 1 and half left in the bag and I ended up just throwing them away. Beckham wasn't going to eat them and i just couldn't have their coconut faces looking up at me tempting me every time I walked by. So in the garbage they went. Another crisis averted. Last night I was stressing about it. That is where I begin to fail. I left my bad choice behind me, made an immediate U-turn and started over again this morning.
And I just had to include a picture of my salad. It looked resturaunt worthy. I think anyone not on a diet could eat this delictable salad. It was GOOD!!!!! On bottom was a bed of red leaf lettuce sprinkled with a little bit of cheddar and pepper jack cheese, on top was slices of perfectly roasted chicken drizzled slightly with a light Ranch dressing and topped with my amazing salsa. I am tempting to make another salsa to go ontop of my chicken consisting of mango, pineapple and jicama(for crunch). Hopefully I find more success.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Cinnamon Bears and Chocolate Covered Raisins
Last night I attended a Stake Camp meeting. I was asked to be on the comity to help with the food. When we arrived I saw a spread of several bowls filled with different snack choices. Not one of which I am allowed to have. One of them was my favorite, cinnamon bears. The other treats consisted of chocolate covered raisins, pretzels, and baby carrots. I am so happy to say that I didn't touch one item. I didn't let a cinnamon bear even pass over these lips. Although I really wanted to. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back for this.
I am finding success with the food. This time around it hasn't been as difficult. Yes, it's only been two days. But I realized that I need to stick with things that taste good to me and make me happy. So yesterday, I bagged the salad. I went to the store and bought some items to make a kick-a salsa. It was so good!!!! I can't wait to have it again today. And I don't even miss the chips. Okay, maybe I do a little bit. I am going to have to just get creative I've decided. I'm a good cook, I can make things new and exciting. This particular salsa that I made was great with the left over roast from Sunday. Next I'm going to do a Mango/Pineapple salsa to go with Chicken and fish. YUM!!!!
I am finding success with the food. This time around it hasn't been as difficult. Yes, it's only been two days. But I realized that I need to stick with things that taste good to me and make me happy. So yesterday, I bagged the salad. I went to the store and bought some items to make a kick-a salsa. It was so good!!!! I can't wait to have it again today. And I don't even miss the chips. Okay, maybe I do a little bit. I am going to have to just get creative I've decided. I'm a good cook, I can make things new and exciting. This particular salsa that I made was great with the left over roast from Sunday. Next I'm going to do a Mango/Pineapple salsa to go with Chicken and fish. YUM!!!!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Instant Gratification
I am the kind of person that likes instant gratification. Another reason why I think weight loss has been so hard for me. If I don't see results right away I say to my self, "what's the use, might as well go back to my old ways this obviously isn't working for me" I really need to kick this attitude. Weight loss is one of the hardest things for people in general to do. It's up there with quiting smoking and drug re-hab. So of course this is going to take some time, some major effort, and me enduring to the end.
This same attitude is getting in the way of my "getting-to-know-who-I-am" process injunction with the Lord. I know what I am suppose to do and I have received several promptings on the direction I should take. But it still seems so daunting, and overwhelming. I feel like the research and studying that I am doing is leading me no where. Like the spiritual gifts, all the scriptures that I've read already list the SAME spiritual gifts. And there's not too many articles on the subject either. And the one prompting that keeps coming to me is pray about it. Everything that I need help with is encircled around prayer. The one thing that I have the least amount of faith in. So I guess I get on my knees morning, noon, and night and hope that I am sensitive enough to the spirit to heed the promptings that will answer my questions and concerns. Again, this is not instant gratification. The Lord answers in his own due time. I guess there are a lot of lessons that are to be learned through this journey.
This same attitude is getting in the way of my "getting-to-know-who-I-am" process injunction with the Lord. I know what I am suppose to do and I have received several promptings on the direction I should take. But it still seems so daunting, and overwhelming. I feel like the research and studying that I am doing is leading me no where. Like the spiritual gifts, all the scriptures that I've read already list the SAME spiritual gifts. And there's not too many articles on the subject either. And the one prompting that keeps coming to me is pray about it. Everything that I need help with is encircled around prayer. The one thing that I have the least amount of faith in. So I guess I get on my knees morning, noon, and night and hope that I am sensitive enough to the spirit to heed the promptings that will answer my questions and concerns. Again, this is not instant gratification. The Lord answers in his own due time. I guess there are a lot of lessons that are to be learned through this journey.
Whoa! Wait for me!
I only have a few minutes but have so much on my mind that I'm going to just do this post in numbered form- sorry no time for eloquence today.
1. I am committing to post once a week. I'm spending so much time focusing on this diet that it's all I have time for. I may be able to do more- but at least I will post once a week.
2. Thanks Denise for your comments! When Amberlyn and I decided to do this, I had no idea about the blog and had no idea she had such a faithful friend. I appreciate your words of encouragement and strength- keep them coming!
3. I feel fabulous- for the first time in my married life I'm feeling good about losing weight.
4. Denise is right- this program may not be right for you Amberlyn- maybe not right now.
5. BUT- you can do this! Quit talking about failing and be positive. Give this your all! If after a month you still feel the same way- then you can re-evaluate. You are a strong woman- a great friend and a wonderful mother. You can find a way to make this work for you.
6. Amberlyn and I are going to have different experiences with this. We need to be a support to each other and not have a competition. My body holds onto weight after I have a baby- heck I swear I gained weight in the past just thinking about getting pregnant. My youngest is almost 2. Your baby is barely 2 months. This is going to work differently for us and it may seem easier for me but I assure you it's dang hard. I'm just not one to express that openly
- believe me- I was crying to my husband yesterday. And I can do the fast start and have the appetite suppressant- which is really helping me. You've got to do it on sole will-power and I know you can!
7. I'm so glad we were able to get back in touch doing this weight loss clinic together. But don't worry about me if you choose it's not your thing. I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with you feeling like you've failed. So give it all you've got for the next 29 days!
8. My husband has a protein shake every time he has a craving- don't know if this is better or worse than a bite of cookie dough- but just a thought.
I think this is enough for today! I'm looking forward to Friday...our weigh in. And if we've both lost weight, even if it's only 1/2 pound- we're getting our toes done! Have a great day- and believe in yourself.
Call me if you need to!
1. I am committing to post once a week. I'm spending so much time focusing on this diet that it's all I have time for. I may be able to do more- but at least I will post once a week.
2. Thanks Denise for your comments! When Amberlyn and I decided to do this, I had no idea about the blog and had no idea she had such a faithful friend. I appreciate your words of encouragement and strength- keep them coming!
3. I feel fabulous- for the first time in my married life I'm feeling good about losing weight.
4. Denise is right- this program may not be right for you Amberlyn- maybe not right now.
5. BUT- you can do this! Quit talking about failing and be positive. Give this your all! If after a month you still feel the same way- then you can re-evaluate. You are a strong woman- a great friend and a wonderful mother. You can find a way to make this work for you.
6. Amberlyn and I are going to have different experiences with this. We need to be a support to each other and not have a competition. My body holds onto weight after I have a baby- heck I swear I gained weight in the past just thinking about getting pregnant. My youngest is almost 2. Your baby is barely 2 months. This is going to work differently for us and it may seem easier for me but I assure you it's dang hard. I'm just not one to express that openly
- believe me- I was crying to my husband yesterday. And I can do the fast start and have the appetite suppressant- which is really helping me. You've got to do it on sole will-power and I know you can!
7. I'm so glad we were able to get back in touch doing this weight loss clinic together. But don't worry about me if you choose it's not your thing. I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with you feeling like you've failed. So give it all you've got for the next 29 days!
8. My husband has a protein shake every time he has a craving- don't know if this is better or worse than a bite of cookie dough- but just a thought.
I think this is enough for today! I'm looking forward to Friday...our weigh in. And if we've both lost weight, even if it's only 1/2 pound- we're getting our toes done! Have a great day- and believe in yourself.
Call me if you need to!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Yeah for Weights and Stretching
So today is the day. I started working out again this morning. I lifted my lower body and did some stretches!!! It felt GREAT!!! I realized as I was writing down what I did, that I haven't lifted in almost a year. It's been almost a year since I got pregnant with Grace. Wow, how time flies when your "having fun". Anyway, my legs are wobbly and shaky. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but what a great feeling to have again.
And I have been perfect with my eating so far today. I've only had one meal, but it was perfect. I talked with Mandy this morning and we both agreed that this is something that we can definately do for a least a month. Her husband told her it was going to be hard, and I whole heartedly agree with that. As I was talking with her I expressed what my fear was. This is so similar to the 6 Day Body Make-Over, and I hated that program that in the back of my mind I'm already telling myself that I can't do this, it's too hard. Mandy pointed out that this is probably a pattern for me. A pattern of telling myself that things are just too hard. Which is probably true. Even though this Absolute program is going to be hard, and it definately not what I want to do for the rest of my life, I CAN and WILL do this for a month. And I might not do it perfectly, I will make mistakes, but I wont fall off the wagon. Like Dr. Oz's book says, I will make the next available U-turn and start getting back on track. If I happen to make a mistake.
And I have been perfect with my eating so far today. I've only had one meal, but it was perfect. I talked with Mandy this morning and we both agreed that this is something that we can definately do for a least a month. Her husband told her it was going to be hard, and I whole heartedly agree with that. As I was talking with her I expressed what my fear was. This is so similar to the 6 Day Body Make-Over, and I hated that program that in the back of my mind I'm already telling myself that I can't do this, it's too hard. Mandy pointed out that this is probably a pattern for me. A pattern of telling myself that things are just too hard. Which is probably true. Even though this Absolute program is going to be hard, and it definately not what I want to do for the rest of my life, I CAN and WILL do this for a month. And I might not do it perfectly, I will make mistakes, but I wont fall off the wagon. Like Dr. Oz's book says, I will make the next available U-turn and start getting back on track. If I happen to make a mistake.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Obligation
I am truly second guessing this whole Absolute clinic. But the one thing that is going to keep me going this month, and this is pathetic, is the money. I've already paid 130 bones for this month and the shots. I almost feel obligated to go back. But then I have to tell myself, this is my life. And if I truly feel like this isn't going to work for me, then I should back away. But I'm also worried about what my husband is going to say about the money. I should have researched this clinic a lot more then what I did before I made such a big commitment. And what do I tell Mandy? I want to do this with and for her too!!!
I don't think this program is something that I can live with for the rest of my life. I think your right Denise, I need to find something that will work for me for the REST of my LIFE. Besides, I like the whole spiritual aspect to this whole journey so much more.
I know I need help losing weight. For now, I will go to Absolute for this month and then re-evaluate where I am.
I don't think this program is something that I can live with for the rest of my life. I think your right Denise, I need to find something that will work for me for the REST of my LIFE. Besides, I like the whole spiritual aspect to this whole journey so much more.
I know I need help losing weight. For now, I will go to Absolute for this month and then re-evaluate where I am.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Confession #1
I'm going to step up on my soap box, so just bare with me:
HELLO!!! No breads!!! I can deal with the no pasta or no rice. Those really don't tempt me one bit. But come on, not bread. I love a good sandwich. That means I can't have eggs on toast, or even an open face sandwich. And I'm suppose to be eating a lot of eggs in the morning. Oh Gosh, I can just feel the gag reflex coming on. And let's just take this one step further, that would also mean no chips. Hello, chips and salsa is one of my most favorite foods. I could handle replacing the chips with baked whole wheat pita chips, but I can't even do that. Am I totally setting myself up for failure? Even Leslie said she wasn't going to totally take away the Diet Cokes because she didn't want to set us up for failure. Well, I don't want to say it, but I'm kinda feeling that my new BFF Failure is going to be visiting me by this Saturday!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is a girl suppose to do? I don't want to be freaking fat anymore. But I also don't want to FAIL anymore!!! I guess I have to make this into something that I really want, and is it? Yes it is.
It's a good thing I'll be filling my days with research on Spiritual Gifts.
Serenity Now, Serenity Now, Serenity Now.
HELLO!!! No breads!!! I can deal with the no pasta or no rice. Those really don't tempt me one bit. But come on, not bread. I love a good sandwich. That means I can't have eggs on toast, or even an open face sandwich. And I'm suppose to be eating a lot of eggs in the morning. Oh Gosh, I can just feel the gag reflex coming on. And let's just take this one step further, that would also mean no chips. Hello, chips and salsa is one of my most favorite foods. I could handle replacing the chips with baked whole wheat pita chips, but I can't even do that. Am I totally setting myself up for failure? Even Leslie said she wasn't going to totally take away the Diet Cokes because she didn't want to set us up for failure. Well, I don't want to say it, but I'm kinda feeling that my new BFF Failure is going to be visiting me by this Saturday!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is a girl suppose to do? I don't want to be freaking fat anymore. But I also don't want to FAIL anymore!!! I guess I have to make this into something that I really want, and is it? Yes it is.
It's a good thing I'll be filling my days with research on Spiritual Gifts.
Serenity Now, Serenity Now, Serenity Now.
Absolute Nutrition and Weightloss
Well, I had my first meeting with the weight loss clinic. I stood on a scale and saw what my body was made up of, body fat, muscle fat and water weight. Unfortunately, I'm not caring a lot of water. I guess that's good and bad. Good, because I'm not consuming a lot of salt, and the Diet Coke is okay once in a while. Bad, because I was hoping to get rid of the easy stuff first and fast. Nothing's going to be easy about this program. As Leslie, the diet coach, was explaining the whole eating program, my heart sank. The eating program is a cross between the 6 Day Body Makeover (which I absolutely hated and detest) and Body for Life (which I LOVED and have had success with that in the past). Unfortunately it's a little more like the 6 day. I can't have any bread, rice, or white flour. Or any kind of bread for that matter. I told this to my friend Melissa and she asked me for how long. I told her till my weight comes off. There was a pause and this was her response, "Well, good luck with that one." Yes, I know, it's going to be hard. But it must work. Loads of people are losing weight this way. And I, too will lose weight this way as well. All my fears of failure are resurfacing though. I know how hard this is going to be, I'm not going to kid myself. But I want this so badly!!! And along with my other revelations, I feel like it's going to really, truly happen for me.
I was there with my friend Mandy. It's a darn good thing I'm doing it with someone. It's going to make this process a lot easier. Along with my amazing blogging friends. Shout out to my Peeps Denise and Amy.
So this weekend I'm wrapping my brain around what I get to eat(notice to positive approach to that). And almost getting a sick feeling about all the things I'm going to have to give up. All I can say, is that it's a good thing I still get to have fruit. Yeah for the natural sugars.
I was there with my friend Mandy. It's a darn good thing I'm doing it with someone. It's going to make this process a lot easier. Along with my amazing blogging friends. Shout out to my Peeps Denise and Amy.
So this weekend I'm wrapping my brain around what I get to eat(notice to positive approach to that). And almost getting a sick feeling about all the things I'm going to have to give up. All I can say, is that it's a good thing I still get to have fruit. Yeah for the natural sugars.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The other fat girl
I don't know if anybody has been wondering who the other fat girl was from the title of our blog: confessof2fatgirls- but here I am. I'm just a late-bloomer!
Amberlyn and I are starting our transformation together. We both have our appointments at the weight loss clinic tomorrow. And we are on our way to being our thinner, better selves.
As I've read Amberlyn's posts, I have been amazed how she's put it all out there. This process for me is going to be a little slower. While I've realized over the past few years that my weight is more than just a physical issue, (I was in denial for years) I haven't been able to dig deep and define it as Amberlyn has in the past week or so. My ability to do this will take months, I think. So be patient!
I am grateful for Amberlyn's candidness and the comments of her friend Denise. I don't know who she is but I'm hoping she'll send some of her words of wisdom my way. And I welcome feedback from others as well.
I hope I can be as open and honest as Amberlyn- and I will try. I'll also try to post everyday to journal my progress. I definitely think it helps to write out my feelings- it provides clarity of thought and accountability. Thanks Amberlyn for setting the bar so high!
Amberlyn and I are starting our transformation together. We both have our appointments at the weight loss clinic tomorrow. And we are on our way to being our thinner, better selves.
As I've read Amberlyn's posts, I have been amazed how she's put it all out there. This process for me is going to be a little slower. While I've realized over the past few years that my weight is more than just a physical issue, (I was in denial for years) I haven't been able to dig deep and define it as Amberlyn has in the past week or so. My ability to do this will take months, I think. So be patient!
I am grateful for Amberlyn's candidness and the comments of her friend Denise. I don't know who she is but I'm hoping she'll send some of her words of wisdom my way. And I welcome feedback from others as well.
I hope I can be as open and honest as Amberlyn- and I will try. I'll also try to post everyday to journal my progress. I definitely think it helps to write out my feelings- it provides clarity of thought and accountability. Thanks Amberlyn for setting the bar so high!
Who am I?
Thanks to Denise, I read the most wonderful article in this Month's Ensign. It is the topic that I have been struggling with the past few days. But didn't realize it. I have been asking myself a series of questions. The most difficult one for me to answer is, Who am I? I don't think I've ever truly known the answer to that question. In this article titled Your Divine Heritage several quotes popped out to me. The first being, " You owe it to yourself to make an extra effort to discover, in every detail possible, who you really are-- to discover your eternal potential in God's plan." Wow, I owe it to myself to find out who I really am. But he goes on and gives us a great promise if we do diligently strive to find ourselves, he says this, " This getting-to-know-yourself process is important because it enables you to do more with our life. It permits you to come closer to realizing your full potential. It lets you build on and use your strengths, your gifts, and your talents to carry out your purpose in God's plan. (this part I love) It helps you overcome your weaknesses and avoid your vulnerabilities." Double WOW!!! But how to even begin to discover who I am? I don't even know where to start. I do know. I've already begun the prayer process. I've re-read my patriarchal blessing.
This all started out as a journey to lose weight. Now it has turned into something bigger. It has turned into a journey of discovery. Discovering who I really am in the eyes of God. Discovering what my talents are. Discovering what my spiritual gifts are. This is not going to be easy for me. But in order for me to be truly happy, this journey needs to take place.
This all started out as a journey to lose weight. Now it has turned into something bigger. It has turned into a journey of discovery. Discovering who I really am in the eyes of God. Discovering what my talents are. Discovering what my spiritual gifts are. This is not going to be easy for me. But in order for me to be truly happy, this journey needs to take place.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
My own Imaginings
I approached Brent this evening about being attractive. He acted just the way I thought he was going to. With the roll of his eyes, and the shake of his head, " Of course I find you attractive." Then he said something that was so profound he said, " No one has ever said or done anything to make you feel this way." Which is the TRUTH. I have done this to myself. I am the only one that beats myself up over the way I look. I have amazing friends and family who tell me everyday what a wonderful person I am. When I walk into a room Brent greets me with a " Hey Sexy". So why am I having such a hard time accepting the fact that I am a good person. That I am beautiful, overweight, but still beautiful. This extra weight doesn't define who I am. I am still the same person I am on the inside, no matter what the outside currently looks like.
So who am I really? I am a daughter of God who loves me. I am a wife that is loved by her devoted husband. I am a mother that is loved unconditionally by her children, who look past my weaknesses. I am a person who loves to be a good friend.
So who am I really? I am a daughter of God who loves me. I am a wife that is loved by her devoted husband. I am a mother that is loved unconditionally by her children, who look past my weaknesses. I am a person who loves to be a good friend.
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