Permanent Changes

As 2013 quickly approaches, I've been pondering permanency.  What does it take to make permanent change in my life?  Desire?  Fear?  Hitting rock bottom?  Thoughts of a better life?  Setting a good example for my posterity?  I understand that making a permanent change will take commitment and hard work.  I think I need to allow for a few failures and set backs as well.  I would be ignorant and naive to think that permanent change can happen without some challenges.  My intent is to do it with a happy heart and a smiling face.  I know that commitment, dedication and hard work towards permanent change with bring a happier me. 
So what does my commitment level look like?  I've been thinking a lot about that too.  In the past I've only committed myself to a few months.  5 at the most, maybe.  What my commitment looks like is a YEAR working on changing and strengthening those 4 areas I touched on last post, which are Spiritual, Physical, Emotional and Mental.  I have to, I MUST commit to at least a year.  I feel as though a year's commitment will bring the permanent change that I so desire.  I'm praying that hard work will turn into second nature. 
All this has come about due to the desire that burns deep within my soul.  The desire to want to change. The desire to no longer want to feel sick, run down and beaten every day.  The desire for a better quality of life.  The desire to want to feel at peace with myself, and what God wants me to be.  Since the beginning of December I've been praying that this desire that burns within me will change my very nature.  When once I salivated over a milky ways, red vines, and ice cream, I want that turned into a salivation for delicious salads, roasted veggies,  and fresh crisp fruit.  I no longer want to miss eating artisan breads, slathered with butter and dipped in alfredo sauce. All those bad habits have contributed to my weight gain, and my un-happy feelings toward myself. 
I have a reason to change, 7 reasons, 8 actually counting myself.  Those reasons are for myself, my husband and  6 children.  First and foremost I'm doing it for myself.  Second I'm doing it for my family.  To set a good example for them.  So that they don't have to struggle as I have.  And maybe they still will.  But if I can help them now to see what living a healthy life looks like, maybe it wont take them as long as it took me. 
I'm ready for a permanent change to happen in my life.  I'm ready for the challenge that this goal presents at my feet.  I know it will be hard.  But nothing worth doing was ever easy.  Besides, I'm stronger then I believe I am.  There's power that comes from a strong desire and will to change.  As I type these words, fear begins to creep into my mind and remind me of all my weaknesses.  I know I am weak.  But that's why I'm not relying on just my own power to accomplish this.  It will take heavenly help.  I believe my desires are righteous, I will have the heavenly help I so desperately need.

Musings on the year of 2012

Once again I sit here at the computer, changing the title to this blog to conform to my current situation.  I realized over this last year that life isn't just about balance in one area of life, it's all encompassing between spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental.  I know that if I can't find happiness with myself right now, it wont matter if the numbers go down on the scale, I'll still be searching for true happiness and joy.  I hope to transform this blog into my journey to find balance between all four facets of life.  I'm sure there are a lot more, but these four are the ones that weigh most heavily on my mind. 
Over the last few years I've worked really hard to strengthen 3 of the 4 areas in my life.  Those 3 areas were spiritual, emotional and mental.  But as the year went by, my physical self was set on the back burner.  I found myself looking in the mirror thinking, "Girl, what have you done (or not done) to yourself."  I realized that being physically healthy is just as important as being spiritual and emotionally healthy.  They are all so intimately connected.
There are several experiences that I've had that I hope to record and expound upon here.  I hope to share my thoughts, feelings, progress, and even a few recipes here.  I tend to have more success when I am actively recording the goings on in my life. 
As 2013 quickly approaches, I don't want another year to go by where I didn't do anything to help me find balance, happiness, joy and peace with who I am.  I have too much to live for to let my life be wasted by fear.  I found a saying on pinterest the other day that I just loved.  But that's for another post.

Starting AGAIN

As most of you have guessed, I never ran that 1/2 marathon.  After running the 9.5 miles my body completely shut down.  I tried running shortly after and it felt like I had a 40lb kid strapped to both my legs.  I could barely walk around the block.  After that I knew there was something wrong with my body.  I haven't been feeling right for about 2 years now.  I made an appointment with a Dr. who specializes in the thyroid.  I had to wait 2 months to get into him.  I didn't really want there to be anything wrong with me, but it would be nice to have an answer to how I was feeling, and a solution.  Lab results showed that all 3 of my thyroid levels were off.  So I started thyroid medicine last Tuesday.  I don't feel much different right now, so I think I'm going to up the dose per Dr.'s instruction. 

While waiting to see this Dr. and to find out the results, we're talking a total of 3 months, I gave up on everything.  I gave up on trying to be nutritious, I gave up on exercise, I pretty much gave up on hope.  I had worked so hard over the summer to shed some lbs and nothing was working.  I am hoping and praying that I will be granted a small miracle in these thyroid pills.  Not that I want to be super thin, I just want to be able to get my life back.  I want to be able to exercise and have more energy, not be drained of it.  I want to be able to get my hair back, I want to be able to lose a few lbs.  Is that so much to ask? 

This week I started up with exercise again.  I am dedicating myself in the morning to exercising at 30-60 minutes.  In addition to this I am eliminating candy from my weekly intake and restricting it to the weekends.  From past experience I know that if I eliminate it completely that I'm setting myself up for failure.  No good.  There are a lot of other things that I am trying to eliminate as well.  But I am taking it slow.  Candy is the most detrimental to my health right now.  

The other thing that I am trying to focus my efforts on is adding a lot of vegetables to my life.  I know that vegetables are the food of life.  In addition to that I wont be eliminating fruits.  I feel that if the Earth grows it, it's good for me.  I don't care if the body can't tell the difference between the sugar in fruit or the sugar in a twinkie.  Fruit HAS to be a far superior choice of sweet treat!  I have been buying more vegetable then I ever have before and I am making my family eat them as well.  Just the other day for breakfast I had roasted butternut squash and roasted beet for breakfast.  Crazy, but it was crazy good. 

I am certain that incorporating more vegetables and eliminating candy to and from my life, that my quality of life will improve.  It has to.  I also know that I need to give it time.  Giving it time is a necessary strategy for this to work.  Patience is something that I have always struggled with. 

And really in the end, if I don't lose any weight at least I'll be a healthier person.  And healthier is the goal. 

I am hoping to post healthy veggie recipes here on this blog.  I ate a kick butt juevos rancheros for both lunch and dinner today.  I wish i would have taken a picture of it.  But man it was so good I ate it twice.  The best thing about it, was the oinions, bell peppers and mushrooms that I sauteed up and cooked with lawry's fajita seasoning.  All I could think about was my sister and how she would LOVE this.  I am going to have to share it with her the next time I get to fix something for her. 

Life is good.  My life is only going to get better from here.

1/2 Marathon Update

It's been almost a month since I started training for this 1/2 marathon.  I've been consistently running, running slow.  I keep trying to get over the time it takes me to run the distance.  I keep telling myself that I'm not out to beat a certain time or win the race.  What I am trying to do is get into a healthy lifestyle and routine.

This past Saturday I went out for a long run.  Which almost didn't happen due to my stinking basement flooding in 2.5 rooms.  What a mess.  In my past life I would have let such a catastrophe get the best of me.  As I lay in bed contemplating my situation, I made a decision.  I would no longer let life get in the way of my success.  Shit happens all the time(pardon my french) and I can't keep allowing it to get my way.  At first I thought I would shorten my run.  But I had already mapped out my route and as I began my ran I refused to expect anything less from myself.  I also threw out the heart rate training and ran like I would in the race, which was run 3 minutes and walk 1 minute.  I went for an amazing 8 miles!!  People, you have no idea what an amazing accomplishment this is for me, and in just 4 weeks.  Of course I am embarrassed by how long it took me, but , like I mentioned before, I'm trying not to let that get in my way either.  My friend Sabrina keeps telling me it doesn't matter cuz I'm lapping everyone that sitting on the couch.  So true.  I'm still astonished, 8 miles.

Despite my training I have yet to lose one ounce of weight.  It's not really about the weight, but losing a few lbs would be a nice benefit.  I think if I could shed some lbs my running would probably get  easier and my pace a bit faster.  But I'll take what I can get right now.

The week of the 4th was an eye opener for me.  I allowed myself to eat sugar without restriction.  The result?  A sick sick sick and weak body.  I also felt worthless and disgusted.  So back to the Green Smoothies I went.  This past week I began every single day with a green smoothy.  It was AMAZING the difference in the two weeks.  For some reason, when I started my day with a green smoothy my sugar craving was pretty much zilch.  Friday I allowed myself to have a cake donut and a tiny bowel of cereal for breakfast.  HugE, hUGe, mistake.  The rest of the day I craved sugar.  I couldn't get enough of it to feed the crave.  It was astonishing.  My solution?  Drink Green Smoothies every morning for the rest of my life.  Is this a sustainable habit?  For me, you bet.  If it will help me take control of sugar cravings, addictive and compulsive behavior, it's what I am going to do.  I've also reached a point where I no longer need to add agave.  Just pure, raw fruits and veggies.

Another benefit from the green smoothies is I feel so much better inside.  Really, I do.  I am grateful that I discovered green smoothies and the power they have in my life.  I am also grateful for the challenge to run a 1/2 marathon.  I hope it continues to change my life!!

Not too bad

I ran the farthest I've run in years this past Saturday.  I was hoping for 6 miles but didn't figure my route correctly and just went about 5.5miles.  I am slower then snails as well.  I went out again this morning and logged 4.3 miles.  Again, super slow.  I don't think I would be able to go as long as I've been going if it weren't for the heart rate training.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's not about how long it's taking me, but that I'm simply getting out there and doing it.  I pondered a lot on my run this morning how I felt while running and how I really felt about the time it takes me to run my various distances.  At first I was disappointed, but as I pondered more and more I realized that all that can change.  I'm still carrying a lot of extra weight.  I know that if this weight was off of me I wouldn't have to try and lug around so much while I was running.  But the only way the weight is going to come off is if I eat foods that will help me feel light and healthy.  Same old story peeps.  Eat lots of vegetables, fruits and grains.  I was going to google what it is that runners should be eating, but I already know how to eat.  I just need to start doing it. Plain and simple.

I really do love how running makes me feel.  Why I ever stopped, is beyond me.  Well, I know why, and I wish I would have ran through those difficult times.  I think they would have been a lot easier to deal with then just sitting around moping.

Today is the 4th of July.  I am grateful that I have the freedom to choose how I want to live my life.  I am not living my life to the fullest right now either.  I am allowing my nutrition to get in the way of me leading a more successful and happy life.  And I am choosing that consciously.  Right now I am okay with that.  I am making changes in my life that are slow, but they are steady and more changes will come.  I am happy.  Probably more happy then I've been in a very long time.  I am grateful for the challenge to train for a 1/2 marathon.  Sometimes the idea still makes me want to vomit.  But look where I've come in just a few short weeks.  Amazing what the body can do if you just allow it to.

And the battle wages on

For the most part, my spiritual sugar fast has been a success.  Yesterday I had a bite of cookie dough, and this afternoon I had 4 junior mints.  It has been tremendously helpful in my fight against addiction to open the fridge, have the urge to eat cookie dough and tell myself, "no, I'm fasting."  Like I said, a sort of trick of the mind, but really just a principle that I'm choosing to apply differently.  I am grateful that it's working.  I just have to take it week by week, day by day.  Besides, tomorrow is the weekend when I get to break my fast.

I had a good conversation with a great friend of mine today.  We talked about our continuing journey to overcome our food battles.  She talked about eating by instinct vs. overeating or restrictive eating.  I have had plenty of experience with overeating and restrictive eating.  But the one thing that I so desire to be is an instinctive eater.  That's when you eat when your hungry, eat what you want and stop when you are satisfied, not full, but satisfied.  There is a difference.  This goes along that vision of the person I want to be.  I want to instinctively eat whole grains, fruits and veggies.  It's coming, it really is.  In the process I have to overcome my addiction.  But my friend, as she listened to me explain my experience the other day, suggested that maybe what I am suffering from now is compulsive eating.  Not necessarily an addiction, but compulsion. That was a new idea.  I've never thought of myself as a compulsive eater but as I ponder the meaning of that, maybe I do eat out of compulsion.  I guess it's time to do some more research online.  


Now I am going to really try and listen to what my body is telling me.  Eat when I am hungry, but not starving.  Eat what I really want to eat.  And STOP eating when I am satisfied.  Sounds easy, right?  But when you've never really listened to what your body is telling you, it hard.  Kind of strange, and it feels different.  I think in combination with my fast, and instinctively listening to my body I could really be onto something here.  I'm actually getting butterflies I'm so excited.  

Playing Mind Tricks

This morning I thought about my behavior last night.  I was frustrated with my choice to eat junior mints, cookies, scotcharoos, and cookie dough.  I remember eating them because I was honestly hungry.  I wasn't bored, tired, angry with my husband or children.  It was out of habit, and those foods still taste good in my mouth.  The textures, the sweet, the salty, basically the sugar rush.  But in the end all it really made me feel was tired, sick and useless.  As I thought more about it I realized that I am still allowing fear to control my life.  But what am I afraid of?  As I allowed my thoughts to flow I realized that I am afraid of being fat for the rest of my life.  I am afraid of never overcoming my addiction to sugar/food.  That is a sad reality.  My fear drives me to do the one thing that is keeping me unhealthy, sick and well, fat.  How am I going to overcome this stupid fallen man appetite.  I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own. So I asked myself what can I do to help me, REALLY HELP ME?  As I continued to ponder what I had success with over the last few months, the answer was in fasting.  I successfully completed a 4 day green smoothy fast, and I know I can do a spiritual fast for 24 hours(or close to it).  So I asked myself, what if I did a sugar fast?  The power coming from a FAST.  Including the Lord in my daily life.  When ever I've fasted on fast Sunday and became weak and emotionally drained I'd pray.  I would turn to the Lord for strength.  So here I go getting all churchy on you again.  Today I started a sugar fast.  Whenever I had the urge to go toward cookie dough, or a cookie or junior mints(which are all still in my house), I told myself; No, I'm fasting.  And you know what, it worked.  I haven't had any sweets all day today.  I am allowing faith in the principle of fasting to conquer this day. Yay Me!!  I will give myself a pat on the back.  I think we all have to find that one thing, one strategy, one idea that will help us accomplish our goals and find true success.  Today, beginning a sincere sugar fast, understanding that when it gets too hard I will kneel in prayer and ask for strength that is greater then my own, has given me power.  The hunger is not gone, the urge to binge has not disappeared, the battle still wages on.   A battle that I have faced for most of my adult life.  I hope I don't fall victim to my own demise.  But I wont. 

I went for a 4.23 mile run today.  Holy Cow, it's true.  I can't believe it myself.  It took me a long time to run that distance due to my heart rate training, but it felt GREAT!!  My knees didn't hurt, neither did my feet.  I still felt like I could go longer.  I am putting faith in this heart rate training and praying that my speed will increase and my time will decrease.  It's all about the training.  This training in conjunction with my nutrition(my new found desire to fast from sugar), I hope, is the equation I've been looking for for weight loss.  I'm hoping the weight, if I can be consistent, will begin to fall off.  Weight has NEVER fallen off of me, EVER!!  How can it not?  I am consciously choosing to eat vegetables, green smoothies and fresh fruit.  Who has ever gotten fat off of fruit?  If it comes naturally from the Earth then it was intended for us to eat it.  Yes, that even means bananas!  We'll see if my theory is right. 

Onwards and upwards and hopefully see a few things fall by the wayside.  Like a few(or a lot) of lbs.!!

No Weight Training for Me

Instead of going on a run Friday I opted to go to Cross fit with my Mom.  Although I loved the work out and being with my Mom I just wont be able to lift while training for this1/2 marathon.  I don't lift often enough and tend to get really sore everytime I do any kind of lifting.  I understand how important weight training is, I'm going to have to hold off on this for a while. 

I went on another run this morning and was disappointed with how heavy I felt and how long it took me to run.  I went for 3.2 miles.  Tomorrow I am going to go on a bike ride and try to keep my heart rate within it's proper range.

Of course the one thing that I continue to struggle with is nutrition.  I did much better today and honestly logged my calories on myfitnesspal.  I realize that I still need to eat less in general and eat more vegetables.  I cooked up some quinoa today and plan on adding that to my awesome fresh corn and avacado salad I made.  I ate it with home made whole wheat pita bread.  It was raw, clean and delicious. 

I didn't get rid of all the cookies and treats in my pantry.  Which is a huge mistake.  I am too weak to say no.  I had a scotcharoo after lunch and just couldn't help having a cookie before dinner and another scotcharoo after FHE.  Just empty fatty calories.  I hate admitting that I had these items.  But it's the truth and I need to be honest with myself. 

Tomorrow is going to be better.  I'm like an electric stove top, I take a while to warm up and get going.  Now that I have an exercise plan and goal, my eating with catch up with me.  It usually does, it just take a good week or so to get going.  And this isn't a short change, but a lifetime change.  Sugar and sweets are something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. 

Balance in all things.  Where is my balance?

Heart Rate Training, 2nd run

I went out for my second run today.  I experienced basically the same feelings as the first run.  I went .5 miles longer this time and felt like I could go longer.  I love how this training is not to hard on your body.  As I've gotten older my knees have started to bother me(I'm sure that has a lot to do with the extra weight I'm carrying) and my feet hurt me too.  Before 30 I never suffered from any of the aches and pains.

From what I understand, heart rate training is also a great way to stay within your fat burning zone.  Which for someone trying to lose weight is great information.  In the past I have found that the more I exercise the more I want to eat.  So now the challenge is to snack on fruits and vegetables rather then chips, cookies, or store bought highly processed foods.  Which as we all know, are highly addictive.

I felt like eating something sweet this morning for breakfast, but knew I needed to get in a smoothy.  My solution, a simple Peanut Butter, Banana, and Spinach smoothy with just a little bit of home made (no high-fructose corn syrup)chocolate syrup.  Oh man, it hit the spot beautifully.  Just because I still like to chew on somthing I toasted up a piece of %100 home made whole wheat bread with some home made low-sugar raspberry freezer jam, DELICIOUS!!  Followed up with a tall glass of ice water.  What a perfect start to the day.

I wish I could say the nutrition is coming naturally and easily.  But it's not.  I still ate far too many calories today which included a rice crispy treat from the store and a half of twix bar.  I feel full, prolly too full right now.  I knew that the nutrition would be the difficult part to this training.  Nutrition is something I have always struggled with.

Right now I am reading the Green Smoothies Diet.  It's mostly a lifestyle that is plant based, eating whole foods and staying away from highly processed foods.  I wish this part of my life came more easy.

Feel like More

I know that resting is key to successful training.  But I also feel like I should be doing something every day.  Today I didn't do much of anything except some yoga,stretching, and a few core exercises.  Jumping into this training is a tad bit overwhelming and I'm still trying to find a balance of things I should be doing.  Should I still be strength training or cross training while I am heart rate training?  I guess I need to be doing some more research online.  I want to be successful with this half marathon.  Ugh!!!

Did I mention this is overwhelming?!!

I wanted to share with you my favorite lunch that I've been having.  I figured out the calories on myfitnesspal.com which it ends up being between 330 and 400 calories.  And it is to die for delicious.  My favorite lunch is Whole Wheat Thai Chicken Pita Pizza.

You take:
1 whole wheat pita
Spread 2 TBL Thai Chili Sauce mixed with 1 TBL Adam's Peanut Butter on top of Pita
Sprinkle a thin layer of shredded mozz. Cheese.
Layer a few slices of Roasted Chicken Breast
Next, layer thinly sliced zucchini
Sprinkle on some freshly sliced Green onions
And to finish, add cilantro leaves to taste.  I love cilantro so I add a lot.  If cilantro tastes like soap to you,                           leave it off.  

Place in an oven pre-heated to 425 and cook until gold brown on the edges.  If you have a toaster oven that works, you can you that too!!  You will not be disappointed in this pita pizza!!  My kids even love it.  They request to have it.  Although they don't add the zucchini, something about not loving veggies yet.

ARE YOU CRAZY??!!!

On Friday I got a very interesting phone call from my sweet sister-in-law Brooke.  She challenged me to run a 1/2 marathon with her and her two brothers.  All of which are my husband's siblings.  My first and immediate response was(and I'm not kidding or exaggerating)  " HELL NO!! ".  Never in my whole adult, or adolescent life for that matter have I ever had a desire to run more then a 10k.  I did that a few years ago and it was tough.  Grant it, I ran it without much training, but I did it and it was rewarding.  I stopped running after that.  After that experience it boggled my mind how other people could even entertain the idea of running 13 miles.  My Mom was with me when I got the phone and was disgusted with prospect.  After talking with Brooke some more I asked if I could think about it.  She sent me a link to a training program and while looking at it I felt like this was something I should do.  I don't think it's coincidence that Brooke's call came the day after my fast.  I truly believe that this is something the Lord has thrown in my path on this journey to a healthier me.  I truly believe this will help me become that person I have visualized for the past year.  As I've told people about my new and outrageous goal, the only disappointing response came from my sister.  I was sadden by her lack of support but realized something very important; I'm not doing this for her, or for my Mom.  I'm not doing it for anyone else but me.  And really, it's not about the marathon.  It's about a lifestyle change and the training that it takes to get to the half marathon.
My friend Rich is a trainer and has trained for sprint tris, 1/2 marathons, and iron mans.  He told me that this is something I can do. He suggested that I heart rate train.  Which means I subtract my age from 180.  He also suggested that I use the run-walk-run method, which made a lot of sense to me.  This morning I strapped on a heart rate monitor and went out for my first day of training.  Let me tell you, it felt amazing.  This heart rate training is just what I need.  The goal is to keep my heart rate at 144.  Of course it goes a little high when I run, and that's when I slow to a walk until is goes just below 144 and then I begin to run again.  I went for 3.25 miles and it felt awesome.  I could have gone longer.  But hey, I still don't know what the heck I'm doing.  Again, I'm excited about the training.  I am excited to take back my life and change the way I live permanently.
Rich also told me it is possible to lose weight while training.  Of course, that is a huge hope of mine.  But losing weight comes with proper nutrition.  For me, I want my staples to be vegetables, fruits and whole grains with a little bit of protein.  This is going to be the more difficult part of my change.  But it something that I want badly and it will come.  I need to remember to eat those things that will help me feel light on my feet and good inside.  I know that vegetables are KEY for me.  I know green smoothies will help a ton and eating a lot of green salads.  I'm hoping to share my recipes with you here.
Today was not a super good eating day, but it wasn't horrible either.  I began my day with this Smoothy.

1cup kale
1/3 english cucumber
1 medium carrot- washed but unpeeled
1 orange
5 strawberries -leaves left on
1/2 mango
1/2 cup water
1 cup ice

I didn't add any agave this time, which would have made it taste better.  It was still refreshing and I enjoyed getting full off of a tall glass of cold green goo.

Another habit that I need to kick is eating out.  If I can just lose my desire for El Gallo Giro burritos, or Slab pizza, my life will get a whole lot easier.  But there are many natural man appetites that I have to over come.  Baby steps, I keep telling myself.  Baby steps.  And actually, eating out is probably one of the easier ones especially now that the kids are out of school and it's not so easy to pick up and go to lunch.  I need to take advantage of that.

So there it is.  I'm training to run a 1/2 marathon.  Hello talk about wanting to vomit with fear.  Despite my fear, I know it's do-able.  Wish me luck and if you have any happy thoughts or good advice please leave them.

Oh, and that's the reason for the name change back to Pounding the Pavement.  I'm back to pounding my way to a healthier me.

Successful

Well I managed to successfully fast for 22 hours.  Yes, I am not a complete failure.  There are several things that I love about fasting.  The first and foremost is the fact that I can display some self discipline.  Cuz that's what it takes to fast.  I realize that I am strong enough to not put food into my mouth.  I am strong enough to not eat the sugar.  Another thing that I love about fasting is the feeling of hunger that I get.  For a person who use to eat to numb herself, fasting is a relief.  It's great to feel hunger pains.  And not just smalls ones, but ones that bring me to my knees in humility.  Which brings me to another reason I love to fast.  I realize that I am nothing without the strength of the Lord.  I am weak and consumed by my fallen state.  Without him, this journey will not be possible.  A journey to a permanent lifestyle change.  That is my ultimate goal. I know I talked about goals yesterday.  But in all reality and honesty, a lifestyle change is what I desire most.  A lifestyle change is what will bring the vision of that person I saw yesterday to fruition.  I want to be that person more then words can express.  How hard am I willing to work for that?  Hard enough to fast on a Tuesday. 

Another hopeful strategy was brought to my attention today.  And that is to simply reduce the portions that I eat.  I thought I was doing pretty good at this.  When the kids set the table I insist on having a small plate.  It thinks it's a brilliant strategy.  It just wont work if I'm snacking on foods just before dinner.  Which, I must confess, is a huge bad habit of mine.  That habit is one that I want to change.  In March I stopped snacking while preparing dinner.  I think the reason for that was a green smoothy.  I was making myself a peanut butter and banana with spinach smoothy at about 3pm.  It would satisfy my sweet tooth, and soothed my hunger while preparing dinner.  I think I need to go back to that.  I also try and drink water, ice water.  I love ice water.  Nothing is more refreshing. 

I also successfully logged my calories for the day.  I didn't work out due to the fasting.  I did work my butt off scrubbing showers and tubs.  Does that count if I got sweaty? 

My favorite thing I ate today was a whole wheat thai chicken pita pizza!!  Oh My GOODNESS  it was delicious.  Want to know what was on it? 

I took my thai chili sauce and added some Adam's Peanut Butter to eat and used that as the base.  Then I sprinkled a little bit of Mozzarella cheese on top of that.  Then I put some roasted chicken, like 4 slices, then I put some sliced raw zucchini next, and for the grand finale I put thinly slice green onions and fresh cilantro!  Can you say heaven on a whole wheat pita!!  Let me tell you how many calories was in one... 331.  Not bad right?  And it's worth every stinking calorie too!!  I drank a cherry coke zero with it.  Just couldn't control myself with that one.  And it was worth every burning gulp!!  

Vision of the Future

So let me begin by saying that I am still fat.  I didn't complete my 30 day sugar fast.  Just one more thing/goal that I can check off the list of things that I've failed at.  That's why I am no longer going to set goals like that.  I need to be setting realistic goals.  Like losing 5lbs a month goals and logging my calories for 90 days.  

Let me continue by saying that I too, am still addicted to sugar.  My hospital stays were a wake up call and I stopped eating sugar for a good 3 months. It was amazing and my body felt so much better.  As time went on and as I began to feel better I justified buying a few things here and there.  I still don't buy candy for myself everytime I step foot into a store.  I still glance at the mini-caramels and utah's own chocolates.  But I just tell myself NO.  In addition to that I have to confess that I still drink a diet coke every now and then.  I guess you'd call me a social drinker.  I don't go out to the local gas station at lunch any more and get me a 32 ouncer.  Although that urge was ooober strong today.  I just get one when I'm out to lunch with friends.  Which, now that summer is out is not very often. 

All these things contribute to my current state.  Still Fat.  Which I am no longer satisfied with.  I know, I KNOW, you've heard this sob story from me before.  And I always begin something and NEVER finish it.  Hence the failure complex that I have.  Well, that all stops here.  I'm tired of my pants fitting to snuggly.  I refuse to go a size larger and so now is the day that I begin the rest of my life.  I'm not waiting till next Monday.  Today is the day. 

While getting ready for the day, which was at 2:30pm this afternoon.  I had already hiked the Y, fixed breakfast, supervised the de-cluttering and washing of walls and baseboards, made bread, in addition to all the other daily and summer chores that I insisted on getting done.  2:30pm was the earliest I  could bath and clean up.  That's been a trend this summer.  Anyway, I digress.  Whilst getting ready for the day I was thinking about a vision of the person and self that I so desperately want to be.  What is that person I'm sure you are dying to know.  Well, I want to be someone who naturally turns to whole grains, fruits, salads and vegetables.  I want to be someone who loves to be active all year round, hiking, biking, jogging, walking, gardening, playing with my kids.  I don't want to struggle with sugar anymore.  i don't want that substance to rule my life anymore.  I've had it.  Kaput, finished, end of the road for that way of living.  I want to eat clean and be light on my feet.  Is that so much to ask for?  With an addiction like mine, it seems just out of my reach.  But it's not.  I know that I am determined enough and my desire is strong enough, finally, to do something about it.  To change my life so I can be that person I saw in my vision today.  Hello, I'm starting on a Tuesday, not a Monday.  That's just cra cra.

I realize that I am a very weak person.  So weak that I can not do this journey on my own.  I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that I need help.   The one person that I am turning to is the Lord.  I began a fast this afternoon after lunch.  That's how serious I am about changing my life.  Fasting on a Tuesday?  I have had it with how I feel and the way my body is functioning.  It's just not good enough for me. 

I understand that there can not be change without a plan, without goals.  I know I've made about a gazillion goals since the start of this blog.  In the past some of the goals were made for the wrong reasons and ended up hurting my spirit.  That changes today as well.

1. My long long term goal is to lose 30lbs by my birthday.  That gives me 8 months.

2. A long/short term goal is to track what I eat/calories for 90 days.  Even on the weekend no matter how outrageous my eating gets.  This will get me through the summer.

3.  My short term goal is to lose 5lbs by July 24th, Pioneer day.

4. One last short term goal, exercise at least 5 times a week.  

I know that tracking calories is the key to my success.  I also know that cutting out sugar will be key to my success as well.  My goal to combat the sugar is to not purchase any candy to still be lingering around the house on week days.  I think I am going to try and just have desserts on Saturday and Sunday nights.  I am going to insist that no cookies be made for the next 90 days.  We can all do better at not eating so much sugar.  So fresh fruit here we come. 

I feel good.  I know that change is coming.  It's been heading my way for a really long long time now.  Too long as a matter of fact. 

I am stronger then I believe I am. 

Not Perfection

How did the first 4 days go of my no-sugar fast?  I did awesome 2 out of the 4 days.  I refuse to demand perfection out of myself.  When I have demanded that of myself in the past I begin to hate the process, hate myself, and end up giving up all together.  On Wednesday I went out with a new friend to a new place to eat and allowed myself to share a shake with her and our children.  It was good, and I didn't have anything else for the rest of the day.  Thursday my cousin and Aunt came over for a quilting day.  That was a lot of fun.  Although I succumbed to drinking a diet caffeine free soda, and my Aunt had a massive craving for a cake so we made one from a box mix an another diet soda.  My Aunt made this amazing glaze to go on top and I allowed myself to try that as well.  Goodness it was good.  Again, I didn't have anything after it. I did recognize how crazy I was for it after just trying the first little bit.  My body took a little quick intake of breath and asked itself, "What is this deliciousness and give me more!!"  Sure fire sign of an addict. 

I look at where I have come in just even a year and I am proud of my progress.  The reason I am doing this 30 day fast is to prove to myself that I can go without sugar.  That my desire for better health is greater then my desire to indulge in junk.  Even though these last 4 days have not been "perfect" I still haven't bought candy when I am at the store. I don't have candy or cookies in my pantry to tempt and try me. I don't buy a soda every time I'm in the grocery store and I'm not hopping in the 'burb to run down to the nearest gas station to get my fix. 

I am the first one to admit that I am some what of a follower.  I love doing what others are doing and have a hard time not participating in the fun things.  And for me, that involves food.  That is a step that I know will come later.  I can't jump all these hurdles at once.  That is a sure fire way for me to fall flat and hard on my face. 

The weekend is coming up and another challenge will be presented.  I love the weekends and the treats that tend to come with them.  But I have promised myself 30 days and although I don't demand perfection I will stretch myself.  It can be done.  I can go a weekend without getting too cray cray with the treatie treats.  My weekends have already changed their look and feel.  A lot still needs to happen. Progress, that's what I am making. 

The other critical principle that I am trying to pay attention to, is my body cues.  When it's hungry, i try to eat.  I try to stop eating before I get completely full, and the most important, I try not to eat when I am not hungry.  For so many years I ate even when I wasn't hungry.  I am trying to be kind and nurturing to myself and really listen to what my body is saying and asking me to do.  It's hard.  But I am grateful for the challenge.

No Sugar?

I can't believe it's been a whole month since the last time I posted something.  I realized that somethings never change with me.  One being the fact that I get so easily discouraged.  I haven't done anything good since this last post.  Despite losing a pound.

Over this past year I have watched several people around me successfully lose weight, and a lot of it.  Between 50-70lbs.  I think I'm still stuck in the desire to lose everything in a few short months.  Which, come on, really? That kind of weight loss is never permanent.  These people have inspired me to be consistent.  I realize that it's going to take me TIME to lose the amount of weight that I need to lose.  So I have set one long term goal for myself, accompanied by some monthly goals.  I have come to terms with the fact that it will take me about 10 months to lose 40lbs.  I hope to be able to lose 5lbs a month.  I don't think these goals are lofty or unattainable. In fact, I think they are highly reasonable and very attainable.

To Kick start my success I have committed to go 30 days without any sugar.  After going off of candy in January, this probably wont be as difficult as it might have been a year ago.

Easter really kicked my butt.  As it does every ding dang year.  I indulged in a huge container of Jelly Belly's from Costco, courtesy of my parents.  I still have yet to purchase myself candy in the store like I use too.  Which I'm sure is a habit that contributed to my current state.

These past few weeks of not drinking green smoothies and back to eating sugar has thrust me back into feeling sick, tired, and plain out of motivation to do anything.  I know this is due to the sugar.  It truly is poisoning my body.  For some psycho reason, I keep eating the damn stuff despite the side effects.
Over the past year I have overcome a lot of baggage, healed hurts, and improved my feelings of self worth.  I know I am not eating because of any of these reasons.  I truly believe it's out of habit now.  I am hoping that in this 30 days I will begin to break the bad habits that I have formed over 20 years.

This too, is a recurring theme of mine.  Just bare with me as I try to overcome it.

I have also discovered that the more I document my progress the better I do.  I hope to write at least once a week.  I am also going to document my eating and exercise once again at Myfitnesspal.com.  Love love lovie love this site.

Here's to 30 days without sugar.

Sixlets on the Counter

This is my fourth week of consistently exercising.  I am doing the Turbo Fire program and I LOVE it.  It's hard for me, but I need something that is hard. I've lost count of how long it's been since I've had a diet coke, or any soda for that matter.  Since having my kidney problems in January, I haven't had any candy during the week, and hardly any on the weekend.  I still enjoy a good cookie.  Come to think of it, I haven't had any ice cream for a really long time too.  My green smoothy at 3pm has helped my sweet tooth craving and gets me through till dinner.  This past Sunday I grabbed a sixlet after choir.  I didn't eat it and it's still sitting on my counter, staring at me.  It has no pull on me though, amazing.  Sixlets are one of my most most favorite candies.  I have many, but they are at the top of the list.  In addition to this, this is my second week without eating out at all.  I usually eat out at least twice a week for lunch.

Despite these triumphs in my life, I have not lost a single pound.  I could be discouraged by this.  But the way I feel compared to how I felt in December is phenomenal.  I think my hair has even stopped falling out, or at least it's not falling out as much as it use to.  I'm not turning back to my old life.  I was sad, sometimes depressed, felt sluggish, sick, and fat.  Now, I am happier, feel great, have energy to get things done, have a desire to look nice, and just enjoy living.  Why would I want to change that.  If I don't lose weight, that's okay.  I know that the changes that I am making are making a difference in other areas of my life.  I just need to accept my body for what it is, buy new clothes and move forward with new goals and desires.  It would be nice to lose some weight so I can move even better when it comes to running, hiking, gardening, and keeping up with the kids.  If the weight is going to come off, it will.  But if it doesn't, I think I've come to terms with that.  And I'm okay.  The number on the scale doesn't define who I am or how I feel(to some degree).  It's just a number.

I did get on the scale last friday and was disappointed to see a 2lb weight gain.  I had counted my calories and didn't eat over 1550, and I also monitored how many calories I burned.  I had a great week.  But it didn't translate on the scale.  Hence, my submission to being the way I am.

Plugging along

I know I haven't written in a few weeks.  I am still going strong drinking 2 green smoothies a day.  It has helped me tremendously in my calorie counting and curbing my sweet tooth at 3pm.   Two weeks ago I finally stepped on the scale and it was 7lbs lighter then when I stepped on it 6 months ago.  A week later I stepped back on the scale and had lost 3lbs.  I was shocked to say the least.  I have plugged on this week hoping that I would be able to pull off a 1lb weight loss. I attribute my 3lb weight loss to menstrual cycle.  But I'll take it.  I have kept close track of my calories consumed, and calories burned at myfitnesspal.com. I love this site.  It's super easy to use.  I have worked out every day this week and plan on working out extra hard tomorrow.

I don't struggle so much on the weekends as I use to.  I want so badly to shed lbs to gain a healthier body.  I give in a little more on the weekends just so I don't get out of control during the week.  I'll let you know how that is working out for me.  If I don't start losing weight, I'm going to have to start getting strict on the weekends as well, which I hope doesn't have to happen.  I want to be able to make changes that can be permanent and stay with me for the rest of my life. I realize that I might have to be a bit more strict with myself to lose weight, but I hope what I am doing shows some results.  Losing weight is numbers in and numbers out, right?

I am stepping on the scale tomorrow morning.  With that in mind, I am going to be extra careful tonight.  I have an awards banquet to attend.  I have just 6-700 calories left today.  I can do this.

In the Trash

Now that several of our birthday celebrations are over with, I took liberties and threw away all left over crap in the trash.  Left over bags of candy, boxes of sugar cookies.  I didn't eat much candy over the weekend, a few cinnamon hearts, but I did eat more sugar cookies.   I am still an addict, and when stuff is around and I'm super hungry I still reach for the comforting food items.  To combat this, I just threw everything away that I knew was bad for me.  If it's not in the house to tempt me, I am forced to reach for something else. 

I did make some awesome salads over the weekend.  Really good stuff, even my 4 year old couldn't get enough.  I think we will be eating salads for lunch a lot in the future. 

This mornings green smoothy consisted of: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 orange, 1lime, 1 carrot, 1 celery, 1/4 apple, 1/4 pear, 1/4 cucumber, agave, and ice.  Ohhhhh, it's a good one too.  Citrusly Wonderful!!  I am debating on whether or not to move to two smoothies a day.  I think I'll wait to do that the 1st of March. The beginning of the year is so hard for me to stay on track.  What with my birthday, Grace's Birthday, Beckham's birthday and Isabel & Annika's all within a month of each other.  Plus you throw in Valentine's day,and it's cookie, cake, ice cream over load.  I must say, that I did better this year then in past years.  I need to woman up and just simply pass on the girls' birthday cake. 

I keep telling myself that candy is poison.  With that though continually running through my mind, it's been no problem to say no to the stuff.  Of course I still have my moments of weakness, but I still don't eat near as much as I use to. 

The frustrating part is that I'm not losing any weight.  I'm not eating as much as before either.  I am going to have to figure out how to get myself to start losing weight.  I haven't exercised every single day either, but I know tons of people who lose weight without exercising.  Besides, weight loss is 70% nutrition, and 30% exercise.  This week so far I've exercised everyday.  Yes, it's only been two days.  But I didn't let my kids being home yesterday get in the way of my work out.  I'm also following the class schedule for a program called TurboFire.  I am super committed to losing this weight.  I have set more solid dates to reach some of my goals.  Remember those first pair of pants, I would like to fit into those by the time my anniversary rolls around.  I still don't want to step on the scale, so I need to be putting those pants on every friday.  I have to gauge my success by something. 

I still wish losing weight didn't have to be so difficult.  This time will be different though.  It will be permanent.  I'm learning how to live my life the way God intended.  I'm learning how to be truly happy with who I am on the inside and on the outside.  I am learning how to be truly grateful for the things a loving Heavenly Father has bestowed upon me.  There is a great lesson to be learned in this trial.  I might not understand it right now, but I hope to very soon.

There's a Difference

I stopped drinking green smoothies for breakfast for a few days.  Not because I didn't want to drink them, but because I ran out of good things to blend.  As a result I started feeling sick again.  That probably has a lot to do with me being weak and giving into my cravings.  This past week has been a testament to me of how much my body is affected by sugar.  And not just with candy.  I have steered pretty clear of the that.  But sugar in general.  I recognized that I couldn't get up in the mornings.  But when I drink the green smoothies and cut out the sugar, I would automatically wake at 5am, rested and ready to start my day.  It was weird.  I almost felt like bouncing off the walls good. If felt awesome.  This week, I have started feeling sick again.  I can't get myself out of bed and I have to force myself to get things done around the house. 

There are so many other things that are easy for me to say NO to.  All those things would wreak havoc in my life as well.  But sugar, is different.  But now that I can actually recognize how it is affecting me, the choice to leave it alone should be more clear and easy. 

Yesterday was grocery shopping day.  I tried to stay away from processed foods.  It wasn't easy.  I bought mostly fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes.  Even though I am on a tight budget I am determined to take on this challenge and prove to myself and my husband that we can still eat healthy and get out of debt.  I was aching for a green smoothy this morning and my fridge was so wonderful to open up and have so many good things calling my name.  This morning I made a smoothy of 1 orange, 1/2 grapefruit, 1/4 apple, 1/2 banana, 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk, 1/4 english cucumber, 2 stalks kale, 1/4 cup water and a handful of ice.  Don't ever forget the ice.  It was a wonderful smoothy.  My goal now is to start adding more veggies to my smoothies.  I found in the beginning it was harder to add more veggies, the texture was just to hard for me to swallow.  But now that I'm several weeks into it, I don't mind it at all. 

Beginning Monday I am going to drink a smoothy for breakfast and lunch.  Just to help get these toxins out of my body and begin to curb my sugar cravings.  It really was amazing what those smoothies did for my body and spirit as a whole.  Because my body felt so good, I was a happier person spiritually.  It was wonderful. 

Green smoothies are awesome!! 

Cookie Overdose

Starting Monday we got an influx of sugar cookies.  In my home growing up we had sugar cookies on two holidays, Valentine's and Halloween.  Not sure why, but we always did.  It started to be something that I looked forward to.  I began that same tradition in my own family.  My sweet sister-in-law brought over some sugar cookies on Monday.  They were big and delicious.  I ate mine as soon as she set foot out the door.  I was quickly reminded that I needed to make some for myself and maybe a few neighbors.  So I made the dough that night.  I spent all morning long laboring over these cookies.  I made 5 plates to give to a few ladies in the ward, ladies I visit teach and my companion.  I still had gobs left over.  I frosted one for each of my kids, one for the hubs, and one for me.  I tell you what, they were the best sugar cookies I've ever made.  And maybe it's because I haven't been having too many sweets lately.  But let me tell you what, those suckers were like shots of morphine.  I couldn't leave those things alone.  That's not the end of the sugar cookie story.  In the early afternoon my Mom drove up from Provo to deliver yet another plate of unfrosted sugar cookies with sweet valentines for the each of us.  So sweet of her to drive all the way down.  Then after dinner, my brother and his wife dropped by with a bag filled with not one, but two containers of sugar cookies and frosting from Macey's.  That would make their delivery alone a total of 24 cookies!!!  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  I'm glad to say that the Macey's cookies were not, and still not a temptation to me.  But my cookies, people, it's been a difficult few days. 

Hi, I'm Amberlyn and I'm an addict.  I'm addict to sugar.  I think the reason I did so well for the past few weeks is due to the fact that I had no sugar to speak of in the house.  Now that it's been reintroduced into my little world I find that I have very little, if any at all, self control.  ***sigh*** 

I find comfort in the fact that at my sit down meals I am making super good choices.  Passing on the cheapo hot dogs, opting for the left over whole grain spagetti and fresh fruit.  Eating oat groats for breakfast and drinking water.  It's that darn sugar.  I just need to throw it all out.  I should have.  But I have a husband and children who adore the stuff as well.  But they don't have weight problems.  I do. 

I knew there would be set backs.  But I just never expected it to be so soon.  Maybe by saying(typing) that out loud I was setting myself up for a set back.  Is that even possible?  I was listening to a Dr. this morning on 101.9 whose name is Dr. Matt.  There was a women who called and tried to convince him that she was afraid of success.  He asked her if the more appropriate question to ask was, Are you afraid of failing?  As she thought about it for a moment she said, Yes.  She has negative self talk, which leads to self doubt and then failure.  As I listened to that conversation I realized that I am like that woman in more ways then one.  In the past I was a ton more like her.  The only reason I feel like this time is going to be different is there are no underlying feelings of doubt.  Yes, I might get discouraged, but I am not going to let that get in the way of my success. 

There is a lot more that I could say at this juncture, but then I would just be blabbing.  I will leave my other thoughts for tomorrow.  For they are good ones. 

I am grateful for my body.  The sacred gift that it is.  I am grateful for this journey that I am on.  Change is still happening.  I feel it in the depths of my soul. 

Can't help it, hungry all the time

I wish I could say that I had an outstanding weekend.  But I didn't.  In fact, it was not a good weekend at all.  I slipped back into an old habit and bought some candy while at the store on Saturday.  I even had some red vines while I watched a movie.  I passed on cake and ice cream on Sunday, which was a good thing.  I ate a sugar cookie today.  And you know what, I feel like crap.  Not emotionally, cuz I made the conscious decision to eat all those item.  I mean, I feel like crap physically.  Candy and sugar are poison to my body. 

I am having a moment of self pity, and self doubt.  I was doing so good for so many weeks.  I had several moments of weakness.  But I need to pick myself up and keep going.  Brush off the dust from my fall and move forward with more determination then ever.  I will be relieved when Birthdays are over and Valentine's too. 

I know that I am an addict, and it's so hard to go into pretty much any store and be tempted by my choice of drug.  It truly is a battle every single day of my life. 

Tomorrow is going to be better.  I have to get this gunk out of my system.  I was feeling fantastic for a short little while.  I want that feeling back.  I want it back.  What price am I willing to pay to get it back?  Sacrifice my desire for candy and sugar.  No matter how much I think my mind wants it, my body does not.  My body is trying to tell that to me right now. 

My goals for this week:
1. To not eat any candy or sugar.  Except for the chocolate covered strawberries I have planned to serve my family tomorrow.
2. I must eat more veggies and fruits at every meal.  
3. Make scripture study a priority.
4. Make sure to exercise 4-5 times again this week.  
5. Celebrate small accomplishments.  And not with food. 

I will wear those clothes in my closet again.  I'm not going to let my choice of drug get in the way! 

What is your choice of drug?  If you have one, what do you do to keep it out of your life?

Increased Exercise = Increased Hunger

I have exercised for 3 days this week.  I have 2 more to go until I reach my goal this week.  The past two mornings I've been doing a work out titled Turbo Fire.  And let me tell you, I've been sweating A LOT.  This morning was border line disgusting.  But it felt good to be that sweaty.  I know that I am burning fat and calories and that is just awesome!!  There is a slight down fall to so much intense exercise, increased hunger.  I am so hungry all the time.  My body must be burning through my energy food.  I have faced this before and have never really known how to defeat the problem.  I think I will just welcome hunger as my friend.  It's alerting me to the fact that I am working hard, right?  Or I guess I could feed my body and apple, orange or something like that.  I could also drink more water.  Which I have been doing.  3pm is close at hand and this is the hardest time for me to defeat this raging hunger.  I better do something to combat it.  I think I'll go make a relish tray for my kids as their after school snack.  I can eat all the veggies I want.  Good idea.  Brilliant.  Let's go with that. 

I struggled looking in the mirror this morning.  I so desire to see change that it's disappointing when I don't.  Right now I guess change is going to be small.  And those small changes are slowly going to add up to something big and rewarding.  How can someone who hasn't eaten candy or soda and not much sweets not lose any weight?  Maybe my body is trying to heal it's self first before it starts to lose anything.  Your right, it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet.  I need to continually tell myself that permanent change takes time.  I need to allow myself time.  But gosh darn-nit, I want it NOW!!!!  Haven't you ever wanted something so badly and you wanted it right then and there?  Unfortunately my want isn't something that can happen with the wave of a magic wand, although that would be nice.  Anyone know where I can get a hold of a Harry Potter wand? 

I guess I'll just have to keep working and working hard.  So far it's still quiet easy.  Easy because I am determined.  I guess it's easy in a difficult way.  That probably doesn't even make any sense. 

Last night I made some delicious chicken that I breaded in home made whole wheat biscuits.  I was watching diners, drive-ins and dives and this women breaded EVERYTHING in her old stale biscuits.  I thought to myself, I have biscuits sitting in the pantry that I know no one is going to eat, cuz they prefer the white ones.  My family tends to lean towards all things white.  I let them sit out all day on the counter, getting good and dry.  Then I ground them up in the food processor.  I then did the typical dredging technique, cooked them in a little bit of coconut oil(no it did not change the taste of the chicken).  I think that is by far a more healthier version of Parmesan chicken, and the kids and husband gobbled it up.   I ate mine with a side of roasted butternut squash and sauted green beans.  I made smashed potatoes for everyone else.  Of course I had to taste the potatoes to make sure they were eatable.  And they were.  I made sure of it with a few more bites.  For some reason smashed potatoes never tasted so good!! 

After my work out the instructor said something that I loved.  She told the audience that you have to celebrate all the small accomplishments, like finishing a hard work out.  I am still trying to focus on my small accomplishments, and little miracles.  Like I keep saying, those small things will finally add up to something big and profound. 

I just hope I have enough patience to watch it happen.

A closet full of clothes

My weight has fluctuated since the birth of my last child.  Heavy, a little lighter, Heavy, even Heavier, a little lighter.  Through it all I have a closet full of clothes that sometimes fit beautifully and other times torture me every time I step foot in my closet.  I was doing some organization in that closet and though I'd might get rid of a few items.  A feeling stopped me from doing so.  Even though I am at a heavier time in my life, very soon, some of those clothes I will be able to fit into again.  And a little while longer, hopefully those clothes will even fit a little lose.

It's hard to look at clothes you were once able to wear and can no longer.  There is an ache in my heart to get back to wearing those clothes.  And only one thing can help me do that, self discipline.  Of course goals are important too.  Instead of letting those clothes hold me back, it gives me a greater desire to practice self-discipline and replace bad habits with good ones.  Like opening a piece of gum rather then the pantry.  Drinking water rather then soda.  Munching on veggies rather then candy.

Life will change for me.  I'm sure of it.  Even though I haven't lost a ton of weight since quitting soda and candy, I'm confident that it will soon start to fall off.  Maybe slowly at first.  But I'm sure that as soon as I get myself into a regular exercise routine that it will hopefully begin to fall off more quickly.  And if it doesn't despite the change in my diet and level of activity, I am prepared to accept myself for the way that I am.  And I will buy a new wardrobe and give away my clothes to someone else.  They will be truly lucky cuz I have some stinking cute things in that closet of mine.  But that's not positive thinking.  I promised myself to continue with being positive.  Changes will come, only time will tell when. 

Living Life Without Licking the Bowl

There are several things in my life that are very tempting to me.  Anything with the words lime and coconut, chocolate, ice cream, Mexican food(especially the crusty melted cheese on top of an enchilada), cookie dough(let's face it people, I make cookies for the dough, not the cookies), and licking the bowl after making brownies or cakes.  YUM!! 

Today is my sweet daughter's 4th birthday.  I am going to be making her a Princess Belle cake.  I hope it turns out.  I am NOT a good backer or decorator, let's not kid ourselves.  This morning I beat the batter, and not once did I lick the bowl, or the spatula.  What is this world coming to when Amberlyn Wood doesn't lick the bowl or the spoon??!!  I think the heavens, planets, stars or something have worked magic on my soul.  What ever it is, it's amazing!! 

It feels awesome to want to do something out of love for self, rather then hate.  I'm doing this now because I am grateful for my body and want it to live a long time.  I'm not doing it because I hate my body and I'm not living up to what the world thinks I should look like.  That is a tremendous, life altering difference.  It makes making good choices easy. 

Yesterday I turned 36.  Ya, I know, I'm getting old.  Only 4 more years until I turn 40.  I am hoping that by gaining a healthier me, aging wont be so difficult. 

This morning I still had a green smoothy.  And it was delicious.  I love that I can start my day with spinach and kale tasting like peanut butter and bananas. 

I need to let it be known what my goals are for this week.  I am focusing on weekly goals.  Baby steps. 

1. Exercise at least 5 times
2. Drink a smoothy every morning for breakfast.
3. Learn more about legumes
4. Make sure to incorporate some kind of whole grain at lunch and dinner.
5. Continue to be positive and exercise self-discipline.

Super Bowl Success

Saturday was my first day back to eating regular food.  I have to admit that I would rather drink smoothies all day long then try and figure out what to eat.  I want so badly to make the right choices that I'm afraid of making a mistake.  I still drank a smoothy for breakfast, which was great.  For lunch I had a quick sandwich and some sugar snap peas.  And for dinner, I made the most amazing Thai Chicken Pizza!!  It really was amazing.  I need to post the recipe because it was that good.  I think a big part to being successful is making sure you plan appropriately.  I didn't have anything planned for lunch.  But all day I had been waiting to make that pizza.

Then there was Sunday.  The super bowl.  I knew this was going to be another huge hurdle for myself.  Since I had already made the decision to not eat anything white or highly processed, my meal was not a struggle.  I had fasted all day long too, so I thought my hunger was going to get the best of me.  But it didn't.  I had two doritos,  and passed on all the other chips. Even the tortilla chips.  Instead, I made for myself some whole wheat pita chips.  I also made a healthier version of 7 layer bean dip, and a quinoa salad that was out of this world delicious.  I will share all those recipes with you too.  My plate was filled with good, healthy, whole grain foods.  I think I had 6 licorice nibs.  There were several there that were celebrating birthdays, including me, and a friend made a huge chocolate sheet cake.  Normally I would be drooling over that and I would be thinking about it all night long.  I didn't even have a slice, even after it was cut up.  I think I tried a 1/4 just to try it.  It was good.  But I didn't have to go back for more.  I did make these lime coconut bars that were to die for, and not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.  But I had just one square, and I savored every bite.

All these good days have to start adding up.  It has become easier since I've made the choice now not to eat white processed food.  It's easier now that I have made the choice not to eat candy or drink soda.  And I can feel the difference.  It's been what? 6 weeks now that I haven't had any soda and 3 weeks that I haven't had any candy.  That is truly a small miracle in my life.  What a blessing.

Day Four: It was just too much

I hate to have to post about my short comings and weaknesses.  But I feel it's a part of the process.  The hunger was just toooooo much for me.  My brain was hurting, my nerves were on edge, I was weak and just couldn't think straight.  With all that going on, and still having to be at home taking care of a family of 8, I caved.  I caved hard.  I had to make bread for sandwiches.  I just couldn't resist eating the butt of the bread with some butter.  It tasted sooooooo goooood!  I just had to have another.  That seemed to help, a lot.  But then I was making dinner,  and I was making mexican, which is my favorite type of food, another mistake.  I  had a corn tortilla with fat free refried beans and lime rice.  Ugh.  Usually on Fridays I make pizza.  Not this Friday.  I'm going to make gag a mag hot dogs.  Those are easy to say no to. 

As I agonized over my decision to eat that food, it took everything in me to not beat myself up over it.  I had to quickly throw away visions of me slipping back into my old bad habits.  I also need to remember to be gentle with myself.  I think for the most part, I'm doing a good job.  So I wasn't perfect.  At least it wasn't a bag of candy or a bag of chips.  It was all good, healthy, whole grain food that I ate.  I also had a greater desire to keep exercising self discipline.  I would be kidding myself if I thought this journey was going to be easy with no mistakes what so ever.  I need to remember to allow for set backs.  But not to allow those set backs to keep me from moving forward.   

This morning I worked out hard with my friend Melissa.  I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I also knew that I wouldn't make it through the day unless I had some kind of complex carb.  So hence I had another slice of whole wheat bread.  I know that lifting weights burns right through your energy.  I have no guilt.  And that feels good. 

I also need to start thinking about what my strategy is going to be for the rest of the month.  I thought I was going to do 2 times a day green smoothies, and then a balanced dinner.  But I'm done drinking smoothies for now. Except, I will still drink them for breakfast.  I am going to concentrate on eating just whole grain foods.  Nothing white or processed.  That means, short grain brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole wheat bread.  I am also going to try and incorporate more legumes into my diet as well, like lentils.  I need to do a little more research on legumes.  I am also going to try and incorporate more nuts like almonds, pecans and cashews.  Yum.  I was thinking about how much I love sandwiches.  But I need to start thinking of healthier alternatives.  Instead of mayo on my chicken salad, how about a yummy vinaigrette?  And to add some creaminess, why not use a hummus as the spread.  Ideas are starting to flood my brain. 

Day Three: Feeling the hunger

I have to first report on another small victory that I had last night.  Moms were invited to attend mutual with the beehives. The title of the evening was Moms and Muffins.  I knew this even before starting my smoothy fast.  I told my friend that this night would be my first challenge to stay clean.  Not only did they have muffins at the end of the activity, but one of the activities was to open a bag of skittle, pick our a color, ask and answer the question that coordinated with the color and then eat the skittle.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What is a girl trying to permanently change her life going to do?  Well, I picked out a color and gave it to my daughter to eat.  Hannah knows the journey that I am on right now and she was completely supportive.  She finally got sick of eating all the skittles and started putting them in her pocket.  The most important part of the game was to get to know your daughter better, and for the daughters to get to know the moms better.  Not eating the candy.  When they pulled out the muffins I just stayed in my seat and continued the conversation that I was having with another Mom.  As I thought about that experience last night I realized that the night wasn't about the muffins(of course), the night was about me spending time with my daughter.  The food didn't enhance or take away from that experience.  What was most important was that the focus was on Hannah.  I also realized, again, that I have complete control over my life & sugar, mainly candy.  This stuff doesn't have to control my actions or my behavior. 

On this 3rd and glorious day into my journey, I am feeling HUNGRY!!!!  And when I get hungry I get irritable and mean.  I am quick to snap at my kids for absolutely nothing, like trying to talk to me.  Heaven forbid they have a conversation with me.  So I had to do something about it.  So I ate a slice of my home made whole wheat bread with peanut butter and jam on it. I don't regret doing it either.  My brain and body needed SOMETHING.  So instead of ripping my kids heads off, I chose to eat something other then a smoothy.  I hope you don't judge me to harshly.  I haven't stopped the smoothies at all.  In fact here's what went into my smoothy this morning:

Frozen Banana, english cucumber, grapefruit, pineapple, 

and red cabbage.

It all looks so beautiful, right?

This is what it looked like all blended up.

Bright and Purple.  

I could really taste the cucumber, it was very refreshing.

I can't wait for my pears to ripen a little more so I can do one with cucumber, pears, kale, pineapple, lime and a frozen banana.  Frozen bananas are my saving grace.  Those suckers make any smoothy creamy without dairy.  They're awesome!!  

My sister asked me if I'd lost any weight yet.  I told her I don't step on the scale.  And, it's only been 2.5 days.  How much weight can I count on losing?  But I know that what I am doing is awesome and is helping my body to heal and reset itself from the inside.  

Day Two: Asking for help daily

Today I have enjoyed each smoothly that has passed my lips.  Each has been bright, beautiful and energizing.  The only thing I am suffering from now, is  light headedness.  My body is so use to getting sugar every day, and often that it's probably going through some trauma. It's trying to tell me to just put a little bit in your mouth, it's no big deal.  But it is. I had another triumph at the store today.  I didn't go down the seasonal isle, avoiding, once again, the valentine candy.  I didn't even glance over at the bulk candy, which in the past has also been favorite territory.  As I make these small confessions, I realize that I really do have an addiction to sugar, candy mostly.  It's nice to be on the path to being in control of sugar, not sugar in control of me.

Probably the one thing that surprises me the most, is that I'm not hungry.  I thought I would be starving before each smoothy.  But I'm not.  Kinda crazy.  It's also a good feeling.

I read a wonderful article in the Ensign over the weekend.  The article talked about asking for help on a daily basis, not a weekly, monthly or yearly.  

"This is a way for us to focus on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem.  To deal with something big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites.  Sometimes all we can handle is one day - or even just part of one day - at a time. "    It further states " Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or over-coming bad habits or addictions often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until we achieve victory.  But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day."

I thought that statement was so appropriate for what I am going through right now.  I am trying to kick several bad habits and addictions.  I have to tackle each day, each trip to the store and sometimes each moment and ask for the strength that I need to say no, to just keep walking, or to clear my mind.   I learned in church this past Sunday that it takes about 2 years to recover from an addiction.  That is certainly a long time.  But it gives me hope that I can change my brain, my cravings and most importantly, my behavior.  I can allow myself time to heal and change into a new person.  What a blessing and a relief. 

I am grateful that I've learned so much about prayer over the past few years.  I am grateful to allow myself to be guided by the spirit to ask the right questions.  For so long I was asking the wrong questions and getting angry for not getting an answer.  Instead of asking to lose weight, I now ask for the help I need to love vegetables.  I ask for help to continue to understand the importance of our bodies and how to treat them.  I ask to understand more the Word of Wisdom.  Even though answers aren't flooding into my brain, answers are coming.  And they come when I need them the most.  I understand that I have to seek out the answers as well.  Study and ponder.  It's a beautiful journey, and I'm grateful to be on it.

Day One Done

Well, I survived my first day of my green smoothy fast.  And to be completely honest, it wasn't hard.  Despite the not so pleasant texture of some of the smoothies I ate, I wasn't hungry at all.  I did have 2 kernals of popcorn, and a bite of pasta just to make sure it was done, and then another one to make sure the sauce was good.  And BOY WAS IT GOOD!!!  But I had no problem watching everyone else eat theirs.  I made whole fruit juice for everyone and I did enjoy some of that.  Usually 3pm is so hard for me.  My sweet tooth begins to roar like a lion and I eat 1,2 and sometimes 3 cookies(like I did yesterday, no wonder I'm over weight).  Instead of opening the pantry, I opened the front door and went on a 45 minute walk and it was great.  I came home to madness and had to dive right back into being a mother and fixing dinner.  When I sat down to the dinner table my husband asked me "what the heck is that?"  The kids informed him I was on a green smoothy fast. 

I had to run into K-mart today to grab a few things.  I didn't look twice at the valentine's candy.  It was a little bit harder to stand in the check aisle when the one side is lined with all sorts of candy.  My favorite, and the one I usually grabbed for most often, York Peppermint paddy, was on sale.  On a normal day, I would have grabbed one, maybe two.  Ate one on the ride home, and saved the other one for the next day.  As I looked at that candy I was a little angry at those packages.  I really do think they have addictive attributes.  Because I had a little anger in my heart I turned and patiently waited for my turn to check out.  Even though some of that candy was calling my name, I ignored their pleas to pick them up, open them and snarf them on the way home.  Another reason why I am over weight.  That experience was a clear sign to me, that I am ready to change.  It almost makes me a little emotional. 

I realized that today is just one good day.  But I have to just focus on one day at a time.  And that one day will add up with the next and so on and so forth until I have a good 20 days behind me. 

I am grateful for this opportunity I have to cleanse my palate, de-tox my body and really start living the life I was meant to live.  I feel good.  I'm not hungry, a little thirsty.  I think I still need to wash down the kale and spinach smoothy I had for dinner.  Today was a very good day.  I hope tomorrow is more of the same. 

Day One: Don't judge a smoothy by it's looks!

This morning I made a smoothy for my friend who over the weekend battle a kidney stone.  It started out looking beautiful.  It had a banana, grapefruit, orange, lime, ginger, strawberries and raspberries in it.  Then I added the spinach.  After doing that the drink looked just like brown runny diarrhea.  I changed far too many diapers that looked like that drink.  I felt awful handing her the cup.  It wasn't appetizing at all, but at least it tasted good.  A little tart, but good. 

I wanted to stay away from that.  So instead, I made myself a smoothy out of the ingredients you see below; Oranges, carrots ad ginger. 

This is what everything looked like before I added it to the blender.  

So pretty, and cheery and bright looking!!

I cut off the rind of the oranges.

I washed, and didn't peel the carrots.

Peeled and chopped the ginger.

I also added flax see oil for essential fatty oils. 

And voila, this is what it looked like all blended up.

So pretty, right?  Not brown like poo!  But bright, like the sun!!

After tasting it the first time, I decided that I needed to add the sweetner.  

That helped a little bit.  

The taste wasn't bad, it was the TEXTURE that killed me.  

I would have rather chugged the poo brown smoothy then this one. 

I think next time I'm going to have to add a frozen banana to help with the consistency.

I think it took me a good 30 minutes to get through it.  

My daughter insisted on taking a photo of me drinking my first "green" smoothy. 

YIKES, hurry turn your eyes, I look terrible.

The only reason I posted this photo is to remind myself why I am doing this project to begin with.  

I can handle a not so pleasant "green" smoothy to help kick all the bad habits and foods that got me looking like I do, right now.  The great thing about this smoothy is that it's only 265 calories.  All fruits and veggie baby, that's awesome!!

I made sure that lunch was a better smoothy.  No veggies, just fruits.  I have to admit, that it was much more pleasant to drink.  I didn't get a photo of it.  Right now, I'm not super hungry.  I'm sipping away at my lunch time smoothy and typing and telling myself I can do this for 4 days.   I just keep thinking, if this is how carrots are going to taste in a smoothy, how is kale, and cabbage, and cucumbers going to fair?  I'll let you know.  But it's only for 4 days.  I told myself I was ready to do anything to get my health back.   I have all that fresh produce to get through too!  Some of it might be easy, and some of it I might just have to use a lot of mind over matter.

A Rainbow of Fruit and Vegetable Flavors

Alright, so I went a little over board. I just couldn't help myself!!  I'm just so super excited about starting this green smoothie project that I bought so many fruits and vegetables.  But they sure look pretty, right?  Besides, I have six kids, I'm sure there's something on that table that is appealing to them.  Just now, as I glanced down at all those colors in my photo, I realized how beautiful that food is compared to a plate filled with greasy, artery clogging sauces and fried foods.  Not that I ate a lot of those.  But just thinking about all those things makes my stomach turn.  Boy, when did that happen? 

Tomorrow is the day.  Tomorrow I begin the journey of green smoothies, whole grains, fruits and vegetables.  I am finally in a place where changing my lifestyle seems like the right and good thing to do.  And when that feeling comes, it's an easy decision.  Not only am I doing this for me, but for my children.  I want to leave a legacy of good health for my children.  I want them to see how important it is to take care of our bodies.  To eat right and to exercise are so important for a happy healthy life. 

It's been 2 weeks since I've had any sort of candy.  And it's been 5 weeks since my last soda.  My friend asked me if I'd lost any weight since making those changes in my life.  I told her no.  I haven't stepped on the scale, but my clothes feel just the same.  But you know, I FEEL better.  I have more energy and my body naturally gets up in the morning now at 5:30am.  Sheesh.  I guess I better do something productive with that.  Even though I haven't seen a difference in my body size, I know I am making some serious changes on the inside.  Beginning this green smoothy gig is only going to perpetuate that. 

Life is good.

Life is exciting!

The Plan

Why Green Smoothies? 

Well, it's the quickest and most delicious way to get in more then the recommended servings of fruits and veggies.  Plus fruits and vegetables are phytonutrient foods.  They bring to your body the energy from the sun, plus vitamins and minerals and help to keep your cells clean and healthy.  Something I think I've been missing for a really really long time.  Once your body gets the proper nutrition it's craving, your bodies cravings begin to change.  Or so I've read.  Your desire for artificial junk seems to diminish.  Your desire and cravings for more nutritious foods goes up, and your desire to exercise goes up prolly cuz you have more energy.  Who doesn't want more energy? 

The Plan:

For the first 4 days of every month I am going to drink nothing but green smoothies.  If I get hungry between breakfast and lunch, I am going to eat a piece of fruit.  If I get hungry between lunch and dinner then I am going to snack on some kind of vegetable like carrots or sugar snap peas or celery.  After 4 days I am going to down to just 2 smoothies a day and have a big green salad for dinner, plus some kind of whole grain salad on the side.  After another 4 days I will go down to just one smoothie in the morning.  For lunch have some kind of whole grain with a lean protien, and for dinner another big salad with a whole grain salad on the side. 

My thinking behind all of this:

In every logical, healthy weight loss program they say you need to eat whole grains, fruits and vegetables.  You need to do this to maintain the weight loss as well.  In addition to that I feel like this is following the Lord's Law of Health (Word of Wisdom).  I am also hoping and praying that this plan will heal my body from the inside - out.  That I will once and for all be able to kick that cursed Edward's sweet tooth.  I am also hoping that this will help me to lose weight allowing me to feel lighter and make it easier for me to run and hike and get all my chores done during the day and still have energy at night to be with my kids and husband.

I also want this to be a catalyst for a permanent change in my lifestyle.  I can no longer be stuck where I am at.  Change takes hard work, self discipline and most important a positive attitude.  I know what hard work feels and looks like.  Self - discipline, I haven't had much of that or really know how to practice it.  But I am ready to learn how.  Positive Attitude, it depends on the situation.  In the past few years my attitude has been lacking.  I am ready to change that as well.  You are what you think. 

Most of all, I just want to find the path that will help me be a happier person.  Physically, spiritually and mentally.  I believe strongly that the plan I have set before myself will help me reach these goals as well.